should i marry a narcisistic man?

[jaygirl]

hi everyone, i guess u would all remember me, the girl who broke up with her ex because he couldn't commit bla bla bla. Anyway, we are back together, even though he is still not committing, but my ex ex is back on my neck......with a ring.

 

I broke up with him because he was treating me awful, he had another girlfriend for a year of the two years i dated him, drove me away from his house several times when i came over because he was in a 'mood', forgot my birthdays, left me alone in his house to go talk on the phone with the other girl, even broke up with me for suspecting he was dating the girl (whom he was actually dating), and made me beg him and apologize for not trusting, would refuse to talk to me for a full week, ignore my calls, and later start talking without giving me any reason. Eventually, when i couldnt do it any more, and eventually found out he had another gf, i left him for my present bf now.

 

This all happened three years ago. the day i mentioned to him i had met someone new (because then he always used to tell me he really wants me to find someone else who is good enough for me) he told me he was happy for me! i cried all night. Anyway, for the past three years since i left him, he has been begging and apologizing, i refused to get back with him, and now, he even went further to say he wants to marry me.

 

Note:

i am 27 going on 28. (time not on my side)

 

He says he has changed and now appreciates me, that he didnt realise he loved me till i left.

 

I am dating my a guy who is very wonderful and treats me like a queen, except that he says he isnt sure i am the one for marriage after 2 and a half years.

 

I do not have any other suitors, in the horizon

 

 

I am considering marrying him because age is not on my side, and since he says he has changed, i think i might want to give him a chance. on the other hand. Do people change magically like that? also i keep thinking that for a man to beg for three years, maybe he is truly changed. i dont want to leave my wonderful relationship and enter this old one that hurt me so much, and not see a change.

 

please what do you think?

[snoopydog]

Stick with the guy who is wonderful and treats you like a queen.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Get rid of both guys. If you want marriage the current guy is not going to give that to you. If you want a HAPPY marriage, your ex who is "begging" for you back is NOT going to give you that. In other words, you may have your dream of being married and maybe have some kids with this ex ex...but I doubt very much that the lying, cheating, deceiving person he was back then is suddenly no more. The difference is that instead of you being deceived as the gf, you will be deceived as the wife.

[odile]

Wow, you're already 27?

(it would be SO easy it crack a joke about what an old hag you must be

 

Really, though, that means that you have less time in this life than you would were you younger.

Would you really want to give up on yourself now--

abandon any other wonderful and unknown thing that the future may hold--

just so that you can settle down and waste the rest of your life with some chump who doesn't treat you well?

 

Are you kidding???

[catfeeder]

If you marry this guy you're settling for being treated like dog poo for the duration. You might be willing to believe that it's the best you can do right now, but that won't be good enough for you by the time you're 30--only then you'll be wise enough to look back on this as the biggest mistake you ever made in your life. It will cost you thousands of dollars and fighting and headaches and custody battles to undo it.

 

If you want a husband and kids, give yourself at least until age 35 and get yourself AWAY from this guy long enough to build a new life for yourself with new people in it. If you keep falling back to this guy by default, how well do you think will he really treat someone who it was so simple to trick with a ring?

[waveseer]

You deserve both a man who is ready to commit AND a man who treats you well. Either wait for your current bf or leave him, but by no means should you give mr jerkface another chance, he is bad news! Imagine if you did marry him, the moment he had you nailed down he would treat you the same way he did before. You have no idea what he's been doing for the last three years, he could easily have been contacting you whenever he was bored just to see if you'd take the bait.

[Fudgie]

I don't care if you're freaking 99...never settle. You deserve someone who will treat you well and with respect. Don't stop looking until you find that.

[learning2relax]

It is hard to get away from a narcissist or someone with NPD. It would be even more difficult if not impossible if you were married. I spent 14 of 15 years trying and was finally successful. No marriage and it still took that long. The attention and care they give you is for them not you. Think long and hard before you make that kind of commitment.

[sidehop]

Please don't settle for less. Just because you don't marry in the next few years doesn't mean your life is doomed. Would you rather marry now and have a miserable marriage or have a fulfilling marriage whether it happens few years from now or even 10 years down the road?

 

After 2.5 years and he's not 'sure', he probably can't and will not commit. As for your ex, he's playing mind games, the biggest mistake you can make by marrying him.

[1guygirl]

happiness in life is not dependant on a ring on your finger

 

and never ever marry a N...never....and run for the hills....best thing i ever did with my ex N

[oceanblue535]

People don't change..

[Imprecision]

In some ways, marriage is both a gamble and an investment.

 

I would say that unless you have concrete evidence that the first guy has changed, then don't marry him.

 

As for the second guy, you got yourself into jam here, because you did not investigate his values and life goals (e.g. whether he wants to eventually marry) before you got together with him.

 

Sometimes, waiting works. Often, the guy never commits.

 

If you really want marriage, you should tell the second guy that you're running out of time. You should give him an ultimatum, e.g. He must make up his mind within half a year. Don't let him guilt you or talk you into retracting your ultimatum. Two and a half years is more than enough for get to know a person. If he does not make up his mind within half a year, then you should leave him and find someone else. Perhaps the first guy would still be around.

[IrishLover]

Don't both with the ex, unless the two of you had invested the last 3 years working, learning, & growing through his issues together. You are thinking of him as just as much a fall back guy as he is you. There is no magic cure for personality, except an illegal lobotomy.

 

If you really want marriage, you should tell the second guy that you're running out of time. You should give him an ultimatum, e.g. He must make up his mind within half a year. Don't let him guilt you or talk you into retracting your ultimatum. Two and a half years is more than enough for get to know a person. If he does not make up his mind within half a year, then you should leave him and find someone else.

 

I agree with putting a time frame on it (6 months is plenty of time), although I don't think it is an ultimatum to know your limits for being able to wait. If he can't sort out his feelings about the two of you in a future tense, then just start over.

 

I have a girlfriend that gives all her relationships exactly 3 years. If they can't move forward in that time, she just cuts her losses, tears, hopes and all. Then she runs a marathon and starts over.