She Won't Move Just Because of Kid

[Miss Firecracker]

Unfortunately our relationship isn't that great,however his mother has a better communication with him and has talked to him but I think it all boils down to him not wanting to leave his friends. It just seems a little backwards that this whole process is being held up for just that reason.

 

If you force this move on her, I can promise your relationship will be much worse than it is now.

 

My children had to move a lot and they didn't handle it well. Maybe that is why they developed mental disorders... maybe not. I will tell you one thing. If I could go back in time, I would have stayed in my hometown where they had good family connections, grandparents, cousins, friends. You only get one shot in life. Work on your marriage, first of all. Think of others as much as you think of yourself, your needs are not more important than theirs.

 

"just because of kid"

 

sounds very cold

[Aries1]

First of all I am not some traveling novice,I have been traveling and researching places since I was old enough to move from home. I grew up in NJ and know it very well thanks and have also lived in PA for nearly an equal amount of time so I think I know what I'm talking about.

 

Secondly I am not 'dragging' her out there,she's the one who chose Washington. I said I would be fine with anywhere outside the city,I am not a city person nor ever will be.

 

As for her son,if you only could see the kids around here you'd most likely be shocked. Most of them shirk education and will most likely end up in the criminal justice system...and where I come from bad behavior was looked down upon and that's how I view it. From the first day I saw him I knew he had little hope ok? Now,he may change but that remains to be seen.

 

And as far as any markets changing,one thing that may happen for sure is the housing market may rise by then and then it'll end up costing us more to find a place.

[turnera]

Well, maybe you can approach it on terms of finding a better place for him to grow up and have a better chance. She should be open to that.

[Aries1]

That was one of the points I had mentioned to her as well.

[Miss Firecracker]

I am not a city person nor ever will be.

 

I wonder, do you ask her son what type of person he is? Maybe he will never be the type of person that wants to move around from state to state, like you are not a city person and never will be.

[Aries1]

He's a minor,it doesn't matter. Didn't matter when I was that age and got carted off to a new town. These are adult decisions,he can go wherever he chooses when he's 18.

[BellaDonna]

I think you and your wife need to sit down and talk about this in depth. The bottom line is unless you both want to move, the marriage could be doomed. If she doesn't want to move (regardless of the reason- whether it be her son, the weather, nostalgia, liking the air) if you pressure her to move- once you get to the new location she is likely going to harbor a lot of resentment toward you. ("You wanted this. You made me do this")

 

Bascially the 2 of you will probably just switch roles in the new location. She will feel just as much bitterness and resentment for moving as you are feeling right now about staying.

 

It's clear you are not happy right now- but forcing or rushing this move may not make anything better for the marriage, or even for you. It could make it worse.

 

You have to decide what you want in life. She has to decide what she wants in life- and if those 2 sets of goals can co-exist happily forever. -And if there are differences in these goals, are you both willing to sacrifice or delay certain things for the sake of the other's happiness?

 

There's no point in trying to find reason after reason why her desire not to move is silly or invalid or unjustified or to debate away the feelings of another person . .There is no point in her trying to convince you that you should learn to like where you live either. If you are unhappy you are unhappy. You can't be talked out of feelings. No one is right or wrong when it comes to holding an opinion about where they want "home" to be. There is no golden truth in this situation. There is no objective force that determines that your choice to move is a better one than staying. This is about preferences and values. Economic trends, statistics, they are good to know but they don't usually have the power to change what is in someone's heart and mind. It's much more complex than that.

 

I truly worry about the fate of your marriage.

 

Maybe enlisting the help of an objective 3rd party, like a marriage counselor, would be beneficial for both of you. You need to establish things like:

 

*Do we truly love and respect one another?

 

*If we plan to stay as one, where do we want to be in one year, 5 years, 10 years.....etc. ?

 

*What is truly important to us individuals and as a couple? What are our values?

[Aries1]

We've already gone through that with our move from her old neighborhood to another part of the city,it was almost like 'you made me move here' type of thing but actually all I did was just want to get out of the city and we ended up in another neighborhood which wasn't much better but we had to stay around for her job etc etc. Now like I said it's a different situation,and like I've said I'm not forcing her to go there. That's a place she picked so it'd be on her if she didn't like it.

 

As far as the 3rd party thing,that's a joke to her because she says she knows what she wants and well so do I,so we're doing what we can to come to agreements. What marriage is 100% agreement?

[BellaDonna]

As far as the 3rd party thing,that's a joke to her

 

That's really too bad because it might really help. You may both know exactly what you want but might not be the best at communicating it effectively or putting into an action plan that will be equally acceptable for both of you. That's where counseling can help.

 

We've already gone through that with our move from her old neighborhood to another part of the city

 

Well, I'm sure you've heard the Einstein quote "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" . If she threw the move to another part of the city in your face, just think of how she might act if she felt pressured to move to another state entirely....where everything is unfamilar- even her job. So appraoch this move differently than the first. Get all the cards out on the table. If there is any "you made me move" in her mind, things could be doomed.

 

I say this with certainty because I saw it play out with my own parents. My mother was on a plane back home, filing for divorce within a year of the move.

 

There is never 100% agreement in a marriage but what matters most is how disagreements are ultimately handled.

[Aries1]

I'm sure you've heard the Einstein quote "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" . If she threw the move to another part of the city in your face, just think of how she might act if she felt pressured to move to another state entirely....where everything is unfamilar- even her job. So appraoch this move differently than the first. Get all the cards out on the table. If there is any "you made me move" in her mind, things could be doomed.

 

I say this with certainty because I saw it play out with my own parents. My mother was on a plane back home, filing for divorce within a year of the move.

 

Insanity is definitely a word that applies around here lol but I think the reason she's resistant alot of the time is so she can be sure she is doing what's right for her.

[turnera]

What do you do to convince her that YOU are right for her?

[Aries1]

I don't have to do much,apparently she thinks I am.

[Miss Firecracker]

Seems to me if he is 15, it wouldn't hurt a thing to let him finish high school. So sad for him... this is about the worst time of life to be uprooted.

[turnera]

I don't have to do much,apparently she thinks I am.

*cough* Excuse me?

 

If she thought you were so right for her, you'd already be moved.

[Aries1]

Seems to me if he is 15, it wouldn't hurt a thing to let him finish high school. So sad for him... this is about the worst time of life to be uprooted.

 

Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything,we're all still talking and when we're on the same page then it will happen.

[Aries1]

*cough* Excuse me?

 

If she thought you were so right for her, you'd already be moved.

 

Have you read what I've said? We had to stay for her job etc,now things are changing. If I wasn't right for her we would have split already.

[Miss Firecracker]

Nobody is forcing anyone to do anything,we're all still talking and when we're on the same page then it will happen.

 

Good! He only has one childhood... and it will be over in no time at all.

[turnera]

Have you read what I've said? We had to stay for her job etc,now things are changing. If I wasn't right for her we would have split already.

I'm asking you to take a good look at yourself. You're on here griping that your wife doesn't care about your wants and needs (moving). At the same time, you are making a LOT of generalizations - and not very nice ones, at that - about her, her son, and how much she wants you. No offense, but you do seem to have a bit of an ego. If I can sense it, I'd be willing to bet that she senses it, too.

 

Maybe, just maybe, she's not too keen to move like you are because she is not all that happy being married to you, and senses that if she cuts all her ties, uproots her son, and moves away to make you happy...that SHE will be the one ending up losing.

 

Which is why I keep asking you to take a good hard look at your relationship. If she was starry eyed in love with you and you were meeting all her Emotional Needs and not Love Busting her, she'd be happy to do whatever it takes to make you happy, because she wants nothing more than to be with you. If, however, her ENs aren't being met, or you are LBing her in any substantial way, she'll have her doubts. I see it all the time, posters who are considering moving accross the country or making other changes, to please their spouse, but they are on forums like this asking 'why should I? I'm not that happy with him/her to begin with, if I move I'll lose my family, my comfort zone, and for what? Things aren't going to get better, so why should I?'

 

Have you asked her if she has any thoughts like this?

 

A great book to read on this subject is His Needs Her Needs.

[Daligal83]

It also concerns me how little you think of her son. That is her child. He's not a pet. She has raised him and he his her priority. It's disturbing that you say he's not much of anything and it doesn't matter what he wants. I can tell you that if I had a child and my SO talked about him that way, I'd be furious.

[turnera]

It also concerns me how little you think of her son. That is her child. He's not a pet. She has raised him and he his her priority. It's disturbing that you say he's not much of anything and it doesn't matter what he wants. I can tell you that if I had a child and my SO talked about him that way, I'd be furious.

Ditto. Was thinking the same thing. If you've been together that long, I wonder how much of his attitude is due to him knowing what you think of him? You're the only male figure he has. And you don't like him or have any faith in him.

[PhilliesFan001]

It also concerns me how little you think of her son. That is her child. He's not a pet. She has raised him and he his her priority. It's disturbing that you say he's not much of anything and it doesn't matter what he wants. I can tell you that if I had a child and my SO talked about him that way, I'd be furious.

 

Agreed. I really don't see any benefit in making him move at this age. He'll be done with high school in a few years and then you're free to move as you like. Don't pull him away now. His life will be hugely affected by the move and yet it seems you consider so little his opinion on the matter.

[thejigsup]

My mom moved me halfway accross the country when I was 15. I have hated Wisonsin since then and never really forgave my mom. We moved back within a year because the entire family ended up hating the place! My advice would be to wait until her son is 18. Then, if he doesn't want to go, he can get a roomate and stay put.

[prettymommy]

It also concerns me how little you think of her son. That is her child. He's not a pet. She has raised him and he his her priority. It's disturbing that you say he's not much of anything and it doesn't matter what he wants. I can tell you that if I had a child and my SO talked about him that way, I'd be furious.

 

AGREED! I was in a relationship once where my partner, toward the end, talked about my then six year old son in a similar manner as the OP. That he was bratty, spoiled, etc. It really affected my son's preception about himself and caused a lot of self esteem issues. Once the poision was gone and I got my son some pychological help, he did a 180. Now he's in the top of his class and is happy and chatty and loves to hang out with me.

 

So, OP, maybe if the your stepson is having issues, part of it could be due to how you treat him. I'm sure he is picking up on your negativity toward him. I am sure it is making him resentful toward you and his mother. At such a emotionally influential time of his life, how do you think that is really helping him?

 

When you married your wife, you also assumed responsability for the health and welfare of her son, for better or worse. He is a person with feelings, thoughts, and opinions,is a person, no matter what he may have done in his youth, with value and worth; not just some possession that you have to drag around with you wherever you want to go. Who are you to judge what is his worth? Have you done nothing wrong in your entire life (you'll probably say no, you sound just like my ex). Who are you to pass judgement on how the rest of his life is going to turn out. Who here is exactly like they were at age 15? LOL.

 

Your attitide toward him is really dispicable. I feel sorry for your wife. Having been in her shoes, it's horrible to be torn between your son and a partner with a known dislike for your child. I know I am much happier now with it just being my son and I.

[abitbroken]

He's a minor,it doesn't matter. Didn't matter when I was that age and got carted off to a new town. These are adult decisions,he can go wherever he chooses when he's 18.

 

That's the atitude that is hurting you - he is a minor so he doesn't matter. Of course, he is not the main decision maker. But his life matters, too Would you feel differently if he was your biological son?

[BellaStranger]

It also concerns me how little you think of her son. That is her child. He's not a pet. She has raised him and he his her priority. It's disturbing that you say he's not much of anything and it doesn't matter what he wants. I can tell you that if I had a child and my SO talked about him that way, I'd be furious.

 

Exactly what I was thinking!

 

My sister and I were dragged all over the WORLD until I was 12 and even when I was really little I hated it!! I was scared to make friends, in case we moved again. My dad left when I was 10 and we made a couple more moves locally because he left us broke and virtually on the streets, but I can't imagine moving again when I was a teenager- I would have hated that! I have enough resentment for my dad for doing it when we were little.

 

Your wife is right to have concerns.