OG's Random Ramblings

[OptomisticGirl]

I felt like 20x better today than I did this weekend, thank God! I have been able to breath all day but on the flip side I have been coughing my head off. Ugh. I'd still rather be able to breath.

 

No workout this morning, stepdad is still home sick. Great. Talked to CS on the way to work since he had a headache all day and was going to call it an early night. Managed to open up a second checking accoutn (was trying to get a free $100 but I would have had to screw up my direct deposit and I wasn't willing to do that). I also got some pictures printed to scrapbook with, that only cost me like $4 for 13 4x6. Thank you Wal-Mart Kodiak machine!

 

Work was meh. Kept pretty busy the first part. I'm not sure where the H fall went. It was like 30 degrees today, good thing I invested in that thick jacket beginning of the month. It also started raining half way through work and was raining when I left. So it was wet AND cold. Wonderful.

 

My boss asked me to come in Friday (my day off) from 11:30 to 1:30 for orientation. I have been working there since March (although we officially went to work for the hospital in Aug) and instead of doing a whole day orientation like they normally do, they are only doing 2 hours (since we already know everything). Of course that would be right in the middle of the first half of CS and I talking for that day. Grrrr. I'm getting paid for it so I suppose I can't complain too much.

 

Mom wants me to decorate the tree tonight but I doubt it will get done. I didn't sleep well last night because of coughing, I don't go in til 5 tomorrow anyway, may just do it tomorrow when I wake up.

[OptomisticGirl]

And it's thundering and Jasper is about to have a heart attack... how this cat is going to survive a 10 hour plane ride, I never know...

[OptomisticGirl]

I have been awake since 4 AM, woke up with a head ache and nauseated, most likely from not eating when I got home last night from work. And I just haven't been sleepy. I got a page of scrap booking done though. I was one roll with that tonight. First time I have ever completed an entire page in one setting. All I need now is stickers and what not for it. I think I have some in my sticker stash.

 

I also have the world's best fiance. CS sent my Christmas gift ($70) and I can only use that on scrap booking stuff. His words. So I'm def. looking forward to that shopping trip, even if I have to drive an hour to the nearest Hobby Lobby, lol

 

I really am lucky to have CS. Indigo had it right what she said in her journal: Every woman should have a bad man in order to learn to apprectiate a good one when he comes along. And CS is such a great guy. And he completes me in every way. When I become emotional he's the logic in my storm of emotions. When I feel like I can't handle anything anymore, he's my rock. When I need to laugh he's always there with a witty comment or some hilarious story in which he hurts himself (he really is a bigger klutz than even me He's there to always tell me I"m beautiful, to encourage me in anything I want to do, even if it's far out there. I can joke with him about myself and my insecurities and I can tell him things I'd even be afraid to tell my best-friend.

 

He is my best friend. He's the first person I want to tell when something happens, when I do something stupid or funny I immediately email him. He has seen me at my happiest and he has seen me at my worst, and he loves me. All of me, everything from my insane love of Christmas time to my ridiculously expensive scrap book hobby to my loving side to my crazy side (and believe me, it's crazy...). He loves me for the good and the bad. And I know when I can't make it on my own, he'll be there to support me.

 

This is why I can' wait to marry this man.

[OptomisticGirl]

What a yucky day!

 

It hasn't stopped raining since yesterday at work. Rained all through the night and all day today and is STILL raining. On top of that a tornado touched down about 20 miles away from where I worked (while I was at work) so we were under a tornado watch until 10 PM tonight. God this winter weather. Where the F did fall go?!?! My pants got completely soaked walking outside to the break area it took me 45 mins just to dry off! And then on top of that, a cieling tile apparenlty became very saturated with rain water and fell, knocking a resident on the head and dripping water ALL over their room. Yep, I had to get it up. Was not happy about that....

 

After work I stopped by Wal-Mart. Picked up some extra sleeves for my scrap book and accidnetlly (okay, I did it on purpose) wandered to the Christmas section of the store. I actually did fairly well and didn't grab a lot, lol. Saw a bunch of Christmas scrap book stickers I'm going to get once CS's Christmas presents transfers to my bank account. It counts as scrap booking... I ended up getting CS a green stocking ('ll post a pic later) and got Jasper a new one (one of the small ones too. ) I also saw this Penguin sippy cup for a $1. I got it for my best friend (who is 22). She LOVES penguins. I figured she could either sit up as a nice decoration or give it to her daughter to use. Win-win situation!

 

I also went ahead and picked up CS's Christmas card. Do you know they don't make fiance cards? I mean really. For his birthday I had to get him a husband card. And I really did not like any of the husband cards there. I'm very picky about my cards. They must be Hallmark and they must be just right. If it doesn't make me tear up standing there reading it, it isn't good enough. I found one though that I liked. I'm thinking of going back and getting him something I told him HE should get himself (which he won't) and sending it to him along with his card.

 

And to top it all off my ssiter called me on my way home to tell me her and her husband are trying for the 2nd baby. Yes. My 19 year old sister, who has an almost 5 month old baby with major health problems because he was born early and who her and her husband currently live with his dad in a 2 bedroom house is trying to have another baby. I asked her what in God's name was she smoking when she made that decision. She says it could be after Tyler gets to be a year old or even after Christmas but they will start trying ASAP. I'm thinking, shouldn't you be trying to find a place first?!

 

And then my brother-in-law made the comment 'We got married first, we had the first boy, what if we have the first girl? Your sister will be pissed.' That kind of actually hurt my feelings a little. I mean, yeah, I didn't get to be the first daughter married nor was I able to give mom the first grandchild (I really had to work through that issue), I figured okay, I at least have a 50% chance of giving her the first granddaughter. Apparently not. Then I think my sister heard my mood change and was like, 'well look at it this way, you walked accross the graduation stage unmarried and unpregnant like mom wanted'. I was like 'yeah, that's all I have done." *sigh* Why does it bother me so much that of all people, my sister has everything I want? Yes, I'm getting married in 78 days and I'm happy, I can't wait to be Mrs. CS. And I know once we get settled in England and everything sorted and some money set back we will try for our own family (CS wants kids as much as me).

 

I suppose it's the whole we have so much that has to be done before we can start on what we want whereas everyone else gets to start it right away. I can hear my biological clock ticking now...

[hers]

babies having babies. that's nothing to envy.

[OptomisticGirl]

babies having babies. that's nothing to envy.

 

I know. I feel like such an idiot being jealous of my 19 year old sister who has a 5 month old with health problems, not even in her own home, and wanting to bring another kid into the world on her husband's Wal-Mart salary. But sadly, I do feel it.

[hers]

But you have common sense. THey may never have that.

[lostnscared]

Honestly, your sister seems like she is bringing another child into the world, when she is unprepared and probably not really financially ready to do so. In other words their having another kid for the 'heck' of it, and haven't thought it through about the cost, where they are living, and how her husbands walmart income can support 2 children and a wife. It's a sad situation tbh--and I KNOW people in that situation, and while it's cute and all, it isn't cute when their struggling because that 2nd or 3rd kid caused them to be set back, to not accomplish financial goals, etc.

I think that waiting until your financially ready, til CS has a stable career, and to where you are living with him and in a home(your OWN), to where you are older and more mature, is MUCH better than what your sister is doing. She'll be tied down with two kids, minimum wage, and living with her father in law. While you will have your own home, you'll be comfortable, and you'll have your kid at a much more stable environment. Good things come to those who wait.

I sometimes get jealous too of people in that situation. For instance my bf's cousin's wife is trying for her FOURTH child (she is 27 BTW) and they live in a apartment in a very bad area, her husband is going to be making 35,000(and that is supporting 4 people SO far). It isn't "smart" for them to be trying for their last child, but they are trying nonetheless. Those sort of situations are nice for those couples, but certainly aren't the ideal.

My biological clock has been on hold for the last few weeks, because I've realized that I just need to focus on the bigger picture. Try not to let it get to you. So you were "last" in some things. But you'll be the first to move to England, the first to live in your own house with only your hubbie, etc, etc.

[OptomisticGirl]

True. And I am getting to fullfil another life long dream in that I get to live in England. I know it isn't all bad, that I do have things going for me that she won't. I hope our kids never have this sibliing rivarly that we have.

[hers]

do you ever think maybe she envies you? think about it...you're marrying someone you love, not b/c you "had to" (since she was pregnant when they got married, right?). you're moving to another country b/c you want to be wiht the man you love, not living with your FIL b/c you "have to". and you're not having a kid b/c you think it's the right thing to do or b/c something is lacking in your life.

 

grass is always greener.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks lostnscared. That really cheered me up.

 

Logically I know how CS and I are going about it is the right way. Whenever I move over (Jan or May or 2012) we want to wait maybe 6 months to a year AFTER I find a job. CS's salary is great, he's in a very well paid field, but living on our own his income alone couldn't support us. So we want to spend that 6 months or year putting my income back kind of before we start trying. It's a logical and smart plan. And I know that.

[lostnscared]

True. And I am getting to fullfil another life long dream in that I get to live in England. I know it isn't all bad, that I do have things going for me that she won't. I hope our kids never have this sibliing rivarly that we have.

 

haha I think it's difficult to avoid it. I have sibling rivalry with my sisters over various accomplishment they have, and at the fact that most likely they'll both be very wealthy while I'll probably just be "comfortable"(but if I'm lucky I'll be wealthy too). It's hard. I sort of wish I did NOT feel inadequate or jealous when my sisters made accomplishments or milestones or decisions that I WANTED to make or that I WANT but that I can't have yet. It's sooo hard to think outside of it all and to just be happy for them and not feel like s***. IDK I'm amazed that my boyfriend doesn't have the rivalry with his brothers and sisters(and he is one out of 6 kids). I think families with girls are more likely to face that issue.

[OptomisticGirl]

do you ever think maybe she envies you? think about it...you're marrying someone you love, not b/c you "had to" (since she was pregnant when they got married, right?). you're moving to another country b/c you want to be wiht the man you love, not living with your FIL b/c you "have to". and you're not having a kid b/c you think it's the right thing to do or b/c something is lacking in your life.

 

grass is always greener.

 

Thank you Hers. No, I guess I have never really thought of her being envious of me. I suppose if she is she has never shown it. Then again she does have that middle child syndrome down to a science. That really helped me Hers. Thank you. I don't feel as bad now, lol. It's always a phase I go through for a day or two after something like this. I guess I need to start looking at all the things I will accomplish rather than what I haven't.

[OptomisticGirl]

haha I think it's difficult to avoid it. I have sibling rivalry with my sisters over various accomplishment they have, and at the fact that most likely they'll both be very wealthy while I'll probably just be "comfortable"(but if I'm lucky I'll be wealthy too). It's hard. I sort of wish I did NOT feel inadequate or jealous when my sisters made accomplishments or milestones or decisions that I WANTED to make or that I WANT but that I can't have yet. It's sooo hard to think outside of it all and to just be happy for them and not feel like s***. IDK I'm amazed that my boyfriend doesn't have the rivalry with his brothers and sisters(and he is one out of 6 kids). I think families with girls are more likely to face that issue.

 

I feel the same way, and I'm the oldest! I did walk accross the graduation stage unmarried and unpregnant. I attempted college. I like to think I have a straight forward head on my shoulder. I know what I want in life. I don't have this concept like my sister does of it's all about me, me, me, me. She screws up we all have to forgive her and pretend it never happen. I'm the peace keeper of the family and my mom expects me to be. But you are right, it's hard just to be happy. And it does happen with loads of girls, I'm convinced. Which is why I pray I have one girl and and the rest boys. If I do have more than one girl, I want her to be close to her sister. I can never remember a time when my sister and I were close. Even now after Tyler was born, there is still a huge personality gap between us.

[hers]

Thanks lostnscared. That really cheered me up.

 

Logically I know how CS and I are going about it is the right way. Whenever I move over (Jan or May or 2012) we want to wait maybe 6 months to a year AFTER I find a job. CS's salary is great, he's in a very well paid field, but living on our own his income alone couldn't support us. So we want to spend that 6 months or year putting my income back kind of before we start trying. It's a logical and smart plan. And I know that.

 

another bonus is that you guys are giving yourselves enough time to live with each other and be with each other and get to know each other's quirks after a relationship filled with so much distance. you're not starting a family b/c you've been married X amount of time...you're starting a family the logical way and b/c you love each other adn that's what you want with each other.

[OptomisticGirl]

another bonus is that you guys are giving yourselves enough time to live with each other and be with each other and get to know each other's quirks after a relationship filled with so much distance. you're not starting a family b/c you've been married X amount of time...you're starting a family the logical way and b/c you love each other adn that's what you want with each other.

 

I know. And I can feel safe in the knowledge we are doing it when we want, not when we NEED to. We will create the timeline and work around it, not work around something unexpected. This is my crazy side, lol. And poor CS has to deal with this on more than one occasion...

[OptomisticGirl]

image removed

 

CS's stocking and Jasper's stocking hanging in my room. It's too cute. I have to get mine out of storage at my best friends.

[Circe]

With your scrap booking skills have you considered making your own cards and writing your own message? For about a year I made my own cards for everyone - put heaps of time and effort into them and wrote everything myself and they all LOVED them. That way you can make a fiance card Not cheap though - as you already know with scrap booking!

 

I think your brother in law sounds a tad bit immature there.. it's not a competition and shouldnt be viewed as such and why would he want to piss off a sister in law that makes his life so much easier by dedicating so much of her time to the care of his son?

 

I agree that having another child in their situation sounds insane (so much stress and financial pressure - why would you willingly get into that??) and its obviously going to be an additional burden on you and your mum and his parents too as you already do so much caring for Tyler. Very annoying!

 

By the way OG - when you have a baby - your baby will still be the child of your mum's oldest child. That's still a special title

[Fudgie]

I can't believe your sister is having a kid like that. Completely unprepared and financially not ready for it? Lord, I can't imagine.

 

OG, you're going about this the RIGHT way. That's all I can say. I know it's easier said than done but forget about her timeline versus yours. You're doing things the "right" way here in that you're going to be settled and ready to care for a kid. She's not. When it comes to kids, this is just one thing that you just can't rush and she's going about this the wrong way.

 

I think your family with CS is going to be a lot more happy and stable than hers. Not saying that to be spiteful, but it's a fact. It's just so much better when you do what you're doing and waiting before bringing a child into the world so you can be fully ready.

[OptomisticGirl]

Indigo-- I did do my own cards for a few years but like you said, it can get SO expensive so quickly. I also live an hour away from the nearest Hobby Lobby ( and that has cut into my projects that I do. Apparently the UK has fiance cards though because CS found one for me, lol. I may make him one for V-day though....

 

My brother in law is pretty immature. He even started a fight on Facebook with CS months ago and insulted him over something completely stupid. Think of your typical Southern redneck and thats him...

 

I honestly believe my sister is looking at it as a dreamy thing. They have been together a year as a couple, got pregnant, got married... she sees it as this wonderful thing and yeah it is but she is blinding herself to the hardships and only seeing the baby. Not how things will be after the baby is born. I told my mom last night and she was not happy.

 

I have never looked at it that way indigo, thank you for that. I know my mom will always be closer to my sisters kids because ill be 4,000 miles away and she will only see them twice, maybe once a year, but I know she will still spoil them. Some how,lol

 

Fudgie-- I know, like CS said today, it isn't a competition. And we will be able to give our kids so much more. I can be proud of that. I need to put all that biological clock ticking toward working on this wedding first and then concentrating on getting over to my love.

 

My mom is also concerned, as a mother, about the fact my sisters pregnancy was dangerous. Her and tyler almost died. I don't think she is looking at that either.

[Circe]

Wow - they both almost died???? Gosh. It's weird though - seeing as she already knows what its like to have one - it's just insane that she can blind herself to the stresses and only see the baby. But I suppose any negativity from you guys might only push them more strongly towards the idea (esp her husband).

[sherryberrypie]

What a mess. Why be in such a rush? I'm so confused when people have a baby and then mere months later begin to be obsessed with the idea of having another. Let your first child grow and develop a little first, before you bring another child into the family. Especially in their case, with all of that additional stress. Do you think that they maybe want to experience having a healthy child, and that is why they're already talking about another? Sounds horrible, I know.

 

I can kind of understand your jealousy. My sister has been dating her bf for 6 months and whenever she talks about engagement, etc... I get this little jealous gnawing feeling.. and immediately feel guilty. She deserves happiness, to be sure, and she IS the oldest. It's just... I'd like to get married first haha.

[OptomisticGirl]

Indigo- they did. she started spotting at 29 weeks, the doctors thought it was a tear in her placenta but they couldnt tell. She went back and forth that week to the hospital, bleeding on and off. At 31.4 weeks she started bleeding again but she was pouring it, so much the table and the doctors pants were covered with it. They did an emergency c section and when they got tyler out, there was a line of blood on his chest. 30 more mins she would hace bleed to death and he would have drowned. Tyler was born two months early and spent the first month in the NICU. I don't see how she can either, considering she already regrets getting married at 18.

 

Sherry- she told me she wanted another because she wants a girl. And when i qsked her what it she had another boy what would she do, she replied, have them til she had a girl. O.0 I think it could be that, about a healthy baby.

[Circe]

oh.my.god. If that were me i'd have had my tubes tied. Wow - wow - wow. She must really want another child. I don't know whether to admire her courage and desire for this.. or to just..become increasingly baffled and speechless in disbelief.

[Fudgie]

I don't have a whole lot of admiration or respect for her because it sounds like she is rushing the whole process without thinking - can't be good for the child. You said she doesn't even have a good place to stay, does she, OG? Not a good time to have a baby at all because it sounds like she's not ready for it. I feel bad for the kid really. I hope she has her stuff together before she gets herself pregnant again or actually has the child.

 

Kind of reminds of this family friend. She has a young son with this man (who has BARELY gotten divorced from the first wife - heh) and apparently he was being dumb with the oven and part of the house burned down!!! OMG. Well, they were staying with friends til they can have the money and time to repair the place and then she annouced that she JUST got pregnant again while she was staying at my nanny's house and boy, what a happy time this is. Apparently, she planned it too.

 

Just not a good situation at all. I couldn't believe that she did that. Now the whole house thing is up in the air because the money that they would have been using on the house (ya know, so they can stop living in other people's homes) is going to her being pregnant and all. It's kind of weird.