sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Why should we wait just a few months or another year simply to pacify other people? Would you? I'm not saying to do it for me... I would say to do it for yourself. Do you know CS 100%? I'm really just curious to know what you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 This is the thing, you think I'm not 100% sure. I do. My own family knows I'm 100%. Who are you to tell someone else they aren't 100% sure just because our relationship doesnt fall into what you consider 'ready to marry' category? I'm a child of divorce, I know all yo well what that does to people. I'm not religious but I hold marriage VERY sacred. I did not enter this because he was the first man to put a ring on my finger... I'm not entering into this because I want children and marriage. I could never enter into marriage without being 100% sure. Do I know if in 20 years we will be together? No, because i dont have a crystal ball and I believe its.naive to say you will. Anything can happen. Little late on the upset part... I am 100% sure, for the 100th time. As sure as you can be without having a crystal hall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm sorry. I know you feel ready, but I asked if you know him 100%? what he likes, dislikes, how he acts, etc etc. I don't know if your relationship will last or not. I don't think it'd automatically fail if you do x, y, or z. But I think being cautious is a good thing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm not saying to do it for me... I would say to do it for yourself. Do you know CS 100%? I'm really just curious to know what you think. Why do it for myself when I know I'm sure? Of course I don't know CS 100%, I'm a believer in your entire relationship you get to know someone. I know him better on a emotional level than I do a physical but I believe its naive to ever think you know someone 100% because we constantly change as humans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Of course i know his likes, dislikes, and how he acts... we have talked every day since we met and I have met him in person, its not like I'm marrying him without having met him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 as someone who is marrying a man at just a year and a half of knowing each other, I feel I can step in here and offer perspective. I know it's "taboo" to marry someone you don't know very long. My own father married my stepfather at just 6 weeks of knowing her. Where are they now, 15 years later? They hate each other, are estranged, and are each having affairs yet not divorcing. Can I say I had the fear I'd be reliving my father's relationship? You bet. But I'm a believer that where I am is where I'm supposed to be. I was supposed to meet Jared...it was "meant to be", as cliche as it can sound. And I knew from the first time I met him that I had a long future with him. Do I believe we'll be together in 20 years? My answer will be different here from OG's answer: yes, I believe we will. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't think that. BUT like OG said, no one can predict the future. Do I know him 100%? No, I don't, b/c I also believe you continue to learn about each other as you go through life, as each person grows and grows into different things and they continue to evolve throughout their lives. With their evolution comes new things to learn. Does Jared know 100% about me? No, for the same reason. But the real question should be do we know enough to want to enter into a marriage? Yes, we do. So I am with Sherry...back off. It's not your business and you are not "asking" out of curiosity...at this point, you're trying to push your beliefs onto OG. It's not your business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 i guess you never know. you hear all the time of people who 'did things right' - they dated for a few years, were engaged for 1.5 years, got married and they still wind up divorced. my mom was dating my dad for 6 weeks before they married, it worked out. some people marry quickly and then find themselves in bad situations. you just never know. i think a lot of it depends on luck. and yes, people change, so do you change together or apart? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Core values and personality don't change... some small things change, but those aren't very crucial in the scheme of things. If you believe your ready, on an emotional and logical basis, then good. But I think there are a lot of factors to think about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 So I am with Sherry...back off. It's not your business and you are not "asking" out of curiosity...at this point, you're trying to push your beliefs onto OG. It's not your business. Thanks for your input, but I don't think you know what I am thinking... I am curious and like to know people's opinions and views. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Core values and personality don't change... some small things change, but those aren't very crucial in the scheme of things. If you believe your ready, on an emotional and logical basis, then good. But I think there are a lot of factors to think about. i dunno. i think they do. my real estate agent was telling me about her husband. she said when they married 25 years ago, he was a free-love hippie. now he is a republican accountant. she said what's saved their marriage is that they grew and changed together. i think personalities can change. the 'mid life crisis' is real for some people. some people find that they are more roommates than partners after living together for 20 years. it's hard. my mom's current husband, they corresponded via email and married after 4 weeks. i told her she was absolutely insane, i urged her to just date him but she wouldn't hear it. my mom likes being married damnit. well they're still together it's been 7 years. she made choices i wouldn't have made but i guess that's her right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I know you love him, he is all you talk about. But would another few months or a year hurt you in waiting? So.. I totally see that you are genuine(ly concerned) - I remember one of the first things I ever said to OG myself being something along similar-ish lines .. but I can so promise you two weeks before her wedding is NOT the time to attack the decision to get married. One of my closest and oldest friends did this to me 2 weeks before mine and we are no longer friends. There's NO WAY that OG and CS have not BOTH thought about waiting versus getting married now and the merits of both and come to this decision. Is there really any possibility that they haven't considered whether the time is right for them or not? Noone here knows either of them, their feelings or relationship as well as they do they are in the best position to make decisions like this. People get married after days of knowing each other. Some get married after 10 years and split up right after the honeymoon (an ex of mine, in fact). Noone wants to live their life by the statistics and really.. very few people could even if they wanted to. They've both been in awful r'ships before and both had their hearts broken so they know how to appreciate a good thing. And really.. a year is not a short amount of time. Yes, it's a year LDR but they communicate a lot and what time they have spent in person has been easy and wonderful. If I had to bet (and I'm not a gambler) - I'd put my money on them celebrating their 50th anniversary 50 years from now. Not that it's relevant because it's their decision. If she was here having cold feet it would be one thing to insist on talking this through - but she hasn't got any doubts. And she's not a non-thinker. I'm sure she's come to the position of having no doubts after she's thought it through.. Let's just be happy for them!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 No, I don't know what you're thinking, and I can only go off of what I read from you on the boards. But it seems that you don't think they're ready, all b/c of what you have read yourself. But CS doesn't beat her. Doesn't abuse her. Doesn't cheat on her. She doesn't do that to him either. So who are they harming? Whether you are right about their relationship one day, or whether you are wrong about their relationship one day, trying to convince saomeone out of their relationship is wrong. Now, if they did abuse each other, post threads every other day about their troubles, cheat on each other, then by all means, offer ADVICE. but let it be advice. Don't try to convince them what they shoudl do, b/c no one knows what's right for them except for THEM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Annie- you change together, that's why marruages survive. They falter wh3n you change apart. Do I know who he is as a person and what he believes in and what he will defend to the death? Most certainly. Those won't change and I do know that part of him 100%. Of course there are a lot of factors to consider and we have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Of course i know his likes, dislikes, and how he acts... we have talked every day since we met and I have met him in person, its not like I'm marrying him without having met him. i think when you finally do move in together, it's going to be a huge transition. after years of communicating mainly via phone and internet, it's going to be all up in your face, 24/7. it will be a huge shock for soon. you will smell his dirty socks. there will be no escape, lol. it will be a wild and exciting and scary and frustrating and worthwhile ride, for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Do I know who he is as a person and what he believes in and what he will defend to the death? Most certainly. Those won't change and I do know that part of him 100%.. I know he likes planes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 i think when you finally do move in together, it's going to be a huge transition. after years of communicating mainly via phone and internet, it's going to be all up in your face, 24/7. it will be a huge shock for soon. you will smell his dirty socks. there will be no escape, lol. it will be a wild and exciting and scary and frustrating and worthwhile ride, for sure. Agreed. It's going to be difficult for sure, but marriage is a lot harder to break up over things taht can be fixed. You won't be able to run away from it all, so you'll have to work it out. And I'm sure you will! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Yes, it is their decision, but I ask because I would rather someone notice things now than to go through with something they aren't 100% ready for. I've sat by and watched too many friends and people I know mess up. Others can see things that we miss ourselves. I'm not trying to make her upset or angry. I just want her to be 100% and if she is she won't have a problem talking about it. Just my honest opinion. I don't know about that. First of all - noone can be really 100% simply because we don't know the future. So getting married does involve an element of risk. And because of that - noone can claim to be 100% sure. I know I wasn't. And the thing about being challenged about your decision two weeks before the wedding is that.. its a time when you are happy - it's one of the most exciting times of your life.. and you want people to be happy for you. It's really upsetting when people challenge you on this at a time when you want them to be happy for you. That's what makes "talking about it" (we should say, justifying their love, relationship, commitment and knowledge of each other as part of their decision to get married) at a time like this.. a really awful experience for the bride to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm sorry. I know you feel ready, but I asked if you know him 100%? what he likes, dislikes, how he acts, etc etc. I don't know if your relationship will last or not. I don't think it'd automatically fail if you do x, y, or z. But I think being cautious is a good thing... Do you know your guy 100%? You know.. honestly.. I wouldn't want to know my H 100%. One of the reasons I wanted to to date him in the first place is that he was one of the few men in my life I really couldn't figure out. Made him complex and interesting and intriguing. 4 years of being together and 2 years of marriage later.. I feel like I'm learning more about him every day and there's still soooo much I don't know - and I like it that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Do you know your guy 100%? You know.. honestly.. I wouldn't want to know my H 100%. One of the reasons I wanted to to date him in the first place is that he was one of the few men in my life I really couldn't figure out. Made him complex and interesting and intriguing. 4 years of being together and 2 years of marriage later.. I feel like I'm learning more about him every day and there's still soooo much I don't know - and I like it that way. Not yet and I won't marry him until I do. Though right now, I know his extremely well. I can easily know how he feels just by a look on his face or one word from his mouth. I can tell things by the tone of his voice. I can finish his thought when he struggles to translate something into English. I know what he would choose to eat at different restaurants. etc etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Not yet and I won't marry him until I do. Though right now, I know his extremely well. I can easily know how he feels just by a look on his face or one word from his mouth. I can tell things by the tone of his voice. I can finish his thought when he struggles to translate something into English. I know what he would choose to eat at different restaurants. etc etc. True.. can they not learn this stuff when OG moves over there? Knowing that kind of thing makes you feel closer but is it a must prior to marriage, and if so, why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you Circe. I believe with all my heart we will celebrate 50 years but I will not say we WILL because I simply can not know that, you know? If this was our first relationship I could understand the worry but he's been in 2 previous ones and I have had one before him. All of them ended badly. CS was with his first girlfriend for 4 years and they were engaged, thought he knew her and she cheated on him. I do not believe the longer you are with someone prior to marriage the BETTER you know who they are as a person. People can change, people DO change. You will always be considered a near and dear friend to us Hers. I 100% agree. We both realize this and are prepared. I remember when right before we met in person we were both so worried the feelings in person wouldn't be the same as they were online. We worried ourselves SICK over it becuase it very well could have happened that way but we got lucky and it was just as marvelous. I have smelled his stinking socks (lol) but it will def be worthwhile. I look at it as every couple who does not live with each other prior to marriage goes through what we will although obviously because of the distance we will go through more. God does he ever... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I don't think it's always a great idea to go into marriage feeling like you have control over the situation. And I think by having norms or guidelines as to when it's time.. or feeling like you won't do it until you are 100% or know each other 100% - that could be a way of letting you feel like you have control over what the experience of being married will be like and how it will end. If you go into it that way - what happens when the boat gets upset? What happens if his personality does undergo some significant changes (could be due to depression.. could be due to just learning new things or having some massive experience that just changes his outlook on life.. I agree with Annie that while core values and beliefs are less likely to change over time than other things (like hobbies and favourite restaurants) .. they certainly can change. What if the r'ship changes? And I imagine things like having a kid will have that effect. Does that mean you no longer stay and work it through? I'm sure you wouldn't reply "yeah, that's exactly what it means". So .. I don't know - I never wanted to feel like I had complete control over things. That's why I never wanted to live together before getting married. I didn't want to "test run" things. I wanted to say - I know you - I know whats in your heart - I know how you think - and I know you enough if not completely - to say I want to marry you. And whatever comes our way, we'll work through. No need to test drive - you're it. Rough waters? I'll take them on if you'll do it with me. Yes, that's probably a bit silly. It's probably not the most rational way of doing it. But it's a choice I made understanding what the other choices were - because ultimately it's my life to live the way I want. If we don't have that, we have nothing. I can't see how OG's situation is different. I think she knows what all the possible issues are and she's making her decision having thought it through. If anything OG strikes me as an over-analyser not an under-analyser. Which doesn't mean she's right.. we never know what will happen. But I think we can rest assured that they've thought about it. It's just that justifying these things.. never feels good. How many times should one have to explain their decision? I bet they have explained theirs many times to family and loved ones. It's got to get so old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 True.. can they not learn this stuff when OG moves over there? Knowing that kind of thing makes you feel closer but is it a must prior to marriage, and if so, why? yes, they can learn it then, but by then they are married. Knowing beforehand is important because you want to know who you are marrying. I thought I wanted to marry my ex, but I hardly knew him. We were in an LDR for most of it, rarely seeing each other. So when we did see each other, we were on our "best behavior". I found out a lot about him after being in person with him. He was filthy, something I couldn't know over the phone/internet. His wording of being messy was a big understatement. He wasn't very kind to others around him and thought mostly of himself. Another thing that was hard to find out over a LDR. Our last several months of the relationship were in person. Of course people will talk highly of themselves while apart and when meeting people. It's part of psychology, that we will protect our own well being. No person who is a bigot, tells the world that they are one. I spend almost every day with my boyfriend and I know him well. If I didn't, I would not think of marrying him. No matter how great he sounds on paper and no matter how strong my emotions are. I pull myself back and think logically about it and see what the next best step is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Not yet and I won't marry him until I do. Though right now, I know his extremely well. I can easily know how he feels just by a look on his face or one word from his mouth. I can tell things by the tone of his voice. I can finish his thought when he struggles to translate something into English. I know what he would choose to eat at different restaurants. etc etc. And the same is not the same for CS and I? I may not see his face on a day to day bases but I can tell by the sound of his voice or even just by the way he writes an email that something is wrong. I know when he's hiding a surprise from me by the way he smiles when denying it. I know his shocked/horror face. I know how he will react to a situation (including this one) before he does and I can even almost hear the sarcasm brewing from 4,000 miles away. I don't know about that. First of all - noone can be really 100% simply because we don't know the future. So getting married does involve an element of risk. And because of that - noone can claim to be 100% sure. I know I wasn't. And the thing about being challenged about your decision two weeks before the wedding is that.. its a time when you are happy - it's one of the most exciting times of your life.. and you want people to be happy for you. It's really upsetting when people challenge you on this at a time when you want them to be happy for you. That's what makes "talking about it" (we should say, justifying their love, relationship, commitment and knowledge of each other as part of their decision to get married) at a time like this.. a really awful experience for the bride to be. Yeah. Circe pretty summed it up. This is no talking. As Hers said, if we both posted about problems or complained about each other all the time I could understand someone wanting to talk about this two weeks before my wedding but we do none of that. We fight occasionally but because of the LDR we have learned how to quickly work thorugh those arguments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 you see people go into arranged marriages knowing barely anything about one another and it seems to work. i think that there is a tolerance there, and commonalities. they have a commitment to the marriage, even if they are virtual strangers. they'll get to know each other over time. i think having money helps, honestly. hiring a maid can prevent a lot of fights. not having to argue over money or stress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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