agreeing on an end to the distance

[kekep]

I've been in an LDR for a little over a year with a really wonderful guy. he lives 9 hours away. we talk everyday and see each other at least once a month. we've even talked about getting married down the line. both of us are in our late 20's and work. also i own a house with my sister here. anyway my problem is, on new years this year he told me he was going to move to my city (new orleans) by october. well, the october date has been pushed back to january b/c he's working on getting his pilot's license and has spent a lot of time and money on trying to get that. i'm starting to get the feeling that the january deadline won't happen though. not only b/c of the pilot's license, but combined with the fact that he hasn't even started looking for a job or an apt in my city. also, the last time i saw him he was on the phone with a friend he hadn't talked to in awhile and he said "i'm planning on moving to new orleans by spring of next year." he never mentioned anything about spring to me! so basically i feel like i'm in the dark about when he is going to be here...and i'm feeling like january probably won't happen...so my question is, shouldn't you have a set specific time for this distance thing to end? and if so do you have a right to be pissed if that date is pushed back or should you let it slide? not knowing the end date is really frustrating for me. i wish i could just have an exact date from him. i know everyone is going to say just talk to him about it, but how can i do that without seeming like a total nag? btw we have talked about it in the last couple of months and he told me he is definitely going to move here and will really try for january...

[lavenderdove]

Of course you have a right to be upset... he is changing major plans that have been made as a joint decision by a couple, without clueing you in to what he intends to do. Since an LDR affects both of you, you should be considered in decisions to push the date back.

 

Sadly, some people will talk a lot about moving, then when it comes right down to it, if they don't really want to move, they balk. They can also use this as a stalling tactic if they're not sure they want to get serious with the person they are having the LDR with.

 

And 'really try for January' is a wimpy way of saying he might not make it in January. So you need to have a serious talk with him and ask him to give specific reasons why he *wouldn't* make it in January. If there is not a really legitimate reason, then perhaps you need to tell him you think he is not really serious about moving because he keeps postponing it, and you are getting extremely unhappy with the situation and wondering if he is sincere and whether you should continue a relationship with someone who won't keep his commitments to you (i.e., he needs to take his commitments seriously and not as 'optional' for him to change anytime he pleases without discussing it with you).

 

If it were me, i'd only wait so long. I was involved in an LDR where i discovered the guy had another girlfriend in his own town, and was basically happy with the way it was and liked the distance between us because he could keep us both and keep us separate. So he really had no intention of ever making it formal with me and having us live in the same town, because he liked the freedom being in an LDR gave him (to deceive me and be with other women).

 

So i'm careful to warn anyone in an LDR whose guy keeps stalling to make sure he doesn't have an ulterior motive for the stalling, either another woman, or no real intention to move because he likes it the way it is and likes have the freedom an LDR gives him and doesn't want to move to your town or have you move to his.