annie24 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 I've seen a few happy marriages in my family. 2 couples, both been together about 50 years. they are like best friends and lovers. i can't imagine one without the other. they seem to be good about communicating and compromising. and letting the 'little things' slide. that's been my observation, from the outside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brazilgirl21 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 You know, this is actually a very interesting discussion. I have 2 best friends that has been my best friends since we were 3 years old. We are all 23. One of them, N, is in a 4 year relationship with a 32 year guy who's crazy about her and wants to get married. My friend likes him, but she feels as if she's so young and is really not ready for that commitment. She really wishes she could break-up with him, travel, study abroad, meet other people. However, she doesn't have the guts to break it off. And she doesn't have the guts to get married either. They are going to NYC together this week for his 33rd birthday and I'm seriously suspecting he might propose. And I told that to her and she told me to stop jynxing her trip and that no way he'd do that because he knows she'll say no. She images handcuffs instead of a bouquet of flowers when she thinks of her marriage. I sincerely don't get her. If she's so scared of getting married and doesn't feel ready at all, what is she doing in the relationship with a soon to be 33 year old who's financially stable, just got a new apartment, and is desperately in love with her??? Everyone says she'll end up marrying him but I still hold a little hope that she might be brave enough to face the risks and follow her heart by ending things with him and finding herself. My other friend D, has been single for the past 3 years and is very depressed because of it. She called me during lunchtime crying saying she sees no future for herself because she dreams about getting married and just can't see it happening because she doesn't meet any decent guys. She is literally having a breakdown. She finally went to therapy today and the therapist said she's suffering with an anxiety disorder and has the option of taking meds or waiting a few months to get better with therapy. I have no doubts that the fact that she is single for 3 years is what triggered this horrible feeling she's having. She's been in serious relationships since she was 16 and this has been such a rough patch for her. Instead of enjoying the perks of being single at 23... enjoying everything my friend N craves to... she has dug this big whole of desperation for herself. It's so sad to see my two best friends this way. I feel like they are both trapped. The funny thing is that in the end, my prediction is that D will be happier than N. It seems like N will end up marrying this guy and frustrated, resenting everything she could have done if she had truly followed her heart. D, on the other hand, might suffer for a few more months and years... but I'm sure she'll get over this funk and meet someone soon. I can picture her spending time abroad next year and rediscovering herself and her passion. At 28-30, I'm sure she will find a great guy. She might not get married young, as she once hope to, but I think out of the two, N is the one with the biggest risk of leading a more frustrating life. I think D will look back at this and laugh and how desperate she felt at 23 - when she's 40, with a big family and has all her memories of everything she did for herself when she was in her 20's. N, on the other hand, might look back and realize everything she didn't do - her dream interior design masters degree in Paris or her intenship in an architecture firm in New York. She'll look back and regret it. Sorry for the long rant on this post. It's just amazing how nobody seems happy with what they have. Single people want boyfriends, those with boyfriends wish they were single but feel like they can't let go... Married people are unhappy and those who didn't marry are frustrated. Man, we humans... so beautifully complicated we are. I have to admit I also know only a few people in very content relationships/marriages. Most seem unhappy or bored or in doubt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 My godfather is one of the happiest married men I know. He told me that his one regret in life was not marrying his wife sooner. awww..... they've been together for 50 years, they were long distance for a while (him in the US, her in europe) and they wrote letters to each other for a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 It's marriage. I have never seen a happy marriage. It's not sad. I am a really happy single person. You don't need to believe in marriage to be happy. Now if I got married, then I would be sad. But you don't have to have marriage to be sad or in a bad relationship... have you sworn off relationship all together or just marriage? Marriage to me is not what makes two people.. it's just a different relationship status. You could very well have been unmarried to that jerk and still been unhappy, right? It has nothing to do with if you are married or not.. it has to do with who you are with. I think when one blames a general institution - such as marriage - they are side stepping the fact that it's not the word marriage or what marriage means that caused the union to fail... it's whoever was the jerk. I don't know of any happy marriages but I look at that as a sign that we are all humans. There is no perfect, happy marriage because it doesn't exist... there are couples who work better at it than others most def. but no marriage is pure gold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 I'm glad you know people who are happily married, I thought I did, but I was wrong. Some people are made for marriage and that is great. I'm VERY independent and love taking off and doing my own thing on the spur of the moment. You can't do that if your married, it would be thoughtless and rude to your spouse. I love freedom and all that goes with it. I don't get lonely and I don't want to get married for security, I'm pretty secure and don't have fears for the future. I just love to explore life and have adventures. That is harder to do with a spouse and kids, and even if you do it then, it's just not the same. I wish everyone who is engaged a happy life and marriage, I really do. It's just not for me. I've been in a very happy relationship for over 11 years. We live apart, but that suits me best. I see him almost every day and we get along famously. He has been married 3 times before and understands how I feel about marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Whew, what a day! Well, CS liked the photographer's work so we are going with him. So stoked to have a professional do our pics... pictures were the one thing we weren't willing to go cheap on because they are the ONLY thing that lasts about a wedding. I also got in touch with the venue and have an apt to go there Thursday before work to look around - may have mentioned that already - And I went and filed my taxes today. Now, I was expecting to get like $600 back and had budgeted monthly payments to the photographer and everything out of my income so imagine how floored I was when my tax guy told me I would be getting back $1,990. 0.o I had him repeat the figure back to me twice I was in so much shock! Then I wanted to just cry because I realized that meant we could pay the photographer and the venue off completely and not worry about them again until October. And then CS and I got to talking about the extra money that would be left over and we decided that since we have it, we are going to get our dream dress - notice I never say 'I'? - that we had picked out when we were doing our big wedding in Sept. The whole reason I got the dress I did was because I was not spending $500 on a dress when I was getting married at the courthouse so a small $100 dress fit the bill. With all the changes we have made and the extra money - the only reason we are doing this - we have decieded to use the dress we both fell in love with. I remember stepping out of the fitting room and looking at myself in the mirror and I had 'that moment' in it... I could see it in the pictures and me standing at the bottom of the aisle... it was perfect. This is it: image removed So I have a appt Wednesday night to see what size I am so I'll know what size to order when I get the taxes back. CS is thinking it would look better with straps so I'll def see when I go. I'm so happy. I didn't stay after work tonight to help in the kitchen - although I did finish up my normal work early and go and help - so I'll stay tomorrow night and Wednesday after my DB appointment I"m going to swing by and pick up another 3-4 hours of over time. Wooho! Making the money... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Does the same rules for traveling that apply to marriage not apply to a relationship wihtout marriage? I mean, would you just take off without letting him know? I guess I just have a hard time seperating marriage and relationships because to me the two are the same... you have obligations in relationship like you do marriage, the only difference is a legal piece of paper. There's a symbolic emotional thing behind marriage but let's be hoenst.. at the end of the day the only difference between a married couple and a LT unmarried couple is a piece of paper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Holy crap thays anlot of money to get back! When my tax lady told me $1074 was what id be getting back, I nearly cried. That's so awesome for you. Are you still gonna try to get that dress from link removed? Saving moneys is saving money! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 that's a pretty dress OG. congrats!!! you can always wear the one you already have as a more casual dress (ie, flip flops/with a jeans jacket...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Holy crap thays anlot of money to get back! When my tax lady told me $1074 was what id be getting back, I nearly cried. That's so awesome for you. Are you still gonna try to get that dress from link removed? Saving moneys is saving money! Apparently being in school caused me to get $1,000. Who knew going into debt for $10,000 would give me $1,000 more at tax time, lol. I almost cried too! Like I literally had to bite my lip to keep the tears at bay. No, after reading SayWhen's ordeal with her over seas thing I'm just going to get it through David's Bridal. Yeah it's about $200 more but piece of mind I can SEE the dress and be confident in what I'm getting, you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 that's a pretty dress OG. congrats!!! you can always wear the one you already have as a more casual dress (ie, flip flops/with a jeans jacket...) I'm actually thinking about selling it to be honest if I can - btw Hers, that's why I sent you that facebook message earlier today. Was wondering if you had been able to sell yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Oh crap I'm sorry I didn't write back! I was at work and forgot to write Bach when I got home. As of tight now its hanging on a door in my house. Idk what to do with it bc it was tailpred to fit my height and shape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Oh crap I'm sorry I didn't write back! I was at work and forgot to write Bach when I got home. As of tight now its hanging on a door in my house. Idk what to do with it bc it was tailpred to fit my height and shape. lol, it's fine. After I sent it I was like 'she's going to think I'm a crazy person for that random question ' hahaha I was thinking of trying to sell it on e bay honestly... I mean, why not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sherryberrypie Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Okay now I'm sure that your October wedding was meant to be! I think it is going to be so much more special for you too and I am happy for you that you got such a great tax return!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Okay now I'm sure that your October wedding was meant to be! I think it is going to be so much more special for you too and I am happy for you that you got such a great tax return!! Thanks Sherry! It does seem like this is how it was meant to be.. I'm just ready for something to go wrong in the wedding planning, lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sherryberrypie Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Well things always go wrong, but I have a good feeling about Oct. as a whole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 I hope so.. no lie, we are paying about $100 for him to stay in a hotel as near to the airport as we can get him to put my mind at ease. He'll go up the day before, spend the night, then catch his morning flight. I am taking NO chances this time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Have you decided what to do for your honeymoon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Have you decided what to do for your honeymoon? We are going to Myrtle Beach. Since it's off season for a week we will pay about $350 for a sea side hotel. The same hotel for a week in June is like over $1,000. It's been two years since I have been to the beach - I'm dying to get there. Only sad part is they don't allow pets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SayWhen Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 It seems like things are really falling into place for you, OG! I love that gown...it's GORGEOUS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Does the same rules for traveling that apply to marriage not apply to a relationship wihtout marriage? I mean, would you just take off without letting him know? I guess I just have a hard time seperating marriage and relationships because to me the two are the same... you have obligations in relationship like you do marriage, the only difference is a legal piece of paper. There's a symbolic emotional thing behind marriage but let's be hoenst.. at the end of the day the only difference between a married couple and a LT unmarried couple is a piece of paper. My bf is a prominent local attorney and he often has to go somewhere on short notice. I don't give him grief about it. I just take off and go because I love adventure and his favorite place to be is home because he travels for work sometimes. We understand each other completely. I am not the least domestic and he accepts that. He says he can hire someone to cook and clean, but he can't hire someone who can be me! We both don't work with most people, we have said "I love you" to each other less than 10 times in 11 years. Neither one of us cares. Most people would have trouble with that. We are both workaholics who had alcoholic fathers. As a result of that, we love to work long hours and succeed! I am writing my Thesis on the factors of resiliency in adult children of alcoholics. We have certain things that make us tick that most people would not understand. We are both perfectionists who draw a lot of our identity from our jobs. We are very pragmatic and unsemtimental, but we both have a wicked sense of humor and love to laught. Neither of us likes to be controlled in any way, shape, or form. Like I said, neither of us would be a good partner for most people, but together, we are magic! He is my best friend and vice versa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KH26 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 OG, the dress is gorgeous! I really want something like that when I get married. I have a good feeling about October too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 "Does the same rules for traveling that apply to marriage not apply to a relationship wihtout marriage? I mean, would you just take off without letting him know? I guess I just have a hard time seperating marriage and relationships because to me the two are the same... you have obligations in relationship like you do marriage, the only difference is a legal piece of paper. There's a symbolic emotional thing behind marriage but let's be hoenst.. at the end of the day the only difference between a married couple and a LT unmarried couple is a piece of paper." I would not have gotten married if I felt that way about the "piece of paper" you refer to in a dismissive way and my husband likely wouldn't have married me if I felt that way. For example, I don't see my friend and her LT partner as different from us because we're married and they are not (they've lived together for 5 years and have a child) - so it's not about comparisons with others- it's about the personal, emotional and loving reasons we decided to take marriage vows and just like a couple who chooses not to get married wouldn't appreciate being judged for not having a legal commitment I don't see where you get to judge with the "let's be honest" the marital commitment I or others have made and the meaning for us. It's fine if you have the view you do about your intention to get married and what it will mean (or not mean) to you - and it sounds like both you and CS are on the same page about how it really makes no difference at the end of the day. But I'm not sure why you need to go further than that. As far as travel I personally would find it terrible if my husband planned a trip without checking in with me first especially since we have a small child. I would do the same. He also tells me if he's not going to be home at his normal time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 I did not refer to it in a dissmisve way and would like it if you did not imply how I implied something. As you said yourself, there is no difference in a LTR and a married couple... EXCEPT THE PIECE OF PAPER THAT BINDS YOU LEGALLY TO THAT PERSON. If I felt about marriage like thejigisup does - which is her right since she went through a bad one - would I be getting married? No. I hold marriage in a very high regard and was simply pointing to to her that it's not the institution of marriage that is to blame for a failed marriage - it's the person who caused the marriage to fail. I was simply trying to show her a different way of looking at it - as in not blaming the word and definition of marriage but the person involved because at the end of the day the only difference between a LT couple and a married couple is a piece of paper that legally binds, you said it yourself. So please, do not 'imply' what I said and claim I am judging someone who you said the exact same thing I did. Marriage is a wonderful thing - but the facts are, LT couples make the same vows married couples do - they just don't do it 'legally' nor do a huge celebration about it. So before you condemn someone for judgying someone else, please actually know what they are saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 It's going to be such a busy week this week. 0.o I have to make my car payment today from last week - from the vacation - and go to the gym for at least 40 minutes before my 2-10 shift. And then after my 2-10 shift I'm staying until about 11:30 or midnight to help deep clean the kitchen again - if they stay tonight, they may not. And then tomorrow I'm off but I have that David's Bridal appointment at 6 PM and then on my way back home I'm stopping by the hospital to get another 2-3 hours of overtime. Then Thursday morning I'm going to go look at the venue before work, work a 2-10 shift, and then hit the gym after work. Busy, busy Bee.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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