She Won't Move Just Because of Kid

[Aries1]

Long story short,I've hated living here ever since I moved in with my wife 7 years ago. The one thing that's kept me hanging on is my hopes that one day we would be able to move from here,but it's been one thing after the other. It's hard to tear her from her roots here,but first she claimed she had to stay because of her mother,then it was her job...now it's that she doesn't want to move her teenage son^ Now come on is that a real reason? Lots of kids move all the time and they're fine,that happened to me as a matter of fact. But now everything seems to be lining up...she's no longer at that job,we're coming into money which would probably enable us to make a down payment plus the housing market is still low which means we can get a good deal on a place...but there's just that one snag I mentioned. She's claimed to talk to him but he could sway with the wind as he usually does and decide to stay which he can't because there's no one here she wants to leave him with plus it's her son and she wants him with her.

So is this a common thing?

[PhilliesFan001]

Maybe it's just me but I think a child is a good reason to stay put. I'm sure a lot of kids move around a lot and they're fine, but moving is still a big deal. If he's a teenager then I assume he's established a life of his own - school, friends, everything that's familiar to him. It's not exactly unreasonable for him to want to stay where he is and for her to want to be with him.

 

How far away exactly do you want to move?

[BellaDonna]

but there's just that one snag I mentioned

 

Her son?

 

Personally, I would not move a teenager unless it was absolutely necessary. I'd avoid it otherwise. Adolescents have their friends and it is a very important time for them to be with their peers and socialize and explore who they are. If you rip their foundation away from them it can be very traumatic for them. I wouldn't do it to my son.

 

How old is he? 13 or 18? -Big difference.

 

Also, a parent wanting to be near or with her child is pretty common. They are always your children and you always want them to be a part of your life- no matter what age they are. In my opinion it is a very valid reason not to move- at least not right now.

[BellaDonna]

My father pressured my mother to move out of state to a place with a warmer climate. She finally agreed and made the move. They were divorced within 2 years after moving. My mother lives back near us.......

 

Unless both parties truly want to move.....it could be a very tough road ahead.

[ut804]

I agree, kids come first.

 

I didn't move around but I knew someone who did and he lost all his friends. He was really negatively affected by it. He also fell behind in highschool because he transferred every year.

[Mauxly]

Staying for the kid is a good reason. And she may truly love the place and not want to leave. This is a tough situation for you. Is there any way you could learn to love it there? What about it makes you hate it so much?

[turnera]

Yeah, sorry, but I would NOT uproot a teenager. Not unless they've been moving all his life and he's used to it. Of course he could survive, but it sounds like you guys have issues anyway, and moving him to a new city, with stressed out parents, and having to start the social ladder all over again...unless HE is unhappy where he is, I wouldn't move him.

 

I get that you are unhappy, but he will only be in school X more years. Just start making good plans - put the money into some great investment program, start a college fund, set up your retirement fund, and save the rest for a house. By the time he graduates, you'll be in a great place for you AND your wife to happily move.

 

Unless she really doesn't want to - and that's a whole other ball of wax.

[Aries1]

To answer your respective questions-

 

It'd maybe be different if we were moving closer but we're looking at moving from Phila to Seattle.

 

He's 15,he does have some friends locally but also some online in different locations.

 

And he did move a couple of times when he was younger,but locally and he learned to make new friends.

 

I suppose it could be negative but it could also be positive...I moved alot when I was younger and that helped me expand my horizons and made me more curious about other places and meeting new people.

 

I was just curious about how common this was. I've heard other stories about families just picking up and going and that was it. That's what happened with me,I was 12 and my mom told us they sold the house and that we were moving.

[abitbroken]

I was uprooted and wouldn't choose it for a teen if I could avoid it. Young children are a lot easier to uproot. There are other factors also - does he live with his dad, is he juggling two households or does he live with you and your wife? Also, why does it have to be on the opposite coast? What is it about Seattle over places in visiting distance? And what are you moving closer to? Remember, he won't just lose his friends, there is grandma, aunts and uncles, (if this is her hometown), and the contacts he has made with teachers for college recommendation letters. He'll have to start all over again.

 

Also, what is so terrible about where you live? Could you live there another 2-3 for him to graduate high school, get settled into college? I mean, 2-3 years is nothing if you are considering marriage a lifetime commitment.

[Daligal83]

I don't think it matters if it's common or not, or if you believe it'd be good for him or not. She obviously doesn't want to leave. You want to leave. You guys have to sit down and discuss this as a couple and decide if there's a compromise that can be made. Is leaving that city really more important than being with her? What makes you hate it? Do you think there's a way to be happy there that you haven't tried yet? Is there a way for her to be happy with the idea of leaving?

[Aries1]

There are other factors also - does he live with his dad, is he juggling two households or does he live with you and your wife? Also, why does it have to be on the opposite coast? What is it about Seattle over places in visiting distance? And what are you moving closer to? Remember, he won't just lose his friends, there is grandma, aunts and uncles, (if this is her hometown), and the contacts he has made with teachers for college recommendation letters. He'll have to start all over again.

 

Also, what is so terrible about where you live? Could you live there another 2-3 for him to graduate high school, get settled into college? I mean, 2-3 years is nothing if you are considering marriage a lifetime commitment.

 

He doesn't care to see his dad or the rest of his family,strange I know but that's Philly^ So the only factors would be the few friends he has.

 

As for other places,at first we were looking at nearby NJ but that place is a mess economically right now. Plus we agreed that weatherwise and culturally Washington state is better.

 

As far as sticking it out,we're pretty much at the end of our ropes on patience here anymore plus like I said things are financially and otherwise falling in line right now and it sounds like a great time to take advantage of the opportunity.

[turnera]

We need more details to be able to suggest whether you're out of line or not in pushing this. What's your relationship like? What's your relationship with the boy like? What's HER relationship like with her family? Is she leaving her family? Is she quitting a job she loves? How do you usually make decisions? How well do you talk to each other? Do you fight? What's the boy's situation like in terms of grades, sports, college plans, etc.? What's in Seattle that will make your life better other than weather? (Houston has phenomenal weather) What are your wife's goals long term? What are yours?

[prettymommy]

I'm with the mother on this one; moving a kid, let alone a teenager, accross country, is a huge deal.

 

My parents uprooted by brother and I from our home and extended family in the midwest to CA when I was 9 years old. It was a huge deal to me, and I had a very hard time adjusting. Took more than 2 years before I began to feel like CA was "home".

 

Likewise, a couple years ago I moved cross town and made my 6 year old son change school mid-year. He had a very hard time adjusting as well; he felt very alone and friendless for the last 1/2 first grade, and it affected his self-esteem so bad I had to start taking him to a pyschologist.

 

A move like you are proposing made be too much emotionally for a teenager to handle, even more so if the child is not very resilent to begin with. Is there a reason why you can't postpone the move until the child is out of high school? Surely 3-4 years isn't too much to ask...

[Aries1]

We need more details to be able to suggest whether you're out of line or not in pushing this. What's HER relationship like with her family? Is she leaving her family? Is she quitting a job she loves? What's the boy's situation like in terms of grades, sports, college plans, etc.? What's in Seattle that will make your life better other than weather?

 

She's not that close with her family so that's taken care of,as for her job she's now on long term disability and is separated from her company. The boy is not really into school and will probably just get out of high school and be finished with no college. And again we've just been in Philadelphia too long and it's been getting worse here so pretty much anyplace would be better.

[BellaDonna]

Have you ever talked to her son directly to see he would feel about moving? He's old enough that you could have a conversation with him about it.

 

If he doesn't like his high school or has any other issues with where he lives be might actually be up for the idea.

 

In your first post you questioned whether her son is the "real" reason she doesn't want to move. So talking to him one-on-one might give you some insight on that matter. What is your relationship with her son like?

[Aries1]

Unfortunately our relationship isn't that great,however his mother has a better communication with him and has talked to him but I think it all boils down to him not wanting to leave his friends. It just seems a little backwards that this whole process is being held up for just that reason.

[Daligal83]

You ignored all of the questions on my post. It seems that you have decided that Philly isn't right for you, but what if it's right for her? Are you sure that she really wants to leave? Maybe she's happy there.

 

And like I asked before, why do you hate that city so much?

[Aries1]

You ignored all of the questions on my post. It seems that you have decided that Philly isn't right for you, but what if it's right for her? Are you sure that she really wants to leave? Maybe she's happy there.

 

And like I asked before, why do you hate that city so much?

 

I wasn't ignoring the questions,I thought I addressed everything. We've been together for almost 8 years through hell and back and back again...and I think she's finally decided to compromise,after all that's what marriage is right? So she's starting to see what a vile place this is and through some traveling I think her eyes are opening to better places. Though Seattle was her idea,I'd have been fine just leaving the area.

[Daligal83]

Why do you hate it there so much? What makes it vile?

 

It still seems to me like she's just not ready to leave, whatever the reason. It seems like you're more focused on your desire to leave than her not being ready.

[turnera]

I'm more interested in why you two have issues, and what you're doing to FIX them. Moving accross the country is a BAD idea if you haven't.

[Aries1]

I guess you're not very familiar with the reputation of Philadelphia...for starters I would suggest watching the movie Rocky,that's basically what it's still like around here. It's got some of the highest crime in the country,here's a daily sample- link removed ...you can also look on YouTube.

 

We've been in a tug of war for years over either me leaving or us coming to a compromise...and as I also said she's seen what this place has become and that there's a better place and if she wants to stay married it would be a good idea; I've heard her discussing it seriously with her family etc so she's apparently not just doing it to appease me...though anything is possible.

[Daligal83]

OK, then if she really wants to move but wants to wait for her son, would it really be that bad to wait just a few years until he is done with high school?

 

I would also sit down and make sure this is really what she wants. Although this isn't completely the same, I was in a situation with my ex where he wanted to move in and I wasn't ready. We had talked about it before and I felt better about it then, but as the situation became a reality I realized I wasn't ready. However the way he approached it made me feel like I couldn't say no (of course I should have, but I felt that I would have really hurt and disappointed him), so I went along with it. I just want to make sure that you guys aren't experiencing a similar situation. The way he made sure I was OK with moving in together was to say, "you still want to live together, right?" That kind of statement didn't make me feel like saying no was really an option.

[abitbroken]

Oh, come on now. Every city and area has different facets. You can't point to Rocky which is from the 70s anyhow. You seem to paint every single place with a wide brush( "but that's typical philly"), how NJ is crappy and Washington is "enlightened". Well, there are rich and poor in WA just like everywhere else, they just maybe have a better PR department and you are not there so it looks better. Actually, the whole state of NJ is not like you say. I was shocked when I went there on business and I saw highways that led through mountains, rolling hills, etc. I knew someone who had been working on a campaign for the chamber of commerce to try to attract people to come to NJ for certain jobs. In every large city, there is going to be some poverty and crime. it is just a numbers game - the more people you put in a small area, some of that is going to happen whether the place is affluent or not. It seems like you think the grass is just greener wherever you think it is. If you lived out west, it might be Philly. I won't tell you where I live, but I live in an area that supposedly has a higher unemployment rate - but themn why do I know so many people that have good jobs or are achieving something on their own? So you can't make sweeping gneralizations about how bad a place is because its a little bad everywhere...or good...depending on how you look at it. Also, if she is disabled, you may think she would want to up and leave, but moving accross the country isolates her if she can't work or has to find a different line of work, and it takes her away from all the resources and people she has known.

 

Also, I don't understand why you don't want your STEPSON (you refer to him as "her son" like he is some sort of growth) to achieve? You are writing him off as "probably will just finish high school". He is 15. He could decide in his junior or senior year that he is passionate about something. Even if he doesn't go to college, there are people who do really well with a trade and make a heckuva lot of money opening businesses. Also, I sense that you are downgraded him or almost don't want him to achieve for your benefit. I know he is not your biological child, but in absence of constant exposure to his dad, you are a father figure to him. You should encourage him. And if keeping him near his friends and in his element helps him, then that is what you should want, too.

 

Also, the job market/environment could very eell change there by the time he graduates

[turnera]

I guess you're not very familiar with the reputation of Philadelphia..

My husband is from Monangahela; I know PA. I also know you make your own home.

 

If you're not happy in your town, it's not because of the town. It's because of your choice.

[turnera]

VERY worth repeating.

 

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you are interested in what YOU want, and you expect everyone else to want it, too.