Confused about what to do next...

[Oneironaut]

Hello, everyone. I am new to this forum. Here is my story, and my questions:

 

We met online, and were instantly attracted to each other. The relationship was incredibly intense and even a bit volatile right away. We had some problems early on, but worked through them.

 

We met in person after 9 months, and the chemistry was...indescribable. We had a fantastic time together.

 

Fast forward about 6 months after our in-person meeting...I started going through an extremely bad period in my life, and became very clingy and needy. This annoyed him greatly, which is understandable. The more distant he became, the tighter I tried to cling. He finally broke up with me just under 6 weeks ago.

 

This is not the first time we have broken up, and the pattern is always the same: He breaks up with me, won't speak to me for a couple of days, then starts speaking to me, more and more and more, then finally asks me to be his girlfriend again.

 

[And yes, I know some will wonder WHY I want to get back with a guy who keeps breaking up with me...all I can say is a rather trite cliche', and that is that the course of true love is never smooth...we have had an extremely intense, passionate relationship, and it is good 80% of the time.]

 

Well, this time things are taking a lot longer than ever before...he broke up with me, wouldn't speak to me for a couple of days, then started texting me again, saying he wanted to be friends. However, I did the "stupid" thing of begging for him to come back, and so about a week after our breakup, he said it was obvious I couldn't be just friends, and he quit speaking to me again, for about a week.

 

After about a week, he started writing me again, being rather cold and distant at first. He asked if I could be just friends now, and because I didn't want to lose any and all contact with him, I said yes. Considering how far apart we are (opposites sides of the continent), "no contact" didn't seem like a very good idea, as I figured he would simply shrug and write me off entirely. I figured it was better to stay in his life to some degree than be out of sight and out of mind.

 

Well, over the course of the last 3 weeks, he has started texting and messaging me more and more frequently. We also talk on the phone, when free minutes start at night, and have literally spent hours talking lately. However, we NEVER talk about the relationship at all...just things like gaming, sports, world news, and so forth. We do flirt a little, but not a whole lot...it's very light flirting when it does happen. He initiates about 90% of the contact. I rarely ever contact him at all, but when he wants to talk, I always do.

 

Tonight after we had hung up from talking for a couple of hours, I began to think about all the "no contact" advice I had read online when we first broke up, and especially, the "don't be friends" advice. I want him back very badly, and I truly believe there is a chance it could still happen, as he is the type of person that if he didn't want ANYTHING to do with me, he wouldn't write me almost every day for the last few weeks. It's obvious that he still wants me in his life, and since the pattern he's following is the same as has happened before when he's dumped me, and since I want him back so badly, it's hard for me to not respond when he writes.

 

But, I guess my question is, would I stand a better chance of getting him back if I am not quite so available all the time? I do believe there is still hope, since I'm almost positive he knows I'm still in love with him, but he chooses to contact me frequently, anyhow. I don't believe this is all any kind of "ego boost" for him, as he never asks me questions that will inflate his ego at all, but he does ask me questions about whether or not I'm seeing anyone, or have anyone in mind I want to date, or whatever.

 

I was just reading up on "no contact" stuff a little while ago, and everything I read recommends that I back off and give him a chance to miss me. Does anyone here have any success with this, and after being friends with him now for several weeks, would it look bad if I suddenly just up and disappear? He knows my schedule and knows I spend most of my non-working free time on the computer. It might look really weird if I just stop answering his messages and texts.

 

Sigh...sorry for the length of this post, I'm just so torn and confused. I really, really want him back, I just hope I haven't screwed it up already. :sad:

[Oneironaut]

I believe I have finally found the problem with being "just friends"...he was logged onto the instant messenger program we both use for almost an hour, yet never wrote me...and he just now logged out without a single word.

 

So now I'm sitting here, absolutely struggling to hang onto the willpower not to call his cell and ask what the hell...but I truly don't want to make more of an ass of myself than I already have.

 

I really don't know what to do now. Part of me is screaming to break off the friendship, but I'm so afraid that if I do, I'll have no chance at all of getting him back. But I can't take this kind of painful wondering what is going on, why didn't he write me when HE'S the one who has been initiating most of the contact almost every day for weeks now...why not today?

 

I am so confused...any suggestions from anyone who has been in my situation, or otherwise, would be highly helpful at this point. :sad:

[LDRohnos]

I believe he still contacts you because he wants to know how you're handling the breakup. Meaning; Who are you dating, how is your life going without him and so on. He's hedging his bets...meaning he doesn't want to commit to you but still wants you to need his companionship if he wants it. It's a deadly combination in your situation and it happens very often.

 

Since this has happened a few times he now knows that he can come and go as he pleases with you and you'll always be there waiting for him. Listen to the song by Staind called "Right Here"...or read the lyrics.

 

He asks if you're dating anyone and if you're interested in dating because he wants to keep you on a hook, so to speak. If you told him that you were in a 4 month relationship with someone that you're very attracted to, he would probably instantly want you back more than he ever did before. I'm not saying to tell him this of course, that would be very dishonest and bad ediquette on your part.

 

He wants you in his life, but for very selfish reasons. He's using you as an ego boost, believe it or not.

 

The reason you go NC with people you break up with and do not continue relationships is because of exactly what happening to you. On your end your emotions and feelings with him are not subsiding and while he may still have feelings for you, he may be using you for his own purpose. It's conflicting but that's how I read it.

 

Friendship doesn't work after a break up. You need time to fully get over him and move on with your life. Unfortunately while you keep talking to him it's building your hopes up and keeping you "on the line" so to speak.

 

I would recommend (as much as it would hurt) to break contact with him and when you feel ABSOLUTELY nothing for him still (a long time from now) to maybe get back in touch again. Even then it's a slippery slope as old feelings can very quickly revive themselves.

 

To sum up: Yes if you want him back you're going to have to let him go.

[namelesslady]

Why are you wasting your time? Maybe he doesn't actually want to get back together this time. Maybe he does. Who cares? You said this relationship WAS volatile? No, it's STILL volatile. His constant coming and going is unacceptable. This is an extremely unhealthy pattern and you are so in love with him that you cannot see things objectively. I can tell you right now that you need to break all contact, grieve this relationship, and move on.

[Oneironaut]

Well, I can't argue with either of you.. Yes, every time he writes, the little knot of hope gets a little bigger.. And yes, the relationship is VERY volatile, and always has been. I'm not sure why I hang in there, to be honest. It's a question I've asked myself a thousand times in the last 19 months. My only defense is that love isn't always rational, or logical. Sometimes, it just is.

 

But I know you're both right. Tonight it really hit me like a brick. I've been trying so hard to suppress my emotions, and at least be his friend so I'd have him in my life in some aspect. But when he didn't write, my little house of cards came tumbling down, and I realized I just can't do it.

 

I either need him to be in a relationship with me, or leave me alone.

 

Unfortunately, the decision as to just walk away or at least give him an explanation isn't going to be easy. We've actually enjoyed a pretty decent friendship over the last few weeks. He's been really cool and rather caring, asking me how it went when he knew I had something big going on at work and stuff like that.. I actually feel kind of bad just ignoring him all of a sudden, but, hey.. HE'S the one who broke his promise to never "make the same mistake again", which is what he said after the first time he dumped me.

 

I guess he didn't learn his lesson, lol.. And damnit.. It's time he pays the price for writing checks he couldn't cash.. >,>

 

OK, going to go "no contact" starting right now. Wish me luck.. ](*,)