A couple months, a move, and I still miss her...

[Philabonia]

So, after reading a lot of posts on this website for the past couple of months, I thought it high time to post my story.

 

My ex and I dated a little over 2 years. We were in our last years of undergrad, and I had just gotten over my high school sweetheart when we started talking. It started as friends as first - she had actually been friends with my high school flame, so I guess it was cathartic to talk about what was going on; to me, it was nice to have her "insiders opinion." Honestly, I did not see the relationship going anywhere at first; I thought I was too messed up from the previous relationship, and wasnt sure if I was capable of feeling that type of love again. But, somehow, I fell into a relationship with her. She was just the sweetest, most caring & and genuine person I had ever met. After coming out of a tumultuous relationship with a very unhappy person, it was a breath of fresh air. The "honeymoon" phase was great; I tried to hold my feelings back, and not fall in love with her, but by the christmas of 2008 (we started dating that july) it had become very obvious to me that I was madly in love with her. We moved in together that next summer. Through that next year of living together, things got rough. She got into some trouble with the law that put a lot of stress on our relationship, while I was at the same time applying to law school and writing my thesis. I took her for granted, and started treating her like she would never leave. I said and did things partly because of stress, and for reasons I cant begin to explain or understand. I say this now looking back, because at that moment, I didn't realize I was pushing her away. Part of me thinks I was putting up a wall subconsciously;I saw the end of college nearing, and with it the inevitable crossroads that could lead to us breaking it off. Maybe I was scared to get so further enveloped in it? Did I push her away because I didnt want things to end, and me be destroyed again? I really cant be sure - all I know is that I said and did things that I now regret with all of my heart. The Iphone allows you to read texts from months previous, and I cant believe some of the things I said - I was just an ass. Now, its not to say that she didnt do some illogical things as well, but I tend to place a lot of the blame on myself in this; I feel like I let things get in between us, and she was no longer my priority.

 

Anyways, after school ended, we went on a cruise together. We had a great time - one of the best experiences of my life. When we returned, it was time for us to move out of our apartment. I was going to be moving to law school, and she was going to be moving back home for the rest of the summer, and then move close to my school. The last time I saw her was one of the most passionate experiences of my life. I honestly felt like I couldnt leave, and I had tears in my eyes. It took a few hours to get up the courage to finally leave. We skyped and talked daily for two weeks, but then, out of the blue, she sent me an email on June 17, telling me that she needed a break. I did not react well. I told her that a break was just an excuse for her to do what she wanted and have me in her back pocket, and for the sake of my dignity, I couldnt allow myself to be treated like that. It was over. I hung up on her. Within hours, I knew I had made a mistake. I tried calling her back, but she would not pick up. The next day, I called her from a friends number, and she picked up. She told me that she simply did not love me anymore, and that it had been building for some time. She was sorry, but I had to move on. We have not spoken on the phone since.

 

I tried texting her for a few weeks afterwards, but she never responded. She only texted me to ask for my new address to send my stuff to about two weeks after the inital break. I responded, and tried to get her to open up emotionally, but to no avail. I gave her a month of NC from July 3 to August 5, and then tried again. She admitted she was being a " * * * * * ," but then she stopped talking to me a texts later. I texted her again a few days ago, letting her know that her mother and grandmother had contacted me via email (her family loved me), but she never responded.

 

Now, I have moved to a different part of the country, I have thrown away everything that reminds me of her, and I have deleted her number and email addresses. Yet, when I went out last night with some friends and got a little too drunk, I somehow found a way to call her. I remembered the number, and dialed it in - on a touchscreen. I just feel so lost without her; she was my reprieve from the hectic life I chose to live. I know I made mistakes, but I am young, and I have admitted my faults and honestly learned from them. She wont even talk to me - we never had closure. On this entire website, I have not found another situation where a girl simply just stops talking to her ex, at the drop of a hat.

 

The days are hard, and the nights much harder. Law school keeps me busy, but I have a hard time falling asleep, and sometimes I am afraid to. All I do is dream about her, and wake up angry or depressed. I cant think of a moment in the past 3 months that she hasnt been far from my mind. When I go out with my friends (thank god for them, they try so hard to cheer me up) I cant even talk to women, because I am still in love with her. I do try, but the moment they do something that reminds me of her or upsets me in a way that relates to my situation, the rest of the night is ruined. Its like a trigger, and its almost not worth even going out anymore. I'm not sure if I even want my ex back anymore, after everything. I never knew she was capable of such sullen heartlessness - I wasnt aware that anyone was. I know I made mistakes, and we had our problems, but I think there is something left to talk about.

 

I really want to talk to her, but it seems like I might never have the opportunity. Though she hurt me, I still love her. Doesnt mean I still want to be with her, but I would like to have some finality. I wanted to marry this women at one point (she knew this), doesnt that mean anything to her?

 

So I guess I'm asking, what do I do? I feel like I'm sitting on top of a ticking bomb. I work out constantly, to get out the stress, and I bury myself in books during the week. I go out with friends, and meet tons of women, but I always come back to her. Will this ever end? Time doesnt seem to heal the wound, only dull the blade.

[Sweetkisses22]

I think you should tell her exactly what you just said. Find her email and send it. You have nothing to lose considering she's not even talking to you. The only reason a girl would just stop talking to you out of the blue like that is either because she's found someone new or that you've hurt her too much and nc is the only way to end the pain. Which means there still may be a possibility that she still loves you. Just tell her exactly what you just said here. Clearly she meant a lot to you. Maybe she needs to be reminded of that considering you did push her away before.

[Philabonia]

I just emailed her - I got back "the reason I dont want to talk to you is that you always want to talk about things I dont want to talk about"... I responded with, essentially, "we are just supposed to forget?", to which she replied "no, just get over it though"

 

I just dont understand this. I've done nothing but try to show her a different side of me, and its like she doesnt give two you-know-whats. Its like shes not even the same person. I really hope, for her sake, there is someone else - because if not, it just means shes darn near soulless...

[Cadence44]

I just dont understand this. I've done nothing but try to show her a different side of me, and its like she doesnt give two you-know-whats. Its like shes not even the same person. I really hope, for her sake, there is someone else - because if not, it just means shes darn near soulless...

 

There's another possibility other than her being with someone else and/or lacking a soul (lol).

 

Whether she has someone new or not, it was hard for her to break up with you. Now that it is done, she wants to avoid being reminded of that pain. She practically tells you that when she says that you bring up things she doesn't want to talk about.

 

You see, she is still in the stage of convincing herself that she made the right decision and anything that you do will only be used to provide her with additional evidence that she did indeed make the right decision. You basically cannot win no matter what you do.

 

The only thing that you can do that won't be met with silence or rejection is to let her be and move on with your life. This takes the pressure off of her and accelerates the timeline of her remembering your good qualities. Right now she only thinks of the bad.

[Philabonia]

That makes a lot of sense - not something I can ever see myself doing (or able to do), but at least I can see the train of thought. I definitely feel - from her tone/wording - that she has built up a wall. Its so sad, because its entirely unnecessary. She never even sat me down and told me the verity of our situation. Though I feel I am to blame for the end of us, I feel that she went about this all wrong. I guess I just have to make myself hate her so that I can try and move on. That seriously seems to be my only option. I have forgiven her for hurting me, and damn do I hope shes happy, but, since we never had any closure and I have so many things I want to say, all I can see is how I would react in this situation. To say the least, it would not be like this. She obviously has never had her heart broken - if she did, she would understand the meaning of empathy.

 

I realize that there are very few people in this world that truly care about another the way I do for her, and I would never get rid of them so quickly or with such callousness. I mean, what more could a person ask of another in this life? I truly wish she could understand this concept.

[Sweetkisses22]

Yea she seems very hurt and guarded. I guess maybe try to be her friend rather than bf right now. She may think your still the same person. I really am not sure but she seems like she was hurt by the break up also.

[Sweetkisses22]

I can honestly relate to how she feels. My bf continually hurt me and took me for granted all the time. It took all of me to break up with him because i didn't want to, i still loved him. The only way to try to make yourself feel better is to try to forget it. Maybe that's what she's trying to do.

[Philabonia]

Yea she seems very hurt and guarded. I guess maybe try to be her friend rather than bf right now. She may think your still the same person. I really am not sure but she seems like she was hurt by the break up also.

 

Its good to hear a womens side in all of this, since I cannot talk to her about it. The last thing I sent her (since she will not pick up calls) was "fine, if its between not having you in my life and sucking it up, we can talk about whatever you like - the weather, your job, I dont care - I just miss you and hearing your voice." She didnt respond. As you said, shes obviously either very hurt, or has another person. Seeing as she was so sweet and caring when we were good, I tend to believe she is hurt (though I dont doubt another guy's attention is also involved). It doesnt really bother me, about the possibility of another guy; I really do want her to be happy, and if thats what it takes, then so be it. We both have our lives to live, and if thats what the present calls for, then theres not much I can do. I just dont want to mess up the possibility of a future. Like I said, she was the most genuine women I've ever known, and I would wait for her to figure things out.

 

Question - how can you show them (after time has past and they are more open) that you wont take them for granted? I was young, stressed, and living with a women for the first time, so I would think those obvious factors would be reason enough to give me a second chance down the road.

[Ms Darcy]

Question - how can you show them (after time has past and they are more open) that you wont take them for granted? I was young, stressed, and living with a women for the first time, so I would think those obvious factors would be reason enough to give me a second chance down the road.

 

You can't convince someone of anything. You are in a no-win situation. You need to realize that she was breaking away long before you knew it, so when you finally heard about the break she was ready to leave. You can't get closure from someone esle ... you need to get closure from yourself. It is hard, I know, but she's not going to talk to you.

 

I think the first thing you need to retrain your mind to think is that it is not her responsibility to explain why the break up happened. Repeat this to yourself. You pretty much know. What you want is a chance to convince her. Your second job is to realize that you can't convince anyone of anything. If her life is better without you right now ... you should celebrate that. Give her that space, give her the chance to miss you. If she contacts you in the future, then you can go from there.

[Philabonia]

True - I guess there really is nothing left to say, if she doesnt want to converse. I guess I feel like there is so much, bc there is the assumption that she would talk too. But, if I put myself in the situation where I try to force things, I can definitely see how it would just blow up in my face and push her farther away, all the while accomplishing nothing. I will try my best just to go NC and give her space. Her birthday is in mid-October, so I guess I should just wait til then? I truly do want her to be happy, but I am still very confused about how this all went down. Though you say it is up to me to find closure, the light-switch, "on/off" nature of her behavior still baffles me. The other sex can be such a mystery.

[Philabonia]

Keep dreaming of her...has me up far too early. This has absolutely got to stop, but how can you stop your subconscious? Ive been working out 2-3 times a day to quash such silly distractions during daylight, but how can you stop someone from haunting you at night? Continuing NC, but it does hurt to know that she wants it this way - part of me wants her to miss me. But heres a tip Ive found helpful: keep your phone away from you as much as possible. It decreases anxiety and the constant checking to see if theyve called.

[Philabonia]

Im having a really tough time not trying to contact her tonight - I should be studying, but I cannot stop thinking about her. I want her in my life, in some way. I dont know if that is for the best, but I just miss her so much. Time has only reaffirmed how much I love her. I try to keep my composure during the day, but the nights are eating me alive.

 

I guess Im asking for help. Someone please talk me out of texting her, because I know if I go lay down, thats all I will want to do. I appreciate it.

[okane24]

What's up man...

 

Did you text her? Try not to bro. I know it's hard. You sound like me. I can't sleep sometimes and I've been working out like a mad man.

 

My ex and I are in NC right now. 5 days and it's killin me.

 

She was the HOTTEST, coolest girl I've ever met. I even Semi proposed to her... but she's still young and not ready.

 

Yeah, the nights and the mornings are killer. I hear you. All you can do and think about is when they were in your arms and how good it was.

 

I feel your pain. I'm living through it right now.

 

Try and read CrapatNC's thread on Nonchalant and also his 43 reasons to go NC. It helps me out ALOT. I read it religiously.

 

All I can i say is keep BUSY bro. Keep people around you. Friends, girls, family, whatever. Just keep your mind occupied. Thoughts of her will undoubtedly sneak in, they always do. Just don't let them overwhelm your day and time and purpose.

 

This is a Great time to see what you're made of. Iron and Steel are only formed in the Hottest of temperatures. Feel the heat man, you're in the thick of it. (I'm talking to myself right now too).

 

Stay strong. Keep the faith and keep going and thinking Clearly.

 

Good luck bro. Things WILL get better, but you gotta work at it.

[Philabonia]

Naa...I didnt text her. Took an ambien and hit the sack. Ya, working out and school is about the only thing keeping me sane. I run 6 miles every morning, simply to work out the dreams from the night before. Its been 3 months of this, and Im in the best shape of my life, but Ive never been more messed up emotionally. Feel like Im losing my mind at times.

 

The memories hurt man, but the good thing about being human is that your long term loses details fairly quickly - we broke up June 17 (last time I actually saw her was May 27), and Im already having a hard time remembering certain little characteristics. I guess that is good.

 

My girl and I were engaged. It was kept under wraps (parents are fairly conservative), but there was a ring involved. Its just insane - shes simply another person. I have to assume something is chemically wrong with her at this point, bc I dont know how anyone could ever do this. I couldnt, no way.

 

Ya, I read their stuff, and it helps. I also like that "iron and steel quote" - haha makes it into a challenge - good perspective to have.

 

I honestly think its getting to the point that I'm just going to have to find another person to get over her with. But that means Im a serial monogamist (or masochist - I havent decided yet), and I dont like that trait in me.

 

Oh well, my friends surprised me with a trip to Atlantic City tonight. Time to forget about myself for a while!

[Philabonia]

I hate this - I go out with my friends, try to meet women and just forget about her, but then I always end up back on the computer, alone and depressed. I either drink way too much and they have to carry me home, or I drink nothing and get frustrated when my mind turns to my ex. Its not fair to my friends, who are trying to have a good time and dont need to be tending to a drunk guy (if Im drinking), and its not fair to anyone I so happen to meet (if Im sulking). Ive been told Im quite attractive to the opposite sex, and this is the first time Ive been single since I lost a good bit of weight, so the option of finding someone else is definitely always there. But, for some reason, I dont want anyone else in the sense of filling my ex's role - I kind of want someone someone to just show sincere interest, and that's it. I really have no problem with not "picking up" - I honestly dont know how well I could treat someone else right now, being that I am pretty emotionally unavailable. Its the typical "I just want her" thing - no one else would do. I did the whole random hookup thing to try and fill the hole she left in the weeks just after she left, but I found that it just leaves the hole more evident, and another soul hurt by my unavailability. I dont want to hurt anyone else, so I'd much rather be alone.

 

I had a thought today - the ONLY time she ever contacted me in the past 3 months was to ask for my new address to send my stuff to (which she never sent, BTW), and to let me know that she told our old apt. complex to send me the security deposit check. Every other time, it has been me breaking NC, either out of sheer pain, or being drunk (Ive since remedied that). The first time, about a month ago, I told her I wanted to be friends. She agreed, and said that she had "been a big (female dog) about this whole situation." I asked if we could talk on the phone, and she replied "I dont know if Im ready for that." I asked why, and she never responded. I sent her 3-4 more texts, trying to get a response, but nothing came of it. I sent her a letter on August 4 (handwritten), telling her I loved her and missed her, and that I wanted to show her another side of me. Upon receiving it, she texted me that she was "sorry that I was having such a rough time with things, but that [she] still felt the same way, and that I needed to move on." I proceeded to send 3-4 long texts, trying to get another response, but nothing. I dropped it again 2 weeks ago, when I, feeling very cavalier, texted her that "school [is] just about to start, and I would not be here without you." I also stated that it was a shame that things were the way they were. Once again, no response. I texted her again 6 days ago, saying "I wish we could talk like adults - I still do not understand why you will not talk to me." She finally responded - by saying "you want to talk about things I dont want to talk about." Again, I sent her a few texts, trying to get another response, but to no avail. Now, I have not contacted her, and do not plan on trying to do so until mid-October (her birthday).

 

Last night, I went out with my friends, and for the first time, my thoughts did not turn to her. It was a good night, even though it ended alone. I'm fine with that - I know it is better this way. I have been in relationships for the past 7 years (Im only 23), so I think its time I give myself a little space. Other women are not my problem - getting over her is. I do not know why I'm such a serial monogamist, or why Im so torn up over this women (other than the fact that we were engaged), but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I was raised by women. My biological father was never in the picture, and my step-dad and I never got along until recently. So, my grandmother and mother were always my comfort. They never left, no matter how ridiculous or stupid I acted. I think that is partly why I treated her the way I did, when things got really hectic. She was my rock, and I thought she would never leave. But Ive realized that she wasnt my family - she could leave, and she did. I know we were bad at the end, and there needed to be a change - I was not happy, and at at times, I thought about ending things too. But I loved her, and willed myself to see it through the rough patches. I truly believed that if you loved something, be willing to work for it. I guess that is why I've done so much introspection - I cant go a day without thinking about her, so I'm doing all I can to be better, in the hopes that she has some sort of epiphany. If she doesnt, I will still be better off.

 

Im having a hard time letting go of a lot of my regrets though. I mean, I'm forgetting about specific times when I did dumb things (thank you horrible memory), but I still know that I said things to her that were uncalled for. Thats hard to get over - she was a very sweet, genuine person, and I took advantage of it. I brought this on myself. I hope maybe one day I can forgive myself for being so wrong, and move forward. That might take longer than letting go of her.

 

I do believe she became a part of me, though. I feel like the person I was with her, is no longer me. So, to let her go, do I have to let that part of me go as well? I dont think I will ever stop loving her, but I am seeing now that loving her and being in love with her are two separate things. To not be in love with her is to say goodbye to that aspect of my life, and I think that will be hard to do. It sucks, losing the most important thing in your life, because once they are the most important thing in your life, they affect everything that comes after them.

 

I guess I will just continue to post on here - its kind of therapeutic. I have no questions that can be answered, but I need a place to put my thoughts. Comment if you so please.

[lacrosselover]

I think you might need to take some time away from this, and then read what you wrote again. Calling her all the time? E-mails? Messages?

Let's table her behavior for a moment. The way you're acting right now, do you think this is real love? Let's say as a hypothetical she wanted to get back together tomorrow. Would you trust it? Do you think your relationship would be stronger because of all the reaching out you've done. This woman is obviously very important to you, but I don't see love in your actions. I see desperation, I see sadness, but I don't see real genuine love.

 

If wanting to get back with her is for love, maybe instead you should wish her well, let her know you'll always be there for her if she needs you, and then go out and live a life you can be proud of.

 

Being single is hard, and it sounds like you haven't been single in a while. But this is a time in your life when you can really find out what you need. I think your time right now would be better spent making a life without her. A lot of your posts have been about her. What about YOU?! What do you (minus her) want? What do you want from relationships in general? I think discovering your single life might also help you have a healthier relationship with someone in the future, if you get back together with her or not.

 

I started my breakup contacting all the time too. Then I realized, there was no happiness for me there. It's clear that this girl is not going to tell you anything you want to hear. You keep playing over the same dialogue hoping for a different answer. Find where happiness is. It's waiting for you, just not with her, not right now.

[jsew]

Writing is the best way to let out emotions that are causing disturbances in life.

[brokenhurt]

um going through same phase broken up 1.5 mnths ago, 21 days of no contact ...initially i begged and cried but it further pushed her away so dont do this......although there is a very slim chance..but anything is possible ..never say no

 

Regretting on what you have done will only make you more angry and make you loose hope.you cant go back in past to amend things .if you are made for each other you will surely get back together one day

 

Thats what my gf said to me when she broke up "if i will be in your luck you will get me back one day no matter how hard it seems"

[Philabonia]

Let's table her behavior for a moment. The way you're acting right now, do you think this is real love? Let's say as a hypothetical she wanted to get back together tomorrow. Would you trust it? Do you think your relationship would be stronger because of all the reaching out you've done. This woman is obviously very important to you, but I don't see love in your actions. I see desperation, I see sadness, but I don't see real genuine love.

 

Probably because I have a lot of pent-up animosity towards her as well. If you read some of my prior posts, she broke up with me two weeks after a cruise that I dropped a lot of money on. Then, about 2 weeks after our breakup, one of her friends drunkenly confessed that she had been thinking about breaking up with me for months before. So, couple that, with the fact that I had pretty much been her personal driver ever since her DUI, and you can see how it hurt that I did so much for her, yet she just walked away as soon as she moved. I know I said and did a lot of things that I shouldnt have, and man do I regret them, but what about me? What about what I was going through?? I was working, going to school, having to drive her everywhere, deal with her depression, pay bills, write a thesis, apply to grad school - all at the age of 21/22. AND, I was living with a girl for the first time. Like I said, I regret a lot of things, but it wasnt like that person was who I am normally.

 

I do love her, and I know what we had at that particular time, had to end. What I am upset about is the way she has acted since. You see, I've done a lot of traveling, and put myself out there a lot (into the single world), and its only reaffirmed that I love her. I understand that she was going through a rough time too, so that person she was, is not her normally. I get that, so why cant she?

 

Nonetheless, I did do that - that actually is almost verbatim my last text. "Look, I dont care what we talk about, I just miss you. I need you in my life. But I know its not in the cards right now, so take your time and call me if you ever need anything." She just never says anything back, so I have to wonder if it had the emotional impact I hoped it would.

 

What do I want? In a perfect world, this would be the fall of 2008, and we would be back to before all of the external problems started. The legal troubles were the death knell of us. But, of course, thats impossible. So what I want now is to be able to walk down the street, totally alone, and be ok with it. I dont want someone else. I'm in grad school, studying for my doctorate - I dont need anyone to become invested in. But I would like to be able to not miss her, yet stay single. I want to be emotionally balanced to the point that I can accept what happened, and just be ok. Right now, I'm either a stone wall of non-emotion, or a blubbering, depressed mess. I know this will come in time. But, for once, I am strong on the NC. That is what I am most proud of in the short term. I think this website is to thank - thank you everyone for being here!

[brokenhurt]

I think thats the big problem that we regret when everything is gone.we do such stupid stuff because we know they are just ours and they will not hurt us and thats the big mistake we people make .

 

Usually girls have this tendency to hide what they are feeling about you and if they are falling out of love with u or there feelings are falling for you over time they just blast once when they say "i need a break" unlike women we man mostly utter what we have in our heart.and keep saying to them that we will leave u blah blah blah coz we think that by doing this we will have uper hand on gf

[Philabonia]

Spoke to my ex ex last night (4 year on again/off again relationship that ended when she got pregnant by a fling) - she told me it wasnt I that ruined the relationship, that I was a good boyfriend, and that she understood why I acted the way I acted. Exact quote was "you may have done things to upset me in the moment, but I cant remember one time that I didnt know how much you loved me." It was nice to hear - that relationship ended on an extremely bad note, and yet, 3 years later, she says that. Plus, its the first kind words from a women I have heard in a while. Made me feel so much better, for some reason. Actually could go to sleep without having a weight on my shoulders. Gives me hope that maybe one day the most recent one will have a change of heart. Until then, though, my goal is trying to get to the point that I can be ok and confident in myself, completely alone. I dont know if its possible, but after 7 years of looking for my own happiness in others, I think its time to give it a try.

[brokenhurt]

Best of luck man

[Philabonia]

Had a couple good days in a row - feel like im slowly starting to come out of the setback I had last week. Starting to see that she was the one who made a mistake by breaking up with me. Ya, I have guilt, but I think I deserved much better than how she went about this. Shes acting like I betrayed her trust, and I could not have been more devoted. I still think about her all the time though - it simply does not hurt as much. Has anyone ever gotten better, only to get worse again? How many times? For me, this was my second "pitfall" - but ive never felt this good afterwards. Third times a charm?

[Philabonia]

She contacted me today - to talk about our security deposit for our old apartment. Havent talk to her in a month, and all she can say is "they sent me our check - do you want me to send it to you at your new address?" I responded with a yes, and that was it. I dont even ask myself how she can be so cold anymore - I think I have accepted that. Now, its just sad. I dont want to talk to her, and I was angry that she contacted me. It just brought back all the memories of the pain that Im trying to move on from. I'm doing much better, and Im happy that I did not want to talk to her, but it doesnt change the fact that when I take a step back and look at everything that has taken place, I cant help but grimace - its just so sad, to see what could've been, and to know what is reality.

[Philabonia]

My heart was pounding in my ears, and I couldn't turn the key, so I searched for anything of yours in my car. All I could find was a pen. I ran back upstairs to give it to you, though really, it was just an excuse to say goodbye one more time.

 

There you were - tears running down your face, just as I had left you minutes before. I hugged you. I kissed you. I told you it was going to be alright. It would just be a few weeks until we saw one another again. Life was moving forward, but we would be just fine.

 

But we would not be. It was the last time I ever saw you. Almost two years later now, and I think of that moment almost everyday. How ironic it was - how cruel, to make our last moment together so charged with emotions misplaced. What would I have said if I had known that when I closed that door as I left, it was the closing of our chapter together?

 

I would have told you I loved you, and that you meant more to me than I could define or express. I wish I could have found a way to show you, so that you did not make our final goodbye so lacking of what it really should have been.

 

There is no way to change the past, or answer the questions that remain. I only wish I would have known when that goodbye needed to be said, so that you knew how much cared.

 

I still remember the way you wrapped your arms around my neck, and strained to hold our embrace as I turned towards the door. I can feel your hair on my cheek - still hear your whimper in my ear. I hope that in the final moment we locked eyes before I stepped out into the night, you knew that I would regret everything I had not done, and left unsaid.

 

If only I'd known it would be the last time I could have you to myself, I'd have held you for just a little bit longer, and kept that measly pen.