OG's Random Ramblings

[metrogirl]

Here's a thought, why not have an ENA hen party if your friends don't organise one? I'm sure some of your pals here will sit and have a laugh over the internets with a glass or wine (or 3), it's be a laugh and a boost!

 

HAHA.....can you imagine the rambling that would take place? LOL I could join, minus the wine but if I take my Ambien for bed, be ready for some funny funny stuff because I am a hoot when high (on ambien). LOL

[KH26]

Gah, I know the feeling, OG, and it sucks! I hope you're OK.

 

ENA hen party sounds awesome haha.

[Batya33]

I think it's time to shift your expectations. Make a list -in writing so you can review it when you're feeling this way- of all the things people do for you and support you in (and the living with your mother is huge -I too kind of took that for granted at your age so I can relate to your not seeing that as huge as you do - I know you appreciate it but IMHO not quite enough given your description of what you're upset about). Also you changed your wedding date such that people had to change their plans too to accommodate the change - that's very nice/accomodating of them to do, no? And your mother is helping you by letting you order all of your wedding-related things and keep them in her home -a dress takes up lots of space and you've written about other accessories,etc you've purchased.

 

As far as the bachelorette party- that's not a given -that's something that some people have before their weddings. Two of my girlfriends who weren't invited to my wedding (we only had immediate family) took me out for a lovely dinner as my "bachelorette" (they would have done whatever I wanted to do) -it was so lovely of them - and you know why? Because I never expected it -which made it so much sweeter.

 

If most of your guests show up at your wedding that will be a huge success - not because of "you" I mean in general -that is the level of effort and time you should expect especially since you and L rescheduled -so they've also had to reschedule/juggle plans perhaps. I agree it shouldn't be "my expectation is that nothing will be done for me" -that's too low - but could you possibly lower it too "I am able to have a wedding in part because I live rent free and have time to plan it, most of my guests seem to want to be there for me on that day (if not all!!), my mother is helping me plan by letting me store all this stuff in her house and friends have already put time into helping me plan". Just lower a bit -it will make you feel so much better . Just sharing something I had to learn and still learn in a variety of situations.

 

As far as the babysitter stuff- do me a favor -hold all judgment on that until you have a child and you're asked to just get a different sitter. It's really easy for some people - I get that -for others near impossible. A day is a long time in a baby's life for most parents. Again that's my personal opinion and I would have wondered exactly what you did before I was a mom and that's even though I had tons of experience babysitting and teaching young children and babies.

[OptomisticGirl]

Here's a thought, why not have an ENA hen party if your friends don't organise one? I'm sure some of your pals here will sit and have a laugh over the internets with a glass or wine (or 3), it's be a laugh and a boost!

 

lol, I'm sure some of us would be banned of infracted for our drunken rambles.

 

I think you should say "ladies, I would really appreciate a bachelorette party..nothing major, but something where I don't have to plan and I can just relax and have fun." I'm sorry you're getting the short end of the stick.

 

I probably will but the point is - I shouldn't have to. It's like sayign 'hey, plan me a surprise birthday party.' Maybe I should stop being there so much for people, then I wouldn't expect the same when it comes to something like this.

 

I think it's time to shift your expectations. Make a list -in writing so you can review it when you're feeling this way- of all the things people do for you and support you in (and the living with your mother is huge -I too kind of took that for granted at your age so I can relate to your not seeing that as huge as you do - I know you appreciate it but IMHO not quite enough given your description of what you're upset about). Also you changed your wedding date such that people had to change their plans too to accommodate the change - that's very nice/accomodating of them to do, no? And your mother is helping you by letting you order all of your wedding-related things and keep them in her home -a dress takes up lots of space and you've written about other accessories,etc you've purchased.

 

As far as the bachelorette party- that's not a given -that's something that some people have before their weddings. Two of my girlfriends who weren't invited to my wedding (we only had immediate family) took me out for a lovely dinner as my "bachelorette" (they would have done whatever I wanted to do) -it was so lovely of them - and you know why? Because I never expected it -which made it so much sweeter.

 

If most of your guests show up at your wedding that will be a huge success - not because of "you" I mean in general -that is the level of effort and time you should expect especially since you and L rescheduled -so they've also had to reschedule/juggle plans perhaps. I agree it shouldn't be "my expectation is that nothing will be done for me" -that's too low - but could you possibly lower it too "I am able to have a wedding in part because I live rent free and have time to plan it, most of my guests seem to want to be there for me on that day (if not all!!), my mother is helping me plan by letting me store all this stuff in her house and friends have already put time into helping me plan". Just lower a bit -it will make you feel so much better . Just sharing something I had to learn and still learn in a variety of situations.

 

As far as the babysitter stuff- do me a favor -hold all judgment on that until you have a child and you're asked to just get a different sitter. It's really easy for some people - I get that -for others near impossible. A day is a long time in a baby's life for most parents. Again that's my personal opinion and I would have wondered exactly what you did before I was a mom and that's even though I had tons of experience babysitting and teaching young children and babies.

 

I do see it as huge and apprectiate her for it - it doesn't mean I have to squash how I feel even if it's something as silly as bridal portraits simply because I'm grateful to her.

 

I understand they aren't expected but because of me moving, I"m not having a bridal shower. So yeah, I'm being selfish and would like to at least know those closest to me DO care about me enough to think to actually plan something. And my idea of a awsome bachelorette party is sitting at home, watching chick flicks, drinking Strawberry Daqs.

 

I think you completely misunderstood my rant Batya. In no shape or form was I talking about our wedding date. For the most part, it was the bridal portraits and the bachlorette party. As far as people having to reschedule - out of the 50 people that will invited to this one 5 were going to be at the Feb. 16th one and all those are immediate family or in the bridal party still. So no reaccomdating for guests on that one. This is also the thing - I'm getting no help, said reason for rant. The ONLY time I have been given help without backlash is by my uncle and his wife. At every turn with my family they have bulked. We wanted to have to the wedding the in Gatlinburg last Nov? How dare we have it that far away, not like it's our wedding or anything. I wanted to have it an hour away from my home town? I caught flake for asking people to drive an hour to my wedding. The list goes on, and on, and on, and on. So no, I have not had help with this wedding. Not a single person from my bridal party has every called me and asked me what I'm doing, can they help with something. So forgive me if I'm not feeling the 'help' you somehow seem to see I'm getting.

 

As far as storing stuff - every thing for our wedding is store in my closet which is a miracle considering how tiny it is. It's not like a spare bedroom of my mom's is just filled with our stuff. Nope. And when that closet is full, I'll have to start storing stuff somewere else. Were, I have no bloody clue.

 

I understand it's hard to find a baby sitter but seriously? You're telling me for ONE DAY a parent couldn't find alternate plans? This is what I'm talking about. I feel like because I don't have a child like my sister or I'm in school like my brother my needs shouldn't be met because their's is too important. Yes, a baby is important and school is super important and I"m sure a silly bridal portrait isn't but to ME, it is. I don't have to invite my mom but considering I'm only here for hte next year and a half and all I hear is about my decision to move to England, one would think people would then take the time to spend me with, no? If I were asking my sister to come I could understand your baby sitting comment but I'm asking my MOTHER to come. Just because my sister has a baby does not mean when I need my mom should become second, even if it's for a bridal portrait. She has 3 children and this is one is starting to feel like the bottom of the totem pool when it comes to things.

 

I'm not asking everyone to rearrange their schedules for an entire week for me - I'm asking for one time my mother to go, 'I'm doing this with your sister' instead of me hearing 'I have to do this and this for you brother and sister.'

[OptomisticGirl]

My Ipad arrived!!! *does dance*

[renaissancewoman101]

My Ipad arrived!!! *does dance*

 

have fun with it. It is a neat little gadget.

[annie24]

Just a thought OG - do you think your mom isn't crazy about the bridal portraits because it makes things more real - like you are moving away for good once you get married? maybe that makes her sad? i dunno. just a thought.

[OptomisticGirl]

Just a thought OG - do you think your mom isn't crazy about the bridal portraits because it makes things more real - like you are moving away for good once you get married? maybe that makes her sad? i dunno. just a thought.

 

I think she's having issues with how large we are doing the wedding - ie. I spent $500 on a dress, $150 on the veil, $900 for the photographer - and that's not usual for this family, not that it's bad. I mean, my grandparents and her my mum got married at the courthouse, my sister got married at the courthouse outside area... so I think that may be a part of it. Unnerved may better describe it but you could be right Annie.

[Batya33]

No one said anything about squashing your feelings. I was making the gentle suggestion to manage your expectations for your benefit and happiness and everyone else's.

 

I would not be able to find someone other than my husband to watch my son for an entire day without lots of difficulty -searching for a sitter, interviewing a sitter, meeting with her to see how they interacted and then perhaps going back to square one -and that's without a financial issue as far as paying a sitter. That's just one example of where your expectations might not be entirely realistic in this situation -just something to think about -no need to get defensive or feel that your feelings are being dismissed.

 

When I moved out I wasn't allowed to keep anything of mine in my old bedroom closet- it all had to go. At the time that was annoying because most of my friends kept lots of stuff at their parents when they moved into tiny apartments like I did. Now I get it more. All about perspective.

 

You don't need to take my advice or agree with my opinion or find any of these examples relevant -but I am a bit hurt that you thought I was suggesting for a minute to "squash your feelings". I'd never suggest that to anyone -makes no sense.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'll admit your post came accross as very judgemental Batya. I of all people understand how hard it is to find a baby sitter - hence why my mom and I baby sit Tyler - but the issue needs to be looked at from my side. If you had 2 children and one had a child and the other didn't, and the none child had something important come up and you looked after your grandchild all the time - how fair is it to say that YOUR other child, who doesn't have a child, gets less importance put on them because you are helping out the other one? Not very much from were I'm standing and that's how I feel. I could understand your POV if I was asking my sister to come but I'm asking OUR mother... she doesn't have a monopoly on her simply because she has a child. Not saying she is doing that but it's how I feel.

[hers]

I can relate, for sure.

 

Instead of my BMs planning my bachelorette party together or thinking about what I want, one BM said "Isn't this the MOH's job?" even though the MOH was helping me constantly, even through losing her job, with wedding stuff. and their idea for me was to do a pub crawl. Anyone who knows me knows I don't drink. It took one of my BMs to point out that I probably wouldn't have fun at that, to which the reply was pretty much "but we would."

 

So I understand how you're feeling.

 

But at the same time, a wedding isn't everyone...it's the bride adn groom and we have to remember that. So having your mom be at your bridal portraits isn't a big deal, especially if life is happening on that day. So try to see it for what it is...an appointment that you have to make but it's no one else's appointment. It's the same as going to the doctor...you dont always need someone with you for that, though it's nice if they coudl be there, ya know?

 

Not trying to discount your feelings. Mostly just one bride to another.

[Batya33]

I meant it to be the opposite of judgmental - I felt the same as you did when it was my wedding -all I wanted was for my mom to invite me to stay over the night before so I could have the night before the wedding with my parents, so I could get ready in the morning with my mother there (I was also pregnant and tired so it would have been a help and they lived closer to my in laws' house where I got married) - and the response was that my sister needed to stay over and there wasn't room for both of us. She finally changed her mind but it was too little too late and I actually felt better and calmer staying at my place the night before. But I was hurt. I had this mother-daughter expectation and I felt squashed. Like your mother, she put my sister's needs first and when my sister had children she always came first ,it seemed in situations just like the one you're describing and I hated it. In hindsight, in the big picture - no big deal.

 

I'm not sure where my suggestion that you manage your expectations was judgmental. I think your feelings are entirely valid - and who cares if I think they are valid - my point was not about the validity of your feelings but a suggestion that you work on your reaction to your feelings mostly for your benefit -because the resentment gets in the way of enjoying this time and as you plan the wedding, marry, plan a family - if you can get more into the habit of managing your expectations (despite feeling what you feel) you'll get so much more out of these amazing experiences- more than you even are now -despite how happy you are now. And who doesn't want that?

[OptomisticGirl]

And I understand that, I do. I know she doesn't HAVE to come but she's my mom - first person other than my MOH I thought to ask to come. And if she can't fine - but it was more of the fact it was the same old song and dance as always - I was made to feel like I was inconviencing my own mother in asking her to come to something that is important to me.

[OptomisticGirl]

I honestly handle it better than what I posted on here. In RL I say nothing, I nod, say 'okay', and go about my life. I try not to inconvience anyone with the wedding details as much as possible - we even moved our wedding date from Oct. 8th to Oct. 15th JUST so my uncle and his wife could be there. Here is the only outlet other than talking L that I can actually say how I feel. I have tried having a calm talk with my mum about it and it's just like nothing - she doesn't see it. I have always been the pacifer of the 3 of us. Sure, I have a temper and I do let my annoyance at the situations show through sometimes but at the end of the day I shut up, keep moving, and keep planning.

[Batya33]

I honestly handle it better than what I posted on here. In RL I say nothing, I nod, say 'okay', and go about my life. I try not to inconvience anyone with the wedding details as much as possible - we even moved our wedding date from Oct. 8th to Oct. 15th JUST so my uncle and his wife could be there. Here is the only outlet other than talking L that I can actually say how I feel. I have tried having a calm talk with my mum about it and it's just like nothing - she doesn't see it. I have always been the pacifer of the 3 of us. Sure, I have a temper and I do let my annoyance at the situations show through sometimes but at the end of the day I shut up, keep moving, and keep planning.

 

Good for you! My mother didn't see it either. I was 19 when my sister got married, 21 when she had her first child, lived at home till I was 28 and I so often felt like a second class citizen because I was single and didn't have children.

[KH26]

Sorry to jump in. Was wondering about the iPad, OG. How long did it take to get there after? Was it all OK after then, it didn't get lost?

[OptomisticGirl]

I think L shipped it on March 24th soooo 13 some odd days? It was probably in customs for about a week or more since sending cards usually only take like 10 days. It was perfectly fine! The package was a litter battered. Here, I'll post some pics:

 

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[SayWhen]

Where are you getting your portraits done? Can't your mom bring Tyler along? I don't have children but I was a 50+ hour a week nanny to "two under two" and I know it's a pain to bring children along but...why not? Heck, when I went to the DMV to get my new license photo taken I had the kids with me...wasn't a huge hassle aside from the two-year old crying because he wanted his picture taken too

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm having them done at a local park area. I wouldn't mind him being there but I don't think she is okay with it. I don't know. I wouldn't care though.

[sherryberrypie]

I can relate to feeling like the bottom of the totem pole... but you know what it likely is? Your mom sees that you are grown up, ready to start a family of your own, and you are independent (yes you live in her house, but you're not mooching) she sees it as you are getting ready to fly the coop, so she is distancing herself and focusing on the daughter who still really needs her, although she is married and has a child of her own. Obviously your sister needs her for a variety of reasons. I'm not discounting your feelings at all, but for many women, part of growing up is learning how to get by without your mother... unless you have one of those super close relationships.

[OptomisticGirl]

We are super close. But you may have hit it on the head on Sherry, although there may be another reason rather than her distancing herself. I didnt have her in my pivotal teenager years like my sister did, we were all still mainly living with our dad - they had joint custody. I moved out of his house when i was 17 and have been on my own since. In a variety of ways I had to grow up over night and while I had her support, she wwsnt there, you know? But my sister got her in those pivotal years. My mom alwways said she never really eorried about me not getting through life because I was like her in that sense - emotionally strong and mature.

 

So maybe its more of she doessnt think I need her as much because we are so much alike, which we are. It's why we butt heads so often. I can stand on my own two feet, no problem hut every girl wants her mum involved in her wedding.

[sherryberrypie]

Just let her know that

[OptomisticGirl]

Is so ready for a day off!

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm currently typing this from my IPad. it's taking some getting use to for sure, and L will def. Have to walk me through some stuff. Like just now I learned how to capitalize, lol!

 

And just now how to make paragraphs. It's def an awesome toy and I'm sooooo thankful L got it for me. The best birthday gift ever. Everyone at work agreed it was an awesome gift.

 

I'm still eating good, just no gym while I'm cramping.

Breakfast - cereal with 2% milk

Lunch - healthy choice lemon chicken, shrimp, spinach, broccoli, and red peppers meal

Glass of coke

Dinner- couple of bites of a bacon sandwich

Small pizza

Two glasses of dr. Pepper

 

I really didn't need that pizza but had it just to have something. Slowly working on that.

 

L and I didn't talk as much today since a United game was on but we did get to webcam at least.

[KH26]

I am sooooo jealous of the iPad! Is typing really difficult on it? Because I'd imagine the keypad is a bigger version of the one that's on the iPhone which I thought must be really hard to type much on?