He turned on me today...why??

[Oneironaut]

Everything has been going pretty well the last few weeks. He's been initiating all the contact, sending me instant messages nearly every day, and I could tell he's been warming up to me by degrees, which is why I didn't want to go "no contact". I fully believed we had a chance at reconciliation, and I knew walking out of his life would not help that.

 

So, we've been friends for about 5 weeks now, and I never bring up the relationship. We have spent hours on the phone and instant messaging back and forth, and lately, he'd even started calling me some pet names again. I could tell he was REALLY warming up to me, and my hopes at getting back together were getting higher by the day.

 

Well, today is my birthday. He wrote me after midnight to wish me a happy birthday and tell me goodnight, then when I got up this morning, he wished me happy birthday again twice.

 

However, after the 2nd time, he wrote, "I'll be nice to you today because it's your birthday, but afterward..."

 

Well, needless to say this kind of shocked me, and I said, "So why were you nice to me yesterday?" He said, "Technically, it was already your birthday, lol"

 

So I asked, "Well, it wasn't my birthday last week, why were you nice to me then?"

 

His reply was, "See, this is why we aren't together anymore, you are annoying."

 

I said, "Well, when someone tells me they are going to quit speaking to me, I'm naturally curious."

 

His reply was that it wasn't exactly news that I was annoying (and yes, he did used to complain about me being annoying when we were together, but he is a highly irritable person, so to him, EVERYONE is annoying).

 

So I sat there for a few, mulling over what to do, and finally, I wrote this:

 

"For weeks now we have been talking and laughing and having fun, but today, suddenly I'm annoying as hell again and frankly, I did nothing to deserve that. You are obviously in a bad mood, so I'm going to give you your space. I hope you feel better soon, sweetie."

 

Then I logged out of everywhere he could contact me.

 

I know that no one can answer for him, but, does anyone have any ideas why he would suddenly be acting hostile towards me again, when for weeks now, he has been warming up to me?

 

All the signs have been pointing towards him wanting to talk with me more and more. HE'S the one who does all the first contacting, I don't do ANY of it. HE'S the one who has been calling me cute names again, which he hadn't done in the 7 1/2 weeks since we broke up. So, what the hell??

 

I have a theory that maybe, he -is- starting to have feelings for me again, but part of him is enjoying being single and therefore answerable to no one, so he's fighting them. He's the kind of person who gets close to someone, then gets nervous and backs away from them emotionally, then after a while, gets close again, and so on. It's a cycle I've dealt with for over a year and a half, and while I didn't care for it, I loved him enough to tolerate it.

 

I haven't been big on going "no contact" with him, but I think it's time to consider it. He needs to figure out what he wants, because right now, he is obviously clueless. What a lousy thing to happen on my birthday, though...so much for my insane fantasies of hoping today, his present to me would be asking me to come back to him.

 

Sigh.. :sad:

 

Edited to ask: If I decide to go "no contact", should I delete him off my Friends lists, or block him, or just leave him there? I have no experience with this sort of thing.

[abitbroken]

I would not be so eager and instantly available for him. There is nothing bad about sometimes being busy and having him leave a message for you and getting back to him, etc - don't be too overly eager.

 

I think what happened is that you overanalyzed things. If someone told me in a playful way that they were being nice because it was my birthday, but watch out for later I would take it as playful joking. But instead you let it panic you. Texting never conveys the wink he might have given you in person or the smile or silly grin when he said it. It wasn't a "huge" deal but maybe it reminding him why you broke up.

 

the one thing about keeping in regular contact after a breakup to be friends, rather than taking a break before being friends is that the person never gets achance to realize the little issues, or to "miss" the other person. It goes right into one person looking for signs that the other person "wants more" and that is exactly what you are doing.

 

I would cool it off and not be as readily available for him to give yourself some time and space to think. Friendship does not work if one person is using it to hang on to the other or constnatly waiting for the other person to want them back

[Oneironaut]

I think what happened is that you overanalyzed things. If someone told me in a playful way that they were being nice because it was my birthday, but watch out for later I would take it as playful joking. But instead you let it panic you. Texting never conveys the wink he might have given you in person or the smile or silly grin when he said it. It wasn't a "huge" deal but maybe it reminding him why you broke up.

 

I think you may be spot on there. In hindsight, I believe he was just joking, to pull my leg a bit, and I overreacted and my doing so reminded him of why he dumped me in the first place, which was that I was clingy and annoying. I have worked so hard to overcome being like that in the last couple of months, but today showed me that I still have a long ways to go. I should have just "lol'd" and let it go. Damn.

 

Yeah, I'm really starting to think it's time for "no contact". I don't know if I have the strength to do it, though...how do you guys resist the urge to contact them, -especially- if they contact you first? How do you just ignore the text, or the instant message, without writing back?? I honestly don't know how to do that, because I'm afraid that if I ignore him, he'll just walk away without even looking back.

[Oneironaut]

Wow...the more I think about it, the more I believe you're right. He was just messing with me, which he does a lot, and I went and freaked out. To give myself SOME credit, though, I am PMSing and I have a great deal of financial stress right now, in addition to being quite heartbroken about the situation with him, so I guess my "sense of humor" factor was a bit low. But yeah, I think he was just giving me a hard time, and instead of playing along, I went and got all pissy and whiney.

 

Well, at least I've recognized my mistake, so hopefully, that will go a long ways towards making sure I don't do it again. Thank you for your reply.

[Oneironaut]

Maybe I shouldn't have, but I sent him an instant message that said, "Hey. Sorry for wigging out earlier, I realize in hindsight that you were probably just messing with me, but my sense of humor wasn't quite up to par today. However, if you decide to quit speaking to me, I will respect it. Thank you again for the birthday wishes, sweetie. Take care." He was offline, and I have no idea when he might get it, but I felt the need to explain myself, since I do believe I was in the wrong earlier for my reaction.

 

And now, I need to do what everyone has been highly recommending, and that is to back away. Obviously, he isn't yet over some of the anger he felt towards me that caused him to break up with me in the first place, and obviously, I haven't yet managed to get past my over-neediness. As others have told me, I need to give him a chance to see what life is like without me, especially considering that for the better part of the year and a half we were together, I was told frequently how much he needed me in his life. Our being friends since the breakup hasn't shown him what life without me will truly be like, and taking into account the fact that HE initiates all our contact, it's obvious that he -does- still need me in his life, to some degree.

 

So even if he was joking, it's time to call his bluff, as it were. Thank you for giving me a place to vent, and get support. This site is awesome.

[PaleSeptember]

I agree with everything abitbroken said. Oneironaut, the way you reacted to what he said, it was soooo like how I was with my ex! And he would get annoyed with my overreactions too, and honestly, I don't blame him for it.

 

Yeah, I'm really starting to think it's time for "no contact". I don't know if I have the strength to do it, though...how do you guys resist the urge to contact them, -especially- if they contact you first? How do you just ignore the text, or the instant message, without writing back?? I honestly don't know how to do that, because I'm afraid that if I ignore him, he'll just walk away without even looking back.

 

I think you should do this. My ex broke up with me nearly 6 weeks ago, and the 2nd week in I told him that I just needed space to heal, we can't be friends right now, blah blah blah. I told him not too long ago we're friendly but sorry, we're not friends. I gave in and contacted him sometimes, and responded to his messages, but at least I kept it mostly light and nonchalant, and non-needy. My ex hardly messaged me though, as he respected my request, and hopefully yours will too. I know my ex has missed me a LOT. He had wanted to be friends, and while this period of not seeing him has helped a great deal, I can't help but be glad he gets to see what it's like to miss me (can't dump me but have me there as you're buddy, too). If I were you, I'd just tell him you think you need some space and that you'll contact him when you're ready. I told mine that if I ignored him that didn't mean I hated him or anything, just I needed *space*.

 

edit* Just had a thought...I wonder, if since an issue of yours is "over neediness", that backing away may actually make him respect you more for taking the space you need?

[sadchick83]

Contacting an fresh ex during PMS is a dangerous thing to do...this is why you got so upset!

[PaleSeptember]

Contacting an fresh ex during PMS is a dangerous thing to do...

 

I seriously laughed out loud at this, it's so true, haha

[sadchick83]

Im not kidding...I just had about 48 hours of PMS, I honestly went to my doctor for tranquilizers. A fresh break up with PMS is a brutal combo. I always thin everything is worst case scenario, and eyeryone is out to get me!

 

I changed the locks on my house during pms!!

[Oneironaut]

sadchick83...that made me giggle out loud, also, even though I'm feeling pretty miserable. Thank you for that.

 

I gave in and contacted him sometimes, and responded to his messages, but at least I kept it mostly light and nonchalant, and non-needy.

 

This is what is so damn frustrating for me right now...I have been mostly keeping it light and non-clingy for so many weeks now, with only one exception. Why in the world I took this so seriously is beyond me, and even though I'm not one of those females who blames PMS for everything, I have to believe that maybe it did affect my reaction. Just the other day he was teasing me in a joking way, and I just laughed about it. I so wish I hadn't overreacted today, I've been sitting here feeling sick at heart about the whole thing, because I'm very afraid I set back the progress that I had been making with him.

 

If I were you, I'd just tell him you think you need some space and that you'll contact him when you're ready. I told mine that if I ignored him that didn't mean I hated him or anything, just I needed *space*.

 

edit* Just had a thought...I wonder, if since an issue of yours is "over neediness", that backing away may actually make him respect you more for taking the space you need?

 

This made me think of something I'd read lately online, about me being a "Pursuer" and him being a "Distancer". The one thing I read that stood out in my mind was, "In order to connect with a Distancer, you have to disconnect from them. If you don't pull back far enough, they won't miss you."

 

Granted, I've given him the opportunity to do some pursuing by allowing him to initiate all the contact, but as I've been told before and have realizing more and more, I am justTOO DAMN AVAILABLE. There is absolutely no challenge in someone being there at your beck and call, especially for a guy who likes to do the chasing to some degree.

 

I think the only way I can regain some self-respect after my lapse earlier is to just stay away for a while. I heard the best way to do it is one day at a time...so right now, I pledge to myself to have no contact with him at all for at least one full day. I need to do this, so I can not only get some dignity back, but also show him that I'm not always going to be there when it's convenient for him.

 

Damn, I wish this wasn't so hard.. ](*,)

[Oneironaut]

Im not kidding...I just had about 48 hours of PMS, I honestly went to my doctor for tranquilizers. A fresh break up with PMS is a brutal combo. I always thin everything is worst case scenario, and eyeryone is out to get me!

 

I changed the locks on my house during pms!!

 

Ouch...now that is some hardcore PMS!

[HeartGoesOn]

His reply was, "See, this is why we aren't together anymore, you are annoying."

 

If you're accepting this type of disrespect, he'll walk all over you.

[DN]

I don't think you over-reacted at all - I think he was being a jerk. And if he was joking he still should be the one apologising.

[hellohello1]

lol ladies to the pms thing..i totally agree!! hormones are going crazy and thats when the anxiety and paranoia and analyzing every little thing pops up!!

 

OP - i do think you reacted too harshly as it did to me seem that he was joking when he said the thing about only being nice to you because it was your birthday. but he didnt have to call you annoying. dont tolerate that crap. please for your own sake initiate no contact with him. you deserve better. he is taking advantage of the fact that he can get what he wants out of the relationship wtih you (companionship, someone to talk to, reassurance that he can have you whenever he likes) but also the freedom to do what he pleases and you can say nothing about it. dont make the breakup any easier for him by being there!!

[Oneironaut]

If you're accepting this type of disrespect, he'll walk all over you.

 

I hadn't really considered this, to be honest, until I read your post. Then suddenly it occurred to me that yeah...that was a disrespectful thing to say. I do put up with it and yes, he does tend to walk all over me, he's always been the far more dominating one in our relationship, and I've always been very passive. That's probably not very healthy, but I've just been so very in love with him that I was willing to put up with pretty much anything.

 

And I guess that makes me sound pretty sappy, lol..

 

I don't think you over-reacted at all - I think he was being a jerk. And if he was joking he still should be the one apologising.

 

He's not one to apologize very often, but, something like this happened about a month ago. He made a rather mean comment at the very end of a phone conversation, and at the moment I just laughed it off, but as the night wore on, it bothered me more and more. So the next morning I called him and asked him why he had said that. He said he'd just been joking, and that I shouldn't take him so seriously. Later, he texted me and apologized for saying it, which was actually amazing for him.

 

I do think I shouldn't have reacted so strongly, I should have stuck with the whole "nonchalance" thing. Still, you are absolutely correct...joking or not, it was a rude as hell thing to say on any day, much less my birthday, and for that, it would seem like he owes me an apology, not the other way around.

 

please for your own sake initiate no contact with him. you deserve better. he is taking advantage of the fact that he can get what he wants out of the relationship wtih you (companionship, someone to talk to, reassurance that he can have you whenever he likes) but also the freedom to do what he pleases and you can say nothing about it. dont make the breakup any easier for him by being there!!

 

I think part of the reason I've been so reluctant to break off all communication with him is because I live a rather isolated life. I am only recently making a new female friend, for the first time in years. She is helping me a lot. My family lives very far away, I am recently divorced for the first time & living alone, and he keeps me company quite a bit. Most of the time, we enjoy each other's company, but when he does stuff like this, it rather negates all the good times.

 

I guess it's just hard to let go when for the first time in my life (and I'm in my early 40s), I truly thought I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and I never thought I'd have to endure being single again.

 

I still have a lot to think about, and I'm trying to psyche myself up for "no contact". Does anyone who has been in this situation have any advice for how to gather up the willpower to ignore his messages, and his calls? I can almost guarantee that I will hear from him within the next day or two...how did you stop yourself from responding to your ex's attempts to get in touch with you? How do you overpower that little knot of hope in your heart that thinks maybe, THIS is the conversation where he'll want you back, and you don't want to miss out on it..?

[hellohello1]

im so sorry for the pain that youre going through. just remember that you got over the divorce, so you too can pull through this. i also can relate to and understand what its like when that person was the source of the majority of your social interaction. but remember, this social interaction is not good for you, its causing you pain and anxiety and unhappiness. is there any groups or anything you can do to meet new people?

 

me and my ex have been split for 4 months. the first few weeks he didtn contact me as i kept begging and pleading. then the next 2 months were him initiating all of the conversation and me just being very nonchalant, where it got to a point where he invited me over and told me he loved me and all of that, didnt think it was over forever, needed to figure himself out - basiclaly this was survival mode for him. he was still unsure of what he wanted, and said/did whatever he could to make sure he wouldnt lose me before figuring things out. once he confessed his feelings it gave me anxiety and i started to initiate contact, scared i was losing him again (when in reality i had already lost him)..then this made things a bit worse so after a week or two of that i decided to not contact him ata ll. he kept contacting me, every 4 or 5 days, popping in my work once in a while and whatnot, and i would respond to some, and not respond to others. then i decided enough was enough about 2 weeks ago and i deleted him from facebook and then he contacted me asking why i deleted him and i told him because i realized things werent moving forward and i need to move on. that was 9 days ago and we havent spoken to each other since. the first few days were really hard. it hurts to TELL them youre going no contact, and part of you is hoping they will say no! wait! i want to be with you.

 

but listen. nothing you do can change this situation. i guess i was telling you my story because i too was caught in the limbo, and can kind of relate. its only been 9 days since ive told him we cannot contact each other, but already i do feel a lot better and im really starting to accept things and let go. i look back on the anxiety that i was going through while we were in contact and it was too much. i know that if in a little while he does contact me again i can choose to decide whether to contact or not. it is about me, and what i feel is right for myself.

 

you need to look out for yourself. i take it that you want your ex back? well sticking around in his life wont get him back. nothing you do can make him come back. it is COMPLETELY out of your control. so whats the best thing for you to do? heal. how do you heal? by not contacting him and keeping busy. if he comes back then he comes back. if he keeps contacting you you can either ignore or tell him no more. if you ignore he should get the hint. if he doesnt you will have to have the conversation wtih him, and be strong. this will give you some power and control over the situation. currently he has had control over you, and you can now take back this control and be in control of your own life. dont let him dictate things. please trust me that it may hurt at first but going no contact will actually help you.

[Oneironaut]

i look back on the anxiety that i was going through while we were in contact and it was too much.

 

That is an extremely valid point. The anxiety of having to pretend to be friends when I want to tell him I love him, of never knowing when I'm going to hear from him, of finding him online but knowing he didn't write me at all when he first logged on, like he would have when we were together...PMS or not, the anxiety is becoming overwhelming. Right before I read your post, I was thinking to myself that at least if I'm not communicating with him, I don't have to deal with the stress of things like what he did today. Joking or not, it was just a mean thing to say, and kind of ruined my birthday. With "no contact", I won't have to deal with that garbage.

 

I don't doubt it's going to be hard...we've been broken up for 7 1/2 weeks now, but have stayed in almost daily contact that entire time, with the exception of the first couple of weeks. He is still a huge part of my life, and yes, I'm going to have to find something to fill the gap. Work is very slow right now so I'm home a lot, which doesn't help. As silly as this sounds, I've been thinking about flying a kite, lol...I live about 2 blocks from the Pacific Ocean, and a friend gave my ex-husband a kite before he moved out of state, which he left with me. I keep looking at it and thinking about giving it a try, I guess I just didn't want to do it alone.

 

Anyhow, I have spent the evening reading various websites, and I have convinced myself that "no contact" is the best way to go...my big question now is whether or not to tell him I don't want any more contact, or simply start ignoring him. I've been reading very mixed reviews on both.

 

On the one hand, I read that it's best to not sink to their level, and to have the courtesy of letting them know you don't want to hear from them anymore.

 

On the other, I've read that it's better to simply cut off all communication and let them wonder where you are and why you are no longer responding to them.

 

I honestly haven't decided yet, so I would love some opinions on this.

 

If I let him know, I would probably send him a brief email saying something like, "I'm sorry, J., I just can't be friends with you any more. You told me when we first broke up to move on, but I can't do that with you writing me almost every single day. Please do not contact me again, unless you are interested in more than just being friends. I honestly wish you all the best, take care of yourself. M.".

 

Or would it be better to just quit replying, period? I can see the point of that, but it also seems to appear a bit petulant, in my opinion.

 

Any and all suggestions would be greatly, greatly appreciated. I'm learning so much from everyone here, it's awesome.

[hellohello1]

i personally wouldnt say anything. that comes with an if however. if he continues to contact you and asking why youre not talking to him and wahtnot then you need to have the talk with him. he needs to experience life without you, because right now he is having his cake and eat it too, and is taking advantage of the situation. i would just stop talking to him. if he messages you a few times ignore it. if he keeps at it then i would have the talk. just my 2 cents.

[sadchick83]

Oneironaut,

 

How is your PMS today?? I am much better, thankfully. I agree with hellohello, you should go NC. It sounds hard, but you will feel better. The fact that you and your ex keep in contact is brutal. It is too hard to heal with him around. Do some NC for yourself, I promise you will feel relief!

[PaleSeptember]

i personally wouldnt say anything. that comes with an if however. if he continues to contact you and asking why youre not talking to him and wahtnot then you need to have the talk with him. he needs to experience life without you, because right now he is having his cake and eat it too, and is taking advantage of the situation. i would just stop talking to him. if he messages you a few times ignore it. if he keeps at it then i would have the talk. just my 2 cents.

 

I agree with this. I take back what I said about telling him you don't hate him or anything, because you don't owe him any explanations.

And I agree with the others about what he said how you're annoying and that's why you're broken up - it was immature and disrespectful for him to say that, don't tolerate it! (just a note: I wrote in my last comment my ex got annoyed, too, but he didn't actually say things like your ex said...I was insecure and I figured he was annoyed so I'd pry it out of him until he said so! lol)

[Oneironaut]

sadchick, I'm feeling not too bad today, though a little tired. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.

 

PaleSeptember, yes, I've decided to simply ignore him. He's not stupid by any stretch, he'll know damn well why I'm not speaking to him. In fact, we're both online on the instant messenger program we use right now, so apparently, he has not removed me from his Friends list, nor am I going to remove him from mine. I want him to -know- I'm ignoring him completely.

 

So, technically, today is my "Day 1 of No Contact"...I have printed myself out a list of encouraging things to read when I'm feeling like caving, or when he writes me and I get the urge to write back, just little reminders of why this is best for me. My stomach is in knots, and I haven't eaten much in almost 2 days, but somehow, I'm already feeling almost...I don't know, maybe the word is "empowered", I'm not sure. I just know that for now, I'm feeling a little better, and I know that won't last so I'm trying to enjoy it while it is here.

 

Thanks to everyone for replying. I'll keep posting as things progress.

[msalced2]

Men don't like getting bugged or questioned esp if asked multiple times..someting I learned lol

[Oneironaut]

Men don't like getting bugged or questioned esp if asked multiple times..someting I learned lol

 

Yeah, I couldn't possibly agree more, lol. Apparently I'm bad about that...although what he said was wrong, and how he responded to my "needling" was rude, I still accept blame for the fact that I should have realized he was kidding around, and even if he wasn't, I shouldn't have kept trying to pry him.

 

Live and learn, I guess.

[Oneironaut]

Wow...and 4 hours later, I already blew it.

 

He's just been sitting on AIM all this time, which is really not like him...I think he's doing it on purpose, to tempt me to write him, because he knows how much I love to chat with people. And I finally caved, all my damn conviction going right out the window...I wrote him and said, "I hope your day is going well. 8)"...

 

Right after I hit Send, I almost started crying...and started wondering why in the world I had done that. The only reason I can think of was to let him know that despite his being a jerk yesterday, I'm still my happy, cheerful self...even though I'm really not. It's like I just wanted to show him that he hadn't made me miserable. But in doing so, I also made it look like I can't stay away from him, which makes me look BAD.

 

I am so damn disappointed in myself, I could absolutely SCREAM.

 

I would love for anyone here to tell me how dumb that was, because I think I need a swift kick in the behind, lol......

 

Oh, and for the record, he never replied. I'm not even sure he's there, because as I said, it's really not like him to just sit on AIM. Still...it was just the wrong damn thing to do.

 

So now I'm debating whether or not to even try again, or just give up the idea entirely. But, I heard a motto some time ago that I've never forgotten, which makes me lean towards trying again: "You never truly fail until you stop trying."

 

Sigh...sorry, guys. I'm an idiot.

[sadchick83]

Don't worry, it was not a big deal...people have done worse. You sounded upbeat and non chalant....maybe he will wonder the next time you are on AIM, why you are not sending another message.

 

A suggestion of mine is to keep eating. I went from about 112lbs to 103lbs in the last two months. There have been times when I have felt bad/like contacting the ex, when all I needed was a good meal. So if you are feeling a bit off, remember to have something to eat.

 

Good luck,

keep us posted!