Help Getting Ex of 4 Years Back

[DeepestBlue]

Yeah. I'm fine with it.

 

I have a feeling going for coffee would be more uncomfortable because then we'd just be sitting there staring at each other for god knows how long and I'll probably say a bunch of stupid stuff without thinking. not to mention I'd have no idea what to do afterward and probably have to come up with an excuse to see someone else to cut things off.

 

At least if we're walking around and have stuff to look at it should be significantly easier.

 

I think it's also my attempt to stress that we're not just friends, and that I won't ever be willing to just be friends.

 

Plus I don't think I'd have a very fun time there with anyone else.

 

I think if he'd been uncomfortable with it or taken issue he would've said no or suggested something else.

 

I can always change the plans or cancel if you guys think it's a disaster waiting to happen... It's always possible I'm blind to something that you guys see more clearly.

 

By the way, let me just say again the 5 months of NC/LC were the best thing I could've possibly done. Not only did it work with the whole push/pull thing and making him contact me, but it also gave me time to clear my head and work out some of my own issues and assess the relationship and what I could improve upon myself.

 

Even if nothing comes out of this, it might be some kind of closure I'm seeking. Who knows.

[DeepestBlue]

I had posted something on facebook, and my ex commented on the post.

 

Then immediately went on MSN and we the following conversation ensued:

 

Him:

hey

 

Me:

hi

 

Him:

i saw drew tonight it made me think of u (he's referring to one of my best friends back home)

 

Me:

oh great, i guess i'm like his sibling then lol

 

Him:

no just a lot of memories

 

Me:

yeah well

most of my memories of Drew

involve him hitting me with wires

 

Him:

lol

 

Me:

or rolling around in a giant foam ball

 

Him:

i remember that

 

Me:

lol yes

 

Him:

i'm sorry for bothering u i've had some drinks and i'm just reminiscing

 

Me:

it's fine

 

Him:

how are u?

 

Me:

i'm awesome

how's your trip so far?

 

Him:

grey and gross

 

Me:

* * *

but aren't you visiting your friends and family?

i mean its (city name), of course it's gonna rain.

 

Him:

it's depressingly grey here

yes friends/ famoly are fun but

 

Me:

?

 

Him:

i miss the sun

 

Me:

well there's no sun over here

 

Him:

**family

 

Me:

maybe you should've gone to hawaii or something

 

Him:

lol

 

Me:

or arizona.

 

Him:

i miss u

 

Me:

ok.

 

Him:

i'm sorry

 

Me:

well i'm going to be there in a few days

 

Him:

inappropriate time i'm sorry

 

Me:

lol

yeah srsly.

 

Him:

forget i said that

 

Me:

like WORST TIME EVAR. hahahaha

 

Him:

sorry

 

Me:

lol it's fine

you're just tipsy or w/e

 

Him:

that too but i miss talking to u

 

Me:

you've been busy with school.

Him

tht i have very busy

*that

 

Me

well that's the way it goes

 

Him:

i have to take my pants off one sec

 

Me:

ROFL

ok thanks for sharing

you could've just said brb

 

Him:

lol 4 yearrs

 

Me:

LOL

 

Him:

\\u've heard worst

 

Me:

you're so dirty.

 

Him:

lol no

honest

 

Me:

meh.

 

Him:

if i started talking abiut ur butt that would be dirty

 

Me:

well why would you want to do that

 

Him:

lol no i'm just clarifying

 

Me:

lol ok

fair nuff

 

Him:

yup

 

Me:

mhm...

 

Him:

so what's new?

 

Me:

tons

but mostly just exams

how about you?

 

Him:

tons

 

Me:

cool.

 

Him:

finals proects etc

 

Me:

you'll have to tell me all about it

anyway

I think you passed out.

Bye.

 

 

1) He said he misses me (first time he said that upfront)

2) He seemed flirty.

 

Does this indicate... anything? I don't know. After all, he was apparently inebriated.

 

My goal in the conversation was to stay light-hearted and crack jokes as well as being a little bit flirty, even when he tried to make the topic serious.

 

Either way, this still doesn't change my plan for when we meet up in a few days' time. Just because he "misses talking to me" doesn't mean he's interested in genuine reconciliation, and him "reminiscing" is him living in the past- not the future. Any reconciliation we have has to be a future-seeking one, not a past-looking one, or we'll just repeat the same mistakes as before, as far as I can see.

 

Anyway, is this convo a good sign, or does it not really change anything? Thoughts?

[DeepestBlue]

I only managed to talk to one friend on the matter. My friend said it seemed like the 21st century equivalent of a drunk-dial.

 

I called my ex up today to confirm our meet-up on thursday, as I said I would. We had a relatively brief conversation. He asked if I was in town yet. I said I wasn't, and explained that my last exams are tomorrow.

 

We decided to meet up downtown. He mentioned that he knows I have trouble waking up, so it'll be dependent on me what time we meet. I said that I actually do wake up now (something I've changed about myself- good way to show I'm a different person now). He seemed surprised at that, actually (he'll be more surprised by my new haircut since it's a pretty radical change- something he'd always said no to when we were together, and my new clothes!).

 

I also saw a pic of him online, it was a status update. He has this really hideous moustache now. Maybe it seems silly, but I'm not really anxious to meet up with him after seeing that. Actually, I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep from laughing. What a total turn-off!

 

I feel like I'm really at a crossroads here. I know reconciliations take time, and such- but time we haven't got, living in different cities the way we do. And I'm just not going to wait around forever. I'm giving him this one chance to impress me- and if he fails, I think I'm going back to NC. Maybe forever. Not sure. I just don't see any point in letting him jerk me around with exactly the kind of crap he did during that MSN conversation.

 

I'm at a point where if he wants to work on building a new relationship, I think I could do it. It'd take maturity and effort from both of us. But it's up to him to come to me with the proposition. I'm not waiting around forever for him to get his act together- he's had 5 months, and is saying he misses me now (although drunk during). If he doesn't want to reconcile, then I don't see any point in letting him in my life. The best way to get past this is going to be NC. So that's what I'll do to truly move on once and for all.

[SethSLC]

Hmmm...

 

Well, he's a guy. We are lead to believe our entire lives that we're supposed to be dominant, stoic, controlled, alpha male-esque. All those things lead to us having an inordinate amount of "Pride", and that is a killer when it comes to expressing how we might be feeling. Hell or even facing what we might be feeling within our own mind by ourselves. One thing that almost always seems to be able to make us forget all that stupid "Pride" stuff tends to be alcohol.

 

Yes it sounds sort of like a drunk dial, but I would wager that there is more to it than that. I would expect that the alcohol started causing feelings to surface in him which he was trying to share. We're not very good at it most of the time. We tend to stumble our way through expressing ourselves. But one thing you can be sure of alcohol gets rid of any lies. If we're attracted to someone and we just want to have sex then it will cause us to act on it. If we like someone we'll tend to act on it. If we care about someone or have a so called secret crush we'll act on it when at other times we would hide all that stuff.

 

You know him better than we do so you would be a better judge of character as far as whether or not he is prideful, but to me that's how it came accross. As a guy who had drank a bit too much, which allowed his walls to come down some and he started to tentatively show some true feelings, all the while playing it somewhat safe to keep from being rejected (most of us fear rejection because we take it as a rejection of all that we are instead of a simple not interested).

 

My take is that there is something there. That it's not a booty call. That he is feeling your feelings out in a way so as to stay guarded and not get hurt by being rejected. How deep his ... whatever it is ... is, well that's only something you can gauge when you interact with him face to face.

[DeepestBlue]

My friend also chalked it up to stoicism.

 

It's definitely something I recognize him having done before. Over the summer one of the issues was that he had no money and I was paying for most things. He didn't like the situation, but hated it even more any time anything about money was brought up, or the fact that he hadn't paid for anything- especially if it was in front of anyone, even his roommates. I was like "What does it matter, it's just your roommates, they know everything about you anyway!" but he clearly saw it as a stab at his male ego/pride.

 

He was also raised in a pretty masculine stereotype embodying culture I guess.

 

Either way, my issue is that I don't have patience or energy for games.

 

"I miss you" and "I miss talking to you" isn't an admission of anything about wanting to date me. He could miss having me in his life- but still want to just be friends. That's where the problem really lies for me. I've made it clear a number of times I don't just want to be friends.

 

I think the 5 months NC/Super LC have at least made him begin to realize what he's missing out on. Maybe he needs more time to evaluate whether he wants the relationship again- I don't know.

 

All I know is I'm a little tired by all of this. I don't know that I have the energy for it anymore. At a certain point, I don't know if I'm going to want to give him another chance.

 

It's silly, too. It's not like he should have any reason to be afraid I'm going to reject him. I bawled my eyes out for like a month and did all the pleading/begging/stupid stuff for quite a while back in July. And in August I called him about a month after NC asking him if his position had changed and he said no.

 

Can it really be that 3-4 months later he's done a 180, and is concerned that I have too?

 

We had another text message conversation last night after the phone call where he said things like *hugs* and Night! Which are really the kind of thing you would send to a friend.

 

This situation is kind of irritating. I feel like when I meet up with him he's just going to act like we're friends or something. And I have to play it cool rather than mentioning anything about the relationship or putting my cards on the table. Frustrating.

 

As I mentioned, we don't have a ton of time to try and work this out. We only have this 1 day scheduled to meet, and we're only both in the same city for 7 days' time. At least 2 of which I know he'll be with his family. And the only way we can meet afterward is if we stay the weekend at each other's place since we live about 4-5 hours apart. And that just seems a bit too intense for a reconciliation...

 

I don't know how this can possibly work.

[SethSLC]

1. We don't call and / or text a woman that often that we are not interested in.

2. We don't setup meetings to hang out with a woman that we are not interested in.

3. Why don't you have time? Are you dying? Is he dying? No? Good, because everything else is just an excuse that you don't have time.

4. He may very well feel everything you want him to feel, but remember that thing called rejection? Ya its a * * * * * and will often keep us from laying it all on the line.

 

 

You are putting way, way, way! too much pressure on yourself and on the situation. You've got to relax and let things happen naturally. If you want to mention the relationship do it, if you want to put your cards on the table do it. But stop worrying so much about the outcome, about the time frame, about how things will work. All that worry is doing you absolutely no good, and in fact it's making things worse for you.

 

Take a few deep breaths. Then look back on your life. Try thinking about all those times in your life when the current situation at the time seemed to bad, so grim that you wondered how you were ever going to get through whatever it was....and yet here you are. You obviously made it through all those times.

 

Life is funny that way. We get into trouble or things start to go wrong and we begin to wonder if we'll ever make it through. We can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and yet somehow, someway we always manage to get through it. That's because Life has a way of working out. You don't know how, you don't know why, but it always does.

 

And just like that your meeting with him will have a way of working out. The time frame will have a way of working out. The distance thing will work itself out. If you reconcile then all the rest of it will work itself out. If you don't reconcile then it will work itself out.

 

Stop worrying so much and just smile

[DeepestBlue]

Ok. Not sure where to begin.

 

Yesterday I met up with my ex. We met up downtown and went to our favourite restaurant in town to grab lunch. Neither of us had discussed presents, but sure enough, we both had one for each other.

 

I used to make him a Christmas CD every year, so that's what I did again. I drew a picture of my ex as the CD cover. I also gave him this stuffed animal from a crane/claw-game that I played forever to get. And the blank postcards from my summer- the ones I never knew what to write or had the guts to send. When my ex saw that stuff he started crying.

 

He got me a blank notebook and his card was adorable, it said "Merry Christmas! I'm really happy that I get to spend the day with you!".

 

The whole lunch he kept "fixing my outfit" for me or coming up with excuses to touch me.

 

After that we did some shopping. Our conversation was mostly pretty light. I asked him a lot of questions about his life, and let him go on about all the things he's been doing. I gave away very little about what I've been up to in terms of details. He did ask if I'm with anyone right now, and I said no.

 

When we were shopping he got very close to me a number of times. He was teasing me a lot and being playful and silly, often involving some physical contact.

 

We went for a walk and talked about some other stuff. He told me he's slept with other people since we broke up. I think I took it pretty well.

 

He also told me he was thinking of going away for 6 months to do an internship in Europe. But he asked me if I was okay with him telling me that, because when we were together I'd probably have been upset at the thought of him going away. I told him I was fine with it and it didn't bother me.

 

At some point while we were shopping he kept saying he couldn't stop thinking about things- like kissing me. Finally we just ended up kissing- a lot. But he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, and that it was like a one-off thing because he was just back home. I asked him if it was like replaying an old record.

 

He mentioned that he doesn't want to tell any of our mutual friends that we made out, and not to be offended. I told him I didn't mind either way and it didn't matter to me what he told or didn't tell them.

 

At one point he pulled me off to a side-street to talk and started crying and saying he was really sorry that he was such a jerk to me, and that he had ignored me for months, etc. He explained that he hadn't been happy toward the end of our relationship, and that I didn't seem like I cared- and then right at the end when I did suddenly care and wanted to make things work, he didn't have any energy left and couldn't handle it anymore. And that's why he just ran away and avoided me and ditched me. I told him it was fine and the past is the past. He told me whoever I end up with is a really really lucky guy. He also said he missed me a lot and thinks about me all the time.

 

We did a bit more shopping and then went to the light show. On the way there my ex kept saying how attracted he was to me, but he stated he's not ready for a relationship yet. He doesn't think he's "found himself" the way I've found myself, and he doesn't think that he's over the old relationship yet.

 

During the light show, his friend (the one I couldn't stand who he became friends with over the summer) was texting him because his friend potentially has some kind of medical illness that could be serious (maybe life-threatening, I don't even know), and his friend had just been to the doctor about it. My ex was like "It's ok, I'll just call later" and I'm like "No, go ahead and call now." So my ex called his friend, but his friend wouldn't tell him anything. His friend knew we were together and wanted my ex to just have fun with me.

 

We went through the light show and just had fun. Time seemed to fly by. Our conversation was a lot lighter. We bought popcorn and coffee and cider. There was a lot more making out involved. My ex kept making remarks about how he just wanted to sleep with me so badly.

 

When we were leaving my ex couldn't keep his hands off me and just kept saying he really wanted to have sex. Well. There was a wooded park about a block away, so we went and did it.

 

Afterward I walked him to the station so he could get back downtown to a club event his friend was promoting. During the walk he said that it felt like he had some kind of closure from the bad stuff that had happened in the past between us. He kept asking me if I was going to be ok with what happened, etc. etc. and I told him I would be fine. He mentioned that all the people he slept with since we broke up, he did so to try and get his thoughts off of me.

 

I told him I'm at the point where if he doesn't want to date me, I can handle it. Because I don't need "someone" or anyone, really.

 

He told me it was "weird" because he hadn't expected any of what happened to happen. He said he just expected things between us to be "cordial".

 

He asked me to text him when I got home to make sure I got home ok (kind of weird given I live like 10 blocks away from where we were), and I did so. I thanked him for the night and said I had a good time, and told him I'd talk to him soon.

 

We're supposed to be meeting again with some mutual friends in about 3 days, just to grab lunch.

 

. . . So. That's about the extent of it.

 

I think it's clear he's not ready to get back into a relationship. My read on things is that he's confused- he's still very physically attracted to me, but he's locked himself away emotionally. He also seems to be a bit stuck on the past.

 

If I can see the situation as picking a fruit, it seems like this one is unripe- simply because he's not in a state of mind yet where he's comfortable being in a relationship with someone again. I genuinely do believe all the things he told me.

 

Any advice on how to proceed? I was thinking to stay in a bit closer contact this time around. It's clear that we're not just friends- which I think was my aim (not to get friend-zoned... I'd say it's pretty clear I haven't been), but he's also not ready for a relationship right now.

 

I'm not going to hold out any high hopes of actually getting back together- but I do miss having him in my life, and it's clear he misses me too. I don't think cutting off all contact at this point will help me to "move on" or "get over things" any better than I already have- I've already done that for 5 months.

 

So is there any harm in just staying in general contact from this point on?

 

As for my feelings- did it hurt me that he has plans to do this internship? I haven't seen or talked to him in about 5 months. What's another 6? It's not like he's going to die, we'll still be able to talk occasionally if we wanted to.

 

Did it hurt me that he slept with other people? Maybe a little- but I also knew it was going to happen. I think I'm mature enough that I realize I have no sort of exclusive right or ownership over him. He mentioned to me that when he does do it, it's just sex and then he leaves right away. I don't envy that, really- so I don't really feel jealous about it. It's not really as though he loves or cares about these other people, he's just satisfying his own needs.

 

Do I regret what happened/have false hope now/feel broken up about it? No. I knew what I was getting into and that he's not ready for a relationship.

[professorplum]

You sound very philosophical and calm about things. Lets face it things could have gone so much worse than this. You have been 'rewarded' for your recent approach to this situation and you appear to have come out of this with dignity and respect. Good news.

 

Clearly you are not friends only and the question is at what stage can this been transferred into a real relationship again.

 

You want to hang in there and I don't blame you at all and if you can carry on not knowing for sure how this will pan out then clearly NC etc is not appropriate. If you believe what he has said and there seems no reason not to, it would appear that you need to be patient, follow his lead to some extent and see how this goes.

Hope it works out in the new year. You sound very much as if you can get on with your life anyway whether this works out or not and of course that is how you are going to have to be.

The strength you have shown in not being friendzoned is an example to me for the new year so thank you for that and good luck.

[hulk7280]

I think the biggest mistake you made was sleeping with him.. you shouldnt have done that unless he is ready to make it work between you, i mean you say sex is just sex, but how would you feel if he slept with another the next day right after you??

 

besides... as a man.. having sex with a girl kinda means she is still mine, and i can have her whenever i want.. which is exactly what he got from you.. if you just give it up whenever he wants, then what is there ot make him want to BE with you..

 

i think if you proceed, you need to keep the physical contact to a minimum.

[DeepestBlue]

Thanks ProfessorPlum. I definitely am in a good place right now. I didn't get over-emotional or cry during our meet-up (it was my ex who was doing all the crying). I tried to be friendly, fun, I smiled a lot (and it was natural because I had fun being with my ex)- my ex even said at one point that I was being very selfless- and I think I was. I was willing to spend time with him even though it might've hurt me, I let him make the phone call to his friend even though it interrupted our time together... and so on.

 

He genuinely believed me that I have changed. My appearance has been a radical change (one he seemed to like as well). I behaved selfless rather than jealous. I let him tell me anything and everything without feeling hurt or emotional about it. I didn't criticize or insult him for anything.

 

At one point when he brought up that he hasn't changed- that he's "not good", I told him not to say that. I told him how amazing he is- and all the things I like about him- something I'd never done before. He started crying and saying that "You never say things like that", because it really isn't something the old me ever would've said.

 

I think I set the tone to show him I am changed- which was my real mission during this meet-up, more than anything. As well as to just spend time with him, and see where he stood on things (though I kind of got the gist that he missed me but that he probably still wasn't ready for a relationship).

 

hulk)

 

As for the sex thing- normally I would say that it was a bad idea probably, but in this case it helped him to gain closure over the old relationship between us, so I think it was a good thing.

 

Also we will be 5 hours apart, and it's not like we're going to visit each other (so far as I know) during the next 4 months, so there won't be any possibility of physical contact unless we did it over the phone or web cam.

 

I don't know that I would want to carry on sleeping with him if he isn't interested in a relationship. Although, because I believe him that he still cares about me deeply and misses me, but isn't ready for the relationship- I don't think he just "used me for sex".

 

I did tell him I won't wait for him- but I also made it clear that when the the right person comes along- whomever that is, I will let things happen- whether it's him or someone else. He said he knows and understands.

 

In this power dynamic, I certainly felt like I was the stronger one. I have come so far in 5 months- radically changing my life, my diet, my body, my appearance, my emotions, and my general well-being. As my ex put it, he feels like I am in this sort of "pressure-cooker of change", and he's been left behind. I have made a concerted effort to be someone different- someone better- someone I want to be and who I can be happy with. He hasn't made these kinds of changes.

 

He was the one upset, crying, emotional, etc. I was the one who was friendly, cheerful, and pretty stoic about letting him tell me anything and everything.

 

And I didn't come out of it head-over-heels for him, or hating him, or regretting anything. I'm not hung up on him.

 

I think the most important thing was finding my inner-strength and that realization that I came to that I am me. I am this amazing person who can do all this neat stuff. I don't need him- or anyone, for happiness. Happiness comes from within, and I am the only person who can give it to myself. I don't need a relationship or another person to make me happy, sure- it might be the icing on the cake, but it's not necessary. And this isn't something I just tell myself. I really do believe it.

 

It's this sort of mental state that cut me off from being dependent on him- or anyone. I am happy just being me. And the me I am becoming is someone I like more and more.

 

So. When I do find the right person- whether it be him or someone completely different, I will take that opportunity one step at a time. Right now it seems evident he's not the right person at this point in his life.

[DeepestBlue]

Today I went downtown in the morning and then was heading to the other side of town, when I happened to pass by my ex's place. On the off-chance, I rang him up and he answered saying he was actually headed downtown.

 

I waited for him and we went downtown together and did some last minute shopping for his sister.

 

Afterward we went to a cafe and he showed me the work he's done this past term. It was really nice to see all the amazing stuff he's done, but it also was a bit sad because I realized how much I missed out on in his life... I feel like I need to recognize that cutting him out when I did was the only thing I could do for both our sanity- for not getting friend-zoned, and for us to be in the place we are now in (to be able to have fun together and not hold any remorse or malice toward each other).

 

It does hurt a bit to see all the things he did- and know that I wasn't there in his life, to support him or help him or be there with and for him.

 

He seemed very distracted thinking about his friend, who is apparently going through some kind of treatments right now (not sure what the condition is, but it's obviously pretty serious). We didn't make out, and he didn't touch me. His mind seemed very intensely focused on the shopping and on trying not to think about his friend, though. He told me he had been up all night on the phone with his friend.

 

Afterward I walked him back to the station. He hugged me and as the train was going by I asked him if he could wait for the next one (coming a few minutes later). We hugged for a long time. Before pulling away he gave me a gentle kiss on the lips, and then said bye.

 

Nothing really to say here... just reporting in on the day. I still feel happy (in general), and have fun when I spend time with him.

 

Will be seeing him again on the 27th, although with 2 other mutual friends of ours.

[DeepestBlue]

I called my ex today to wish him a merry christmas. He wished me a happy holiday as well. He was with family, so we didn't really have much time to talk.

 

The rest of the day I've been feeling a bit down- like I'm having a crash from a high or something. My family had a big dinner. I spent most of the evening washing dishes for them to avoid thinking about things. Tactile stuff seems to help me keep my mind off things a little.

 

I don't regret what happened or meeting him.

 

I guess I have two battling feelings inside of me. One part of me says that I've changed so much and worked so hard on myself- I've apologized for all the things I did, I've corrected a lot of my mistakes or flaws in the past- I've become a very different person from who I was. Not only this, but I succeeded in behaving differently around him. I showed him I can be caring, when in the past I wasn't really as caring as I should've been (he was surprised when I told him all the things I like about him- something the 'old me' never would've done). I showed him I can control my stubborness and be less argumentative (that one really surprised him). I even showed him I can be selfless and not jealous (telling him to call his friend even though we were spending time together for the first time in 5 months).

 

So that part of me, I guess, is frustrated that I made all of these changes- did everything I needed to do to prove to myself I was ready for a relationship- yet he's still not ready.

 

The other part of me is being rational and probably more mature, and saying that when he's ready he's ready- and right now obviously just isn't the right time.

 

I am still a bit hurt that he slept with other people, but I keep telling myself that it's not a betrayal because he isn't committed to me anymore.

 

I think I need to stop thinking about him so much, and go back to how I was before I met up with him.

 

I need to go back to focusing on me. Thinking about what I can do to continue improving myself. Continue to focus on my diet and exercise. Continue to focus on my appearance and working on my clothes. Continue to focus on my hobbies and spend time with my friends. Get some rest and relaxation over the holiday.

 

I did my best- and I think things went about as well as they possibly could've. It's clear he's still interested in me and attracted to me, and that we still care about each other and miss each other. Those are all good signs, I think.

 

I also think I took the right steps post-breakup (largely based on some wonderful advice from on here), and that when/if he's ready and wants to pursue me, he will do so.

 

I think his motives here were largely that he missed me and was feeling nostalgic. Maybe he was feeling me out to see if I was with anyone, and what I'd been up to- but I think he mostly missed me.

 

Sometimes it feels so complicated with him now- there's a mess of emotions. He seems to have his mind wrapped around the fact that he cannot be in a relationship right now- which is really his issue/problem and not mine. If he wants to play the field, that's his business. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off with someone else- a fresh, clean start. Especially since he doesn't seem capable of one, at least not right now.

 

In the meantime, I have to continue to work on myself, and when the right person comes along- be it him or be it someone else equally or more deserving, I can only hope to be ready.

 

I've done enough contact for a while. Calling him on the 24th and calling today to wish him a happy holiday means I've been the one initiating contact more than I'd like to.

 

I'm going to meet him on the 27th and then after that I'll let him be the one to initiate contact.

 

I do feel like he's blocking himself out emotionally from me still, to a good extent, and part of that includes him not initiating contact with me (not going on MSN anymore, not messaging me or texting me or calling me). Claiming he's busy is an excuse, because he has time to text his best friend every day and have lengthy conversations.

 

But it isn't my place to push him. I've learned now that the best way is to let him come to me when he's ready.

 

So I'm going to pull back for a bit, and let him do the pursuing when he chooses to. I think I've left the door open enough.

 

In the meantime, I'm going to continue to focus on me. For myself, and not anyone else. I'll be the best person that I can be and continue to improve all the things I want to. Self-improvement's an ongoing process.

[DeepestBlue]

A lot of things have been progressing lately, I guess. Things went well again on the 27th. My ex and I met up amongst some other old mutual friends. Afterward we hung out for a bit. He wanted to sleep with me, but we didn't have anywhere to go and were short on time. We spent a lot of the time talking and a bit of it making out.

 

Back when we were together I had a cheap ring from the dollar store that he stole off me and would always wear. He wore it til the paint was chipping and metal was corroding onto his finger. I think he wore it til it broke, basically because he wore it every day for so long.

 

When we met up on the 23rd, I had an exact copy that was amongst the stuff I gave him. When we saw each other on the 24th by chance, and on the 27th, he was still wearing it.

 

That gives me the feeling that he still wants to be with me / misses our old relationship / may be living in the past.

 

We've had phone sex twice, something we used to do when we were together- though to be fair I initiated contact both times, once with the intention of having phone sex.

 

Every time we do anything (making out, phone sex, etc.), it's a mind-blowing experience. And I don't regret it or anything. I do still miss him when I'm not with him though.

 

At this point I'm wondering what I should be doing and looking toward. Should I just enjoy the mind-blowing experiences for now and see where things lead (he leaves town tomorrow so the only thing that would happen after this is phone sex or stuff over webcam, most likely)? Or is keeping the sexual aspect of things going a bad sign, because he'll treat me like something he can get whenever he wants it?

 

I wouldn't normally imagine that he would develop romantic feelings from a sexual experience, except that I know he already has those romantic feelings toward me.

 

I don't think I'm fooling myself here by believing that a relationship will happen. He told me he might not be ready for one for another 2 years, and I told him that I'm not waiting for him, and if someone else comes along then I'm going to pursue it.

 

We both seem to enjoy the sexual stuff, and I don't think it's actually hurting either of us emotionally.

 

However, I don't want to be blind-sided on this issue. I read a lot about NC post-break up on this forum, for example, and it convinced me to do it. And I'm glad that I did, because it helped me to be where I am now, and I think it helped my ex to be able to see me in a different light again (when he broke up with me he had stopped having sex for like a month and was pulling away physically and emotionally. Now he's constantly all over me and shares personal details about his life with me again).

 

It isn't like it's just flat-out sex either. We do talk about other stuff (he showed me the projects he's been working on, and talked a lot about his life lately, and what he's been up to, etc.)

 

Anyway. It's a legitimate question. In the long-term, will the sex harm the potential for a relationship between us? Will it help it? Will it do neither?

 

My options right now are to:

1) Cut contact (doesn't seem to make much sense to me at this point, since we've been getting along pretty well),

2) Stay in contact without anything sexual,

3) Stay in contact with the sexual stuff.

 

I have tried to look up stuff on having sex with your ex, but there's not a ton of really useful stuff out there. Most of it says not to get involved if you might get hurt and they're just stringing you along for sex- but in this case, I think he's more emotionally invested than I am. I accepted his apology for having hurt me in the past, and I am ready to let go of our old relationship and move on to new things with whomever comes my way. I've been doing really well, and I don't expect us to just magically get back together. I also enjoy it, and don't see any real harm. If I do find someone else and it becomes serious, then I would end things.

[DeepestBlue]

So things have come full-circle now, in a sense.

 

My ex and I always used to go to this mutual friend's for dinner. My ex's plane back took off on the 30th- or so he told me. He had informed me that he was leaving just before New Years, and hadn't informed his work that he'd be back until afterward so that he could spend it with his friend (who he's regularly sleeping with). The thing that hurt me about that, was that for the past 4 years when we were together, my ex always made up the excuse that he had family obligations on New Years, so he wouldn't be able to see me. So every New Years, I ended up alone or working because I knew he'd be with family. I asked him about his family and why he wasn't sticking around to see them for New Years and he just wrote it off saying "I'm old enough now, they'll understand." I find it rather incredible and insulting that it was of such utmost importance that for the last 4 years he spend New Years with his family, but now he ditches his family for New Years for some random friend he's having sex with...

 

The day I was meeting the mutual friend was the 30th. Some small part of me that hadn't died yet hoped my ex would be there when I showed up at the restaurant. When I got there, it was just the friend. We had this conversation about "the spark", because my mutual friend has been dating someone for 2 years and they moved in together- but there was no chemistry/spark between them. My friend started saying that feelings between them developed, and used the example of an arranged marriage to defend the argument. I said that although the notion of Western romantic love may be to some extent fabricated, I think that the feeling of chemistry you have with someone else is biological/physical/hormonal as well, and therefore chalking it simply up to society and culture is a bit unrealistic. I told my friend that when I wouldn't pursue someone unless that "spark" existed between us, and that I wouldn't pursue a relationship unless it occurred naturally- whereas, my friend looked for someone who fit Column A, B, C, D, etc. but even though there was no real passion in their relationship, still tried to make it work.

 

On New Years, I spent some time with one of my best friends who was working at a club. Had I just been looking for a crazy party or to meet someone, I could've gone to a more popular venue, but I went to this one (smaller and usually older crowd) because my friend was working there and I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather spend time with.

 

When I got there, this guy and I sort of caught each other's eyes. Later on, when I was dancing, his friend passed behind me. He followed behind, and put his hand against my back in a sort of casual way- you know, how people do it when they're going past you- so they don't fall over or bump into you.

 

He was dancing with someone else later, and things were getting pretty hot and heavy. I felt a tinge of jealousy I guess and went to the lounge area near the bar. These guys started talking to me and offered to buy me a drink. They were really nice and seemed pretty genuine. We had a conversation for a bit, and then they had me to go to bar with them to get another round.

 

As I waited off to the side, the guy I had noticed earlier was right behind me and started hitting on me. He offered to buy me a drink as well. We started talking. I did tell him I was going out of town on the 3rd. Eventually we started kissing. We spent most of the night together dancing til he had to leave around 2 or 3am because his friend had work early the next morning. He gave me his number and asked if I wanted to meet up the next night.

 

The next day I hung out with some friends before catching transit to meet the guy (we had texted each other and agreed to meet up). We went to his place and just spent the whole night talking. We talked about our interests, what shows we like, what music we like, etc. and got along really fabulously. I ended up sleeping next to him.

 

The next day was more of the same. I had already made plans to see one of my best friends before I left town, so I asked him to join me. I think he didn't want to interfere or disrupt things, but I managed to convince him to come and he finally agreed. He got along amazingly well with my best friend, and we ended up having dinner and watching a movie together.

 

Afterward, he drove me home before I had to go pack. We both agreed that we had this amazing connection and that we wanted to try and continue things, despite the distance. Thing is, his job requires him to be away every 8 weeks and then back every 8 weeks, and also allows him to fly around a lot, so our opportunities to see each other now and then are sort of frequent, and any relationship he has til he finds a new job will have to be semi-long distance anyway, so it's not like he's making a special exception for me. And I used to travel 5.5 hrs every weekend to see my ex anyway, and only saw him every 2-3 weeks, so long distance is pretty feasible for me too.

 

In order to make it work, we agreed not to sleep with (or make out with etc.) anyone else. ie: We agreed to monogomy while we get to know each other. Which won't be difficult since I haven't really done anything with anyone in the last 5 months anyway, and I haven't even really been attracted to anyone since my ex.

 

Plus he has work and I have school, so we have our own busy schedules and lives.

 

Regardless, we've been texting and calling and going on webcam with each other every day since I left.

 

At one point he asked me "What we are", and said he would like to be my boyfriend. I told him that I think that might be a bit soon (it's only been a week), and I need some time.

 

Since then, my ex and I had one conversation a few days ago on webcam, where I told him about this new guy. He said he was happy for me (but he didn't sound happy and was looking away).

 

Truth be told, this new guy is absolutely the sweetest guy. He is extremely thoughtful and caring.

 

I do think we're both a bit infatuated over each other, and in order to make this work I keep trying to slow things down a bit.

 

He's actually flying in next weekend, basically to see me. He flies a lot so he said 5 hr flight is no big deal for him. Also, he's going to be working accross the world in a week or two so we won't get to see each other until the end of March (a bit more than 2 months), so this upcoming weekend is our last opportunity to see each other in person til then, which is why he's doing it.

 

I do think he's a bit crazy to fly all the way out here for me- we've only known each other 1 week now.

 

It does show how sweet he is and what an amazing connection we have though. I do want to try to take things slow and make it work. I spent 5 months being very guarded and not letting anyone in, and now this amazing thing has just sort of happened, and I want to go with the flow. I don't want it to be a 5-second relationship that's over as quickly as it began- which is why I'm trying to move slowly.

 

But what I guess I really wanted to express is the fact that I'm over my ex. I don't think about him anymore, I don't feel anything for him, really. I have no real interest in getting back together with him. I think he is very confused about what he wants, and he missed out on a great opportunity to be with me, and it's really his loss.

 

I've got this amazing guy who's totally interested in me, and who isn't all messed up emotionally like my ex is. Things are fresh and clean and new with this guy, and we both make each other genuinely happy! He is sweet, caring, amazing, and just so perfect. We have a policy of being 100% honest with each other.

 

Also some of the things that happened with my ex, I talked to the new guy about, to make sure it doesn't happen again. I told him if I act condescending or insulting, to be honest and tell me straight-up that it is offensive, because sometimes I can get carried away thinking things are just a joke. I also told him about my problem with breaking up with guys before 3 months elapses. And I told him that if he's unhappy, he needs to communicate it with me and be upfront about it immediately so that we can talk through things and fix it- unlike my ex who was apparently unhappy for a year and never really got it accross to me effectively. The new guy said he understands and is totally willing to do it. So it seems like having that last relationship- including the breakdown, was helpful because I learned where the problems in our relationship were, and I'm able to effectively communicate them to a new potential interest for future benefit!

 

So I guess this is my last post here unless anything comes up with my ex again- maybe some years down the road.

 

My posts for the new relationship would probably be more appropriate in the "dating" forum or the "long distance relationship" forum.

 

Seems like this is a bit of a success story. No, I didn't get my ex back. But at this point he's so messed up (sleeping around with random people, still hung up over our old relationship, crying about things infront of me, strongly physically interested in me, etc.) that I wouldn't want to be with him right now anyway until he gets his head sorted out.

 

Instead, I got this amazing, caring, wonderful guy- and I feel like I am ready to pursue this new and awesome connection we have.

[Ms Darcy]

So things have come full-circle now, in a sense.

 

Seems like this is a bit of a success story. No, I didn't get my ex back. But at this point he's so messed up (sleeping around with random people, still hung up over our old relationship, crying about things infront of me, strongly physically interested in me, etc.) that I wouldn't want to be with him right now anyway until he gets his head sorted out.

 

Instead, I got this amazing, caring, wonderful guy- and I feel like I am ready to pursue this new and awesome connection we have.

 

Now that is success. Good luck!

[DeepestBlue]

So regretfully I have an update, and it's not a pretty one.

 

As it turned out, the guy I met seems really really into me. So much so that he was willing to fly into town and meet me. We agreed to have a little rendez-vous in the nearby local big city (with an airport, etc.) As it turns out, that's the one my ex lives in. It was coincidence, because the guy who is into me right now was planning to go anyway because his friend was supposed to be coming down there as well.

 

As it turned out, the weekend we were down there was also my ex's birthday. I warned the guy ahead of time I would be calling my ex to wish him a happy birthday but that would be it.

 

When I called my ex, he thanked me for wishing him a happy birthday and then seemed eager to hear me call and tried to talk to me- but I said I was busy and hung up. The tone of his voice made me think he still has some feelings (though he denied this when we met up over Christmas).

 

Today I received a call from him around 10pm, but didn't get back to him til 5am when I saw the missed call.

 

When I called him he quickly started in on me- about how he saw photos online of my trip there with the guy I am seeing (he knows we're seeing each other because I'd already told him).

 

He took issue with the fact that I was in town in his area and didn't call him. He took it as some kind of an attack on him, asking me how would he have felt if he saw us together.

 

Fact is, and I told him this, he claims he doesn't have any feelings for me, and he was the one who broke it off. Obviously he should be prepared that I might date someone else, and that he might see us together. I mean, seriously. It's not the end of the world. He chose to break it off, and he's off sleeping with other people, so where's the issue exactly?

 

I explained that it wasn't intended as any kind of insult, and that I wasn't going to call him and be like "By the way I'm in town, but I can't see you..." lol that would be MORE awkward and weird. He claims it would be LESS awkward if I did that.

 

He basically said that he thought we were on good terms and that if I respected him I would've done that. I was like w t f at this. I told him he doesn't own me and he doesn't own the area, and I'm free to go wherever I want with whomever I want.

 

He then resorted to some kind of childish tactic like "Thank you for once again proving that I was right in my decision (to break up)."

 

I told him to grow the f*uck up and stop being a child.

 

And that was the conversation. Yeah, not the most pleasant, and I probably could've handled it a bit better, but I'm not about to let him trample all over me- I'm not here to sate him and be so concerned about his precious little feelings. I mean seriously. Cry me a river much? I thought he was laid-back and mature, but he's acting like a little spoiled kid who doesn't get his way.