Small Girl, Big World - A Journal

[PetiteGirl]

June 22 2010 was the day that he left. Who's he? Well, someone who I thought was The One. A Danish guy with bad teeth, as my friend boldly pointed out, left me without a word and back to his home country after being in a relationship together for months. He wanted space so I gave. A few weeks after, he called and informed me that he's already in love with a new girl. Ouch. Was it necessary to let me know that? Asked I. Yes, it is, because honesty is good and I won't feel bad, said he.

 

Well...that said a lot about him. Poor new girl. Then again better her than me. I hope she castrates him someday. Oh yes, they have my blessing.

 

I know I sound like I'm out for blood. Indeed I was. I know more than I need to know about the Bad Teeth Guy, and I had his parents phone numbers right under my finger tips. I could just dial their numbers and get my ex into deep trouble, but I did not.

I also have another friend who mistreated me too many times. I know too much about him, and I could grant myself the access to his deeply personal stuff and ruin him, but I did nothing.

 

Revenge sounds sweet. So what? I can't stand having them in my mind already. No thank you. I would like to spend quality time with myself instead.

 

After all, what goes around comes around. Who knows?

[The Archer]

You’ve done the right thing. I think keeping a high level of personal integrity serves us more than “getting even”.

No more thoughts of bad teeth guy getting castrated. If he behaves badly I’m sure that will catch up with him.

 

Peace of mind is the most valuable thing we can possess.

[PetiteGirl]

You’ve done the right thing. I think keeping a high level of personal integrity serves us more than “getting even”.

No more thoughts of bad teeth guy getting castrated. If he behaves badly I’m sure that will catch up with him.

 

Peace of mind is the most valuable thing we can possess.

 

Yes, when I looked back, I'm glad that I didn't do anything. I don't think I would like to see myself stoop to such level. Thanks for the feedback. I'm still healing so it helps!

 

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This will be the sixth month since I took up dancing as one of my new hobbies. The type of dance takes plenty of strength and flexibility. I went from not being able to do splits to full splits left and right. The new hobby sculpted my body nicely. I thought I have nice legs before, but this is even better!

 

It seems the weather is getting colder here, so I figure it would be a good time to shop for some arm/leg warmers. Since I'm a poor student, I go for the cheapest ones. Indeed it was cheap! $2.99 a pair, both in black and white....with a very distracting panda head (with big nose sticking out) on one end. So I guess if I throw a punch or a kick at someone, a panda face is what they'll see. Yipee!

 

I find it strange that many people always tell me that I won't have a problem getting a boyfriend. They assume that I probably have a lot of guys chasing after me since I'm "very pretty." No no, that's a misconception! The only calls I get are either from my manager or my old college asking me for a $19.99 donation. Are you kidding me? After all my experience with men, I'm still afraid of them like I was when I was 13. When a guy smiled at me, I would get a deer-caught-in-the-headlight-look I was told that I'm hard to approach because of my look and my quiet demeanor. I wouldn't know how to approach a guy either because most seem rather preoccupied with their iPod, laptop, or...oh god, texting. Why do people have to text so much these days?

[PetiteGirl]

I could finally transfer to a different school. I got accepted into a better school, where the program I wanted to do is ranked top 3 in the nation. Awesome! The question is can I survive the program and come out with a fantastic school record? Maybe I could go to an Ivy League grad school after this...IF I DO WELL.

[PetiteGirl]

Several months later...

 

Life is funny. It never turned out the way you wanted it to be. My grad school program funding was in trouble. I couldn't just pay for it, so instead I became a full-time job seeker...for 3 months. I soon found a job as a government contractor researching diseases. This is probably one of the best opportunities I came accross - I have a tough supervisor who taught me everything herself. From experiments techniques, to the knowledge behind it, she taught me every meticulous details. Not only that she highly approves learning the background information on our research projects. She also supports me getting a degree in grad school while working. Maybe I'm a long term investment of some sort for her. As a bonus, she cares about my personal well-being. Nonetheless, it's a tough job...scratch that, it's a way of life.

 

I have a new boyfriend; we've been dating for couple months now. I've never met anyone quite like him. In fact I've never met anyone who faced my worst side and still wants to be with me, until now. I don't know what he sees in me. He told me that underneath all my commitment phobic-ness and cynical masks is a very beautiful soul. I think he's a very beautiful person too. It's just that our relationship is going to be really difficult with our cultural and social differences, and our ever-expanding financial and education hardships. I'm so scared. I'm scared that we won't make it. I'm scared that I won't be able to find someone like him, who remained so strong and beautiful after experiencing so many of the life's disappointments. At the same time I want to run away from this relationship. I want to run away from him and this feelings. I'm not used to being in a relationship. Now everyday when I wake up, it's not just about "me" anymore. It's also about "him" - the constant thought of him on my mind while I work. I'm always worrying about him and vice versa. Most of the fights we had were about us worrying about each other (Example: "No, I'm worrying about you!", "NO, I'M worrying about YOU!"). WTH?

 

Knowing myself, my "honeymoon" feeling for someone usually doesn't last long. I'll be lucky if it lasts for 2 months. But no, it's always been short for me. It sucks sometimes because it feels like my head is doing all the deciding while my heart acts like a dead horse. Maybe my brain is weird. Many times, when I want to become serious with someone, I could do it with a cleared head. My eyes are open to see someone objectively, without bias. Now it comes the time where I'm evaluating my currently relationship. Where do I go from here with my boyfriend...?

[PetiteGirl]

So yesterday was Take Your Kids to Work Day, and I got mistaken by a couple of salespeople as the daughter of the workplace manager. I dressed professionally and acted professional, yet I still get mistaken as a kid. Why yes I look much younger than my actual age, but this was just ridiculous.

[PetiteGirl]

He said if I want to be in a relationship with him now, it will eventually lead to marriage. He has no doubt about me...while I, on the other hand, have quite a few.

 

I think...

 

If I stay with him I could be really happy. My heart tells me so, while my head is telling me that there's no right or wrong decision in this one. I do know that it will be tough being with him if my parents found out that we're dating. I can't seems to please them no matter what. The pressure from them had ruined some of the most intimate relationships before. I don't think it's fair to be scared to love someone for the fear that my parents might disapprove me. It pains me to know that I can't be with someone because of my family.

 

I think if I stay with him, we can both become better people for each other. Being with him, I feel that I'm learning so much from him. I could feel that I'm more patient and becoming a better person in general. He taught me so much about love and to always have faith. It's the same way for him. He thinks I taught him a lot of things he didn't know about and that made him a better person.

 

I know there will be hardships if I stay with him. We'll be struggling with our careers for years before we can have a stable life. We're both very careful with our money. We want the same thing (99%-ish) in the future: family, children, a dog, nice garden and seeing the world.

 

Maybe the reason why my parents are not happy with me is that I can't seem to find an Asian boyfriend. Truth is, I wanted an Asian boyfriend too. I even hope to marry one one day. It certainly would make relating to culture backgrounds so much easier. I don't have to worry about being judged as the "Asian gold digger who wants her visa by snatching a white guy" or the "girl who betrayed her race by dating out." Honestly, give it a few more years, then I probably wouldn't care if I'm being judged like that. For now, I'm young and sometimes I still want to fit in. I was born in the US and I've lived in 3 different countries throughout my life. Sometimes I still feel like an outsider looking in. I ended up falling in love with this guy. I didn't really thought about his skin color or education. All I know is that we could talk for hours. We have similar values and life goals, and we've gotten through some tough times together. We both had harsh experience in our childhood, but we both came out alright. We still love and hope to the best of our abilities.

 

I think life with him would be beautiful. It's just that I'm so afraid to open up and let him in. I might get punished by my parents if I do so. I might get hurt badly if I do so.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Petite,

If you really want to be with him, I think your parents would likely eventually get over it. Good Luck!

[PetiteGirl]

Thanks, Silverbirch! I think you're right. Eventually time will make them accept.

 

I decided to continue this relationship with him, but we're also planning ahead. We both know he'll eventually meet my parents. I found out that he's been learning about my culture and language since the day we decided to be serious. He has a learning portfolio secretly tucked away in his room until I accidentally came accross it. I've become more relaxed with our relationship and just let things flow. Our communication has gotten even better which brought us closer. Yesterday I had a stranger came up to me and told me that she may not know my boyfriend but she could see that he's a keeper by the way he treats me. Kinda crazy, but those words really confirmed my gut feelings about him. I think he'll do just fine on "meet the parents day"!

[PetiteGirl]

Welp, he is now an ex. The relationship turned out to be a violent one. I left with some bruises and sprained ankles. That happened back in March. Somehow I came out stronger, but probably with more baggage. *sigh*

 

I've been seeing someone new since May. He is a good guy. Sincere and sweet, but a little slow and lack of experience when it comes to romantic relationship. Still he's doing his best.

 

I don't know anymore...lately I've been very emotional ever since he left to visit his family several states away. I could feel my insecurities getting the better of me. Sometimes I became irritated with him, thinking that he doesn't care enough that he's just using me. The reality is he really does care. He's been very open and accepting of my feelings, and reassured me that we are a committed couple on the same page. He made sure to talk to me, which I greatly appreciate. I'm just afraid that he might turn out abusive and dishonest.

 

He'll be back on the 11th of July, and I'm not even sure if he'll still want to be with me then. I'm a mess. I complained too much. I'm irrational and impatient. I'm very negative. I can't relax and nothing is ever good enough to me. I'm vigilant, waiting for him to show his true color. Waiting for that one mistake. I can't trust him, nor anyone really. Why in the world would he want to be with a girlfriend like that? I want to be with him, but a part of me desperately wanted to sabotage this relationship. Push him far far away, so I won't feel rejected when he finally sees how ugly I truly am. He doesn't know these thoughts.

 

Dear god...I don't know what to do. I have something good with this man, but I've been trying to convince myself that this is nothing special. He'll only break my heart in the end.

 

And I've never told him any of this.

 

He told me I'm an amazing girl. He feels that he doesn't deserve me because I am so beautiful and wonderful, but he's going to do his best to make sure that I am happy, that I deserve the best. What did he know...?

[PetiteGirl]

My boyfriend is well-endowed. Never thought sex would be this difficult, but we both seemed to agree that our sex life is improving. He said it was amazing from the start and he wouldn't have it any other way, but my well-being comes first. I think it would be amazing to be able to have sex at least once a day because that's what I would prefer. In our case, we can't yet due to our size difference. We had a lot of fun Labor day weekend. It just kinda sucked that I tear again after sex.

[PetiteGirl]

Ever since I left my abusive relationship...

 

I still have nightmares, but I slept better. I no longer stayed up worrying about my relationship.

I don't feel powerless on a daily basis.

My voice is being heard.

My heart no longer aches.

I feel free.

I don't have to constantly worry that he's not pleased.

I don't have to put up with his unbelievable dumb and unthoughtful comments.

I don't have to walk into his messy house and rooms.

I don't have to pay for his meals.

I don't have to support him emotionally the way he expected me to.

I don't have to deal with his bad breath.

Nor do I have to change the way I live for him.

I no longer feel the anxiety and the feeling of being trapped.

No more late night arguments and begging for him to stop.

No more physical pain from his grabbing and pushing.

No more pain from his roughness.

No more being pushed down and forced upon.

No more bruises and scar tissues.

No more feeling like no matter what I do, it will never be good enough for him.

No more dealing with his stupidity and delusional mind.

No more feeling isolated.

No more senseless jealously.

No more being forced into a role I don't want to play.

No more being blamed, being labeled as crazy, overly sensitive and not loving enough.

No more rape, violence, and emotional abuse.

No more crying for him.

 

 

My current boyfriend is...

Kind, patient, and supportive.

He was there when I walked into our volunteer place with bruises and sprained ankles.

His focus is always on me. Puts me before himself.

He gets along with my friends and many people that crossed his path.

He makes me laugh and is always there to hold me when I cried.

He is down to earth and works hard for himself.

He doesn't get paid much in the army, but he still sends money home.

Yet he treats me to meals, snacks and little gifts. I do the same for him too.

He respects me. Always calm and grounded when I became emotional.

We have a big height difference. Him being 6'4. Me 4'11.

We are kindred spirits.

He accepts my flaw, petiteness and my past. Never tried to change me or tell me what I should do.

I feel peaceful and free when I'm with him.

Yet I continue to doubt his sincerity. I am paranoid that our relationship will end badly; that eventually he'll get bored of me and breakup with me. Eventually he'll find out that I'm not good enough and he'll leave me

It's illogical.

And I'm trying to stop thinking like that because I know it's hurting our relationship.

He is NOT my ex.

I finally found something good, but...

Why am I afraid of?

Another abusive relationship.

Another heartache.

 

But don't we all?

My boyfriend doesn't deserve such doubt from me.

It doesn't make sense.

[PetiteGirl]

So two weeks ago, I moved to a new townhouse. My boyfriend and a small army of friends set out from base to grab breakfast, then we headed to the old place to grab my stuff. Boyfriend's roommate has a giant truck. We fit everything, including the queen bed and furniture, on it. Only took one trip, best moving experience so far. After all the PT we've done, it wasn't bad at all. The unpacking was almost painless. Almost. It was a good day!

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I've been lazy about dance practice. The performance is 3 weeks from now, and my stamina is not on par with what I need for my routine. On top of being put on a "dancer's diet", I started training with my boyfriend. Maybe it's not that I can't perform the entire routine, maybe I'm losing my passion for dancing. Aside from my full time job, I still go to classes and now I'm teaching. I love teaching dance, but it's tiring. Going to classes is tiring too. My energy level isn't great. So my plan is to get plenty of sleep and exercise. I gotta get it together, my performance and the studio is counting on it!

 

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Then there's my job. Lately I've received more responsibilities. Researching diseases has always been hard work. I quite enjoy it, but there were days where I wish I don't have to see blood, go through the whole bio safety routine, and the lab paperwork.

 

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Oh, I saw my ex the other week. He was with a new girl. She's about as petite as me, looks very young. I can't help but wonder if she'll be smarter than me, see the red flags and get away while she can. I have no regret leaving my ex, but I do wish sometimes...no, all the time that I've pressed charges against him when the police was there, asking me if I wanted to. I have no more bruises and scars to proof, and my life has been peaceful since, but I feel guilty not doing anything about it. The worse part was there was a witness who came up and tried to stop him from physically hurting me. The worse part was the police saw through my ex's trick when he called the police on me for trespassing on his property. They knew it right away it was a case of domestic abuse, and they reached out to me and gave me resources to help me. With the solid evidence and witness I had, I chose to run away. Now it's the next girl's turn...all because I chose to do nothing back then. I didn't want to be hurt anymore so I took the easy way out.

 

I could only hope this girl is smarter and stronger than me. I hope she'll never have to experience what I've been through.

[PetiteGirl]

I've been trying to find signs that I should break up with my boyfriend.

 

I couldn't find any.

 

All the signs pointed that he loves me. He doesn't say it, but his action is obvious that I don't need to hear it to feel it. I feel like I don't deserve him.

I know I could be happy with him, but I cannot stand the possibility of being hurt again. My greatest fear is that one day he'll leave me because this relationship may not be enough to make him stay and love me.

 

I need to be stronger.

[PetiteGirl]

Valentine's Day...argh. Never liked it. My facebook got bombarded by people going on dates and/or engagement/pictures of engagement rings.

 

No offense, personally this is kind of a tacky "holiday." If some people can only make 2/14 a special day for the two of them and can't back it up since yesterday, then that's not much of a relationship obviously. Every moment can be special. Any day can be special. It doesn't have to be expensive and fancy.

 

Anyway...that's just me being cynical. My love life is full of mushy stuff so I'm sort of a hypocrite.

 

My boyfriend didn't bring flowers, chocolate, or diamonds on V-day (makes me think of Vagina Day...). He came to see me after work, brought me my favorite cookies and milk. I gave him chocolate and a mix CD (since he's been talking about getting some new music for his car, so I figure why not). We hung out and talked. It was simple, easy and so much fun! It reminds me that any day with him is sort of like Valentine's Day. We take care of each other and make each other feel special everyday. We're not perfect people, but we're good together. Like strawberries and chocolate or something.

 

Then I left for my dance studio. I was really looking forward to learning new stuff since the performance. Good Thursday!

[PetiteGirl]

My boyfriend and I discovered a PTSD trigger yesterday.

 

He and I had a fight, but we resolved it right away, hugged and made up. We started talking about my parents and the reason why I moved out of their house. I was sitting in front of him and talking. He used the phrase "the night on Sandy" (hurricane Sandy), and suddenly I had a flashback of that night - everything that happened from the volatile fight with my family, the storm, driving to his place, crying, curling up in his bed while he held me. The next thing I knew I was breaking down and crying uncontrollably. I almost fell out of where I was sitting, but my boyfriend caught me and held me. My mind went elsewhere and he told me over and over again to stay with him. I heard him calling my name and I finally got out of my crying spell. The pain welled up within me and it felt as if I was back on the night of the hurricane. I didn't think it would affect me this much.

 

But it did...it was as if the pain accumulated over the years. The hurtful things my parents said, the objects being thrown at me, the grabbing and the screaming. It was a decade worth of heartbreaks.

 

I'm not exactly sure how it triggered because I've used the phrase "Hurricane Sandy" or "the night of Hurricane Sandy" before and other than feeling a dull ache in my heart, I was ok. I think I'm going to seek help. I just don't know where to start.

[PetiteGirl]

It's been a year eh?

My boyfriend and I broke up April last year. I suffered a few bruises and a sprained ankle from his grabbing and pushing. Went to court, got whole thing sorted out. He is then gone from my life forever.

 

So my PTSD is pretty much gone. No more nightmares. No more flashbacks. No random flash of breaking downs and I'm a lot less tense now. I stuck with my psychologist and we used cognitive therapy. I still get anxiety sometimes, but I have more self awareness that it helps to keep my action under control. I'm more calm and I'm happier.

 

Since then I've dated a few people. Most of the time, I just enjoy spending time with myself. I feel I've grown so much within a year. I've changed. Perhaps I'm more guarded, but my cynicism is fading. I still believe in love, but I can feel that it's harder for me to make emotional bonds with someone I'm romantically involved with. I can do all the girlfriend-like stuff, but it's like a part of me is still emotionally unavailable. I think only time will heal and melt that wall. Or maybe I'm just emotionally retarded.

 

I've met someone a few months ago. He's amazingly caring...our feelings for each other is mutual. I'm hoping things with this guy will work out.