NC? No way! Well, maybe. Actually, yes. [Long post]

[Oneironaut]

As my title implies, and as anyone who read my other thread knows, I have been absolutely struggling with the idea of going NC with my ex. But there are several factors now which are REALLY pushing me in the direction of doing it.

 

Brief recap, he broke up with me 8 weeks ago today. We'd been in a LDR for a year and a half. This wasn't the first time I've been dumped. He always ended up asking me back.

 

Anyhow, the first two weeks after we broke up this time, he wanted to be friends, and I tried but ended up telling him I still loved him, so he quit speaking to me for a while. When we finally started speaking again, we started being "friends with cyber benefits". I figured the only way I could get him to warm up to me again was by staying in his life.

 

So for the last 6 weeks, we have been "fwb", online. I let him initiate 95% of the contact. It's a rare day that I don't hear from him at all. A week or two ago, he was starting to call me pet names again, and I really felt things were heading in the right direction. One night, at the end of a phone conversation, I told him that I still loved him and quickly hung up. He never said anything about it, but didn't stop contacting me, either.

 

On my birthday, September 28, we had a bit of a setback, as he made a mean joke and I didn't take it too well. Oh, and I forgot to mention that we play an online game together called Starcraft 2. We don't know too many other people in the game, so we spend a lot of time playing against each other, or playing the computer.

 

The problem is that lately, he seems to be demoting me to "game buddy". We're still flirting a lot when we do chat, but he doesn't IM me much anymore at all. Most of our contact is now private messages in the game. Being his "game buddy" is not going to win him back.

 

I have been avoiding NC like the plague, though I tried it for a day or two...it didn't work. As soon as he wrote me, I replied. However, to give myself credit, I NEVER talk about the relationship, and I keep things quite nonchalant. But I've been sincerely afraid that if I go NC, he'll simply shut me out of his head and walk away.

 

But, the fear that being friends has taken us as far as it will has gotten me to thinking very, VERY hard about NC. So I sat down the other night and drafted up an email. I think it's quite good. I stay away from sounding needy, and simply try to spell out the facts in a non-clingy way.

 

I won't copy the entire thing because parts of it are fairly personal, but here are a few excerpts:

 

"Well, this is the email I thought I'd never write...but, here I am. I'll get right to the point.

 

The bottom line is that I cannot play this "Friends With Benefits" game any longer, J. It is keeping me stuck in the past.

 

As I told you before, when you said you would never, ever leave me, I believed you. And so even as time passes, my heart remembers the promises of "forever", spoken to me so many times, in so many different ways, and with such earnest...and keeps this gnawing little ball of Hope alive in it's clutches. And every time I hear from you, that Hope grows just a little stronger.

 

The fact is that if I'm good enough to talk to almost daily, and if I still make you smile and laugh, and if you feel passionate enough about me to still be deeply aroused by seeing my face and body on webcam, then I should be good enough to be your girlfriend.

 

What I am requesting of you is simply this: Unless you want to rekindle our relationship, I am asking you not to contact me in any way. I am not angry at you, because I respect your decision to break up with me. I am simply asking you to finalize the choice you made the morning of August 7."

 

There's more, but it's kinda personal, lol.

 

I won't lie; I'm not doing this for the sole purpose of me healing. That is part of it, but I'm also doing it because right now, I am simply too available to him, as several people here have made clear to me. I want him to MISS me...I want him to see what life without me will be like. And if he still decides to keep us apart, then I'll have absolutely no choice but to face that unpleasant truth. At least then, I'll know. Right now, I'm living in limbo.

 

Please excuse the cliche', but he is currently getting both the cow and the milk for free, while all I'm getting is a lot of potentially false hope and no guarantees. I've read posts from people here who said they were in my situation, and it went on for months and even more than a year. I cannot bear the idea that a year from now, I'll be in this same spot. That is simply unacceptable.

 

Anyhow, I bring this up because he and I have a "date" later to play SC2 together, and I'm thinking very, very seriously about making this our last night, and sending the email after we part ways and he goes to bed. I have work tomorrow, a rather long day, so I'll be able to stay somewhat busy.

 

I know some will say don't bother with the email, but I feel that after maintaining a fairly pleasant, even somewhat erotic "friendship" for the last 6 weeks, simply disappearing isn't warranted in this situation, and will only make me look overly emotional. I'm trying to avoid that.

 

Sigh...well, if you made it to the end of this, congratulations and thank you, lol...thoughts, suggestions, advice, opinions, and well-wishes would be greatly appreciated. I love this forum, you guys are awesome.

[sadchick83]

Personally, I think you should make it more edited....less descriptive words and get rid of the part that says "if I'm good enough.....that part makes you look bad. He should NEVER know your "hope is getting stronger."

One, did you ever think of just disappearing? That may be too tough, so if you do send the email maybe just keep it simple and no more than 3 sentneces. Dont put yourself down anywhere in the note.

 

My ex would not even know what "earnest" means LOL!

[hellohello1]

Yeah I would make it shorter adn straight to the point.

 

Please go NC. You think he may walk away and leave for good? he already did that!! What you're getting now is crumbs! You've made the breakup easier for him. Trust me. This is definitely the right choice.

[Oneironaut]

Yeah, this has been a hard decision to reach, but I am pretty much there. Kind of polishing up my email, trying to shorten it as much as possible while still making my point. Both he and I are very much into the written word...within a few days of meeting, we were writing emails to each other that would probably make Romeo and Juliet green with envy, lol...but yeah, I'm trying to make it as short and to the point as possible. It is definitely something I need to do.

 

I will be sending it tonight, before I go to bed. I have to do this...I absolutely HAVE to. I just can't keep pretending I don't want him back, and being his "game buddy". I need to be able to move on, and staying hopeful at his every contact isn't allowing me to do that.

[Live-N-Learn]

This is a very emotionally filled letter and much too long. What is the urgency of having to send it tonight? Give yourself some time to write it again and post it for us to see and comment. Remember once you say it you can't take it back.

 

What about something much less emotional like. I can't do this anymore, goodbye. Trust me this will have him spinning and give you back your power. Your letter is giving him all the power. If he wants you back her will reach out if you send him the one I just gave you. Yours, you may never hear from him again. IMHO

[Oneironaut]

Well, the reason I have decided to send it tonight is because I have already put it off too long. This friendship thing is hurting me, emotionally, especially as I feel myself being relegated to a "game buddy". I need to take a stand somewhere, and why put off until tomorrow what you can do tonight, lol...

 

And yes, I have come to realize it is much too long, so I've been working on it all evening, shortening it as much as I can. I do understand the power of brevity...unfortunately, it is head-butting with my need to say a few things to him that I would like to get off my chest, as I am honestly not sure if we will ever speak to each other again after this.

 

However...as I give your post some thought, it also occurs to me that he damn wells knows EVERYTHING that I'm putting in this email. So maybe, it would be better to make it so utterly short and to-the-point.

 

And you're right...having just read back over my email draft, it does give him all the power still...damn.

 

OK, I will give this more thought, and no, I won't send anything yet. Thank you so much. I need detached opinions so I can see this situation more clearly.

[nopressure]

Your silence might convey the meaning your words cannot.

[Live-N-Learn]

haha...no problem. Just don't go back and read any of my post about if I should announce NC or not. I know what you are going through and right now you are full of emotion and have a lot to say. Trust me, he already knows it. At the end of the day I did send an NC letter and it was not as short as I would have liked, but much less than I initially written.

 

I really wish I would have said what I told you and then just sent it in a text. Here is what I said maybe it will help a little. Best of luck, you will be fine and your doing the right thing.

 

Hey ex, it’s been a lot of fun hanging out with you this past month or so. I have been doing some thinking and think we both need some time apart from each other. There are some goals in my life that I want to accomplish and did not want you to think I was being rude since I have not reached out to you since Monday. After a lot of thought, I think it was the right thing for us to break up and now I think it's time for us to go our separate ways. Who knows, in the future, maybe we can reconnect at some point. In the meantime, I really do wish you the best of luck and happiness in your life.

 

Blessings,

Scott

 

Again, knowing what I know now, she would have never got this much comfort from my letter. lol

[Oneironaut]

nopressure, I have considered that, but I feel strongly that after 6 weeks of a fairly good "friendship", suddenly disappearing will seem very emo, and he is most likely to take it as me trying to manipulate him by giving him "the silent treatment".

 

I know opinions are split on giving the ex some NC notice, but every situation is different, and in this case, since I DO still hope for a future reconciliation, I'm not sure that would be in my best interest.

 

But thank you for contributing your opinion, it is sincerely appreciated. Have I mentioned how much I love this forum?

[Live-N-Learn]

Your silence might convey the meaning your words cannot.

 

This is an option as well and a damn good one if you can do it. I could not at the time. Just disappearing is very dramatic and will have them completely thrown off. But if you have to send something try to keep it short, do not stroke there ego's one last time. Keep your power.

 

Another thing you could say is simply "this is not working for me anymore" goodbye. I think it is stronger than saying "I can't do this anymore"

[Oneironaut]

Heh...I just came up with a funny analogy...demoting me from, "The best thing to ever happen to me" to "game buddy" is like taking the CEO of a corporation and busting them to "Assistant Mail Clerk", lol...only an idiot would accept such a demotion, and stick with the company. 8P

 

That being said, I think I have come up with a very short and sweet email:

 

J.,

 

Well, this is the email I thought I'd never write...but, the bottom line is that I will not be "Friends With Benefits" any longer.

 

Unless you want to discuss rekindling our relationship, I feel that it would be in my best interest to have no contact with you. I am not angry at you, because I respect your decision to break up with me. But when we chat on a nearly daily basis, play and flirt and laugh together, the Hope refuses to die. I simply will not continue hoping...it is holding me back emotionally. I need to move on, the same way you have.

 

Take care of yourself, sweetie. I honestly wish nothing but the best for you. 8)

 

Sincerely,

 

M.

 

I realize that some may think that saying, "Unless you want to discuss rekindling the relationship" gives him the power, but my thinking on it is that what I'm really doing is letting him know that I'll be willing to take his opinion into consideration, hence the word, "discuss", but for now, -I- feel it is in MY best interest to have no contact.

 

I think it is an equitable compromise, which is usually what healthy relationships are all about.

 

Whew...I'm a nervous wreck tonight. I have a feeling I'm not going to hear from him for a while after this, and the idea of life REALLY without him is scary. No, he hasn't been "mine" in 8 weeks now, but I did still get to enjoy his company and conversation, albeit in a different context. Now it's likely I'm going to have to do without even that much.

 

I know it's for the best, but it hurts a lot just the same. ; ;

[Oneironaut]

I did it.

 

I abbreviated it just a bit more, the final version was this:

 

J.,

 

Well, this is the email I thought I'd never write...but, the bottom line is that I will not be "Friends With Benefits" any longer.

 

Unless you want to discuss rekindling our relationship, I feel that it would be in my best interest to have no contact with you. I am not angry at you, because I respect your decision to break up with me. I just need to move on, the same way you have.

 

Take care of yourself, sweetie. I honestly wish the best for you.

 

Sincerely,

 

M.

 

Now I'm kind of in shock...I can't believe I just did that. I'm almost crazy nervous, but somehow, I feel almost a teeny, itty-bitty bit stronger. Like I finally took a stand, you know?

 

It'll be interesting to see how I feel in the morning.

[Live-N-Learn]

Did you send it already? I think is it pretty good. Not to emotional and to the point. Now the hard part..you HAVE to stick to NC and not contact him or respond to anything less that his request to discuss reconciliation. It will get easier in time but right now it will be hard. Keep posting if you need to and stay busy. You did great.

[sunnyv]

I say do the silence nc. That's what I do. It doesn't mean ur gonna be in nc forever. Just try it for a week. Its tough as hell but don't announce it. I didn't announce it I went nc fr 3 weeks and she texted me everyday. I broke nc to to tell her that I don't wanna be your friend i and to get a hold of me if she wants to work on our reationship. I went back to nc she still texted everyday. I ignored and now I go for about.3 weeks and ill break it if I have to etc to reiterate what I said before but nc without announcing is the best. Trust me don't announce it doesn't have same effect.

[Oneironaut]

Actually, I did send it, last night. Then I got a couple of joking texts from him today, but I suspected he hadn't read it yet. I was correct. He just messaged me and said,

 

"Well, since you don't want to talk to me anymore, I'll be removing you from Starcraft 2. I've already taken care of AIM. Take care, have a good one."

 

Now I feel rather shattered...I guess on some level, I had hoped that this would make him come running into my arms, ROFL!

 

I don't even know what to do now. I feel like an idiot for thinking this would bring him back. I mean, for crying out loud, HE is the one who has been messaging me almost every effing day for the last 6 weeks, proving HE was the one who wasn't ready to let go. Then when he started calling me pet names again a week or two ago, I thought for sure he was falling for me again.

 

Was that just plain stupid of me, or what?!?

 

I really need some support, LOL...someone please remind me that I did the right thing, because right now, all I can think is that if I hadn't sent that effing email, we'd be playing a game together, and talking and laughing and flirting. Instead, I've been given the boot, yet again.

 

I suspected he would get angry, so I guess I'm grateful I didn't get cussed out. I have a feeling he is mad, though, because for the last 8 weeks he has had ALL THE POWER. I took that away last night with my email. I doubt he liked that one bit.

 

So, did I really do the right thing, or maybe I'd have been better off just staying friends with him, and hoping his romantic feelings would return?

[Oneironaut]

Well, I just did the hardest thing I've done in a long time...I just deleted him off every single Friends list that he was on. And now I can't stop crying. I don't want to regret what I've done, but I'm starting to already.

[Oneironaut]

And, he sent me one last message...he said, "You stated to me that we can no longer speak unless we are a couple. Since being a couple isn't possible, we will go by what you have said. This is for your good, as you have also stated. So this is my final message to you. Find someone, you need a man in your life.. Stop being so picky about whom that is. Take care."

 

Wow...so I guess...it's really over...

 

WHY DO I FEEL SO SHATTERED? Why do I already feel like saying I'm sorry, I take it back, I can be just friends???

[dgmc]

You did the right thing. I did the same thing but instead of an email, I told it to her face. I know my ex was very upset with it. We both took away the power from our exes.

Doesn't it feel great to take a stand? I feel like I got my dignity back. I do still miss my ex but not nearly as much as I did before I had my talk with her.

I can imagine it's going to be harder for you than me because you had the comfort of communicating with ex everyday. I would not be able to handle that. That would be just a tease for me. Now that you've done this and in such a mature powerful way, you can move forward and gain yourself back. There's no more beating around the bush. He can't toy with you anymore. No more games. You laid down the law and if he wants to grow up and address it, than he will contact you. Just imagine, the next time you talk to him, it'll be about something meaningful.

I'm glad to hear from someone at the same stage as me. We have to be strong. Message me if you feel like you want to hear from someone in the same situation.

[Live-N-Learn]

I really am sorry for what you are feeling right now and I do understand. I showed you what I wrote my ex and when she text back in like 30 minutes she said something like "well I can't say I am surprised. I wish you the best in your life, you deserve it. Take care." My heart was crushed just like you...I could not believe I just cut off the one I loved so much! I kept thinking, why did I send that? I just lost all chances of ever talking to her again. It's over! I should have just backed off some, I would have at least still have the chance to maybe get her back. But not now.

 

Listen please. I did this and went NC for 10 weeks. She text me 3 times saying she missed me. I never responded. It was really hard. Then after 10 weeks we talked again. Ughhh...I initiated it. We started hanging out again and she would never fully commit. We never got passed F-buddies. That is not what I wanted and the same old pain all over again. Guess what, now I have to go NC again. I don't regret trying again but I messed up. I should have never contacted her and should have waited for her to reach out to me. I should have only responded to all or nothing.

 

Don't doubt you did the right thing. He can not have it both ways. You want a committed relationship and he does not. You were not satisfied with less and so you stood up for yourself. This is a very healthy thing to do. Yes it will be hard for awhile but know that you will be OK down the road. Try to no think about it all the time, try to stay busy and eat well and sleep. Your going to be OK. This is normal right after you cut someone off.

 

You honestly do not know what the future holds. Just take care of yourself and know if he does contact you then you will only respond to reconciliation requests. Don't count on it happening and move on the best you can. As time goes on you will come to acceptance and will heal. Sorry you are going through this, I am doing with the same girl for the second time.

[Live-N-Learn]

And, he sent me one last message...he said, "You stated to me that we can no longer speak unless we are a couple. Since being a couple isn't possible, we will go by what you have said. This is for your good, as you have also stated. So this is my final message to you. Find someone, you need a man in your life.. Stop being so picky about whom that is. Take care."

 

Wow...so I guess...it's really over...

 

WHY DO I FEEL SO SHATTERED? Why do I already feel like saying I'm sorry, I take it back, I can be just friends???

 

You are not a couple because HE does not want to be a couple. Don't listen to his line of crap. This was his choice not yours. If he wanted to be with you he would be. He is choosing not to be and you are choosing to stand up for what you want and deserve.

[Oneironaut]

Thank you, I honestly needed to hear that.

 

I almost caved...I ended up writing him back, saying something like, "If this really is the last time we ever speak, would you at least tell me that you enjoyed my friendship, on some level?"

 

When he didn't reply after 5 minutes, I said, "You know what, never mind. I'll miss you, but I'll live. Take care of yourself, J." And I logged out.

 

I can't even describe how close I was to saying, "No, I take it all back, let's be friends, I can handle it!" But that wouldn't be what's best for me. And yes...I've heard this sort of thing from him before, although the circumstances were different. He always comes back. I just hope he waits until I've moved on a little, so I don't cave too soon, LOL..

 

Then after 10 weeks we talked again. Ughhh...I initiated it. We started hanging out again and she would never fully commit. We never got passed F-buddies. That is not what I wanted and the same old pain all over again. Guess what, now I have to go NC again. I don't regret trying again but I messed up. I should have never contacted her and should have waited for her to reach out to me. I should have only responded to all or nothing.

 

I will try to learn from this, because I can see it happening to me. He's going to write me sooner or later...and he won't want to reconcile, he'll just want to "feel me out", and see if I can be friends yet, so that he gets back into control. I don't want to go through this all over again, like you are doing now...I really, really don't.

 

I was such an idiot for thinking this would send him right back into my arms...I only set myself up for disappointment. I should have known better...he doesn't like to feel like he's being pushed at ALL, he likes to do things on HIS terms. So now, after messaging and texting and calling me on almost a daily basis for the last 6 weeks, he gets to find out what life is without me.

 

His loss...

[Oneironaut]

I have a question for those of you who have been the Dumper, and stayed in contact with your ex afterward because you wanted a safety net, and/or you wanted to make things easier on you.

 

I may have mentioned this before, but a couple of weeks ago, at the end of a phone call, I told him that I still loved him, and quickly hung up before he could say anything. I thought that if he doesn't feel the same, he won't contact me anymore...after all, if you honestly -only- had friendship feelings towards your ex, and they told you they still loved you, would you want to be around them after that?

 

But he started writing me again the very next day...granted, he was rather cold that day, but HE wrote ME, nonetheless. Not only that, but by the next day after that, he was back to flirting and teasing and acting normal.

 

He said earlier today that being a couple "isn't possible", and that this is for my own good, as I'd said in my NC email.

 

So why in the HELL didn't he cut off communication with me after I told him I still loved him? That would have been his chance...but in fact, it wasn't long afterward that he started the pet name-calling again. I'm sure anyone who is the Dumpee can easily understand how I took that as a HUGE sign that he was warming up to me.

 

I would honestly and sincerely appreciate ANY opinions on this, because it has me truly stumped about what's really going on in his damn fool head...

[Live-N-Learn]

I know it is hard but please do not contact him again. You are only feeding his ego and showing him you don't really mean it. He sends you a second message and you respond needing validation from him. Just know that you were and are special to him on some level. I know it's hard but you MUST stick to it or he will never respect you. Just take this time to work on you and move on. NC is for you to heal, not to get them back. I feel for you..

[Oneironaut]

Honestly, I'm not too worried about my ability to stick with this now that it's done...it was the "doing" that was the hardest part, for me.

 

Unfortunately, it's still a bit early in the process for me to be able to focus on moving past him. I feel strongly like he's not even clear what he wants in his own mind...as I said above, if he had no romantic feelings for me left whatsoever, he'd have made tracks the night I said I still loved him, which was less than 2 weeks ago. I think right now, he's angry because he was in control of this situation, and I just took that control away. It will be interesting to see how long before I hear from him again, because I am fairly confident that I will.

 

But no, the one thing I'm -not- worried about is me initiating communication with him. I simply don't see myself doing it.

 

I am far, far more worried about how I will respond when he does write me eventually. Do you recommend ignoring him, or asking if he's ready to talk about reconciling, which is what I had said in my email?

 

Sorry to ask so many questions, lol...I've been dumped before, but not by someone I loved as much as I love him. I really thought I'd never be single again.