I made contact (day 36)

[oldman]

cant believe my ex called me today. we talked and after much reading up on the forum here, i was calm and collected, applying everything i've learnt and it worked its magic somewhat. i got to know that she didnt actually run off with a colleague. she's still single and in fact turned down the colleague's offer to go steady. we broke up cos she finally had the guts to stand up for herself cos i made alot of empty promises after we had bad aruments (why hasnt) but i guess the colleague has got something to do with it. but hes out of the picture.

 

we might be meeting up for coffee on monday night but that all depends on her.

 

i hope everyone will get this chance to meet up again with their loved ones and start fresh again. i know i will not screw up this time nad prove to her that my promises this time are not empty.

[majord23]

What you seem to be saying is that once something has been broken emotionally, then it can't again be fixed.

 

That's not what I meant sparrow. As I said in my post, some couples reconciled and are still together. The ones that aren't with their exes....don't want to be.

 

The point of my post was that NC, when used to for it's correct purpose (to heal, not to affect your ex) allows you to get perspective on the relationship and look at it for what it really was.

[auburnslp]

OK Dan, it's me-Michael. I have been away for a couple weeks-had to go, had to just go and try to clear my head at the beach. Worked to an extent,...and then I came back,...but first-you started this thread, so I believe it should remain focused on you...

You and I, despite our differences in appraoach, attitude, whatever, are in very similar situations. I will give you my take on yours...and then I will tell you mine in hopes that you will reciprocate.

I have slammed you before, I have been very upfront with how I felt that you are not being realistic, are not being fair to others, etc. After the time away, I feel like I am back to myself again, at least a bit, and am done being critical. The way I see things now is that all of our situations are unique, as are all of our personalities, and how we handle things may seem ridiculous to others, but that doesn't mean in any way it is wrong for us.

I actually believe you did the right thing. You do still love your ex and retain hope. You did no contact for some time to give the time and space both you and your ex needed to figure things out about yourselves and the relationship. So far, so good. You still love her and want another chance. Why not give it one last try? I see no problem there, as long as that one last try does not become a lifetime of one last try's, if they are always turned down-that would be a crime, and very sad. But for now, I think you did the right thing? Why not? What can it hurt? Maybe it will work, maybe not-but at least you fought for something you want and will always be able to know you did-as I said, as long as it doesn't become a lifetime thing, then there is no crime or foul.

You went to see her, you were casual-all good. She cried, she still loves you and misses you to an extent. You have since held back-not playing games, just trying to get your emotions in control so you can call and say the right things, the things you want and need to say-still all good. This is your shot brother-you found a week ago that there is hope-now might be the time to show a little yourself. To open up a bit without appearing desperate, but let her know how you feel. To not beg, but to tell her what is in your heart, the changes you have made, what you can offer now, and then just sit back and see what she says and does. And if you truly mean all the things you say to her, and are confident in the truth inherent, then you are not playing any games, there is no ploy involved, no strategizing, as long as it comes from the heart. If she accepts it and gives you a chance and you do all those things long term, then your dream might very well come true. If she says no, it's too late-then at this point I would say it might be too late, and it might be time to move on. If she says ok, and you two get back and it fails again for the same reasons or slightly different ones, then again I would say to hang it up then. I wish you the best brother-I really do-this seems to be the chance you were hoping for-play it safe, play it strong, but also lay it out on the line for her. I believe that is what she is looking for after reading your descriptions of the events lately...

I mentioned the similarities of our situations-I will try to be brief to let you know the truth in that. As I said, I spent a lot of time at the beach, getting my head together. I would go sit out at the end of the walkway late at night and watch lovers walk hand in hand in the dark, missing my girl, would see them stop and embrace, just a shodow in the distance, and I was very sad. But I realized that this was now just my life, and that one day, I would have that gain, with my ex or someone else. You know my story, but I am sure most people who might read this don't understand my situation, and that is ok-again, this is your thread, not mine-but I am trying to share the fact that we are in similar spots right now, so maybe you can let me know what you think-feel free to PM me if you want. Anyway, I did some healing-don't think I cried once up there, and came home. Got back in touch with the ex-emailed her, trying my best to stick with as much possible no contact as I could, and asked if her son could come over for a sleepover because my son had asked. She emailed back and gave me her phone number, in case I had forgotten it-in other words-"call me and we'll talk about it". Honestly I didn't want to call. I had healed some with time and distance and was hoping to continue. I had my son call-they weren't there. I waited, wrote her again giving her details of how it could work out, what we would be doing and when she could drop her son off, etc. Didn't hear back. So finally I bit the bullet and called. We talked, and it got very personal somehow-not really sure how, maybe when she told me her and her ex husband were going on a vacation together with the kids to Cancun in a couple weeks. I guess I said something like well that sounds like a nice first step for you two, she replied that there were ground rules in effect, apparently laid by him, about the fact that this isn't a reconciliation yet, just time together again as a family. Whatever. Anyway, I asked some questions, because our split was so abrupt, I never had any real closure-so many unanswered questions-I asked if it was easy for her to let me go, she said no she thinks of me all the time but wants to follow God's plan for her and her family. Anyway, she drops her son off and I invite her to go get her daughter and have dinner with us. I have asked her that before, just to relive those happy, safe times, all of us together, and she has always said no-I know she has said no because she didn't want that to get back to her ex and damage what she is trying to achieve there. She said maybe, but then called and said her brother was coming and she couldn't come, I said, ok I understand, but dinner will take a while and if he leaves, she is welcome. I was sure she wouldn't come, but then a knock on the door...

We eat, laugh, have a few drinks. We end up out back on my deck. Buzzed. She tells me that God has so much in store for me and will make me happy...He will bring a young girl to me-an old point of contention, she is older than me-I walked to her and took her hands and said to her as I have so many times before that she is the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on, that I love her, always will and miss her, and we kissed, long. Talked a lot more, and in the first time since we have broken she told me that she loves me still, and that I was the best she has ever had-the love and passion and sex-all of it-funny, but even when we were together she had never told me that. We kissed again. We expressed our hearts, but at the same time she was clear that what she is doing is her duty to God, and to her family. I told her at midnight it was time for her to go as her daughter runs cross country and needed to get some sleep. I wrote her a long email from my heart that I will share with you in a PM, if you want to let me know if I wrote the right or wrong things, I wrote that after she left. The next morning she comes to get her son and we go out back again for some coffee-she thanks me for last night, and for the email. She had also asked the night before about my love life, and was clearly not happy that I seemed to be moving on. And seeing some others. But anyway, she said she couldn't reply to an email like that-personally I think she doesn't want any written proof of her feelings-no evidence to use against her, even though I would never do that and she knows it-and the final say was she told me that the best way we can show each other that we love each other now is to let each other go, so we can be obedient to God and we can go to heaven. Remember, in her mind she believes she is still married to her ex in God's eyes, because of what the Bible says on this issue...so we were always in an adulterous relationship as a result. So that was that. I learned, finally, as you did last week, that she still loves me-and misses me. And it is tough. I didn't hear from her again until yesterday-all that happened on Wed. She knew I had a dte, and she called at about 4-asking me if I had returned a movie she left for me on Wed. I said yes I had-actually I had already emailed her and told her I was going to return it Thurs. night. I asked her if she didn't get that email? She said she had but was just making sure. She told me she had been to a wedding that day and it was hard to watch, hard to watch those oaths being made, because she had broken hers. I told her I had been to a wedding since our split and it was hard to watch because I knew that it would never be she and I up there. I had asked her to marry me by the way-about 5 months ago-she said no-should have been my first clue, huh? Anyway, that was that-but saw her at Church today, she called me over to sit with her and her kids. Very nice, and after she told me to come by and get another movie she had rented, so I could watch that with my boys tonight. So I went to her house and had a beer together, and she told me of how busy she was, and will be, of course again adding in the family vacation that is upcoming, but it was a nice visit and nothing at all personal, just a couple friends chatting. And I left, and I am sure I won't hear from her again for some time. I am willing and able to let her go, but I guess she and I both are struggling to do the right thing and just do that, let each other go. She is committed to doing so, and will-no doubt-hence that vacation together with her ex...and I really want to do the right thing and let her go, even though I know long term I would make her happier than her ex-I am respecting her decision. But it remains hard, and it still sucks out loud...

Sorry to have written so much about my situation...I was just trying to show you that there are new events here, after 3 months, that are confusing to me as well-just wanted to show you that you are not alone in a confusing new development. But Dan-I wish you the best, I truly do. Don't worry about those chats she is on-if you show your heart to her and mean it and you guys get back, don't even mention that to her-she will stop that on her own-you can't let her know that you even know she is doing that, or you will reveal to her that you have been checking up on her, and she will not like that at all. Play it safe, play it smart, play it strong, but also open up. And mean it. And do it. Again, feel free to PM me-as I have said, you and I aprroach these postings differently and I am done being critical of your methods. You are you, I am me-and neither of us is right or wrong. We are just us. Good luck brother...Michael

[danimal77]

Hi friends,

 

Progress is slow and done in baby steps and I've learned this my friends. Be thruthful and honest and be respectful and give your partner the space her or she requires.

 

It is day 53 for me now. There has been contact a few times now and we are clearing the air, over the phone. A lot of hurt, pain and confusion is on the table. We have both moved on in many respects, but that hope still does linger on.

 

I will keep you all posted as to the process of my hard and earnest efforrts of the last 2 months or so.

 

Am I a changed man? Perhaps.

 

Thank you friends,

 

Dan

[rich_1517]

Hey Dan

I hope you are well. only you know if you have the strength to stick it out. i am in mexico with my girl and her son now for two weeks. now i can see from hindsight that i should have gotten into therapy early in the break up process, my own fears are the only thing left in the way.

 

she loves me and knows she wont find a me anywhere else, thats wonderful and she is all i want (cough cough). its strange, the second time around, we have not said "ok" yet. for us ok means marriage, there is no other direction for a relationship this far along.

 

but for you its time to ask if there is something to be gotten in the long run. to get what you want you have to let go completely any expectation you may have and live only in the moment, and let me tell you it hurts. it means saying its over for now, that my feelings dont matter for now. i am support and unconditional love without judgement or excessive demands. everyones tactics are different, but in the end the only real thing that works is acceptance of them as they are and seeing that we are strong enough to be without them and still there. ouch...

 

it does work. but what will you do if you get her back? we have to become that ideal self with almost no mistakes allowed for a very long time. for me its worth it but the cost has been large, my memories of of the "dating"months are soooo painful in how i was and saw myself. we help no one in that obsessive stage.

 

so heres my question to you. can you be your ideal self and still hold the thought of her? can you respect yourself, see your future and yourself whole and still consider her in your life as she is? if yes then charge on and never let the end goal slip from sight. screw what people tell you, my family went from condeming her to supporting our trip. either way take care of yourself.

 

dont just read love tactics, also read "getting back together" and "fall in love stay in love" but dont read them when hope is low, its very painful. but very useful when reconicilliation is coming.

 

good luck