How can she do this?

[curbie]

I would provide links for all of my posts I have on this forum, but there's too many to mention. What it boils down to is this: You date someone for 3 1/2 years and then there was a breakup in 2003 for 3 months. Then in December of 2003, we got back together. I was going to ask her to marry me. I got cold feet for 3 months. Then came April 30th, 2004. Breakup day again. She is now going to date someone and has went clear down to Mississippi and back (we are from Ohio) to see her new "boyfriend". They slept together after her just meeting him for only 1 week ago. Even then, they watched a movie and just chatted. I think she lied to me about it all, but how can she do all of that? How can she just pick up and leave me behind like I am yesterday's garbage and go "mess" around with some other guy? It really makes me jealous, upset and sure as heck hurts like you would not believe. I hate her for it, so I sent her a very nasty email - I figured I might as well do the same thing to her, that she is doing to me. She won't come back to me again anyways.

 

Even on the side I was trying to talk to some girl. Not date...just talk and I couldn't do it. It was too hard for me. I don't know how my ex can just pick up and go from me to another guy like that. It makes me feel like I should commit suicide or something stupid like that. I don't think anyone would care if I weren't around anymore sometimes. I'm just rambling now...

[reborn]

Hi Curbie,

Calm down. Breathe deeply. It must be very upsetting to be in your situation, and though it is easier said than done, maybe you have to try to just accept the situation, stop from being reactive and let go.

Im not telling you to forget her, or not to be bothered or feel hurt or jealous, but you said she will not come back to you anyway, so why should you put yourself through this misery. It sucks, but hey, but we have to be mature enough to accept that sometimes things don´t work out. Try to let go to the best of your ability. Stop letting your mind control stuff, just concentrate on breathing what you feel in your body. Just breath deeply, until you feel more calm and can continue your day. Believe it or not, simple as that sounds it works. Do not let your thoughts overide, or you will go crazy. Be the master of your thoughts, not your slave. No human being can possibly handle all the preassure you yourself is putting you through without going nuts.

As for your exgirl going with this new guy, i don´t think it has anything to do with you. He is not a replacement of you, nor has she forgotten what you meant, however she has started a new chapter it seems. If you are not together with a person anymore that is bound to happen at some point. Right now you are not ready to deal with it. Her new dating is a hard concept to swalow, but you must really not take it personally. You are not able to control what she feels or not. Try not to think about it and try to go with your life.

Besides, you left her curbie. You got cold feet. Men don´t realize that when they do that they close a door on themselves in the heart of the girl they are doing that too. Im not blaming you, but if you got cold feet, something there about that girl didn´t quite convince you, or perhaps you were not and are still not ready. Don´t be selfish, let her do her life and do yours also. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But above all, calm down and try to accept the situation. Thinking of taking your life is a reaction most of us have when we feel very hurt and out of control, but you are better and stronger than that. And don´t force your self to go out with other girls, it is not a competion with your ex, it is something you must do at your own time.

Reborn

[reborn]

Sorry Curbie, me again.

Just read over some of your old posts and realized it was her who broke up with you. I am in a similar situaion, and all I can say about the question you seem to ask repeadly about what the heck you are supposed to learn from this relationship is: to love your self, to learn that relationships don´t necessarily last forever, that people come and go into our lifes, sometimes they leave, sometimes they die, sometimes they move away, thereforeeee the only person you will be really with for sure and who won´t leave u your whole life is you.

I think your lesson might be, in the lesson im realizing i need to learn is that we don´t need and should not rely on another outside ourselfs to be our source of happiness and self worth. Think if the way this person treats you is really fair or right to you? It doesnt make them a bad person, whoever it may be bad for you. It is like aspiring or something, it is good but maybe you have developed an alergy to it, and if you drink it can be harmful for you. What do you do in that case? Think of your soul and your heart in the same way as you would think of your body in this case and your relationship with your ex as the aspiring.

sometimes you too can choose to let go of something that is not right for whatever reasons, and that in letting go of that person you are not fighting against your self, but loving your self.

That is the lesson,not to obsess, and to try to stop controling someone outside of you. Love your self.

[raider38]

Hello Curbie,

 

 

I'm sorry about the pain that you're feeling right now, we've all gone through it one time or another. From reading your post i see that you two were broken up for 3mo. before the last breakup, if you don't mind me asking what was the reason of the breakups? I think you need to try no contact for awhile, so you wont have to here about the other guy if there is one or not. Also, you need time to yourself to get your thoughts and emotions under control.

 

While you're taking time for yourself, it also gives her time to miss you and wonder why you have'nt contacted her. I know it's easy for me to say try no contact when you're feeling the way you are, but trust me each day you try and succeed at not contacting her you feel inner strenght and pride, because no one is more important than yourself.

[curbie]

reborn> Thanks for your advice and input. I will take it to heart and try to apply it to my life.

 

raider38> We broke up last year b/c I upset her. I didn't get my way and we got into an argument and she had just had enough of the arguing - so she left me. I changed all of that in those 3 months of being separate from her and then in December of 2003, she came back. I thought things were ok, and so did she. She told me that in January of 2004 everything was good. Then came February through April. She had hung on for those 3 months to try and bring her feelings back. I don't know how or why...but she says she lost feelings for me. She'll always love me she says, but she isn't IN love with me. I just can't understand why she's moving on so fast. It is so easy for her, but yet so hard for me. I just don't get it.

 

I get angry at myself and then her b/c she's moving on so fast and I just want to lash out on her and burn the bridge, but I know that if I do that, I won't be able to forgive myself. I'd still like to be able to talk to her. I am working out at a local gym and tanning, so I'm trying to keep busy. But it's so hard doing that. All I do, is work, sleep, go to gym work, sleep, work...etc...just a boring life. I find myself thinking of things all of the time and reborn is right. I'd better quit before I go insane.

[street]

i know what ur going through, im in the same situation..split after 4 years, seven months apart and then back together for 5 months..split again, with the i love u but sometimes only see u as a friend..

 

well that was 3 weeks ago,,,for all i know she could be with someone else..it seems women move on quicker! its soo hard to do this all again!!

[Belle]

street,

rule #1. stop listening to coldplay. That codependent whiny love crap just makes you want someone back who probably doesn't deserve you anyway.

 

a coldplay fan,

 

belle

[spun25]

curbie,

 

i'm also going through a somewhat similar situation. we weren't together as long as you and your ex were, but still, love is love right? she also left me stating that she had just lost feelings for me, and went into the arms on another guy just 2 weeks after the breakup. now he's her BF. basically, you need to realize that life does go on. the best thing for you right now are friends, family and this forum. take time to realize how you can better yourself. and working out and tanning, etc.. is really good for you. i'll tell you how i'm getting over my ex. by realizing that i feel so bad right now, there is nowhere to go, but up. you see, you'll feel better. right now you feel as if you want to die, i know, we've all been there. and that has to be the worst feeling in the world. what could be worse that that? nothing. so there's nowhere else for you to go but up. you'll feel a lot better since you know that things can't get any worse. i wish that we could take things back in our past, but we can't. the things you did and the things she did happened for a reason, it's hard to see it now, but that's the beauty of hindsight. you'll understand in about 1 year from now. as far as listening to Coldplay, i suggest something that your ex didn't listen to. women love Coldplay, Belle knows that. i would suggest something that's not all about relationships and heartbreak. you won't feel better after listening to 'shiver' or anything; although it is a great song. i would suggest maybe some Tool, they don't write anything about love or relationships. and they're probably the only band that does that. well, i hope i've helped a little. keep us informed man. let us know what's going on. and keep your head up.

 

-spun25

[spun25]

oh sorry about that. Curbie, you weren't the one listening to Coldplay, Street was.

 

so whatever i wrote about listening to Coldplay after a breakup, goes to Street.

 

sorry about that. i'm just an idiot.

 

-Spun25

[saltwatergirl]

YOu would be surprised what people are capable of doing. I was with someone for 3.5years. All was great. He left here and said "I will call you tonite". I never heard from him again. After 3 Years!!!! No returning my calls, pages, or emails, my best friend called him and he wont even return her call. All this after begging me to "give him another chance" and "trust him" (after I stumbled upon evidence that he may be cheating on me). It boggles the mind. How can people have such little regard for the relationship and appear to care so little about someone they claimed to "love" just a few weeks ago. I have no answer to that question. And I'm glad that I don't. Because I would hate to ever come to understand something so cold.

 

But as of today, I blocked his number from my phones. I figure, if this person has such little regard for my feelings, I dont want him. I was worried sick that something happened to him. But no, nothing happened. If so I'd of heard from someone by now. In the end, he turned out to be nothing but a phoney, a liar, and a chicken ****. What can I say. His loss. And when he realizes it, let's hope he doesn't express that realization to me. Because hell will freeze over before I ever again waste my time with someone who isn't worth a minute of it.

 

"Do Not Cast Your Pearls Before Swine"

 

Salt

[cbfan]

Saltwatergirl!!!!

 

Read "Men who can't love" and do it NOW!!!

 

Someone like that has the classic symptoms of an extreme commitmentphobe.

[saltwatergirl]

Why would I want to read that? I don't have the time or desire to "learn" any more about him than what I already have. He has shown himself to me, hopefully he will find happiness elsewhere. That is what I intend to do.

 

I will add this though. It is extremely cruel, to not even TELL someone that you are leaving them. I mean, I sat here at least a week calling, thinking maybe he was seriously injured or hurt. Or some tragedy struck his family. WHy would someone want to do that to another person is beyond me. Have the balls to at least SAY you are leaving. Especially after 3 years. I mean, half his clothes are still here in my house. It's immaturity at its finest, and a clear demonstration of his inability to consider the feelings of ANY OTHER PERSON besides himself. I am better off without him.

 

Salt

[Mix Maxster]

It's not real, the thought that someone can do it so quickly isn't the reality. It either happened over a period of a long time or it isn't what is really going on. I mean some people are fortunate enough to have someone there for them and so they'll jump to that person because they don't want to be alone and they'll try to find in that new person what wasn't in the old person. Why do you think they ignore you like they do? I mean stop trying to say why I'm wrong and think about it everyone, wouldn't you do the same if you were in that position? If you were feeling like s*** for so long, wouldn't you want to STOP feeling like it? And if you can find that in someone else, wouldn't you try it? or get away from what was causing it? That is why they do it so quickly, it isn't because they're just trying to find love because dammit didn't we provide that? couldn't they have just asked? No because they didn't think it'd change or anything would be different. If they were feeling lost or lonely or depressed, wouldn't they try to find someone to help them out of it if they weren't helping themselves out of it?

 

If someone can be able to really give me a good explanation as to why they completely ignore us, they stop calling, they stop e-mailing and IMing us. Ok so it's done, but why go to those extreme lengths, would'nt they rather have the person understand the situation and believe them instead of having someone always on the side wanting a second chance or stalking them?

[curbie]

Mix Maxster> I read your post and it was something to think about for sure. My ex was IN love with me back in December of 2003 and in January of 2004. Then came February, March and finally April. For those 3 months, she fell out of love with me and tried hard to re kindle her own flame for me. It wasn't working. So, when you say "It's not real, the thought that someone can do it so quickly isn't the reality. It either happened over a period of a long time or it isn't what is really going on." Her feeling for me wasn't real. That's the only thing I can think of for now at least. As for your answer about when they completely ignore us....I have no clue, either. I'm in agreement with you.

 

spun25> apology accepted! I read that and was like..."ummm what are you talking about?" LOL

[curbie]

I forgot to add something - she just came over tonight and things got pretty ugly. Needless to say, she left crying and I am emotionally hurt, too - so we're probably not going to be talking ever again. I told her that I wished her luck with her new "boyfriend" that she is *ahem* $crewing around in bed with. It was a sarcastic sentence when I said it to her. All she can say is "I'm sorry." and to that I say this:

 

"You just remember all of the pain you put me through and that you're sorry for hurting me when you're sleeping with the next guy."

 

That was a harsh thing to say to her, but it's the truth. Guess what....the truth HURTS people! I just can't understand how she can move on like I am yesterday's garbage...obviously I meant nothing to her and still don't. But I really don't care now. I'm just going to keep working out and tanning and stuff. I plan on being single for a long time. Now I just need to move out of this boring town and find another place to live and meet new people. Which reminds me....how does one find a girl to talk to?? *LOL* I read some of these posts that say "I am talking to a new girl, bla bla bla" and I don't know HOW these guys are getting so many girls?!?! *LOL*

[Mix Maxster]

Maybe she wanted you to ask her to marry her man. Maybe she didn't, but I don't believe in people just loving whoever because then that means there's confusion about love because where do you draw the line? If love is so easily given to others or felt for another person, then what will get them from sticking with someone in the end. If they fall out of love there is a reason for it, it doesn't just come out of no where and they are NOT about to just tell it to you. They're not, no one is going to say it because the person has to want it and no one wants someone to do something just because they said to. I mean, would you want to tell someone what to do? chances are NO because you know they won't do something they tell you to. At least that's my experience with it, THAT and usually women test their men by seeing how much they know or understand them. They want you to figure it out on your own because that shows you realize you're doing something to push them away and it shows them that you understand them. It may be far fetched for most of you, but let me put it to you this way... would you rather have your ex surprise you with baked cookies? or you to be like "how come I always make you cookies but you don't???" or something like that. Wouldn't you rather want your S.O. to know what you're thinking or hoping for because then you know you wouldn't have to tell them. I'm just rambling, but really is that so hard to believe? Do you want to tell someone to clean their dishes? No because you shouldn't have to, they should do it. But don't get me wrong, don't take that as we should just know what to do, it's not always that obvious but they don't want to make it obvious.

[curbie]

Mix Maxster> What does S.O. stand for? See your sentence: "Wouldn't you rather want your S.O. to know what you're thinking or hoping for because then you know you wouldn't have to tell them."

 

Other than that, I once again understand your post. We talked in the past, (before this horrible night) and she told me that she wanted kids, a house of our own, bla bla bla....but it didnt turn out that way. Like I said before and I understand where you're coming from...but I'll say it again. (i'm beating a dead horse) I just don't understand how it all happened in the past and I don't understand why she's doing what she is now. I can HARDLY bring myself to talk to another girl. I have 1 friend at work who is a girl and then I have like one other friend here in my home town. That's it. I don't have much support...so I'm S.O.L!

[cassiana]

This is my reading of the situatio. You had an argument because you didn't get your way. You broke up. You reconciled. She was so in love with you that she wanted to marry you but you got cold feet and left her.

 

This is a terrible terrible thing to do. Did you ever stop to think how she felt that night. You implied that she was good enough to screw but not to marry. That you would use her as long as you felt like it but wouldn't marry her.

She probably felt the heart ripped out of her. She probably felt cheap and undesirable. She was probably very angry at your rejection from her. She needed to ease the pain. What is the point of working and being selctive if you end up on the scrapheap. Might as well grab the first guy I see, someone with no ties to me, so I can feel something again other than this pain.

Does she want you to feel jealous, yes, because despite what you did to her she really cares for you. Why are you still having arguments and why is she still crying and why is she goading you if she doesn't have feelings for you. But now she feels that you have no feelings for her and after two breakups she reckons she cannot trust you.

You caused alot of this yet you are vicious towards her. You are trying to blame her for trying to protect herself from the pain you caused. You don't seem willing to respect the lions share of the responsibility here. If you hadn't got cold feet she wouldn't be with this man.

You talk about being harsh to her but the truth is harsh etc etc. Maybe the harsh truth is that you are a bit self-centred? I'm not having a go at you , I just want you to realise that you will never get her back with stick, you have to get the carrots out.

I'm being harsh because you seem to care, but you're showing that to us but not to her. She probably thinks you hate her. Try to empathise with her. What have you told her about your feelings? I hope you haven't been putting her down.

[curbie]

cassiana>

 

You had an argument because you didn't get your way. You broke up. You reconciled. She was so in love with you that she wanted to marry you but you got cold feet and left her.

I did not leave her! She left me!!

 

Besides that, you have got the wrong idea cassiana. She's the one who left me. I was afraid to ask her to marry me, you have that much correct. She left me in April and I'm the one who's jealous because she can just leave a 3 1/2 year relationship and start having relations with other guys just after 2 months into the breakup. We got into an argument lastnight and it will probably be the last time ever that we will be speaking. Yes, I love her and concerned for her, but since the bridge is already burned there is nothing I can do. There is no room for forgiveness. Also, she's the one who is self centered. I just wanted another chance and to ask her why she can't try again w/ me but it's too late for that.

 

If I've confused you cassiana, I'm sorry - but please re-read the posts, b/c I'm not the one who dumped her....she dumped me and I'm the one who's hurting!