Stay_home Posted August 11, 2010 Share Posted August 11, 2010 There is no quicker way to dead a relationship than to subtract sex from it as a form of punishment or method of control. So what that you're in school or that you're working late hours. It wasn't an issue in the beginning when you made time and space for things like that, suddenly you don't want to make anymore sacrifices. Those are some of the things I'd be raising hell about because it's not right to do a person like that. It's a rip off. It's a jip. I hate it when some women do that! They do it because they've got complacent and feel that they don't have to make 'space' anymore because you'll always be there. Even though that may be true after a lot of years and time on, that's still no reason to take advantage of your partner like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Telanth Posted August 11, 2010 Author Share Posted August 11, 2010 Even more excellent advice in your replies. I haven't been able to talk to her because I have been away for the past week. I'll be back soon, though. I did try to talk to her about it before I left, and she promised that she would talk about it with me when I got back. However, when it comes to stuff like this, she has this habit of saying "oh, I'm busy/don't feel like it/am distracted, but I promise we'll talk about it tomorrow" and then just repeats the same thing the next day, so I'm not too hopeful. Someone said that she's getting what she needs, but not giving me what I need. That sort of transaction would still leave me unhappy... I'd never want to be with someone who is only giving me sex to placate me, rather than out of lust/sexual desire toward me. I mean, that's basically like a prostitute. I definitely feel like I'm being jipped or played, as some have mentioned in the comments. This is kind of like a weird reverse version of having sex with a girl and then dumping her after you get what you want. I have had this strong feeling of being a total sucker / idiot for a while, now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbombSnowMan Posted August 12, 2010 Share Posted August 12, 2010 wow man you have to be the most patient guy in the world. Two years have gone by when your thinking about it every day? I can't believe you let her get off without talking to you about it just because she doesn't feel like it? Tell her she better feel like talking about it NOW because your relationship is at stake. If religion was really that important to her she wouldn't have done it with you those other 7 times, especially since you said she didn't even seem like she wanted to. When most people give in and go against religion its because of lust. Hows the other aspects of your relationship? It sounds more like you guys are just roomates if she isn't affectionate at all towards you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iakasot Posted August 14, 2010 Share Posted August 14, 2010 There's something I noticed. She said something like "You're gonna dump me aren't you?". I've seen this before, both in my previous relationships, and friends' relationships. It ends with the girl who said it dumping you, and it happens around the time she starts losing attraction for the guy. I think it's just a mechanism to cover up for their loss of feelings, because for my personal situation, and for yours, and for my friends', the thoughts dump them haven't even crossed our minds, because we were so in love with them. I just thought it was interesting, because it's so predictable what ALWAYS happens after they say it. Yeah, move on, bro, and show her this topic, fight the power! =D (allusion to withholding sex as a form of control) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fastball2113 Posted August 15, 2010 Share Posted August 15, 2010 having sex seven times in two years?!? that's insane man. there is no way i would be able to live with a woman (other then my mother or some sort of relative) and not be having sex with her. you need to either straight up ask her what the deal is and fix it, or find a new place and go get some rebound action Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Telanth Posted August 21, 2010 Author Share Posted August 21, 2010 Blargh, I know. Living with a sexy girl and having sex seven times in two years... it's like living with a tasty cake while you're starving. I mean, if you could live with a cake... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cagedfeelings Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 First of all, I would like to say that it's amazing you even put up with having sex only seven times! That would drive me nuts! Do you think she will really change once you're married? In fact, I used to think that things will change with one of my ex's if we got married and some of our problems will go away, but I left him before we ever got to that point of being married because I knew he wouldn't change. It seems a little odd that she would mention this now, of it being against her religion. If it was, wouldn't she have mentioned it BEFORE you had sex?! Yes, your partner has the right to not do things that will please you but YOU also DESERVE to be with someone willing to do those things and is on the same page as you. And I personally wouldn't tell her if I were you, that I'm breaking up with her because of the lack of sex, since she's already afraid of that. I would tell her it's due to other things, like lack of communication (communication problems), your frustrations etc. But of course you don't have to take that advice. As for the part of not being romantic enough, maybe she's too embarrassed to tell you what she thinks is romantic? Or she doesn't know specifically what...I think it's romantic when a guy is interested in what I like. For example, if you know that she likes a certain genre of books, you could recommend some of that genre of books to her that you think she might be interested in. Or when you go somewhere and she comments that she thinks something is cute etc, you could get it for her, assuming it's not terribly expensive. Or take her out for a nice dinner with some ballroom dancing, picnics, write her cards of how you feel and send her flowers, the list can go on! Do you also do foreplay with her before you had sex? Set up the mood? I find the "just weird to do with [me]." quote to be rather...well, not a very good sign. You're her boyfriend, so how can the things she wants to do romantically be weird with you? I don't want to make any assumptions about her since we're only hearing your side, but she sounds like she's not very confident in voicing her wants and needs exactly, because just by telling someone they're not romantic enough is frankly, not enough! They need to tell the person specifically what so that they can get exactly what they want and need. And you can only help so much with what little information is given. Also, if you haven't already shown her this, like you stated, just be prepared for in case she gets pissed off at you for posting your problems. Hope you have a great day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thathoopla Posted August 21, 2010 Share Posted August 21, 2010 While I feel for your situation and believe you're in a really unfair position...I have to bring up another point. For most women, especially in long term relationships, sex begins outside the bedroom. They want to feel safe, loved, adored and wanted. Do you go out on dates? Do you two do special things for each other? Naturally we do these things at the beginning of a relationship. But maybe it has lessened so much around the 2-year mark, that she subconsciously also lost the desire to have sex with you. It may be mostly a mental thing for her that has slowly built up a lot of resentment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iakasot Posted August 23, 2010 Share Posted August 23, 2010 While I feel for your situation and believe you're in a really unfair position...I have to bring up another point. For most women, especially in long term relationships, sex begins outside the bedroom. They want to feel safe, loved, adored and wanted. Do you go out on dates? Do you two do special things for each other? Naturally we do these things at the beginning of a relationship. But maybe it has lessened so much around the 2-year mark, that she subconsciously also lost the desire to have sex with you. It may be mostly a mental thing for her that has slowly built up a lot of resentment. Conversely, a guy can say he feels unwanted and undesirable if a girl has sex with him, but it almost didn't happen because she gets turned off easily. So what, no one should have sex with anyone? I'm sure if men were as picky as women about sex the human race would have died out aeons ago. That shouldn't be an excuse for her, the relation should be equal. I'm sure OP feels that pain and wishes for equality to be equally wanted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Telanth Posted August 26, 2010 Author Share Posted August 26, 2010 Thanks for the posts! I ask her pretty frequently about what I can do to fix this, if there's anything that can be done differently, et cetera, and she usually claims that there is nothing to be done, or something vague such as "make me feel more secure" with no further instructions to aid in execution. I've met a few of these requests, and sex did not happen, and she has largely fallen back on the religious excuse as of late. And, again, if she's religious, that's fine... but I'm not up for that kind of sexless relationship. I'm pretty sure that the issue is on her end, as I've never had this problem with any previous girlfriends. As for "my side," I'd be the first to admit that I'm probably not a very good boyfriend, and I don't doubt that she could come up with a few reasons not to have sex with me. But, see... if that is the case, then whatever those reasons are, even if they are unquestionably 100% my fault, it needs to be over with. It's stupid to continue a relationship that is broken. I've told her several times in the past few months that if this is the case, as would seem evidenced by the apparent lack of sexual attraction, then we need to just go ahead and break up. And then she starts saying that I'm a good boyfriend, that she doesn't think there's anything wrong, et cetera. I dunno why she'd even be wasting time with this if she is dissatisfied with me. Iakasot kind of summed up my position on this a bit already. Thanks, Iakasot. I'll elaborate, too, though. Now, I'd like to note that I'd be more than happy to start going on dates, or any of those other things, if she said that this was something she wanted (which she has not). However, I don't want a relationship where such things are prerequisites to sex. I don't want to have to "play my cards right," or do certain things to make my girlfriend sexually attracted to me. That is unacceptable to me, and would make me feel inadequate. I'm glad to do those things to make her happy, but I want her to be sexually attracted to me. If she cannot experience that sexual attraction without me first completing a task, I don't wanna be in that relationship. I want her sexual attraction toward me to be roughly equal (or greater, I certainly wouldn't complain) to mine toward her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iakasot Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 As for "my side," I'd be the first to admit that I'm probably not a very good boyfriend, and I don't doubt that she could come up with a few reasons not to have sex with me. But, see... if that is the case, then whatever those reasons are, even if they are unquestionably 100% my fault, it needs to be over with. It's stupid to continue a relationship that is broken. I've told her several times in the past few months that if this is the case, as would seem evidenced by the apparent lack of sexual attraction, then we need to just go ahead and break up. And then she starts saying that I'm a good boyfriend, that she doesn't think there's anything wrong, et cetera. I dunno why she'd even be wasting time with this if she is dissatisfied with me. I wanted to bold that part, because you seem like a good guy who wants to make his girlfriend happy, and I would dismiss this as either you being modest, or exaggerated self criticism due to low self esteem from not having enough sex. I know how hard of a hit it is on a guy's self esteem to not be having anymore sex, not only does it make you feel miserable, but it prevents future sex too, because for a lot of women a LACK OF insecurity and confidence are inalienable prerequisites to sex, and lack thereof are automatic unforgivable deal breakers. I also bolded that part, because I feel like some people might come in and bold it, and say "well, that's your problem right there", and then bash you, and that wouldn't help you, and me bolding it first and not doing that reduces that chance, and increases the chance of you actually being helped. Iakasot kind of summed up my position on this a bit already. Thanks, Iakasot. I'll elaborate, too, though. Now, I'd like to note that I'd be more than happy to start going on dates, or any of those other things, if she said that this was something she wanted (which she has not). However, I don't want a relationship where such things are prerequisites to sex. I don't want to have to "play my cards right," or do certain things to make my girlfriend sexually attracted to me. That is unacceptable to me, and would make me feel inadequate. I'm glad to do those things to make her happy, but I want her to be sexually attracted to me. If she cannot experience that sexual attraction without me first completing a task, I don't wanna be in that relationship. I want her sexual attraction toward me to be roughly equal (or greater, I certainly wouldn't complain) to mine toward her. I'm glad I could help. I would advise to find another girl who can give you an equal relationship, or force yourself to be more confident and masculine with her. Look into books like "Attraction Is Not a Choice" by David DeAngelo. Some guys have problems accepting this, they think "Why can't she want me by default, like I want her by default, my attraction is just THERE, why do I have to show confidence and security and everything like that?" They're right, it's not fair, that's why I try to bring this up at the beginning of the relationship to try and "negotiate" the terms: Either she acknowledges it's not equal, and that I have a right to emotionally invest less, because her attraction is more likely to disappear than mine and I need to be ready, or I just walk right away. Because what's the point of having sex with a girl if she'll just reject me in the future, right? Yeah, the "negotiations" are best done while the girl is as "into" you as she can get, so you don't get "wow, how dare you even suggest something like that, of course it's not fair, girls are the prize, deal with it" as a response, understand? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilroy Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 Some guys have problems accepting this, they think "Why can't she want me by default, like I want her by default, my attraction is just THERE, why do I have to show confidence and security and everything like that?" "wow, how dare you even suggest something like that, of course it's not fair, girls are the prize, deal with it" as a response, understand? Off-topic but wanted to say great points Iakasot! I also sometimes feel that women are the prize and men have to do so many things to get them. Surely I would feel like I am the prize if women approached me, introduced themselves, and ask me for a date. But as we all know women do not do this. Given this reality do you have any advice on how the man can feel he is also the prize? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
george237 Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 You only have one life and even if you live to 100 thats not that long. You have already wasted 4 years in an unhealthy relationship so my advice is to RUN, run fast and don't look back. She is never going to change and marrying her will only hurt both of you. I know several people that married thinking it would get better, guess what it got worse, a lot worse. Now they are unhappily married thinking a child will make everything better. If they wouldn't have settled there would be happy right now. RUN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted August 26, 2010 Share Posted August 26, 2010 You are going to marry, legally and with all of the ramifications, into a nearly sexless relationship. What do YOU THINK you should do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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