civilservant Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I as a crafter am ashamed that I NEVER thought to decorate light switches with inexpensive scrapbook paper. Really? so simple, so cheap... Yeah.... You're not doing that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I am not say this does or does not relate to you but prolonged abuse, emotional,physical or sexual actually causes damage to specific areas of the brain. They compare it to something like a brain injury. Part of the brain that becomes injured is some parts that control emotions. So this can explain why some emotions can be out of control or exaggerated or not perceived properly. I am not saying that we can not control emotions or learn to control them, that depends on the person and their desire to do so. It is just sometimes harder depending on if there is any damage or the extent of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 LOL @ L. You don’t like pretty light switches? When my Mom did up my room when I was a kid, she used wallpaper for the lightswitch. I LOVED it. It was a rose patterned border, and she used fabric glue to put cut-out roses on my lampshade as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 I could def add some umf with the light switches and outlets, even if it's just a solid color other than that egg shell white! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daligal83 Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I thought of you girls today. There was a local women's craft show at Babeville (Ani DiFranco's church where she has Righteous Babe Records, it's stunning) and there were so many things I thought you guys would love. Some of it I looked as was like, I could probably even make that...and I'm not all that crafty. But I got some good scores. I got a gorgeous beach glass ring. It's a little too big but I'm going back to my parents next weekend and can stop at our jewelers and get a ring guard for it. I also got an adorable headband for my niece and barrettes for my younger niece. And these amazing copper earrings. I wish I could post pictures on here, I don't know if it's not on a website. There was just a lot of creativity there and indie music...and a food truck outside with locally grown food. So great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 I am not say this does or does not relate to you but prolonged abuse, emotional,physical or sexual actually causes damage to specific areas of the brain. They compare it to something like a brain injury. Part of the brain that becomes injured is some parts that control emotions. So this can explain why some emotions can be out of control or exaggerated or not perceived properly. I am not saying that we can not control emotions or learn to control them, that depends on the person and their desire to do so. It is just sometimes harder depending on if there is any damage or the extent of it. It's an interesting thought, to be honest. I mean, I healed in a very clinical way - it happened, I accepted it happened, and I moved on. I can honestly say I don't ever remember crying over being sexually abused.. ever. My old therapist use to try to do 'crying' exercises since in any other aspect of life I agree, crying is very theraputical and I always feel better after a good cry but I could not cry in the therapy sessions. I remember looking at her and going 'What is there to cry over?' and that's how I healed. I never looked at myself as a victim or that it was my fault. Bad things happen and I moved on. Now I admit (and my therapist warned me at the time) that because I healed this way I may not have any patience for the other kind of healing and she was right. I would never tell another abuse survivor they are healing wrong or that what they do to cope is wrong but hearing people call themselves victims is... I don't know. It doesn't make me angry but it saddens me I guess is the best way to word it. But I know to some 'victim' holds a stronger positive feeling that 'survivor' and for me it's opposite. And likewise, many people think I have just bottled up my emotoins over the molestation and just never let them out or never felt safe enough to let them out but I always ask them 'what is there to bottle up?' I have no problem discussing the events of what happened to me - I worry about telling others close to me because for me, I just give the details. No emotion or anything. Which is weird because I'm emotional in every other aspect of my life - emotoinal reactor, passionate about my views, about defending others - but in that area, there's just nothing. But in looking at it from another angle although I may not be bottling things in but other areas (such as how I react to things) is over compensating for the way I heal. I think a SMALL part of it IS who I am but the molestation and my home life growing up may have an effect on how I react to situations. Because to be honest I react just like my father did, minus the physical abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 We are done with the renovaiton wing. WOOHOOO!!!! I went in at 10 AM this morning (blah!!!) and I think I clocked out at 5ish. The only thing that needed to be done when we left was waxing the main hallway and the boys were about to start it. So happy! I didn't get a lot of over time - I actually only work 37 hours a week so 4 of the hours I worked today will go to that but I'll an hour or 2 of overtime - won't be a nice, fat check but it will be a very well rounded one, lol. I talked to L on the way to work today and discussed me taking the laundry position. He was all for it as long as it's what I wanted so I told the boss today for sure, 100% if they want to switch us I'm willing. The big boss is on vacation right now so I doubt it will be anytime soon. Only bad part about today was at break we were sat out in the courtyard and a new girl - or someone I have never seen, anyway- over heard me and my co workers talking about my wedding and she asked were my husband was. I replied 'In England.' She asked if he was in the military (most people's usual first thought when hearing that) and I said no, he lives there. She then asked the normal questions 'how did you meet him? Are you moving there or is he moving here? When will you see him next?' to which when I said next Oct she said 'why on Earth would you put yourself through that?' I just looked at her and said 'he's worth it.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrose85 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Okay, what you and L are doing would not be doable to about 99% of the human population. The most wonderful man in the world could beg me to be his but I would have to be in a LDR of more than a short length and I would say, "No thanks." You and L are willing to live without those little everyday physical gestures that mean so much to me. The nudge under the table, the whisper in the ear in a crowded room, inside jokes about people you see walking down the street, those kind of things. I could not have a relationship without them. Most people can't. And NO sex for over a year? Sorry, no can do if I love someone. You and L are unique and most people could not do what you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Okay, what you and L are doing would not be doable to about 99% of the human population. The most wonderful man in the world could beg me to be his but I would have to be in a LDR of more than a short length and I would say, "No thanks." You and L are willing to live without those little everyday physical gestures that mean so much to me. The nudge under the table, the whisper in the ear in a crowded room, inside jokes about people you see walking down the street, those kind of things. I could not have a relationship without them. Most people can't. And NO sex for over a year? Sorry, no can do if I love someone. You and L are unique and most people could not do what you do. lol, that part me lol Jig. And that's basically what I tried explaining to her - it's not that we don't WANT those things or NEED them we just feel going a short amount of time without them to be able to have them with each other the rest of our lives is worth the sacrifice. Because in our own little LD way, we do have those things. We don't have the physical connection on a daily bases but we have our little inside jokes and now with the wonders of facetime I can show him my surroundings at work and vice versa. I guess what trips people up is our relationship is like every other relatoinship in the world, the only thing we don't have is that physical contact - which to us is only temporary. I don't know if I could do this with any other man but L to be honest. And the no sex for a year sucks - MAJORLY - but thankfully this is the home stretch for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I'm with Jig that it's not just about physical contact -it's about the myriad of big and small and in between things that can't be replicated (good and bad!) without being in person regularly. Personally, that was also a big deal for me because I'd never lived with anyone before I got married unless you count two weeks once (where I gave up my home I mean and moved in) so that sharing of physical space and being around someone physically -no comparison to before we lived together and no comparison to the time in which we were long distance. We saw each other about every 11 days when we were long distance and knew each other from before so the transition/adjustment was minor but the transition to being married and living together - huge. I agree with Jig that you two are unique and I understand the reasons why you are doing this, of course! Edited to add- if I met you and you told me your situation I wouldn't have made the comment that your co-worker did - I find that inappropriate - the most I would do is congratulate you on your marriage and wish you and L all the best (which I would do for any couple I knew of, LD or not). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 I def. think if we had never lived with anyone before it would again, be an entirely different situation. We haven't lived with EACH OTHER but we have lived with others before. So while we haven't had that experience with us we also know going into it what to expect and what not to expect. I know when I moved in with my ex I thought everything would be perfect after that, that everything would fall into place - in fact, his true colors shone through even more after we moved in together. If the situation had been different we both are very for living together before marriage but (we feel) our saving grace is we know it's not going to be easy and sunshine and roses and we know to expect those little quirks you only find once you live with someone -being with him for a month physically I already found 2, lol - so hopefully knowing what we are walking in to will aide in that transition and my transition to a new country. I guess we look at our situation (and marriage) differently then your average person - we as kids of divorced parents know happily ever after is not guaranteed just because you get married, you have to work for it. We both hope we will last forever and ever but we also know that's not going to just happen - it's going to be up to us if it does. It kind of took me aback, tbh, but it's remarks I have heard our whole relationship and I can understand them to a degree. I know we are unique and we may make it and may not - only death or divorce will tell that - and that's hard for people to wrap their heads around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Who cares what other people think - it is what you and L know that matters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Who cares what other people think - it is what you and L know that matters. Exactly, and that's a lesson that has taken me the majority of our relationship to learn, to realize not everyone is going to 'get' our situation and such and that it's fine not to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Maybe you are disassociated from it? Meaning you can not view it right now in an emotional sense? I for one will not discuss the details with almost no one. I will say that I was molested and raped by several people from the age of 6 to 14, and raped at 19, but almost no one knows details not even my own family. I can not do it.In fact my family only knows of ONE person who molested me and not anything else. For whatever reason I can not bare it, and I think it is shame that holds me back. I think the court case though has A LOT to do with how I feel about it and how I was treated in that case. I also have NO memory of treatment. I just can not talk about details, it is emotionally and physically utterly exhausting for me. I can discuss how my father was emotionally and mentally abusive and he was neglectful and did not provide necessities of life, but the other stuff I WON'T discuss with people I know in real life not even my mother knows the details from my own mouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 If it had recently happened I would agree with you but 13 years? That's a long time to be disassociated with it. I just don't feel any emotion when talking about my own molestation (which is why I have no issue with giving details at all) but when others are molested I feel that anger that I guess I'm suppose to feel for my own molestation - if that makes sense. I just never saw the reason to dwell on the matter. I couldn't change it, I wasn't at fault. L knows (obviously!) that it happened but details, no. He and I both agreed we wanted to do that in person and the time we had together on trips neither of us wanted to mare even a minute of it with those details. Because L is a Samaritan, he's heard FAR worse than my story on a nightly bases before but never from the woman he loves - I don't even think L who normally can keep his emotions in check will be able to keep them in check then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 People can be disassociated for years or forever. I have forms of dissassociation that are 38 years old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 I don't know. I won't deny that the way I healed I essentially blocked off all emotion to it but my therapist didn't seem to think it was a bad thing, per say. If I had refused to talk about it as well I think it would be a lot more harmful. I freely admit I was molested, offer my advice and knowledge to others who have been and volunteer when I can (although it has been a while), I don't deny it happened or pretend it didn't (except when it comes to my mom, but that's more of a it's an unspoken thing between us). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Yeah, I can see why it would be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 i don't think it's a bad thing you're dissociated from it. i mean, if you let it keep bothering you, then he is still hurting you, 13 years later. that's too much power to give to a creep/jerk/molester/guy who should be locked away forever! when you move on with your life, you're reclaiming your power back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 I'm having a lazy day today. Didn't go to bed until like 4:30 last night and slept in until about 11:30. L and I were going to talk but he had a headache so we both took an additional nap then face timed for a little before he went to grab something to eat. I played around on facebook and with Tyler until he was ready to go to bed and then we facetimed again for a few minutes. The weekends always go by so fast. blah! I need to clean my part of mine and my brother's bathrom and some of the hallway but I just can't get motivated to do it. Or anything else, for that matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 i don't think it's a bad thing you're dissociated from it. i mean, if you let it keep bothering you, then he is still hurting you, 13 years later. that's too much power to give to a creep/jerk/molester/guy who should be locked away forever! when you move on with your life, you're reclaiming your power back. and that's essentially what my therapist said as well and how I feel. I feel if you keep going back to it it's only giving them power. most abuse survivors can overcome the initial feeling of have power taken from them in the sense he took what he wasn't suppose to by the sex act, it's the long range power struggle that really hinders the healing process of giving that person the power to still control your thoughts and your life. Same thing I said to my sister when she didn't want to post pictures of my nephew on facebook for fear our dad would have access to one. So what if he had access to a picture? He's not in his life, he will never know T - but again, that's just how I view things. I don't let the actions of others stop me from doing something I want to for myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 I feel so bad for my bestie. Her in laws are not making her life easy, at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 I just spent the last hour walking the bestie through changing her facebook privacy settings... wowzer, because facebook doesn't make it easy any more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 And I got my license with my new name on it - score! Now I can change everything else! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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