OptomisticGirl Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 Major headache. Almost finished my English assignment, sent it to L to see what he thinks and proof read (even though we aren't graded on grammar on this one thank God) and am about to go to bed. 7 am will come very soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted January 10, 2013 Share Posted January 10, 2013 you can always send it to me too! i was an english major! (despite my poor punctuation and grammar in this very post) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 Oh you can bet when it comes essay time you'll get an email M. L even said today, "I'm not the best myself at grammar." And I said "That's fine, M has an English major." Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 10, 2013 Author Share Posted January 10, 2013 Biopsy went okay. At first the doctor didn't even want to do one as most women have slightly elevated ANA's which can read as what they consider a 'false positive' so she had my blood work faxed to her. I also am having a 'good' day today and barely any spots at all and I know unless doctor's see a full blown episode they tend to (honestly) not take this as serious as I do. She came back with my blood work though and immediately said they'd be doing a biopsy, my ANA levels aren't through the roof but they are high enough to cause her worry. So they biopsied a spot on my right hip and a part of my left under arm. The actual biopsy itself was fine, I didn't feel feel a thing once they numbed the areas but the process to numb the areas, holy cow. I literally at one point had my face buried in the pillow and was shouting it hurt so bad when they injected the numbing stuff. I go back in a week to have the stitches removed (yep, got stitches) and they should have my results back by then. The doctor herself said with the high elevated ANA and the hives and joint pain, she doesn't see how it's not lupus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I know...it hurts But you made it through and you are closer to having a definitive answer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I am. My mom is praying I don't have lupus and I'm over here hoping I do because at least it's an answer to a 4 month old question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I always forget that we constantly heal, even for those of us who heal in a clinical way, and that sometimes even though we have healed the pain morphs into something else. My husband - who was a Samaritan for years - pointed something out this morning on something I bought up just on a whim to discuss while I was getting ready for work, something that in over 10 years of being a survivor I never put together and neither did my therapist that I saw for five years. Basically for as long as I can remember I have always had a fear of someone breaking in the house, whatever house I was living in at the time. It really isn't even a fear, that's the wrong word.... More like compulsive thoughts. That's a better way to describe it. And I alway chucked it up to me being digilent about my safety or even part of my OCD. Every night without fail thoughts of what i would do if someone broke into the house go through my mind and ill play the scenario out in my head and everything. the only time i dont do it is when im staying at my Uncle's house or L is with me. So I had a dream last night about getting robbed and again I thought nothing of it because as always I had been going over The thoughts the night before. I mentioned it to L just in passing and he was like 'You know why you have those thoughts? Because someone came into your bedroom at one time when they shouldn't have." And it just like all crystallized and made perfect sense. Def gave me food for thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I do this too. I am always terrified of someone breaking in. The only time I am not afraid is with my husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 OG do you fear sleeping next to the bedroom door ? I cannot sleep on the side of the bed that's near the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 OG do you fear sleeping next to the bedroom door ? I cannot sleep on the side of the bed that's near the door. No, I'm okay with sleeping on either side or the bed being close to the door. It's really not even a fear but more obsessive thoughts. I never think about it or run the scenario through my head during the day, it's only in the first 30 minutes of going to bed. Which makes sense since 95% of my abuse happened during the middle of the night. But I don't do it when I spend the night at my uncle's house or when I'm around L, probably on some level that has to do with trusting both of them because even when my mom spends the night with me I do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Same thing with me. Most of my thoughts are centered around bedtime. Same with me too I was molested in the middle of the night for the most part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I hate those creeps..... Grrrrrrrr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 I always forget that L was a Samaritan for years and has a knack for connecting things together like that. Like I said, in over 10 years of being a survivor I never saw the link, although I tend to fight against saying 'I do this because of the abuse' simply because of the way I healed. I hate contributing anything that I do to that because it makes me feel like a victim. L and I have actually never discussed my abuse in detail. He obviously knows it happened, he knows the age range it happened in and all that and it's not something I would shy away from talking about (I tend to be very blunt and open when it comes to that) but I think all that Samaritan training would just go out the window for him if we ever discussed it in detail. I call him my robot and he does have this knack for being able to flip a switch and make a decision or hear something unemotionally but hearing details from a stranger over the phone is a far different matter than sitting next to your wife telling you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I think Ls explanation makes total sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 It does very much so. I may look into going back to therapy for a short while to work on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I just recently made a connection in my life that is 33 years old. I am afraid of certain type of locks on doors. Mainly bathroom doors. If it has a certain type of lock I cannot go in there I get very anxiety ridden. I will usually either leave the bathroom stall unlocked or the actual door to the bathroom I will stick my shoe in the door. Or if my husband is with me I will have him hold the door. It is that or i don't go in the bathroom at all. What came to me a few days ago was the fact that I was violently raped in the bathroom. That was a daytime attack. It was particularly violent. I was actually blacked out for three hours. The nearest thing I can figure is that that bathroom had had the same kind of lock that I now fear. It is strange I didn't make that connection in the 33 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 They say we always continue to heal, even after we think we've done all our healing. And the more I think about it, the more I can't believe I didn't see the connection. When I fall asleep on the couch or in the recliner I don't have the obsessive compulsive thoughts, I don't do my nightly routine of making sure everything is locked (although to be fair I am a young 20-something woman living on her own right now, any smart woman would do that). It doesn't send fear in me or cause me to panic, it's just something I feel I have to do. I guess I would classify it more as a worry than a fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I don't believe that healing is ever complete in this instance. There are always little kernels of something that come up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 Working tonight then coming in tomorrow for first shift - fun. I've done 3 lessons in math so far (will probably do another one or two tomorrow after work tomorrow). We weren't assigned to do anything but the teacher said we could start I we wanted so I did. Doesn't hurt to get a jump start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 5 1/2 hours sleep, fun. I'm currently hovered over a cup of coffee waiting for 6:30 to roll around so I can clock in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 oh isn't that just the best feeling? ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 It is - sarcastically said. What the H is up with this weather the last few days? I mean really. Anyone else living in the south experiencing unusually warm weather? Like spring weather in the middle of Jan? I mean I'm loving not having to scrap my car window off in the morning but it's just... odd. No class work today. My mom and stepdad came over after I got off work to look at my car - been doing this weird stuttering thing whenever I start off - so they filled the transmission fluid as it was low but it's still doing it so at some point I'll take it to Auto Zone to see if it's a lose sensor or something. I did have a surprise though when they came, they bought Tyler! Mom stopped by my BIL's house on the way to pick him up just to surprise me. He finally got to open his Christmas presents from us and while they ran to Walmart to get the fluid I took him down to the playground we have and let him run wild. I swear that kid has so much energy! And he can say my name perfectly! Straightened up the house after they left, cooked dinner, and am now doing laundry and watching my soap before catching an early night for school in the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Global climate change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Home from school, ah! Letting the oven heat up and taking a break from all things school related until after dinner. Good thing since I have to read 23 pages in my public speaking book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkerbellkj Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Ugh I always hated reading textbooks. I love reading, but the second it was a textbook I would shut down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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