Would appreciate some opinions on this:

[Oneironaut]

Long story short, my LD ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago, after a year and a half together. At first he wanted to be friends, then about a week later I told him that I still loved him, so he got angry and said we couldn't be friends, and quit speaking to me for about a week, then one day started writing me again. At first he was cold, but gradually began warming up to me. So for the last 5 weeks, we've been "just friends", which hasn't been easy on me at times, but I'm managing. He initiates 90% of the contact, and we've spent many hours on the phone and texting back and forth. It's usually just friendly talk, but at times, it has gotten flirty.

 

However, this past Monday night, I ended our phone conversation by telling him that I still loved him, then quickly hung up before he had a chance to reply. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him again, as the last time I'd done that, he had become absolutely furious. So imagine my surprise when he started texting me again the very next day. This confused me, because in my mind, if your ex tells you that they still love you and you don't want ANYTHING to do with them, you simply don't have anything else to do with them...right??

 

So Tuesday we exchange some friendly, albeit rather formal, conversation. Wednesday he starts writing me again first thing in the morning, and he's still acting a bit cool, but definitely more friendly than the day before. Then, yesterday (Thursday), he starts writing me and has a completely different attitude: He's being friendly, making jokes, and flirting pretty hard, even calling me a pet name that he used to call me once, which stunned me.

 

My question is, am I wrong to think that maybe, I still have a chance at reconciliation here? I don't want to ask him outright, because he's not the type who likes to be pushed on anything, and he would perceive my asking as doing just that. But I have to admit, my hopes are higher than they've been for the last 7 weeks. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

 

Any advice or suggestions or opinions would be welcomed. I'm really, really confused by his behavior.

[elizabeth999]

I would say if he is still in contact with you that is a good sign and calling you pet names. I would still try to act friendly and not talk about getting back together. Maybe bring up just getting a quick coffee together nothing else. During coffee just be fun no breakup or I still love you conversations. You want him to like talking to you on the phone and texting and than like going to coffee. If he has feelings he will start to feel them again and remember it has only been 7 weeks.

[Oneironaut]

elizabeth, unfortunately we are long-distance. I would give almost anything to be able to ask him to coffee, because I'm sure he'd go.

 

But yes, during the time I do spend chatting with him via instant messenger, or talking on the phone, I never bring up the breakup or our past relationship, which is why my saying I still loved him at the end of the conversation on Monday night was so odd for me. I thought for sure he'd quit speaking to me, but I'm so glad he didn't. I just can't help but think it's a very, very good sign.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[smurfy1988]

from a guys point of view. i would say he is stringing you along because he is afraid to lose you completely, sort of like "insurance". the more you ignore him the more you will see him trying to contact you. try this when he starts flirting with you flirt back with him and open your feelings out to him. dare to tell him he is the love of your life and that you want to get back with him, if you do that he will once again go cold .. i know this because thats how the game goes.. once he feel he is losing you he will start contacting. just because he is contacting you does not always mean he wants to get back with you

[Bheart]

Honestly, I could imagine a LD relationship after a breakup is worth trying. Its hard enough being broken up with someone who lives only 30 minutes away from. I would really think twice if being "friends" is what you want out of this bonding. Since there is no more commitment in the relationship, this dude is bound to have you as his friend, and now he can start dating girls where he lives with no guilt b/c you are allowing him to be friends with you. The only thing I could think of if a person says "I love you" is because we dumpees cannot help but to read into every little world/phrase/comments that our exes says, but really, it is just words. I can tell a stranger on the street after being around them for one day, "Oh, you are my bestt friend!".. Do I really mean it? Maybe in a sense that I felt that I bonded with someone for a full day, but do I really think they are my best friend? NOOOOOO.. it's just words! People say "I love you" but it could also mean "I love you my friendd, you are so awesome, I am sooo comfortable with you b/c I known you for 3 years!". But yet, not be IN LOVE with you as a girlfriend.

 

See how confusing when you read into everything that they say. That is why actions speaks louder than word! Actions as in "I love you" because I am standing right infront of your door! "I love you" because I am sending off flowers at your job. That is moree than convincing enough for me than a "I love you" over the phone. *phone hangs up/CLICK!*

 

I know a relationship is a relationship. But If I were you in a long distance relationship? Honestly, I would not waste my time. As committed as you sound to be, you deserve and should seek into a relationship with someone near you that you can give your uninvited attention and love to. Don't waste your time, let alone torture yourself with all this maybe, what ifs, especially b/c it is LD. People can't even get back together who lives 10 minutes away from one another, I could imagine LD. You should go NC, stop with his games, and prove your love to someone else. Guarantee you would be better off especially b/c this guy seems to sound "too relaxed" in this relationship and thats not good.

 

Yes, they say if the ex keeps in contact, theres always a possibility, but just think, if you REALLY want to know if he likes you more than just "friends", cut off contact with him and see if he wants you back or thinks you moved on from being "friends" b/c if a person wants you back, they'll go by all means necessary to contact YOU. You staying in contact is only making him feel less guilty for breaking up with YOU.

[Oneironaut]

just because he is contacting you does not always mean he wants to get back with you

 

Sadly, this is very true. I think I'm starting to see that, very slowly and gradually. If he really wanted to get back with me, he would be contacting me more than he is, which really seems to be when it's convenient for him. When we were together, he used to text me at work a lot, just to say hello and what-not. Now, he VERY rarely ever texts me at work, even though he could. As much as I hate to admit it, that's really not a good sign.

 

if you REALLY want to know if he likes you more than just "friends", cut off contact with him and see if he wants you back or thinks you moved on from being "friends" b/c if a person wants you back, they'll go by all means necessary to contact YOU.

 

You're absolutely right, also. I've been thinking so much that being in his life would give him time to fall for me again, and in some ways, I think it is happening. Last night we talked for several hours, and I could hear his tone of voice becoming affectionate towards me a few times, just like it used to. But in light of the fact that I can't outright ask him what's going on, maybe it is time to disappear for a couple of days, to see how he reacts.

 

If he doesn't even seem to care about or notice my absence, then I guess there will be no avoiding the truth, that he is just keeping me in his life for HIS convenience.

 

And yes, being long distance is a pain, but at one time, we were planning quite seriously on him moving here to be with me, and I still believe he is worth the wait, IF there is any chance of reconciliation. If not, then of course I'll have to move on. Just not ready to give up yet.

 

Thank you both for your thoughts. Every little bit helps right now.

[Oneironaut]

Remember this FACT: He called it off with you! It's not YOUR job to try to reconcile things and chase him. It is purely his job now. He made the mistake, and now he has to set it right if he wants to win you back. Don't make this easy for him. It shouldn't be. If he's a "man," he'll set it straight and go after what he wants. If not, he's just being a boy and stringing you along.

 

Interesting. So many of us who are dumped feel like we're the ones who need to chase them and convince them it would be in their best interest to take us back, but the way you put it makes a lot of sense.

 

I have worried a bit that he is just stringing me along, but I also know him well enough to know that he's never been a person who has any problem saying, "no". That's why I was shocked to hear from him the day after I told him I still loved him. If he wanted nothing at all to do with me romantically, he would have pushed me far away after hearing that.

 

So now that I've made my feelings known to him, yes, it is up to HIM to pursue it further. I actually began a temporary "no contact" mode for myself today, and am going to do it for 2 days. As I said in a post above, if he doesn't even notice I'm gone, then I will have an answer as to how much I truly matter in his life.

 

Thank you for your post.