Living together

[lostgirlaus]

I’ve posted on here about this situation about 3 months ago but in these 3 months much has happened and I’ve realized I was going about it the wrong way earlier. My boyfriend and I aren’t really LD but we pretty much never get to see each other except Saturday nights/Sunday and even then it’s not possible every weekend due to various commitments etc.

 

My mindset back then was I wanted to move in with him to get away from my situation at home which I wasn’t happy with. I now know that was the wrong way to go about it and never did end up talking to him about it back then. We have just had our 8 months and I would like to move in with him sometime towards the end of this month. I want to move in with him because I love him and not seeing him often enough tears me apart. I want to take us to the next step.

 

He lives at home with his family whom I get along great with. I spend most weekends there and we all love each other so I’m sure there won’t be any conflict if I did move in. I’d be paying his folks rent so that’s not an issue either.

 

I know it would be better if we both got a place together, which is also an option I’m willing to consider but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to move out...

 

He broke up with me 2 months ago and came back after 6 weeks. In about a week it will be 1 month of him coming back. I know it seems a bit too early but I feel that this is right. He has changed for the better and our love is stronger than ever now.

 

I’m pretty adamant on this issue but I’m just not sure how to bring it up? I want to make sure he knows that if I move in he'll still have his space as well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow, I think you are definitely rushing things...what is going on at home that you feel you must leave. Basically you will be leaving one parental home to move to your boyfriend's parental home. So you are not really moving in with him, you are moving in with his parents..obligating his parents to take you in as a boarder. That is not right. You do not invite yourself to stay at someone's parents' home. It should be up to your boyfriend to invite you to stay with him AFTER he has spoken to his parents about it. You may be there every weekend but that is NOT the same as living there permanently. By moving there permanently the parents lose their family privacy. Also, if this guy dumped you a month ago and now you are back together, the relationship is still not on solid ground. Living together does not necessarily push a relationship forward. It is also not "the next step" contrary to what many people seem to feel. I think you are rushing things and it has to do with desperation for him and desperation to get out of your own house. Neither of you are independently living on your own and that is something that is more important than moving in together at his parents's house.

[sadchick83]

Dont rush moving in together....it killed my relationship. You should wait and move in together. You will always be in his face. DOn't do it!

[lostgirlaus]

As I said before, it's NOT because of the situation at home that I want to move out. I'm not on here asking for advice on if I should move or not. I'm asking advice on how I should go about it.

[lostgirlaus]

Dont rush moving in together....it killed my relationship. You should wait and move in together. You will always be in his face. DOn't do it!

 

Mind if I ask how it killed your relationship?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As I said before, it's NOT because of the situation at home that I want to move out. I'm not on here asking for advice on if I should move or not. I'm asking advice on how I should go about it.

 

If you have to ask how to go about doing it that means you really don't feel you are on steady ground with him. You say you would give him his space..but how could that happen when he is living at home with his parents. If he wants private time he no longer has his bedroom because you will be there. Instead of looking at this as what you want, why not see this as imposing yourself on his family. You don't invite yourself to live at someone else's home..they should be inviting you...and if your boyfriend hasn't invited you..and even felt like he wanted to break up with you a mere month ago, that tells me that asking him to live there with him at his parents' house is really rushing it. If he lived on his own then I would say differently because the matter is simply between you and your boyfriend...but he is not his own master because he is living with his parents and it is not fair to his parents to impose yourself on them like that. It is not just about living quarters...there are other bills...utilities, phone bill, food, taking up space in the refrigerator etc. Will you buy groceries? Will you and your boyfriend buy your own milk or would you be using the milk that his parent's buy. How much will his parents end up spending extra so that you could live there? You are someone else's daughter and they should not be responsible for subsidizing your living expenses.

[lostgirlaus]

I'd appreciate it if you actually read the OP, I've already stated that I'd pay rent and that included utilities and food expenses.

 

He'd have his own space because I wouldn't be holed up in his room 24/7..

 

Just because I don't know how to bring it up doesn't mean I "really don't feel like I am on steady ground with him". It just means I don't know how to go about it the best way.

 

But thanks for your help anyway.

[sadchick83]

Hey guys,

 

I am just trying to help. Moving in ruined my relationship, and I would love to have someone just look at what happened to me, and make their own decision. I'm not trying to judge anyone, just offering some insight.

 

Just paying rent is one of about a thousand issues when two people move in together. Maybe (just maybe) you take very long showers- jacks up the water bill, are very clean when he is messy, or you are messy and he is tidy. My guy left every light in the house on, tripped the house alarm weekly, to the point where the alarm company was warning us for so many false alarms. He always forgot to lock the doors when my work computer is situated right by the door in a rough neighbourhood. I could not leave him alone in the house 'cause I was always paranoid he would leave a door/window open.

 

Tomorrow I am taking my car in for $2000 worth of damages I did to the side of the car because he took the plumb parking spot with his pick up truck, leaving me with the tight alley spot.

 

He has this image of you (especially easy when you live apart) as sexy-ready. Now he will see the majority of the time with no make-up, pyjamas, with a cold/flu, your period. It is not sexy to move in with a guy and his parents unless they live in a mansion and you live in the west wing.

 

You will have no "mystery" to you. He will know where you are every moment of the day. Sorry , but you will be in his face 24/7. He can come home late always knowing you are there waiting.

 

If you move in together, wait a year, save up for a down payment and split everything down the middle. You should never move in with a guy for convienience. or, go rent a place with him at least. Or, does he want to keep living with his parents???

 

8 months is not that long, especially for a weekend relationship. My bf moved into my house because his mother was moving- in a nice way kicked him out. This was 7 months into a relatonship where I saw him 5 days out of 7.

 

Read my post on how I had to change the locks on his bithday!!

[lostnscared]

Why don't you just wait for him to ask you?

[lostgirlaus]

The rent part isn’t an issue at all. He already pays his parents board and I’d be more than happy to pay the same as what he does or maybe even a bit extra. I know all his habits and he knows mine, we are very similar. He can get a bit messy sometimes and I can too but we both know that we need to clean up and when to do it. He always cleans up the night before I’m coming over and I tell him not to worry about it or I’ll give him a hand when I get there but he says no he wants to do it.

 

Next issue was the “sexy-ready”. I stay over at his house on most weekends. He has seen me with my hair a mess, when I’ve been sick as a dog and having coughing fits, on my period, in my pjs and without them too. I pretty much never wear make-up, so he always sees me without it. I never said it would be “sexy to move in with a guy and his parents”. I don’t want it to be “sexy”, I just want to be close to the man I love and wake up next to him each morning.

 

“You will have no "mystery" to you. He will know where you are every moment of the day.” This is true, but to be honest, at the moment he already knows what I do every day and vice versa. You mentioned him coming home late and having me waiting there for him. He doesn’t really go out too often so that’s not a problem.

 

Thanks for your input though

[lostgirlaus]

Why don't you just wait for him to ask you?

 

Because I know him. He never initiates anything, not even the smallest things. He'll never ask me by himself.

[uncomfynumb]

Because I know him. He never initiates anything, not even the smallest things. He'll never ask me by himself.

 

Then he is a child and children shouldn't do adult things. He can't even sustain himself on his own without his parents.

 

You have been very defensive to other posters that are very wise which is a sign of immaturity in you otherwise you wouldn't dismiss great advice simply because it is not what you want to hear.

 

My advice is that you should wait until you both grow up a little bit before attempting to play house.

[lostnscared]

This is my opinion: Ask him if you want to.

But that doesn't mean that things will turn out as you like. I think that in these cases, it's best that the person who has the place--that you'd like to move into-should be the one to ask you to move in, not the other way around. Mainly because I'm of a school of thought to where people will do what they want to do, and if that person wanted you to move in, he would have made it out in the open--even if it were indirect comments, or hints. The fact that he hasn't, means he probably isn't thinking about it.

He doesn't initiate things. OK. But what if he isn't initiating this particular event BECAUSE he doesn't want you to move in? What if this isn't what he wants? Have you asked him how he feels about living with the "so" at a parents home?

 

I think you should ask him that and then take it from there.

 

Good luck.

[sadchick83]

I agree with uncomfynumb,

 

You are already responding in a defensive way to each point brought up by the different posters. I wish you luck with this situation, I really do. You will either get along swimmingly, or it will be the end of your relationship. Where will you go if you break up?

 

Why take that kind of chance??..Wait it out a few more months. If he really likes you he will leave the family nest and the two of you can test out your relationship in a rental situation.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would wait until you're both able to get your own place, in order to move in together. Also, I believe that if you're responsible enough to live together, that's great, but it's not the responsibility of either of your parents to put a roof over your heads.

 

If you decide to step into their territory, I'm sure you'll soon wish that you made a different choice.