After ten years, he comes back

[Lady Rashomon]

I got an e-mail from my ex a few days ago. Apparently he's moving to the same city I live in and he wanted me to know (because he felt he had nothing to lose and thought I was separated from my husband) that he's still in love with me and his feelings have only deepened over the years. So now he'd like to have a relationship and believes we could be happy together.

 

We've seen each other briefly and have kept in contact over the years, but I got over him and relegated our time together to the sweet vagaries of young love.

 

We were together ten years ago and he broke my heart--made it very clear that he didn't think we were right for each other. I'm befuddled as to where any of this is coming from, especially since he doesn't really have a clue as to who I am today. Why do people make such crazy about-faces?

[ut804]

well thats his loss, why didn't he come back sooner? I guess all this time he couldn't find anyone else or realized that any new girls he dated weren't as good as you.

[Lady Rashomon]

Ha, my thoughts exactly. I know he's been in a couple relationships and has had a few flings over the years, but now that he's 36, I think he's realized that he's lonely and wants to settle down. His career was his major priority for a number of years, which I totally understand, but I'm just peeved at the attitude of "Hey, now I'M ready to be in a relationship, so how about it?"

 

His reasoning is that neither of us were "ready" for each other ten years ago, which may or may not be true, but I am not the kind of person who casts backward glances, and I don't understand the mentality of pining over something you had years ago.

[oceanblue535]

wow that's INSANE lol

[vertigoxo]

How long were you two together? Did he dumped you? Did he hurt you a lot after the break up?

[alfalfa]

would you give it a second shot?

[sunday2010]

my god thats nuts

[Sweetkisses22]

Damn this sounds like "the notebook" kind of . Why don't you give him a second chance? Im sure it took a lot of him to contact you after all these years.

[BeDour]

...and thought I was separated from my husband)

 

Wait...are you separated from your husband??

[intolerable]

OMG. This is... WOW!

[Carus]

my god thats nuts

Haha...Yeh, to quote my little darlin' Sunday* ~ That IS nuts!

 

Without raising false hopes in people (me included coz this doesn't always happen, it just shows that they never really forget you....*

 

We often hear of ex's getting back in contact 6 months or 1-2-5 years down the track, but 10 years..?? Oh man...!

 

Why do they do this? Well you answered your own question. Because things haven't gone so well for him over the years....

 

But also because you probably are a special girl and his little brain has finally realised this...

 

But I ask the same question as BeDour* ~ Are you seperated from your husband?

 

If not, and you are happy where you are, then too bad huh?

 

If you are, or are not happy then you have some desicions to make...But please please be careful....Dont let him come back in too easily otherwise he will take it for granted and may just hurt you or run off again...

 

At least you can make these desicions now more logically without the swirl of emotions involved...*

 

Thanks for sharing though...This one definitely goes in the annuls...!

 

Regards

K2*

[Lady Rashomon]

It is pretty crazy, and it's something that I never in a million years would have expected from this guy.

 

Honestly, he will always have a special place in my heart. He wasn't my first love, but it took me years to get over him, which is why I'm so reluctant to let him back in, in the first place. That breakup was absolutely devastating for me--one of the greatest hurts I've ever experienced.

 

Of course I have feelings for him--I will always care for him and love him. We spent some time together in January and I could tell that the electricity was still there, but do I really want to go back to him?

 

There are a few complications in my life, of course. I'm not separated from my husband--we're still trying to work things out in our relationship. Bad news is that I still feel pretty unhappy with the marriage, even though I'm doing my best to stick through things (he and I have been together for nine years). So the timing is beyond awful for the ex to return (convenient for him, however).

 

More than anything, I don't want to hop out of one bad relationship and into something that may not be more than a fantasy.

[Lady Rashomon]

How long were you two together? Did he dumped you? Did he hurt you a lot after the break up?

 

Very briefly, actually, but it was extremely intense. About four months. He dumped me (I was 20, he was 25). We hooked up a couple times after the breakup, and in general, he was quite cold to me. When he moved away for good, he didn't even tell me--I heard it from a mutual friend. We eventually became cordial with each other over the years (because I thought I could finally relegate it to the past) but never became close friends.

[BeDour]

This is a dangerous time for you. You're marriage is rocky, and a new interest has just dropped into your life. That's always an unfortunate combination for the other person (your husband in this case). I honestly don't have an answer for you as to what you should do. I don't know your situation, or the people in it, well enough to make a fair decision. What I can tell you is to be very careful though.

 

Really take a hard look at your marriage. If there's anything at all worth salvaging or trying to repair, you should try. It wouldn't be very fair to your husband if someone from ten years ago could just fly in out of the blue and pull you away. On the other hand; if you really do feel like you're unhappy and want out (and you want this for you, not because of your old boyfriend coming into the picture), then you need to talk to your husband about this. It'll probably be rough on both of you, so if this is the path you choose, I wouldn't rush right into something with your ex.

 

This is a tough one. I wish you luck.

[Lady Rashomon]

Yes, I completely agree with you. Just to be clear, the ex knows where I'm at right now with the husband, and he said that although he does not want to rush into a relationship, he wanted to reveal his feelings to me because he felt that he needed to get them out there. I just worry that us seeing each other in any way will put me in a vulnerable position, however, so I'm not even sure we can be friends. If I were to give it an honest go with the ex, I need to be in a place that's solid--where we are building something from the ground up that is not based on the past or the desire to escape.

 

Also, I am not foolish enough to believe that just because I care about the ex, four months can possibly compare to nine years. My husband knows me much better than the ex--we've been through thick and thin together. I am not putting these two side by side and saying that one is better than the other.

[vertigoxo]

Very briefly, actually, but it was extremely intense. About four months. He dumped me (I was 20, he was 25). We hooked up a couple times after the breakup, and in general, he was quite cold to me. When he moved away for good, he didn't even tell me--I heard it from a mutual friend. We eventually became cordial with each other over the years (because I thought I could finally relegate it to the past) but never became close friends.

 

Wow. 4 months, and then 10 years later he comes back... I have a renewed sense of viewing life as positive now.

 

On a more serious note, I agree with everyone else. You have a divorce to go through. You best finish that up first before you can even begin to think about having a casual date with the 4-month ex. It'll be less messier, you know?

 

If you can, I'd advise you to tell your 4-month ex that although you are interested (I'm assuming you are.) that to give you some more time to finish the divorce first. Even if you don't love your 9-year husband anymore, he might be royally pee'd off if he found out you're going on dates with the other guy and might sue you for infidelity. You are still technically married legally, don't forget!

 

Hopefully, your ex can understand and give you some more time to at least legally break off the marriage 100%.

[Lady Rashomon]

Well, the primary issue is that regardless of whether or not I am with my husband, I'm really not sure I'd want to give this other man a second chance. I don't really believe in revisiting the past--no matter how strong my feelings are for him, I believe the relationship ended for a reason. I am not the kind of person who waits around for other people to change their mind, and frankly, I am insulted that it took him this long to come to his senses. I realize that if we started over, it would be something based in the present rather than the past, but my memories of the fallout were so foul that I'd be afraid of going anywhere near that again.

[sunday2010]

Well, the primary issue is that regardless of whether or not I am with my husband, I'm really not sure I'd want to give this other man a second chance. I don't really believe in revisiting the past--no matter how strong my feelings are for him, I believe the relationship ended for a reason. I am not the kind of person who waits around for other people to change their mind, and frankly, I am insulted that it took him this long to come to his senses. I realize that if we started over, it would be something based in the present rather than the past, but my memories of the fallout were so foul that I'd be afraid of going anywhere near that again.

 

wow I don't blame you if it was that bad you would really need to think about it very deeply..you don't want more trouble...My B/U was foul too and geez the hurt is enormous..

[brokenheart311]

I don't know this guy, but really he doesn't sound like somebody you can ever trust. He sounds like a slimebag to me, the way he left town without even saying anything. Now he just had to tell you how he feels, seeing that your current relationship is on thin ice. Sounds an awful like a player to me. I'm sure he's real smooth and has his routine down on how to create that "electricity" with the ladies.

 

A player comes back to town with no current prospects on his radar. Finds out that you may become single soon and tells you all of the great nostalgic memories. Boom he's got his current booty call while scoping out his new surroundings for his next conquest.

 

Sorry, but this is just the guy that pops into my mind as a read your thread.

[vertigoxo]

Well, the primary issue is that regardless of whether or not I am with my husband, I'm really not sure I'd want to give this other man a second chance. I don't really believe in revisiting the past--no matter how strong my feelings are for him, I believe the relationship ended for a reason. I am not the kind of person who waits around for other people to change their mind, and frankly, I am insulted that it took him this long to come to his senses. I realize that if we started over, it would be something based in the present rather than the past, but my memories of the fallout were so foul that I'd be afraid of going anywhere near that again.

 

I understand. Maybe you need to tell him this and see what he has to say. His reaction would be the best indication whether he cares about you for real, or not.

 

I don't know this guy, but really he doesn't sound like somebody you can ever trust. He sounds like a slimebag to me, the way he left town without even saying anything. Now he just had to tell you how he feels, seeing that your current relationship is on thin ice. Sounds an awful like a player to me. I'm sure he's real smooth and has his routine down on how to create that "electricity" with the ladies.

 

A player comes back to town with no current prospects on his radar. Finds out that you may become single soon and tells you all of the great nostalgic memories. Boom he's got his current booty call while scoping out his new surroundings for his next conquest.

 

Sorry, but this is just the guy that pops into my mind as a read your thread.

 

I wouldn't be too quick to judge. 10 years is quite a long time, and people change over time. He may have been a slime bag before, but now, perhaps he took a good hard look at himself and regret dumping the OP. Perhaps now, he sees the OP as "the one that got away"... The good girl who he should have been proud and happy to have had, but didn't see it till now.

[SmilingKatty]

If you can, I'd advise you to tell your 4-month ex that although you are interested (I'm assuming you are.) that to give you some more time to finish the divorce first. Even if you don't love your 9-year husband anymore, he might be royally pee'd off if he found out you're going on dates with the other guy and might sue you for infidelity. You are still technically married legally, don't forget!

 

Hopefully, your ex can understand and give you some more time to at least legally break off the marriage 100%.

 

maybe this way you could find out, how serious he is in all this... If he doesn´t want to wait - you have the answer...

And it also gives you time to decide... You don´t have to hurry with the decision, do you?

[Lady Rashomon]

I don't know this guy, but really he doesn't sound like somebody you can ever trust. He sounds like a slimebag to me, the way he left town without even saying anything. Now he just had to tell you how he feels, seeing that your current relationship is on thin ice. Sounds an awful like a player to me. I'm sure he's real smooth and has his routine down on how to create that "electricity" with the ladies.

 

A player comes back to town with no current prospects on his radar. Finds out that you may become single soon and tells you all of the great nostalgic memories. Boom he's got his current booty call while scoping out his new surroundings for his next conquest.

 

Sorry, but this is just the guy that pops into my mind as a read your thread.

 

I get where this is coming from but if you knew the guy, honestly--he's the exact opposite of a slimebag. He was immature and not very communicative when we were first together, which is why I suppose he left without saying goodbye, but he's not a player and not in the least bit smooth. (Kind of sweet and bumbling and awkward is more like it.) He has dated over the years but no real relationships because he was trying to sort out a lot of issues, according to him.

 

He mentioned that he had felt this way for years but knew a relationship wasn't possible because I was already taken, so he'd tried to just think of me as a friend.

 

And for the record, I don't think he sees me as a booty call at all! He and I never even had sex when we were first together; I was a virgin and he mentioned that although he was crazy attracted to me, he didn't want to take advantage of my feelings for him. He's always been a perfect gentleman and I know he doesn't see women as mere conquests.

[Lady Rashomon]

maybe this way you could find out, how serious he is in all this... If he doesn´t want to wait - you have the answer...

And it also gives you time to decide... You don´t have to hurry with the decision, do you?

 

Good point. I don't feel like he's pressuring me to make a decision. The ex has said that more than anything, he just wants to be in my life, whether that's as friends or as something more, and he understands that rushing into a relationship wouldn't be the right thing to do.

 

At the same time, I don't want to give him false hope or string him along. I will always have feelings for him, but should I ever act on those? Being in a gray area makes me uncomfortable. Seeing as I'm ambivalent about this man given all the past baggage and heartache, I'd like to be able to make a decision and stick to it rather than be in limbo.

[brokenheart311]

Like I said I didn't know the guy. Reading this puts him in a better light since you are now actually speaking of his character. Just tell him that for now, while you try and sort out your marriage, that at most you can only view him as an old friend. If your marriage doesn't work out and he is still around then maybe it's meant to be. Just don't let the prospect cloud what is already a murky area with your husband.

[vertigoxo]

At the same time, I don't want to give him false hope or string him along. I will always have feelings for him, but should I ever act on those? Being in a gray area makes me uncomfortable. Seeing as I'm ambivalent about this man given all the past baggage and heartache, I'd like to be able to make a decision and stick to it rather than be in limbo.

 

Like I said, people change. 10 years afterward, a person is bound to be quite different. He may have messed up in the past, but right now he might actually sincerely wants another chance and make it work for real. And besides... You don't HAVE to jump into a serious relationship with this guy immediately after the divorce; People from divorces always take their sweet time with new people and go out on fun, casual dates for a while, you know? Rebounds are a bad idea, and especially after a divorce from a long marriage, that's a big no-no.

 

Casually date him for a while, and see if he is who he really is, and if you want to have another chance. If you don't want it, back out. And if you do, then you're back in a relationship with him. Simple.