OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 So my sister and BIL went to my dad's today to see were everything was with the funeral plans and such and I have to say, what they told my mom and I when they got back made me PHYSICALLY ill. Literally I spent about 1/2 an hour in the bathroom throwing up it made me that sick. I don't even know were to begin... Apparently 2 weeks before my grandma's death she came out of rehab and the doctor prescribed 4 liters of oxygen and about 13 different kinds of medication. My dad's girlfriend (who was the entire reason I left home) decided, even though she has NEVER held a nursing degree or ANY kind of degree, that 4 liters of oxygen was too much for my grandmother and cut her down to 2 liters and was only giving her 1/2 of the 13 medications. And even on the 1/2 medication they were giving her, they weren't even giving her the full dose of those medications. So the last 2 weeks of my grandma's life they were basically suffocating her. They told my sister in the last 2 weeks she bascially became dead weight to the point they couldn't even move her to put clothes on her or take her to the bathroom. They just left her in bed with nothing but a bra and panties on and just put a pad under her. So, she died. Official cause of death was she stopped breathing - because, you know, if you don't get the right amount of oxygen that HAPPENS. Those facts alone had my stomach churning but the rest... her funeral is costing $6,000. It's literally one step up from being buried in a pine board box. Her church so far has donated $300 and that is all that's been donated so far. My dad is hitting every family member up he can for money BUT is telling them to give it to him, not the funeral home. Sketchy, right? We also learned they are buying her flowers from the dollar store and are burying her in a shirt and sweat pants because 'that's what she wanted'. F that. I know what my grandma would want to be buried in and even MY mother, her ex DIL knows she would want to be buried in a dress at least. I'm going to the damn store and buying a dress and DARING my father to not bury her in it vs. a damn pair of sweatpants. He's also not having visitation because they can't afford the extra 45 minutes (not that I would go anyway) and wants to do her hair and make up himself to save money. Well MAYBE if you hadn't spent the money she gave you to keep her life insurance up on damn World of WarCraft you could afford it! The icing on the cake was when my father asked my sister were I was. She lied and told him I was already in England (since my facebook is not searchable) but he told her that I should be the on to come up with at least half of the funeral cost because she's my grandmother. She's YOUR mother you pathetic excuese for a man. Not even that I should, but L and I should. I FULLY intend to let my husband handle the email that will be sent to my father because I will not call him. My grandmother was 90 years old. She lived through the Depression, WW2, burying 7 children, burying the love of her life and in her last few weeks of life she was treated like a dog. And even in death she is being treated like a dog. No respect is being given to her by my father, her SON, who told my own sister and BIL to their FACES 2 days after she died that they were excited to be going on a vacation because 'nanny isn't around to look after anymore'. THIS is the reason our children will have nothing to do with him nor even know he exists if I have anything to say about it. This is beyond forgivable... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 ugh, i am so sorry og. how horrible!!! i can't believe that all happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 I honestly wish I could say I can't believe it's happening either Annie but I'm not shocked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 maybe this is premature, but I can't help but wonder if this is something that the police can be called over - negligence (ie - not giving her the full doses of medications, etc...) they sound like they were really cheap and just didn't want to pay for her meds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I don't even know what to say, OG. Just reading that makes me feel horrible for her. I am so sorry that you got sick but I can see why. It angers me a lot to hear of when older people are mistreated, especially in their last days. The funeral arrangements sound abysmal and it's all his fault. My stomach sort of turned reading them. Doing HER hair and HER makeup and save money? God, that is horrible. I'm glad you're buying a dress. I hope you guys can get some more help from people to help bury her with dignity because I know you are saving to be with your husband too. My heart goes out to you and your whole family. Please remember to take a breathe, take care of yourself, and remember that while your father really did mess up and this is fault, you are doing your best to do YOUR right by her and in the end, that is what matters. I am not one to be like "blahblahblah Karma" but I do think that bad things do happen to people who screw over those who are in their last days. It's something you don't want to mess around with. I hope you can keep this in mind so you can get through this hard time and not let yourself be completely consumed with anger. Those who treat others poorly are treated poorly themselves and he will find that out on his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 maybe this is premature, but I can't help but wonder if this is something that the police can be called over - negligence (ie - not giving her the full doses of medications, etc...) they sound like they were really cheap and just didn't want to pay for her meds. There's a chance, but a lot of neglect cases are hard to prove, especially in cases like these where the woman was already near to death. "She wasn't taking her meds properly (had trouble swalloing, etc) so I couldn't give them all to her." "She declined her medication. I've personally seen some neglect cases come in in hospice and it's very easy for someone like me to tell, but easy to explain away, legally. Even easier when the person is already failing. The woman is gone now so we can't have her perspective, sadly. I think getting the police involved in this case may introduce a lot of drama without any sort of resolution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 There's a chance, but a lot of neglect cases are hard to prove, especially in cases like these where the woman was already near to death. "She wasn't taking her meds properly (had trouble swalloing, etc) so I couldn't give them all to her." "She declined her medication. I've personally seen some neglect cases come in in hospice and it's very easy for someone like me to tell, but easy to explain away, legally. Even easier when the person is already failing. The woman is gone now so we can't have her perspective, sadly. I think getting the police involved in this case may introduce a lot of drama without any sort of resolution. yeah, sigh. I know. maybe at best, taking the medicines would have added 2-3 more years on her life. and that's a good point, they can just say she wasn't taking them. ugh.(unless they didn't bother to buy them in the first place!) i have had the doctor write me prescriptions but say that i did or didn't need to fill them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 maybe this is premature, but I can't help but wonder if this is something that the police can be called over - negligence (ie - not giving her the full doses of medications, etc...) they sound like they were really cheap and just didn't want to pay for her meds. My sister is calling her doctor tomorrow and telling him what they told her (since they told her to her face). And that's the fact that makes me sick. They COULD afford her meds (she was on medicaid) they just refused to give them to her. They had her meds physically in their hands and was not giving her all of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 That is just horrible. Def sounds like a neglect case. I'm glad they are getting the doctor involved and see what happens from there. Your father is definitely going to be very sorry when he gets older, that's all I'm gonna say. Be respectful to the elders because someday, you'll be there yourself, that's what I like to tell myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 It's a new low for my father. I pray one day he's treated with the same lack of respect he has shown my grandmother. I personally will do the honours of making sure he IS buried in a pine board box. The fact is I don't see how they are going to raise over $6,000. I just don't. My father is trying to pocket the damn money himself so the state will bury her on the other side of the road. I told my sister if that does happen that we WILL save up the money and if it takes 10 bloody years we will move her next to my grandfather. We know it can be done because she had my grandpa's dad and a few of their stillborn children moved from another cemetery. Nanny bought 8 plots at the cemetery, 3 are vacant - well, 2 would be if she were buried there. The other 2 were meant for dad and his wife (at the time, my mom). Thank you Fudgie. It is so hard not to be consumed by the anger. It's one of those times I wih I had L's personality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I hope you guys can get the money so you don't have to move her later on. It is good to know that if he does pocket the money, then you DO have the option of moving her in the future once you do raise that money. It's certainly not ideal, but I'm sure she will understand, you know? In the end, she will be next to your grandfather. L and all of us here at ENA are here for you, always. It is very hard not to be consumed by anger, I can understand that. I think you are doing great so far by getting her that dress. Just do your best to use this time to reflect on her and her life, and remember her for how she was, and the person that she was. She is defined by so many years of love and family, not an end that was unfortunately soiled by your father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 Thank you Fudgie, it truly does help. I'm sure the anger will give way to sadness again but right now it's just raw anger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I'm so sorry b. Some people in this world plain don't deserve to live and it's sad that we can't do anything about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 OG, do not worry. There is a special place in hell for people like your dad and his gf. Just wow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 I have to believe bad people like that will have their day in the end. I just have to. We haven't disclosed any of her last 2 weeks to my brother - it would completely shatter him and I honestly don't know what he would do to our father. All 3 of us had disowned him before this but this is a brand new level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I have to believe bad people like that will have their day in the end. I just have to. We haven't disclosed any of her last 2 weeks to my brother - it would completely shatter him and I honestly don't know what he would do to our father. All 3 of us had disowned him before this but this is a brand new level. They do love they do. They get theirs. Your grandmother is at peace now. They can not hurt her anymore. I will say prayers for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Your dad will get it from karma or god or whatever it is out there. It will happen. This is a big reason I say you don't have to keep people in your lives bc "they're family". If they aren't healthy for you, you move on and do what's best for you. Sounds like that was a good decision for you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 Thank you Victoria and Hers. So to bring myself back into a more peaceful train of thought, I uploaded a few more pictures of nanny and me: image removed This was my first Halloween, I was an old woman, lol image removed image removed This is my dad, mom, me, and nanny my second Easter I bellieve. Shocks me how much my brother looks like our father. Only difference is my brother has sandy blonde hair. image removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 The one of her sitting in the chair with you as you're smiling and holding a doll really warms my heart. Made me tear a little. Your grandmother really looks so happy and she really loved you. Definitely concentrate on the memories and the pictures of her to get you back into a more peaceful state of mind, as best as you can. You will feel so much better when you do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 It's one of my favourite of us. I was the first grandchild so the sun pretty much shined out my ass, lol. It's why I've always been able to understand L' bond with his gran - who also thinks the sun shines out his ass because he was the first grandchild, the little blue eyed boy. I could do no wrong in her eyes or if I did, she would always tell me it's just a life lesson. Picking honeysuckles is always my favourite memory with her. It would be so damn hot down here but we would spend hours out there just picking them just to get that tiny little bit of sweetness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 That is just godawful! Man... I have no words. I hope your dad never gets to lay eyes on your babies. I know your nan will be looking down at them with love. Those pictures of you and her are so touching. She adored you! Hold on to those memories My favourite of my grandma is the two of us sitting on the bench in my aunt’s garden, two adults rather than a grandmother and granddaughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Sorry for your loss OG. It must be very hard for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 I'm so very sorry to hear about all this -- it's hard enough to deal with a loved one's passing, let alone the extra layers of outrage you're feeling. It's perfectly okay to be outraged and livid -- you'd have to be a stone not to feel that way -- but it's good to keep bringing yourself back to the love, with pictures and sharing memories with the rest of your family. In the end, love wins. You've done the best you can in this situation, and keep close to your heart that however your Nanny is buried, right now, it's more for the living that it's done properly whenever it can be -- for her, she is out there in a peaceful place, not a care in the world. Her world now is pure freedom, and this earthly stuff doesn't matter at all, except for the connection she keeps with you in your memories. (I love the pictures! The one of you dressed as an old lady next to her is priceless -- what a pair!) I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts, OG. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Oh Sweetie, I am crying tears as I think of your poor grandmother's final days! If I had the money, I would send it to you ASAP so your grandma would have the best funeral EVER! I don't even have words right now for what I think of your father! Grrrrrr!!! I will pray really hard that the money comes through for you guys! How did a sweet person like yourself come from an evil man like him? Amazing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntress0527 Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Wow that's just terrible. Could they be prosecuted? Is there any way to prove that they slowly suffocated her? I would be extremely livid as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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