Help Getting Ex of 4 Years Back

[DeepestBlue]

Day 25 NC

 

So the guy I was seeing, it was just casual anyway, I don't care. But he became really clingy really quickly. Not only that, but my friend told me he's been contacting people online hitting on them- and even sent me logs. When I confronted him, he claimed someone hacked his account or used his pictures or some crap. Such an obvious lie as far as I'm concerned.

 

Either way, he was getting too clingy so it's best to break it off.

 

Most of my friends just got back in town, so we're planning tons of stuff to do that will keep me busy.

 

Little things keep getting to me. When I was in a sushi restaurant I started instinctively folding the chopstick holder into a little paper heart- I used to always do that and give them to my ex when we were dating. When I realized what I was doing I burst into tears.

 

I realized my cellphone picture is a light display my ex and I went to see right before Christmas- so I changed it when I realized that.

 

When I take the bus here, it's the exact same route I used to take to always go see my ex every day. So it's like I'm getting on the bus to go see him, but he isn't there... waiting for me. It's been hard. I've a few days where something like this just hits me, and I start crying. I was doing pretty well up til now keeping busy, but meh.

 

Ex still hasn't texted me or e-mailed me or anything. I haven't attempted to make contact either. I know I can wait forever for him to contact me first- I won't be the one who is weak and makes the contact- that'd require an admission that I want to be friends, which I don't want to be, and never will want to be. But I miss him so bloody much. I hate this, and I hate how much it still hurts.

[DeepestBlue]

Day 28 NC

 

I'm almost at the end of a month. My ex is now in New York for 5 days with his new "best friend" whom I absolutely loathe and can't stand. The same friend he began associating with right around the time he broke up with me, and the same one who keeps leading him toward making poor choices, who they work at a dive at together, and who is annoying as hell and seems bent on turning my ex against me in every way possible. I know that what he is going through right now is a horrible, childish phase, and mostly I am just sorely disappointed in him for behaving this way.

 

I don't feel like my feelings over this month have changed that much toward my ex. I still feel hurt. I still feel pain. I still feel loss. I still feel that the breakup was totally unfair, and that the relationship was never given a real fighting chance by my ex.

 

On the other hand- I'm not crying every day. It does still happen occasionally, but I've mostly been keeping busy. I don't mope about. I do have some times when I feel miserable or start crying somewhere inappropriate in public. I don't call or text my ex (obviously), trying to figure out why he's still avoiding me. I'm not living with him anymore- I'm not even in the same city. I've been keeping busy- going out with friends, doing various stuff, meeting new people.

 

So, I'm not quite in the same place as I was a month ago- not quite as badly off, I guess. But still- I don't see how this will heal in the near future. I'm not emotionally ready for a new relationship, so far as I can tell.

 

Am I supposed to remain NC forever?

I've seen people recommending 3 months NC then switching to LC.

 

But isn't the point of NC to actually "get over" the person?

This was a 4 year relationship we're talking about. What if it takes me 2 years? What if it takes me 4 years? What if it takes me 8 years?

 

Am I supposed to remain NC for however long it takes, until I am truly over things? And even then, how can I possibly know when I am "over things"?

 

I guess what I'm wondering about is... when am I supposed to stop being NC? Given I was the one who got dumped?

 

Right now, I feel like I obviously still miss my ex, yet at the same time am hurt and unhappy at the changes he has made in his life. I am unhappy with the person he is becoming- an inconsiderate, childish, trendy douchebag who has losers for friends, who doesn't take care of himself and who treats other people like dirt.

 

I guess "moving on" would mean remaining NC until I just don't feel anything toward him anymore...

 

I don't know.

 

Any pointers here?

[DeepestBlue]

Day 31 NC

 

I went on vacation for a few days with a best friend of mine. We had a good time- went on an old 1900's train, visited the beach, went to some museums, rose gardens, etc.

 

Thing is. I feel like other than having calmed down a little about the situation with my ex- I still miss him and want to be with him just as much as I did before.

 

I'm not even interested in other people. I don't want to sleep with someone else, or date someone else. I'm not interested in dating or sex as general concepts- it's my ex who I want, and really, only my ex.

 

I've taken things in stride so far, as best as I can. Not talking to him in a month is weird, but I know I can handle it.

 

But... it's now been a month and he hasn't even tried to contact me. I know he's in New York right now, so he's probably quite busy and time is just flying by. And even when he's at home, he works every day and keeps himself busy- probably to keep from thinking about things.

 

For me, it's been hard. I feel like I'm just going on living, trying to have fun with friends, etc. but none of this really makes me feel better, or makes the hurt and pain or the emptiness and loss go away. In fact, it doesn't seem like there's anything I can do that really can fix or help my feelings.

 

Right now I'm keeping busy and just trying to move on- which basically means disregarding my feelings of sadness and loneliness... because, really, moping won't do me any good. But, on the other hand, I'm really not seeing how ignoring my feelings will help either.

 

In effect, I am helpless to do anything about the situation.

 

All I want is my ex back. It might not undo the hurt I feel, but at least I wouldn't continue to feel this emptiness and unhappiness.

 

Though, he still has not attempted to make any form of contact with me, even after 31 days of No Contact.

[WockaWocka]

Hi DB,

Glad to see your updates and the info about your vacation. I understand you feel hurt that he hasn't tried to contact you, but don't forget what you told him in your letter:

 

The letter instructed him of my address and home phone number should there be an emergency, and that I expected him to maintain the No Contact. I made it clear that I can easily contact him any time I wish and if I change my mind and want to be his friend, that I will do so. It also makes clear that he can write me e-mails with updates about his life- but that I may or may not read them, and that he can call me only if he is interested in actually trying for reconciliation, otherwise I asked him to respect my No Contact.

 

If I were him I would be trying to respect your need to grieve and heal by not contacting you. (Though I also understand the dumpee fantasy of having an ex realize what a huge mistake they made and beating down your door to win you back Unfortunately it rarely happens.). And based on your most recent post about his new best friend whom you don't like, it sounds like he's undergone a transformation during grad school and that for better or worse you are on very different pages.

 

As to when you should contact him, I've heard it said on this board that the dumpee should only contact the dumper after they no longer care about getting them back. Paradoxical, to be sure, but a good way to ensure healing. And yes, it could be months or years. You two were together for a very long time.

 

Check out some of SuperDave's NC threads under "most replied," I've found them very useful and therapeutic.

 

Kudos to you for staying strong!

[DeepestBlue]

It's been about three months, so I thought I ought to post some manner of update.

 

It's now going on 5 months since we broke up.

 

I stupidly called my ex about a month after NC. I figured it was time to break it just to see what his position was. It hadn't changed.

 

He since apologized to me over being a douche bag during the time when he was ignoring me and avoiding me- but I'm not ready to accept that apology.

 

He called me on my birthday which was in October, as well. I brushed it off telling him I was busy and ended the conversation quickly. He hasn't attempted to contact me since.

 

I've been living a very different life lately. I made new friends. I started modifying and making my own clothes, been cooking a lot, and school has been keeping me busy.

 

I don't find myself attracted to anyone anymore- haven't for a long time.

 

When I think of my ex, I still feel hurt and angry, and then just exhausted.

 

When I'm busy with school or friends I don't really think about my ex, but every time I'm alone it's hard to keep my thoughts elsewhere.

 

Right now, I don't feel like I want him back at all. Even if he was willing to take me back, I would say no- maybe it's malicious or childish, but simply for the pleasure of hurting him. Also, I feel like I don't need or want anyone in my life right now.

 

I like being able to decide when I want to hang out with people, and when I get my alone time- and I like enjoying my alone time. I've been spending a lot of time on me, and it's great. I could probably even spend more time on me and just doing things around home.

 

I don't really feel any delusions about getting my ex back anymore. I don't feel like I need or want him, or need him in my life.

 

I know I've accepted the fact that we're no longer together, but I don't think I'm in a healthy place yet, because I still feel hurt and angry over it, so I've obviously not completely let go yet.

 

I don't feel lonely, which is good. I have always been pretty good about being my own person in the past, and I am not going to compromise who and what I am for someone else. The thought that I became so pathetic during my relationship with my ex almost irritates me, and it's not something I plan to let happen again.

 

Yeah, it's possible that my ex and I could get back together, but it's been 5 months and this point, and given the changes that happened to him even before we broke up, and the new changes that haven't happened to me recently, I'd say chances of reconciliation are slim- but who knows, maybe paper towel rolls will grow brains and take over the world.

 

Either way, I don't even want to meet my ex or see him. Which is easy enough since we don't even live in the same city and only have one common friend back home.

 

I had some stuff I was thinking to send my ex by way of post, but I've long-since abandoned bothering, because it's just wasting my time and I'd rather not communicate with him at all.

 

I think he's busy with school himself, and got the idea after I was very curt on my birthday that I didn't want to speak to him.

 

If he pesters me again, I will tell him point blank that I'd prefer if he didn't bother me anymore.

 

I don't plan on calling him for any holidays including his birthday, nor do I plan on sending him anything. And I'm going to try to make sure when I do see our mutual friends back home over Christmas, that they aren't hanging out with him at the same time.

 

Anyway. The monotony of life drones on. And with it I go.

[DeepestBlue]

Today I was on MSN late at night. My ex hasn't been on MSN in ages- months, really. I had blocked him for a bit, but I felt it was childish so I unblocked him.

 

He came on suddenly tonight out of the blue and messaged me saying "hi" and asking me "how are you doing". I ignored both messages.

 

He then proceeded to send me a message on facebook saying:

 

"Hey! i just tried to message you on msn but i guess you're asleep! anyways i'm really sorry if i've seemed distant the past few months school has just taken over making last year feel like a walk in the park! I barely have time to talk to anyone (including (his friend) and my mom that's when you know it's insane)! I've meant to call you on multiple occasions but there always seems to be something due or an exam to study for! I really hope that you are doing well! What are your plans for the holidays? How's school? What's new? As always feel free to call me, and I look forward to catching up with you!

 

*hugs*"

 

 

From what I've seen on this site on other threads, this is a typical "feeler". My ex is either:

 

a) trying to relieve his own guilt

b) genuinely interested in knowing how I'm doing because we did have a close relationship for 4 years

c) interested in getting back together.

 

However, it's impossible to know which of the above it is. My guess is it's a combination of a & b at this point.

 

From what I've read on these threads, it doesn't help me to contact him. Because if I do, I'm merely giving in to what he wants- and doing so rather easily. If I collapse at the first sign of his reinitiation of contact, then we'll go right back to where we were. But right now he hasn't been in touch with me in a while, and avoiding him has actually caused him to actively seek out and attempt to communicate me. If he's genuinely interested, he'll continue to do so.

 

On the other hand, I also feel partially like he only attempted to contact me because he happened to go on MSN and see me on as well. The further step of going on facebook, I guess was a logical train of thought.

 

Unlike most recipients of this type of contact, I'm neither swooning nor falling over. This contact hasn't been something I've been eagerly awaiting.

 

When he messaged me on MSN my first thought was anger and malice toward him and just generally being pissed off.

 

I don't have any intention of replying to his facebook message either.

 

And if I see him in person in the future, I am really very certain, I will probably try to punch him in the head. Even if it's in the back of the head. So let's hope he doesn't run into me any time soon.

 

Not much more to say. Just thought I'd dump the update down.

 

Also I went clubbing by myself on Saturday. I had no pretenses about meeting someone else. I had no delusions about finding someone there. I simply went for myself, to go and have a good time and dance. And I did- danced pretty much the whole night and had a great time. I got hit on a bit, but ignored it. Fact is, I don't need someone. It's more important to me right now that I be good to myself, and have some self-respect.

[DeepestBlue]

Okay.

 

I thought about it for a while tonight. I feel like all my feeling of anger directed toward my ex are an attempt by my mind to cover up the fact that I still have strong feelings for my ex and that I know they aren't reciprocated in terms of my ex wanting to

 

1) be in a relationship with me right now

2) even be physically near me

 

I guess my mind is doing internal acrobatics trying to explain why he would, of his own initiative, contact me- while at the same time, knowing that he worked so hard to avoid me for nearly a month and treat me like utter trash.

 

I read some other posts on here with similar issues and the advice was that the ex misses you which is why they contacted you, but it's simply not enough to warrant reciprocation- because they're not making a genuine attempt to reconcile.

 

I feel a bit conflicted with the advice to not reply though.

 

If I don't reply, won't he feel like I'm ignoring him? Won't he give up on trying to contact me if I don't respond?

 

I feel like I should truthfully reply to him and just say "I'm not comfortable talking to you right now, sorry."

 

But the suggestions on here seem to indicate I should just ignore the message and see if he continues to try to get in contact with me.

[thekid55]

You should do what 'feels' right to you. People can only give you adviced based off of their own situations. None of us remotely know your ex like you do.

 

If you can contact him and keep it brief, then I say go for it. I'm a believer in being polite if someone reaches out to you.

 

However, if you aren't comfortable, you can say 'Hey. Everything is going well for me. However, I'm just not comfortable talking to you right now and I hope you understand that.'

 

Whatever you do, don't let the convo drag and end it first.

[Lastchallenge]

Ignore the attempts I didn't this morning after nc for two days and now im in the same trap again..... once you reply they'll validate why you should stick with nc ...... im not breaking nc unless she crawls on her face for me just to reply.... im worth more than a I miss you text and your worth more than an man hello....

[DeepestBlue]

Thanks for your reply guys.

 

Right now any time I approach the subject I think I'm too emotionally wrapped up in it to feel like I can or should respond, because I don't want to make a mistake. Honestly, as it's been said before silence is probably the best response if you don't know what else to do, because you can't screw anything up at least.

 

LastChallenge, I was hemming and hawing over what to do about this message from my ex, but you really brought me to my senses, so thanks for that. I wouldn't want to reply to my ex in a moment of weakness.

 

A 'feeler' of asking how I'm doing and stuff isn't good enough for me. Unless there's a clear interest in reconciliation I don't see any point in responding. Especially not if it's going to make me feel more upset or hurt than before I responded- which, right now, I think it will. My ex's position about our relationship being over hasn't seemed to have changed... Well if he's going to cut me out of his life he can't have it both ways.

 

So he can at least attempt reconciliation if he wants me back in his life, otherwise he can sit in the dark. It's not really my problem and I don't need to play into the trap, as you put it.

 

So thanks for the advice

 

If he gets the notion that I don't want to talk to him... well. If he's really interested he'll try anyway, I think. When someone really wants something, they go for it- especially him. I'll just continue to ignore till I get something more substantial.

[WockaWocka]

I'm joining this part of the conversation late but I definitely think you're making the right decision here. Having been both the dumper and dumpee at that point of "hey, how are you?" a few months after the breakup I can say it very often is just a desire to say hello and check on someone's well-being rather than a push toward any type of reconciliation. If he wants to get back together he'll have to make a real effort, otherwise he doesn't really deserve to know how you're doing.

[GotMyLifeBack]

I've always been a little confused by this strategy of not responding to what you're calling feelers, instead, to hold out for an outright declaration of the ex's desire for reconciliation. I mean, is this realistic? Sure, there are some dumpers who will approach an ex and be up front about their desire for reconciliation. But I would guess there are many more who are interested in reconciliation, and are cautiously checking out where the dumpee stands, before being more bold. Yes there's a danger of the dumper stringing along the dumpee. But I wonder how many people are missing out on engaging in reconciliation because they have the black and white attitude of there must be an outright proclamation of desire for reconciliation or the dumper gets no response. Just some things to ponder...

[DeepestBlue]

Could well be, Agonizing.

 

In my case, my ex is a very strong-willed and very forthright person.

 

If he was interested in reconciliation- which is what I've made clear I would want- he would have said so.

 

Also given our current geographical distance, and the fact that he basically offered to let me come to his place any time I wanted prior to and just after the break-up, but then basically said he had changed his mind when he realized it would be too awkward/uncomfortable for him... It's not likely that we can have reconciliation right now anyway.

 

I'm at the turning point- or maybe getting close to it- where I don't know that reconciliation is what I want anymore, either.

 

Anyway. If a window of opportunity arises, it will happen when it's the right time, or else not at all.

 

I don't think I can see very well past my anger and upset feelings to coherently talk to him right now, so it's really not a good time.

 

Besides that, he's made it clear a few times now that he's not even considering reconciliation at the moment. I think he misses me, but, hey, he was the one who chose to break it off. It is kind of an all-or-nothing here- you can't have your cake and eat it too- you can't dump someone but then still expect them to be in your life.

 

In fact, I read one thread on here that suggested that staying in the dumper's life can only do you harm in the future for reconciliation, and I believe it may be true of many situations. Basically the line of thought was, you offer your ex comfort and reliability/stability when you're around- so they're free to go off and sleep with whomever they want, knowing they have that emotional support from you. But if you leave, they may still go off and sleep with other people, but they won't be able to get that same emotional support from those people- and they will become clear very quickly, that they are just hollow, skin-deep encounters. Eventually your ex will become bored with them, and if you had a strong bond with the ex, they will come back to you, realizing what they let go of was something better than what they can get elsewhere. So, actually it seems as though staying in someone's life or giving in to them and their whims the moment they contact you can only hurt.

 

I think Low Contact may be an available option for some scenarios, but not if it's going to do YOU more harm than good at the end of the day. You really have to think about yourself, and the net effect on you and your feelings at the end of the day.

 

When the time comes, if it does indeed, and he realizes he misses me enough to seek out reconciliation... I will deal with that then.

 

Until then I'm going to ignore him, unless I feel comfortable responding or feel like it might bring me some benefit- but right now it doesn't. Because, really, I have no obligation to consider him or his feelings anymore- he made that clear when he broke things off.

 

I need to worry more about protecting myself and my feelings, because there's no one else who can or will do that for me.

[DeepestBlue]

AUGH. *@#$%^&*ERT^Y#$%^& *random swearing*

 

I tried to forget about my ex's IM & facebook messages to me, and I was doing pretty well at it too.

 

I've been keeping busy hanging out with new friends, devoting time to improving myself, eating healthy, exercising, getting new clothes, etc.

 

Ok. My ex lives in another city than me, and when we were still together we talked every day by text or phone or online, so he had me on his Top 5 or 10 or whatever contacts that he can communicate with long-distance.

 

Since then he's actually kept me on that list. I honestly have no idea why. But he has.

 

So every so often I'll get calls from him (it's happened once or twice back in September/October), and when I respond simply saying "You called?" he tells me it was an accident because it's at the front/top of his phone.

 

So I'm sitting here doing my thing and then I started getting a call from him- which of course, I ignored. But dang it, if my stomach didn't sink at that moment and my heart beat start racing.

 

Now I just feel all bothered and a rush of feelings of anger and upset are coming back to me.

 

I have no idea if he was genuinely trying to call me since I ignored his facebook message, or if it was another accidental speed-dial... But ugh.

 

I haven't got anyone to really talk to about this except my 1 friend who knows the whole story, and they aren't online right now, so I feel like I have to get this out somewhere.

 

Now I feel like it's going to be impossible to concentrate on anything.

 

Why is it every time I feel like I'm getting somewhere something stupid like my ex accidentally calling or writing me happens and then I feel like I'm back to square one again?

 

I know it could be much worse- I could've actually responded... maybe even said something stupid or embarrassing, which would just make me regress further...

 

But still. I feel like a total pathetic mess over this. I guess it's clearer more than ever that even 5 whole months later, I'm not really that much further along than I thought I was...

[DeepestBlue]

Well. Not a substantial update.

 

I've put about a week between me and the message from my ex, and a few days between what was likely an accidental phone call from him.

 

I was sorting through some old stuff in the corner of my room, just regular cleaning, when I came accross a ring and necklace he gave me for our 2nd year anniversary.

 

It hurt to look at it, and I almost considered taking it back to his house when I go back over Christmas- in order to return it. But I've since decided against it.

 

Any act I make at this point relating to our relationship in a negative way will only demonstrate how I'm not really over things to him, and will make me look weak or emotionally insecure.

 

Also making any kind of contact can't possibly be a positive thing at this point. I need to act nonchalant, and as though I don't care.

 

So I'll just keep ignoring him and try to live my life.

 

It's just hard when I feel like he keeps swooping in and dropping bombs on my feelings every now and then, sometimes unintentionally with these calls.

 

I read through all my posts on this thread, and even though emotionally I feel like I haven't really progressed, I'm a bit amazed at how resilient I've been through this whole process. That first month of NC hurt me a lot, but the past 3 months have really sped by thanks to school.

 

I know I'm not in the same place I was when all of this started- so at least it does seem like I've gotten somewhere (moving out from living with him was probably the best decision I could've made, even though he was so resistant to it- it was simply unhealthy at that point).

 

Either way, I have enough self-worth to know that I'm not going to bother responding to him until and unless he makes it clear he's interested in actual reconciliation. Because the fact is, I deserve better than a "Hello, how are you".

[VanillaBubbles]

My story is very similar to yours. My ex and I started dating when I was 18 and he was 22. We were always together. We just clicked. He was everything to me. We were very happy for almost 5 years and then just over a year ago he broke up with me. I didn't understand it either and I was devastated. he also wanted to stay in my life. I'm not gona go into too much detail cos I don't wana hijack ur post, if u wana know more we can chat.

 

But basically, I didn't know about this site so for the first few weeks I made ALL the mistakes and humiliated myself terribly. So much happened and I cut him off. I wana tell you that you will get through this. At the beginning of this year I went NC. I lived without him in my life for a year. And I'm still standing, I'm still ok.

 

I went thru all the emotions, the anger phase was the longest and worst. Its strange to hate someone so much when you had so much love for them.

 

But you are strong, a lot stronger than I was and even I made it.

 

My ex and I have been trying to be friends for the last month. He sent me a message on fb for the first time in months (I cut him off and deleted him from everything. Told him to leave me alone). Anyway when he sent that message, for the first time I didn't feel angry or anything. And it was such a relief. And I truly felt like we cud talk as friends without me getting emotional. Time really does heal all. Since then we have chatted and hung out a few times. Its weird having him back in my life but its amazing to see how we have both grown.

 

Do I want him back? I don't know and I'm just taking it as it comes. I know what it is to live with him and without him, and I'm strong enough to do both. But its definitely good having him back in my life. Things have gone back to how they were before we started dating, when we were friends. In the year and 3 months that we have been apart I have not found someone that I like or wana be with so who knows.

 

Just take some time out and do you. There were some changes in my life that needed to take place and that would not have happened if we were together. Don't focus on him and the rest will fall into place.

 

I'm here if you wana ask questions or chat.

[DeepestBlue]

Hey. I wanted to say thanks and let you know that it's comforting, if nothing else, to have someone who had a similar experience and is further along in time and is doing well.

 

I did make some of the mistakes and probably did humiliate myself a bit, but I don't think it would have/will have changed anything in the long-run.

 

I don't know if I can or want to be friends with my ex. I do miss him in my life- but I miss him in the capacity of a relationship, not a friendship. And I think to have to see him or talk to him- even to think of him (which I do nearly every day at least at some point), hurts me. Truly, deeply, hurts me. I can't see why I would want to cause myself that kind of pain by having him in my life as a friend. To hear about who he's dates and presumably sleeps with... that would probably be heart-breaking to me.

 

I don't know if he and I can ever be friends the way you have become with your ex, but I commend you on the ability to do that.

 

In the five months we've been apart, no one has come into my life that I am interested in, or feel even a fraction of the same feelings toward. And I'm not sure I'm ready to let someone into my life in that way right now- I've only just been building myself up again, reclaiming my individuality and personality and self-ness... Something I feel like I let my ex trample all over.

 

Even now, I feel conflicted.

 

I feel like I do want to respond to my ex's facebook message, though more than 2 weeks have elapsed since he sent it- I'm still so conflicted about responding.

 

Because if I respond, I am pretty sure it's not like he's going to ask me to get back together.

 

I'm not even sure if he'd want to meet up with me.

 

And even if he did- then I have to ask myself, what good does it do? Is it really going to fix everything? Will I be capable of being friends with him? Will some magic moment happen where suddenly he changes his mind and wants to be with me again?

 

I feel like those kinds of hopes are delusional. And as the dumpee, it's not my place to continually pursue him, it will only just push him further away- it's the wrong impulse.

 

And aren't I just hurting myself further, by wanting something with someone that I can't have? Punishing myself for the situation not working out? Why would I want to be around a symbol of my unhappiness with myself, especially after all this work I've done to like myself again...

 

I'm so conflicted over this... So I've just been sitting on it. And sitting on it. And it feels like I'm not getting anywhere.

 

I read people on here who are so firm in how remaining NC is the best route, and I will just be disappointed and I feel SO certain that I am right in ignoring the message.

 

But then I tell myself that he reached out to communicate with me- he clearly misses me. Maybe I should give it a chance, because if I don't at least try, then I may be giving up my only opportunity.

 

... What a mess.

[VanillaBubbles]

I know exactly what you mean. And its not that I necessarily wanted the friendship ( I was fine without him) it just kinda happened. We started chatting often (all initiated by him once I eventually stopped ignoring him) and even still now I have my guard up. There are certain boundaries I won't cross (like knowing about his relationships).

 

I know a lot of people have great advice on here. I'm just talking on a personal level. And honestly I don't think my ex would ever had called "out of the blue" to say he wants me back. HE THOUGHT I HATED HIM and that I wanted nothing to do with him. But its only now that we talking and getting to know eachother all over again that I think we might possibly have a chance at getting back together (if we reach a point where we both want that). He called again today and we had the longest chat. His sister told me the other day that he said "if he doesn't marry me then he won't marry anyone". and right now he isn't dating anyone and doesn't want to.

 

Again, like I said different strokes for different folk. I had my time of absolute NC and that helped me deal with my issues and my emotions after the breakup. The fact that he is coming around was just an added bonus.

 

Also my ex told me everything that you were told. That he still cares for me but doesn't wana be romantically involved. That he needs to explore "his youth" and that its not me but he is just tired of relationships. He started working all the time after we broke up and drew away from everyone even his mom and sister (who I'm still close too).

 

I'm fine with being his "friend" now cos I dealt with the hurt. But I also learned what I'm worthe. He still has things he needs to work on and no matter how much I might love him, I won't get back together with him cause I now know I deserve better. (Thanks to NC)

[Lastchallenge]

I think that as a man he should act upon what he wants because when we want something we don't care about the risks... we risk it all to get it. Maybe after the holidays he can sort his thoughts... it will take some nc though...cheer up

[DeepestBlue]

One thing I forgot to mention is that during the holidays we will both be back home (the city we met and first started dating in).

 

I finally decided that I didn't want to come off as completely ignoring him, so I sent him a very very short and simple message, without giving away any details of my life. I'm still not comfortable being friends with him, and I don't know if I would be willing to meet up with him, but some tiny sliver of contact/communication every couple of months doesn't seem like it will kill me- I already did the full on NC thing for several months, and I don't see any further good that can come from it right now, so my goal is just to remain very very LC, and only respond if he initiates. I'm still going to ignore all calls from him because I don't want to say something stupid or impulsive over the phone, and I don't want to let the conversation carry on for too long.

 

During one of our conversations back in October he asked me what had happened when I went back home over the summer. He asked about my parents- and how they felt about things, which I thought was interesting. I told him the truth- which was that my mom had asked me if I was still broken up over things with him, and I had said yes, and that I thought he was going to realize he had made a mistake and change his mind.

 

I don't know why he was so interested in that, but yeah...

 

It probably wasn't something I should've even mentioned, but he pressed for information and it just kind of came up, so talking on the phone is something I think I should avoid.

 

Anyway, It's been over 2 weeks since his message that I'm replying to, and I think I was very very nonchalant...

 

I literally said

 

"I'm doing great. School is fine, I'm just extremely busy studying for exams right now.

 

I'm flying back for Christmas from the 22nd-4th of Jan after my last exams.

 

Good luck with all your projects and exams."

 

That's it. Kept it short and sweet. I don't think he deserves to know more than that about me right now. I didn't really tell him anything new or anything he didn't already know. He probably assumed I'd be going back for the holidays, and I bet he knew I have exams right now too.

 

In other news, I started talking to this guy online who is amazingly cute looking and we had this awesome conversation.

 

At one point he said he couldn't keep up with my typing speed, so I said I could slow down, or if he preferred, we could chat over the phone or in person if he felt overwhelmed, and his reply was: "overwhelmed no, assured that conversation is always a possibility yes."

 

I just thought that was really cute.

 

He doesn't actually live here yet, just outside the city, but he's planning to move here before the end of the month apparently.

 

I don't want to get my hopes up or anything, especially since we didn't even exchange any contact information yet, but he seems amazing!

[DeepestBlue]

Confusing much??!?!

 

My ex did not respond to my facebook message, yet he somehow managed to comment on one of my wall posts which was a newly released video of a musician that I played for him back when we were together.

 

It could be that he didn't get the notification that he has a message, or possibly I left him with nothing to respond to, or maybe he's too busy studying for exams.

 

Not really sure, but I still find it really weird that he has the time to comment on my wall post but not enough time to respond to a message I sent him... what the heck?

 

It's also the first thing he's posted on facebook in like 3 days...

[DeepestBlue]

I wasn't sure if my ex had gotten my text, and I thought it would be nice for me to wish him luck on his exam, so I sent him a text just saying "Hey, don't know if you got my message, but good luck on your exam".

 

He sent me a reply saying "Hey! I've just been busy studying for my last exam! Thank you for the good luck! I hope you do well too! Should I expect to see you over the holidays?"

 

I replied with "Did you want to? I'm going to be really busy because I have a lot of people who want to see me, so you might need to make plans with me soon." (No lie, I have about 10 different friends who all want to make plans with me when I get back).

 

Did I play it cool enough?

[DeepestBlue]

Also, I know it might seem like I'm going out of my way to contact him- but I did pretty much brush him off on both on my birthday as well as ignored a few facebook comments he made back in October on my profile/page, and I didn't initiate any contact since- and even this message on facebook, I waited an entire 2 weeks before I even bothered to reply.

 

Stepping back as best as I can and looking at things kind of objectively, I don't think I really harbour any hatred for him. I think I'm mad/upset about what happened, but what's done is done.

 

I wasn't perfect in the relationship either, and I know I could've been more mature. I definitely did insult him and acted condescending, and often ignored him to do other things when we were still in the relationship, and took him for granted. I was also too pushy about doing stuff, and a couple of times got really upset because it seemed to me like he didn't care about the things I cared about, and was just uninterested or screwing up my plans. And yeah, I think I overreacted. I don't know why we fought so much at the end, but I think things just got strained and he wasn't completely to blame- it was just a downward spiral.

 

The begging/pleading/crying I did immediately after the relationship was stupid and went on for far too long before I got my act together and simply left. I tried to guilt-trip him as well, which was not appropriate.

 

Now that I've had some head-space and time to think it over, I realize that leaving when I did on the advice of people here was the best thing I could do, and NC/or extremely extremely LC for the last 5 months has probably been the best thing I could do.

 

I don't want to get "friend-zoned" or be his emotional crutch. I know he's the dumper and I'm the dumpee, but I admit I did a lot of things wrong as well.

 

I've made it clear many many many many times I am absolutely not interested in being his friend. Assuming we do meet up over the holidays, it won't be as friends, and I'm pretty sure he realizes that- especially after 5 months of me barely keeping in touch.

 

I do sort of feel like it would be nice to touch base with him over the holidays, though I don't expect anything to come from it. We both live in different cities and are busy with school, last time I knew his position on the issue I know he wasn't interested in/looking for a relationship right now, and I'm not even sure if it would be wise for us to get back into one in our current state.

 

If it does come up in discussion, I think I will point out that I'm pretty uncertain- I wouldn't want to walk into something that's doomed from the start.

 

Worse still, I'm not sure if I'm really ready to trust him again.

 

Regardless, it would be nice to see him, even if it's just once.

 

I don't know. Opinions?

[DeepestBlue]

Full Convo:

 

Me: Hey, don't know if you got my message, but good luck on your exam!

 

Him: Hey! I did, i've just been busy studying for my last exam! Thank you for the good luck! I hope you do well too! Should I expect to see you over the holidays?

 

Me: Did you want to? I'm going to be really busy because I have a lot of people who want to see me, so you might need to make plans with me soon.

 

Him: K, well I'm there from the 12-30th so let me know! Btw sorry about the long pauses, I had to go into my exam!

 

Me: I don't know. I arrive the 22nd and Christmas is the 25th. What did you want to do?

 

Him ur up for? I'm not picky, coffee, a meal, I do know you're busy! If you're too busy I understand I just hope you're doing well!

 

Me: I dunno. I have like 10 people who want to make plans with me. Would you like to do (it's this Christmas light show)? I promise I won't bring my camera. (it's an inside joke because I always bring my camera to everything and take a million photos)

 

Him: lol when?

 

Me: I dunno. Maybe the 24th or 26th (boxing day)? Will be too crazy to go shopping at that point anyway. If it doesn't work out we can reschedule at least.

 

Him: Christmas eve/boxing day I may have a lot of family stuff. R u free the 23 or after the 26th?

 

Me: Well 23rd is the day after I arrive... It might be possible after I'm done shopping.

 

One thing is that when we were together, we went to that Christmas Light show every year, and it's kind of a romantic-y couples thing. I was sort of curious to see if he'd actually agree to it or if he'd be uncomfortable.

 

So it'll be interesting to see what happens, not that I'm really expecting anything. I plan to be very laid back and casual about it.

[thekid55]

I don't think a romantic type of event is the best thing to go to if this is your first time seeing him. I haven't gotten to that point yet with my ex (only 2.5 months out), but I'd feel comfortable meeting somewhere subtle for coffee or lunch. Not riding in the car together or whatever.

 

But hey, it's totally your call. If you can handle the light show, go for it.