Lost and wondering where my place is... Are these normal thoughts?

[Talus]

Hey guys, I just wanted to write out where I'm at right now and just some of the thoughts going through my head.

 

 

I'm 20 years old. I just recently left all of my friends and home to move to another state. I'm now living with my brother and his girlfriend. It is a major move for me, not just leaving home for the first time, but moving to another state where I only have some family that I'm not at all close to. No friends or anything like that. My parents paid heaps of money for this personal training course for me but I never finished it. I went through depression... In fact I'm pretty sure I haven't fully healed or recovered from it. So anyway along with the no friends I have no real direction at the moment. I am low on money so no real chance to enrol in any course any time soon. Even if I could, there just isn't anything I have the passion or drive for. I've been up here for exactly a week now and I just did my first shift at a new job last night. Working in a busy city bar, ended up back home at 5am.

 

 

The people there were really cool. So lively, confident and like the best of friends. They all knew what they were doing as they've been there for ages. I guess it kind of intimidated me. Not that I let that show, I hope anyway. I don't know how to explain it really. I haven't really felt like myself since I had my heartbroken and during the relationship with my ex and first love. It's been around a year and a half since that ended and though I still love her as much as I ever have, it doesn't effect me 90ish % of the time.

 

 

I see people and meet people and I can't help but compare. I'm sure everyone does it to an extent, but I feel I do it to an extreme. Like I'll meet another guy and think to myself that I want to be like that or at least to have some of those qualities. Sometimes it's physically like obvious ones like looks and absolutely shredded abs etc. But most of the time it could be the way people talk, their confidence... you know, just the good qualities you notice straight away when talking to them and that makes others really like them and that I think girls would love. The thing is, I do this every day and with most people I'll meet or see. And I think when this happens I go inside myself, my thoughts just toss and turn and I create a very negative sort of thing from it. I think this comes out and I come off as quiet or shy or just not that cool.

 

 

But that's not me... I don't think I'm horrible or weird or anything like that. I work out, I'm not a bad looking guy at all, I know how to treat a girl right and show respect, I know I can make people laugh and am fun to be around... But it's like none of that matters because I keep making everyone out to be better than me in almost every single way and that I should be more like them looks wise and personality wise.

 

 

It shatters my confidence and this happens almost every day and instead of being the loud, confident and fun guy that I know I deep down am/used to be, I'm just this quiet sorta guy who doesn't really make much of an impact.

 

 

Now I'm not sure why I'm doing this? Could it have anything to do with being so lost in my life right now about everything? How I have no drive or passion for anything, that I have no idea what I want, what I want to do or where I want to be? If you ask me what I really enjoy doing I really struggle to answer that... 2 years ago I could've told you. Is this all from the fall out of a break up? That's probably the thing I'm most sure about these days, that I still love that girl.

 

 

Another thing I want to write is that I just have this feeling that I am very much average. This is the way I look at it. I want to be great. I want to do things that are great and I want to be able to look back on my life and think that was great. To be content and proud of my life. But I feel like my life is not that way. I guess I'm feeling, at 20 yrs old, that I'm running out of time to get started on exciting things while I'm young. Feeling panicy and that I have to change everything about myself sooner rather than later or I'm going to miss out. I don't know. It's very hard to coherently write my feelings down

 

 

Thanks for reading guys... If you have any input or thoughts or just anything... I'd absolutely love to hear it. This is a very hard time in my life... Actually the last close to 2 years have been. I'd really like to smile again for real.

[kalikat]

Talus -

Before I say anything else, I think one of the best things you can do is write this stuff out - which you already have. So good for you - keep it up!

 

Okay... about what you are feeling...

 

Do this - stand in front of a mirror. look closely at yourself. not to criticize. More like taking inventory. this is you. It's not about what you do or don't like about yourself. It's more like accepting what you have, who you are, and making the most of it.

I started acting when I was 7 years old. And for probably the first 10 years, I was always comparing myself to other actors at auditions, or on stage with me. And I always felt inferior. Always hyper-critical of myself - looks, personality, etc.

 

Then I met a great acting coach. He taught me to be accepting of myself. I learned how to stop comparing myself to everybody else. Instead, I would take inventory of others, and the traits I admired in them I would write in a journal. Like character study.

I came to realize that I was the only one that could decide who I wanted to be. I could choose to sit on the sidelines & wait for stuff to happen, or I could actively participate in creating myself.

 

Look - you are 20 yrs old. And it may not seem like it now, but time is not running away from you. It's good that you are as self-aware as you are. I don't think you need to change everything about yourself. I think you just need to make a few choices. So answer this question for yourself..in a perfect world, where do you want to be when you are 40? Let your imagination run wild - and write this down. then work backwards from there. Figure out steps you would need to take to actually make it happen. The smaller & simpler the steps are, the easier it will be to get what you want.

But realize this - life is never perfect. And most of us re-invent ourselves constantly. Heck - I'm closing in fast on 50, and I'm still deciding what to be when I grow up! But I do it by choice. I love trying new things, and every time I learn something new it gives me a great sense of strength. One more thing I have conquered.

 

The heartache of lost love - that is always hard to overcome. And there could be an ache inside of you for a long time. You will learn to take that pain, & put it away in a little box inside your head. That, too, eventually becomes a part of who you are. But its up to you to decide whether you control it. Or it controls you.

I know I'm going on & on. I'm sorry. There are so many different layers in what you wrote - things I could really relate to.

 

Most important thing to tell you...

Smile. Know deep inside that things are going to be okay. Cuz they will : )