OptomisticGirl Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 I've been mulling over how to write this post most of the day, trying to get my thoughts in order and just reevaluate the last 48 hours. I always knew yesterday would be hard (the last birthday for my niece I would physically be here for) but I wasn't prepared for how hard it was. I suppose you can't ever REALLY prepare for something like that and in order to do so you must go through it. But the sadness of not being there again wasn't what escalated the situation yesterday to the point I asked my husband to call me in the middle of the night (his time) and was sobbing on the phone with him on my drive back home. What escalated it was the basic core of who I as OG am - I'm a people pleaser. Let me explain. My entire life every decision I have ever made has been followed by 'Will x be okay with this?' 'Will x be mad by this?' 'Is this best for x?'- I have never made a decision in my entire life in which I didn't stop and think about how everyone else would react to it or how they would cope after that decision except twice - when I decided enough was enough of the verbal, mental, and physical abuse and left home at 17 and when I told L I wanted to move to England. At 17 in that moment of making the decision to walk to the neighbour's house and call the cops I didn't think about how everyone would be effected or how my father and grandmother would cope without me there, I just made the decision. And it was the most freeing moment of my life. I took control of MY life and made a decision that was best for ME. When I made the decision that I would be the one to move to England the moment I made the decision I didn't think about how people here would be okay without me or how those who 'need' me would cope without me... I made the decision (the best decision, in my mind) for the future of me and my husband (then fiance) and our future family. I didn't think about what was best for certain people (my mom, my best friend) and then make a decision about my life, I made the decision because it was best for US. I never even did that during our wedding planning! We loved our venue but we would have much preferred another location - however the moment my mom said I would be putting my guests out by going to the other venue I shut down and chose our venue because it's what SHE thought best. Wasn't what we thought or wanted - it was about our guests. Now, back to yesterday. On the drive home from the party by best friend turned to me and said, "Thank you for your help today, I couldn't have done it without you." I've talked about our friendship to some degree here and I've described it as she's always needed me and has been the only friend to ever really 'need' me. She comes to me when there is a problem, when she needs an answer, when she needs help with something... and I don't mind because as L describes me I'm a very reliable person. You need me and I'm there, especially if you are a friend. But because I'm a people pleaser I tend to take that reliability TOO far. I do things I don't have to or I think about how a decision I make will effect them when they shouldn't even be a factor - and that's exactly what happened in the car ride yesterday. When she said that I flipped that switch to people pleaser and started thinking, 'I can't move 4,000 miles away, who else is going to get up at 7 am and sit with her to reserve a spot for my niece? Who else is going to battle a 15 MPH cold wind to hang birthday directions?' So there I was, sat in the car with her feeling sad because it was my last birthday there (a NORMAL feeling), I was missing my husband because through the day I saw her and her boyfriend do all those little things L and I can't (hold hands, him give her a hug, her put her head on his shoulder - again, a normal feeling) and then the emotion that I can't leave because she needs me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 I practically hurried my good byes to them and rushed to my car so I could cry. I cried so much my eyeliner got in my eyes and they started to burn! I had to pull over and clean myself up. In the midst of that L texted me and I asked him to jump on Skype. Being the amazing husband he is he did and he waded through the initial tears and sobs and just listened to me. My phone was on 5% though and I still had 45 minutes to drive back home so I had to let him go. The entire ride home I cried. I cried when I got home, cried after I had something to eat, cried while I was posting pictures to facebook of the party. I cried so much my damn nose bled. Eventually I was able to calm down between Fudgie and Hers talking to me but Hers really was the force I needed. She forced me to look deeper than the surface feelings of sadness and realize I was about to completely change our course of action for one reason and one reason alone - I'm a people pleaser. Not because I thought it was best - because I've always said us living here would be better emotionally, never disputed that, that card has always been on the table - and not even because I would miss them - because again, I'm not naive enough to think I won't and I've always known that - but because I was trying to be there for someone else. Actually the part that stands out the most to me, and probably the moment I realized I was in that people pleasing mindset was when Hers asked me 'What's more important? Your own kids or a birthday party for someone elses?' It was the kind of blunt honesty L would have given me and it was when I really dug deep and realized the 3 layers of emotion I was feeling. On the normal level (and the emotions that were valid) was me being sad for that being the last birthday party. Completely normal. She IS my niece and I love her to pieces and I love being there behind the camera to capture all those memories for her. Also on the normal level was the fact that seeing a couple interact like 'normal' couples do made me sad and miss my husband. I've experienced that sadness before. The third layer and the none valid emotions was my desire to try to plan OUR lives around someone else's essentially. This was in no way my best friend's fault. She didn't say anything on purpose to make me feel this way or even push - it's just who I am as a people pleaser. So yesterday was a roller coaster of emotion and I wasn't prepared to talk about it - mostly because I didn't even know what I was feeling. I knew I was feeling sadness but it was all so jumbled and mangled together. I needed to sort through those emotions before I could even describe them. L of course just wants what makes me happy - that's all he ever wants. I feel bad for putting him through the roller coaster of emotions. I'm just ready for this year to be over with and to be with my husband... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 BIG HUGS!!! Don't worry. I am glad you got to go to the bday party. You will still get to see her grow up via facebook and e-mails. Maybe even an international trip every now and again! This is an exciting new time in your life, but scary too. Don't feel guilty over your decisions. This is your life, you only live once and you have to do what is right for you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 thank you Annie. I'm glad I got to go to and I didn't mind getting up at the butt crack of dawn to save that spot for her party (okay, when I was freezing I minded but hey...) because I am her Aunt. I did kind of play ask my best friend, "So when we have kids are you flying over after the birth?" to which she replied "Ah, yeah!". So that helped, especially since we won't be flying the kids back to the States until they are about 2 years old. You def. only live once and I'm super excited to start this new journey with L. It's scary in a lot of ways and there is a lot of unknown but excited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Oh - I want to point out - my friend got a job as a ticket agent for Delta Airlines, she now flies cheap all the time! She is from Europe and every once in a while is able to fly over there for a few days, practically for free. The time zone change is a huge pain, but you can look into a job like that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 It would be pretty awesome. Not sure what the nearest airport we would be living to. The discount as a airline employee must be awesome, lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Yeah, she only has to pay the airport taxes. Depending on where she is flying, that can be as low as $50. She gets a ticket for her and a friend. I know she can do this like once a month or something, but she can't always find the time. The salary isn't great, but the benefits are. She is the only bilingual Delta employee at that airport, so that was a huge factor in hiring her, I think. I thought L was thinking about working at an airport? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 That's pretty awesome, would def. depend if the benefits outweighed the less than ideal salary. I want him to go for the air traffic controller job (because I know how much he loves airplanes) but I think he's putting that to the side right now due to everything we will have to do once I move over because in order for him to become a ATC he has to go through school and the stress level is HUGE. That and he's been at a huge stress level the past year basically with training for this promotion next month, I think he just wants to DO a job without the stress of having to get everything right, be it for a promotion or to get into the ATC school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I hope you're feeling better, OG, we're all here for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 I hope you're feeling better, OG, we're all here for you! I am Heart, thank you. just took some reflection, advice, and a good night's sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 You know that dress we keep stumbling accross/pinning? Turns out it’s one of the Ariel dresses from the Alfred Angelo Disney collection. The Little Mermaid just happens to be my favourite movie EVER. How weird! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Is any part of it because moving is getting closer and closer, and while you are looking forward to being with L - it's a massive life change and knowing it's ahead has been causing you some stress that's been building up? If that was the case - that too would be totally normal. You should feel stressed and a bit anxious before a big life changing move, especially this particular one which will involve getting used to so much that is new, and leaving so much that is old, comforting and familiar behind (but luckily not Jasper!). If so, it's alright to feel this way. It's only natural and once you get there and start settling in.. it will all get so much better. I just ask that because - as you said - she didn't ask you to stay and she never would, I'm sure, ask that because it would put her needs and convenience above your happiness and I'm sure she wouldnt want that and doing that wouldn't actually "please" her - so staying isn't really people pleasing, right? All these people in your life (the ones that count the most) want you to be happy, first and foremost. And that means being with your husband in an environment that is best for you both; where you have to wait the least amount of time to start having kids etc. Anyway I think this is a hard time and it wasn't just leaving an abusive home that was brave - what you are doing now is brave too. It's ridiculously brave to pick up and start a new life in another part of the planet. So I think it's natural to expect to be feeling a lot of emotion.. emotion which is sometimes really joyful but othertimes not so much.. its good that you are getting it all out with the journalling too.. I find writing always helps when I'm sad.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 My best friend moved from Los Angeles to Alaska when she got married. I missed her so much I would cry myself to sleep sometimes (we were closer than sisters, we even call each other "sister"). I never told her how it felt on my side because I knew she belonged with her husband and friends help each other through life, they don't make it harder. I survived and so will your friend. By the way, she is moving back down here and leaving hubby up there (health reasons and she is tired of cold weather), so we will soon be living close to each other again. You never know where life will lead you, so just see it as an adventure, not a sad occasion. Besides, if you become too sad, you know that L would move to the States. You have a gem, so keep him!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 You know that dress we keep stumbling accross/pinning? Turns out it’s one of the Ariel dresses from the Alfred Angelo Disney collection. The Little Mermaid just happens to be my favourite movie EVER. How weird! That's a sign Sherry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 I don't know if I would call it stress but the closer the move gets it does bring up more emotion which I figured would happen - and as you said, part of the normal process to making such a huge life change. It doesn't make me sad the closer it gets it just makes me.... hm... more attunded to that the next 6 1/2 months is full of a lot of lasts with people. If that makes any sense. Staying wouldn't be a obvious people pleasing moment but I know secretly, however supportive they are in my decision, if I were to stay they wouldn't say, 'Ah no, you go ahead and move!' And I would feel the same. I'd be happy for them but if they were to change their mind if I were in the same situation I'd be giddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 My best friend moved from Los Angeles to Alaska when she got married. I missed her so much I would cry myself to sleep sometimes (we were closer than sisters, we even call each other "sister"). I never told her how it felt on my side because I knew she belonged with her husband and friends help each other through life, they don't make it harder. I survived and so will your friend. By the way, she is moving back down here and leaving hubby up there (health reasons and she is tired of cold weather), so we will soon be living close to each other again. You never know where life will lead you, so just see it as an adventure, not a sad occasion. Besides, if you become too sad, you know that L would move to the States. You have a gem, so keep him!!! Thank you Jig. We def. are more like sisters ourselves - she's an only child so I'm the closest thing to a sibling she's ever had and she's the sister the Universe didn't give me! I admit a part of me has always been worried how she will feel about continuing the friendship after the move but our heart to heart Friday night in the car really helped with that. She was honest with the fact she was mad that I chose to move away at first but that it was my life and I had to do what was best for me. She has an iPhone now too and with iMessage you can text between two iPhones for free - even between 2 countries because L and I do it - so because of that we can still have that basic form of communication. We'll just have to remember the time difference between us, lol! I def. do have a gem in him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 circe said everything I was going to say. Though you are excited, it’s also going to be scary and stressful. You’re about to make a HUGE change, and you’d be nuts if you weren’t anxious/emotional. What’s really cool though, is that nothing here on ENA will change. We can be your anchor to normalcy while you uproot your life (to live with your husband!!! How amazing will that be?!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thank you Sherry - I never thought of it that way with ENA and you guys being my anchor. That's comforting in a lot of ways to know my built in support network here will still be here when I move there. It'll be pretty freaking amazing. How many days left til the wedding? We are close to breaking the 200 day mark! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superfox Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I think i've mentioned before but I moved to a city 500 miles from my hometown when i was 8 and a half months pregnant! I knew no-one apart from my now ex husband. it was scary, my best friend cried and thought it was the end of the world. It isn't and it never will be. it's just a different life. You'll probably find, like i did, that you'll talk more! Facebook, skype, facetime, texts! None of these were invented when i moved but we'd catch up more often than when we lived 10 miles apart. I missed my best friend giving birth and didn't see her daughter until she was 2, she hadn't met my sons until they were older but they know she is their auntie and likewise with her little girl. Although i moved back I will be moving away again in the future - not as far though! And we will always, ALWAYS be there for each other. She loves my boyfriend, he even calls her 'Auntie'! So she knows i will be happy and looked after. That is all you want for your friends. Their happiness, paramount. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thank you Superfox. Our kids will def know she is their aunt as much as my sister and L's sister is, I'll def see to that. And my niece always lifts my heart when every time I see her she runs and gives me a big bear hug even though I might not have seen her for 3 months at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 We're cutting hours at work. Ugh. I have to leave half an hour every day. Every department from materials to nurses to CNAs have to. It's either cut hours now or 5 months from now be fired. The closest hospital to us just let 150 people go this weekend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 That's crazy. I'm sorry OG. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 It's rough. I'll have to readjust my budget and really hunker down on savings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 How many hours a week do you currently work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 76 for 2 weeks. We have to leave 2.5 hours per week so instead of 76 hours we are only getting 71. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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