OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 It's important to YOU. Is knowing if he can't hit a hamper before marriage going to change my mind on marrying him? If it did then our relationship wouldn't be founded on much, that's for damn sure. And yes, I already know he can't hit a hamper. Just because your LDR was a bad experience doesn't mean ours is. We have a huge level of honesty in this relationship. In fact I remember about a month before we met we had one whole day were we listed our flaws to the other person (what we could think of). CS is a very in your face kind of guy. He tells you like it is, no flowery touch put to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 I bet they have explained theirs many times to family and loved ones. It's got to get so old. This is actually were I smile because honesty, I have NEVER had to defend our decision to marry early to my family. Ever. And that's because they know how serious I take marriage and I wouldn't agree to go into it without having heavily thought about it. My mother had more trouble with us dating in an LDR than when we got engaged quickly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 We have weight the pros and cons over getting married now and in a year or so and honestly, the only reason we could come up with with getting married later is it would be to pacify people, to not have an unchalleneged relationship. For us marriage is for better or for worse. As long as CS doesn't hit me or cheat on me I know I can live with whatever bad habits he has (and I know many of them) and he can live with mine and whatever comes up. We know that when I move over there is going to be an adjustment period-- we are not naive. We know we will fight like any other married couple but because of our LDR beginnings we will already know how to settle that fight quickly. You know as much as I hate the 4,000 miles between us in a way, I'm glad we started off in an LDR. It forced us to communicate on levels normal relationships don't and to be much more open with each other. We have had our problems.. every couple does... and we have rolled with them and fixed them. I believe that because of us being in this LDR we will survive having married young vs. someone who marries young in a 'normal' relationship because of our communcation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Not yet and I won't marry him until I do. Though right now, I know his extremely well. I can easily know how he feels just by a look on his face or one word from his mouth. I can tell things by the tone of his voice. I can finish his thought when he struggles to translate something into English. I know what he would choose to eat at different restaurants. etc etc. Who's to say it's not the same for them? You have been with him for a little over a year...you guys could break up tomorrow. You could find out he's cheating on you tomorrow. And you'll be devastated. But no one will refer back to this post right here to throw in your face that you thought you knew him so well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
civilservant Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm sure if I was more awake I'd come up with a sarcastic put down but honesty Sweetpea, you're just an irritant now. If you don't like what we're doing fine, but stop being curious (or at least, stop being overtly curious) and butt out because we're both bored of answering questions. We're doing what's right for us, and that's all you need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 It's important to YOU. Is knowing if he can't hit a hamper before marriage going to change my mind on marrying him? If it did then our relationship wouldn't be founded on much, that's for damn sure. And yes, I already know he can't hit a hamper. Just because your LDR was a bad experience doesn't mean ours is. We have a huge level of honesty in this relationship. In fact I remember about a month before we met we had one whole day were we listed our flaws to the other person (what we could think of). CS is a very in your face kind of guy. He tells you like it is, no flowery touch put to it. That wasn't my point... I was stating that there are things that you can only find out while being in person with someone. Knowing how a person treats others tells a lot about who a person is. This can only be done in person. As stated before, no person who is someone horrible, thinks of themself as a horrible person and will preserve their own self-esteem and will talk highly of themselves. We have a self-serving bias. Everyone does it and will make excuses for themselves when they don't do as well as they hoped to. But these are implicit(internal) feelings and thoughts. The actions a person does is what tells the most about a person, as you can see their implicit come out through action and see their explicit actions as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Who's to say it's not the same for them? You have been with him for a little over a year...you guys could break up tomorrow. You could find out he's cheating on you tomorrow. And you'll be devastated. But no one will refer back to this post right here to throw in your face that you thought you knew him so well. I could end up single tomorrow... but we're in a relationship and not getting married yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 That wasn't my point... I was stating that there are things that you can only find out while being in person with someone. Knowing how a person treats others tells a lot about who a person is. This can only be done in person. As stated before, no person who is someone horrible, thinks of themself as a horrible person and will preserve their own self-esteem and will talk highly of themselves. We have a self-serving bias. Everyone does it and will make excuses for themselves when they don't do as well as they hoped to. But these are implicit(internal) feelings and thoughts. The actions a person does is what tells the most about a person, as you can see their implicit come out through action and see their explicit actions as well. Of course there are things you can only find out being with someone in person. The thing is I trust in our love and our communication ability to overcome anything that may not go smoothly (which we are prepared for things not to). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 That wasn't my point... I was stating that there are things that you can only find out while being in person with someone. Knowing how a person treats others tells a lot about who a person is. This can only be done in person. As stated before, no person who is someone horrible, thinks of themself as a horrible person and will preserve their own self-esteem and will talk highly of themselves. We have a self-serving bias. Everyone does it and will make excuses for themselves when they don't do as well as they hoped to. But these are implicit(internal) feelings and thoughts. The actions a person does is what tells the most about a person, as you can see their implicit come out through action and see their explicit actions as well. it sounds like they are well aware of the risks and going for it anyway. life is a risk. they take a huge risk in NOT getting married as well. a long distance relationship in which there is no deadline to be together again doesn't work out either. now is the time. i wish og and cs all the best on their upcoming marriage! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 I could end up single tomorrow... but we're in a relationship and not getting married yet. So we aren't in a relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 it sounds like they are well aware of the risks and going for it anyway. life is a risk. they take a huge risk in NOT getting married as well. a long distance relationship in which there is no deadline to be together again doesn't work out either. now is the time. i wish og and cs all the best on their upcoming marriage! Thank you Annie. You bring up another good point. What I think people fail to realize is you can NOT just move to a country because you want to (trust me, I thought you could). You have to have a very good reason to (ie, school, work, or marriage) so no matter when we would get married, there would be time of us apart. We were orginally getting married in Sept and just flipped flopped how we were doing things because we didn't want a big wedding... why wait until Sept to have a none big wedding? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 So we aren't in a relationship? I didn't say that. I am just saying that in my relationship we are waiting to get married, while you are moving quickly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 yes, i'm aware of how difficult it can be to get a non-tourist visa. if there were an option for you to live in the UK for 1 year without being married, you could do that, but of course, there isn't. you can only go there as a tourist (or student if you enrolled in a program). and as a tourist, you'd have to leave after x number of days. it's not simple. so, getting married starts the clock on the visa process on finally being together in person legally. i'm sure you guys have done all the reading on this right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 I didn't say that. I am just saying that in my relationship we are waiting to get married, while you are moving quickly... See, this is the thing. We are moving quickly by YOUR definition of quickly. To us, we aren't getting married quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Sweetpea, you are 21 or 20, right? I've known SO MANY 20 or 21 year olds to say "I'm mature for my age", which gives them jusitification for their actions. I thought I was "mature for my age" at 20, 21. I didn't know anything at all. I'm 28 and realize now I'm still not "mature for my age". You'll be a totally different person in 8 years. Trust me. It's probably best you're not marrying your boyfriend, b/c chances are, you won't like him in 8 years, simply b/c no one I know likes the same thing now as they did 8 years ago. Including people. And the word quickly is relative to each couple. You make yourself sound snarky when you say it like that. "We're waiting whil you are moving quickly." You make it sound as though YOU are right, period. You're not. They aren't either. Neither am I. No one knows. So drop it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 It sounds like the jerk you were with was trying to deceive you though.. it's like he was actively hiding who he was. I suppose that's always a possibility .. but you do see threads on here about wives or husbands who did 180s after marriage (and not just those in LDRs) .. so .. maybe if you are unfortunate enough to be with someone whose actually trying to deceive you and "be on their best behaviour" to trap you - that would be pretty awful. Other people do have a need to be completely honest - and by that I mean shower all their negatives onto their partner. I remember within the first few months of dating I told my H every horrid thing about me and my past I could think of. It was my way of saying "here I am - here all my warts.. if you are going to leave me, leave me now dam*it but don't let me love you and then leave me afterwards" - so I badly needed him to see the worst of me. And he did the same.. went on a massive confession spree about all the things in his past he was ashamed of. Deceivers can get you any time any place. Maybe it is more likely in an LDR just because its easier to deceive in that context .. but.. it can happen anywhere. Some people live double lives. Some men are gay and get married keeping that from their wives .. imagine what it must be like when they find out 20 years later? I don't know - I don't think these two try to hide their worst from each other .. you get that impression just by reading on here, and what we read is just a small snap shot. With things like being a bigot.. unless someone is actively trying to hide that you can pick up on it. Assuming you talk to them often about people in their lives.. you can hear the negativity. I think spending every day together is the ideal .. noone would doubt that - but they do live on different continents with an ocean between them and migration laws to boot. Not to mention jobs that can't be given up without compromising their future together. Finding someone you connect with so well and really love .. I do think its rare. I think they are doing what they need to do to make a life together a reality. I think its great that you are sticking to what you think is right for you sweetpea.. you are doing it based on your experience and your beliefs and that's great. And I think its a good thing to care how the lives of others turn out.. none of us would be on here so often if we didn't.. so at the least we can all agree that we all wish them the very, very best and all the happiness in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 yes, i'm aware of how difficult it can be to get a non-tourist visa. if there were an option for you to live in the UK for 1 year without being married, you could do that, but of course, there isn't. you can only go there as a tourist (or student if you enrolled in a program). and as a tourist, you'd have to leave after x number of days. it's not simple. so, getting married starts the clock on the visa process on finally being together in person legally. i'm sure you guys have done all the reading on this right? *nods* most def. You can stay up to 6 months at a time on a tourist visa (I believe). Could we do that? Sure! But I kind of have bills to pay back home and can't afford to just jet set to England for six months to pacify people. We COULD have went the fiance visa route in which I moved over but still, you have to be married within 90 days of arriving and my family doesn't fly so my family wouldn't be there. CS isn't as close to his family so he had no problem with us getting married here so my family could attend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
civilservant Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 yes, i'm aware of how difficult it can be to get a non-tourist visa. if there were an option for you to live in the UK for 1 year without being married, you could do that, but of course, there isn't. you can only go there as a tourist (or student if you enrolled in a program). and as a tourist, you'd have to leave after x number of days. it's not simple. so, getting married starts the clock on the visa process on finally being together in person legally. i'm sure you guys have done all the reading on this right? Believe me Annie, I have! Another reason for switching to OG moving here was because of the (comparative to the US) ease of obtaining a visa. No medical, no interview (as long as they accept your evidence) and the average lead time is 4 months, not a year like the US takes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Believe me Annie, I have! Another reason for switching to OG moving here was because of the (comparative to the US) ease of obtaining a visa. No medical, no interview (as long as they accept your evidence) and the average lead time is 4 months, not a year like the US takes. And who passes on moving to a country that has the NHS? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 And the word quickly is relative to each couple. You make yourself sound snarky when you say it like that. "We're waiting whil you are moving quickly." You make it sound as though YOU are right, period. You're not. They aren't either. Neither am I. No one knows. So drop it. I may or may not change who I am in the future. I don't know. Though I strongly know who I am right now because I have been through enough in my life to really learn and grow as a person. I say quickly, because getting to know someone takes time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 I may or may not change who I am in the future. I don't know. Though I strongly know who I am right now because I have been through enough in my life to really learn and grow as a person. I say quickly, because getting to know someone takes time... And you don't know what I have been through in life. Not only did I endure having to watch my mother get beaten on a daily bases by my father but I too was beaten. On top of that I was sexually molested for 3 years and on top of THAT endure even more emotional abuse form my father and left home at 17. Getting to know someone takes time but we have taken the time we decree acceptable to get to know each other before entering marriage. For you that 2-3 years. I find it hard that someone in an age gap relationship which comes under just as much fire as LDRs do would be so persistent in this. I really do. So I'll say it this time because I'm tired of being nice and it's 2 weeks before my wedding. Back the F off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
civilservant Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 And we haven't? Think we came down in the last shower or something? You know you say that people show you who they are by there actions and I agree. Right now you're showing everyone you have little regard for someone else's feelings if they don't fit your perceived norms. How many more times do you need it spelled out that you aren't welcome on this thread anymore? This isn't and never was the correct forum for this little opus- it's a journal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 You have my support, OG. I just have one question: who's footing the bill for us to fly over for the wedding? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 You have my support, OG. I just have one question: who's footing the bill for us to fly over for the wedding? Are you in my country or CS's? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Neither! . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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