After ten years, he comes back

[Lady Rashomon]

Like I said, people change. 10 years afterward, a person is bound to be quite different. He may have messed up in the past, but right now he might actually sincerely wants another chance and make it work for real. And besides... You don't HAVE to jump into a serious relationship with this guy immediately after the divorce; People from divorces always take their sweet time with new people and go out on fun, casual dates for a while, you know? Rebounds are a bad idea, and especially after a divorce from a long marriage, that's a big no-no.

 

Casually date him for a while, and see if he is who he really is, and if you want to have another chance. If you don't want it, back out. And if you do, then you're back in a relationship with him. Simple.

 

I think that no matter what happens, he's going to be in my life in some way or form. I have hope that we can be friends. And if in a few years we are both single and find that we want to resuscitate something with each other, then the gods might smile upon us.

 

Timing is terrible now. I have no interest in being caught up with my ex, as my loyalties are to myself and my husband. I have to figure out, first and foremost, what I am doing with my marriage. And I suspect that if I do divorce, I will want to stand on my own for a long while.

 

This is why I don't want to give the ex false hope, like "maybe in a few years it might work out if we're both single." If we are to have some kind of friendship, I don't want that to be looming over us as some kind of expectation.

[vertigoxo]

I see, I see... I guess you'll have to tell him this exact thing to him. Best of luck!

[ForumGuy]

why do people make such crazy about-faces?

G.W.G.S. (grass wasn't greener syndrome)

[Lady Rashomon]

G.W.G.S. (grass wasn't greener syndrome)

 

Possibly. I think it's more that there were certain things he had to work out for himself (career-wise and just coming to terms with his past and specific psychological issues) that precluded being in a relationship. He's done, seen, and accomplished a lot over the past ten years, so I know his priorities were elsewhere. I totally get that. But I guess that if I were in the same position, I'd probably want to find someone new rather than revisit ghosts from the past. I'm a nostalgic person but I like to base my current needs on who I am in the present.

 

Also keep in mind that our relationship, while intense, was only four months long. There's a lot that we didn't get to find out about each other. I also realized, over the years, that certain qualities are makers or breakers for me. I need to be with someone who is easygoing, doesn't take everything so seriously, has a sense of humor, and moves through his life with confidence and ease (ex has none of those qualities). Workaholism and tunnel vision are total turnoffs to me, and from everything I know of him, these would probably be major issues if we were to develop a relationship.

[Lady Rashomon]

So I sent him an e-mail last Thursday expressing my feelings and the fact that I'm not ready to enter into any kind of relationship and nor am I sure I'll be able to entertain romantic feelings for him, regardless. Of course, I haven't heard back from him yet--could be due to a combination of factors. Kind of disappointing since he'd said that no matter what happens, he wants to be in my life and wants to have an honest, communicative friendship. Ah well...

[alfalfa]

Did he ever get back to you?