Reasons for infidelity

[redswim30]

Infidelity is a touchy subject for many people, and understandably so.

No one wants to or likes being cheated on or wants to ever think that they may be partially responsible. it is very easy to say - THEY did something wrong, period. But few people choose to look at the causes that started it, as the OP is stating, curiosity about what LEADS to it and not the act itself.

 

Cheating is not always as cut and dry as people are led to believe. So many times we just hear, "He or she cheated" and flee to the side of the betrayed one. But I know so many people who WERE trying to end their relationship, trying to fix things, etc- And their SO would NOT try to compromise. People are only human, and people have their breaking points. I am not saying it's RIGHT. I am just saying that it HAPPENS.

 

Example- I have a friend that is male, let's call him Steve. Steve had been married for a long time. He had been a faithful husband for over 20 years. But then, his wife stopped caring. She stopped sleeping with him. Would not show him any affection. Berated him daily. Treated him like he was a second class citizen in his own house. He talked to her about his unhappiness. They tried counseling. The problem was, she blamed him for EVERY single problem they had and was unwilling to work on anything herself. He had every opportunity to cheat during this time, but he was trying to make his marriage work. He finally reached a point where he couldn't take it anymore and told her that she either needed to meet him halfway or they needed to get a divorce. She begged and pleaded with him (and yes even emotioanlly balckmailed him with threatening to "kill herself" ) NOT to get divorced, but neither was she willing to change or treat him better. After about 2 years of this back and forth, Steve met someone. Let's call her Rachel. He wasn't looking for her, but they met through a work function. They fell in love. They really fell head over heels in love. He wasn't just looking for hot woman on the side. (if that was what he wanted, he had the chance to do that YEARS earlier) He developed genuine feelings for her. She cared about him. She loved him and Steve missed being loved. Steve tried to keep his distance and work on his marriage, but nothing was changing. Eventually, he slept with Rachel. His wife found out.

 

My family has been a close friend of Steve's for years. So we knew a LOT of what was going on for years. And not even through him, but based on how his wife would act at social gatherings. BUT anyone who didn't know the ins and outs of their situation, simply said flew to her side and said, "He cheated ! What scum ! His poor wife!" All the while not knowing that she had given up and he wanted out for years. They are now divorced.

But the thing is, the infidelity came out of LARGER problems. And yes, his wife did contribute to his unhappiness that prompted the chain of events.

He says to this day that if his wife had tried, he never would have fallen for Rachel. While he wasn't trying to make his wife responsable for his sole happiness, he needed her to try and she wouldn't. Steve was never trying to "Have his cake and eat it too". And if you knew him, he is truly one of the most selfless, kind people you would ever meet. Yes, he cheated. But it wasn't ALL his fault. Nor is he a monster that so many people might try to turn him into.

 

Of course, I know every situation is not like Steve's. But his infidelity was an effect of his reaching a breaking point. Steve made a mistake. Steve is imperfect. He is only human. I'm not saying cheating is right but sometimes it is easy to see that cause and effect. I mean, if you refuse to show affection to your spouse, what do you think will eventually happen (whether intentional or not, they will eventually meet someone who DOES care)

It is easy to generalize and demonize people for mistakes. But we never really know the full story that goes on behind closed doors.

 

Steve is engaged to Rachel and they couldn't be happier. Steve's ex wife is now in counseling and in her own words, "Feels better about her life than she has in years". But if their root problems had been solved (and sometimes they aren't solvable, another point of denial in some cases) the infidelity would never have happened.

[lostandhurt]

That is a very nice story and it is nice things are better for all involved but Steve had many chances to end the marriage but chose otherwise. Was it selfish of him to stay married while sleeping with another woman? Yes. Could he have stopped it? Yes.

There is never a good reason for cheating no matter how nice the person is or how long you have known them. I was once told by someone they cheated to end their marriage. To me that was even more selfish than the act itself.

I have heard of stories just like this one and others where everything was or seemed perfect and one spouse cheated. In the end there is betrayal no matter what abuse or lack of love preceded it.

 

It is strange that they don't seem able to divorce before they are caught but always seem capable after.

 

Lost

[maelstrom]

I could imagine the lies and deception becoming an increasingly heavy load. But with every new lie, it probably becomes that much harder to come clean, as the deception grows and grows.

 

I have taken an unofficial poll of people I know and interestingly, everyone says they would not tell their SO that they cheated. There were many reasons given but a recurring theme is, I would only be telling to make myself feel better, not the other person. I deserve to feel bad, why should I make them feel bad to make myself feel better?

 

Interesting that people think lying is being kind. Yet it does make a twisted kind of sense I suppose.

[redswim30]

That is a very nice story and it is nice things are better for all involved but Steve had many chances to end the marriage but chose otherwise. Was it selfish of him to stay married while sleeping with another woman? Yes. Could he have stopped it? Yes.

There is never a good reason for cheating no matter how nice the person is or how long you have known them. I was once told by someone they cheated to end their marriage. To me that was even more selfish than the act itself.

I have heard of stories just like this one and others where everything was or seemed perfect and one spouse cheated. In the end there is betrayal no matter what abuse or lack of love preceded it.

 

It is strange that they don't seem able to divorce before they are caught but always seem capable after.

 

Lost

 

I guess we just have to agree to disagree. I think in many cases, people who have commited infidelity are people who should have divorced but stayed in bad marriages because they thought they should and regretted it. I was speaking more of the causes of infidelity and not justifying it. Merely saying why it happened and the cause and effect of everything that happens within a marriage.

[srssatellite]

Perhaps they don't choose to end the relationship because they hope that something good between the two can come out of the act itself. Sounds odd, but sometimes seeing that go on in the relationship can light a fire and cause both parties to look into salvaging what they have, improving it, and making sure that reasons to cheat never show up again, just depends on who the two people are and what they're willing to do to stay with someone they've loved for so long.

[arcadefire]

Great points but your gender reference? I know you meant they not just he or him. Your not throwing stones at just us guys are you? lol

 

Lost

 

Well I use the common "he" as opposed to "she", typical in English language, but don't want to do the "she or he" "s/he" etc. Plus I could be sort of biased from my experiences...

 

Redswim, good story, but not an uncommon one that I've heard on these forums. In the end, he should have broken things off formally before laying in bed with another person. If the marriage wasn't working, he should've just filed for a divorce before cheating, yes, cheating.

 

I think the excuse of saying you'd rather lie by omission than to fess up is one I've heard over and over from everyone. But reverse it, would you rather know that your partner has been fooling around behind your back? Of course you'd rather know, but you'd rather not tell.

[The Archer]

I believe the sole reason for someone's infidelity is that he has his cake and eats it too, which is basically being selfish. Also that he can get away with it for as long as he could, simply because his lack of character and morals prevents him from feeling any guilt, be it transferring diseases and such.

 

It is true everyone is selfish to a degree, but to be so selfish as to intentionally hurt others close to you, that's a level of disgust.

 

With a little rewording words like “their” and “they” can often be used in place or “he” or “she”. The word “people” or “person” are also good neutral words. Just a thought

[bluberry]

with regards to the steve story i mean.. i think there are also 2 ides to every story and yes while it does seem like it is the wife's fault i think in alot of cases it is very hard to pin point that 'turning point'. In your post you said she stopped caring like that was the catalyst for the marraige degrading which sounds a little harsh. I'm sure Steve also had a part to play in all this. If it takes 2 to make something work, it also takes 2 to help start killing it right?

 

But i must say that at least he was open and wanted to make it work and shared his feelings along the way.

 

I'm just started reading uncoupling and i think a primary reason for cheating is the lack of communication. It makes a good point about how everybody has got secrets and when we stop communicating properly we start hording more personal secrets and stop letting the other in..

[redswim30]

With the Steve story I was trying to illustrate for the OP, whose main question was about the Reasons for infidelity. I agree with the above post, I think it is a breakdown in communcation on BOTH parties. I just don't think infidelity happens overnight but is something that happens over a course of time due to a breakdown in the marriage.

[spearntime]

Have you ever listened to DRLAURA? She swears up and down that unless there are serious emotional issues in someone, people cheat bc they aren't being taken care of in their relationship.

 

She goes on and on about how women should:

 

Have sex regularly with their husbands and not deny them for manipulative reasons

 

Not nag about stupid things...or anything for that matter

 

Feed him reglularly (make him lunches, etc...) and kind of "take care of him"

 

Joke, laugh and play with him...keep the humor heavy and the drama light

 

Be his girlfriend.

 

 

Not sure if any of this helps....I've been trying these things with my husband and although I'm not perfect...and it's been hard to do....it does help some.

[maelstrom]

Have you ever listened to DRLAURA? She swears up and down that unless there are serious emotional issues in someone, people cheat bc they aren't being taken care of in their relationship.

 

She goes on and on about how women should:

 

Have sex regularly with their husbands and not deny them for manipulative reasons

 

Not nag about stupid things...or anything for that matter

 

Feed him reglularly (make him lunches, etc...) and kind of "take care of him"

 

Joke, laugh and play with him...keep the humor heavy and the drama light

 

Be his girlfriend.

 

 

Not sure if any of this helps....I've been trying these things with my husband and although I'm not perfect...and it's been hard to do....it does help some.

 

 

What are the men supposed to do?

[srssatellite]

What are the men supposed to do?

The same, but not sure if Dr. Laura says that.

 

She does have valid points, but here's my, hopefully gender neutral, take on it.

 

Sex should never turn into a thing to not do, there are other ways to satisfy your SO's sexual needs than intercourse. Oral and manual sex do not require both people to be in the mood from the start, but many times once the action begins, the giver gets in the mood and wants intercourse. Always reciprocate, don't get yours and then just ignore your partner's needs too, especially if they have gotten in the mood from pleasing you. And one of the most important things, NEVER use sex in a manner of "if you do X (non-sexual chore, task, etc.), then I'll do Y (intercourse, oral, etc.) later." Guess what happens when later comes and Y doesn't happen? Easy way to cause resentment, especially when history repeats itself several times.

 

People shouldn't nag about small things, help each other out. Don't nag and offer zero help, that's just asking for problems. The only time I can see there being more household responsibilities on only one person is when one member works and the other doesn't. Not to say that the working spouse should do absolutely nothing, but it can be frustrating if you come home from 10 hour days at work and are asked to do things that could have been done by the stay at home spouse but were not. Either 50/50 (both work full time) 30/70 (one works part time, one works full time) or 15/85 (one works, one is a stay-at-home).

 

It's not hard to make yourself something to eat, if one of you is going to get home later than the other, then making them something to eat so it's ready once they get in is a very good idea. If you both get home at the same time, and eat the same food, take turns being the preparer. If you both eat different foods, feed yourself. Both should help with the cleanup afterwards regardless of who ate what.

 

Life is serious, relationships are serious, but find humor in everything and laugh together. Life will take a s*** on both of you, that's life, but never let that prevent either of you from having a sense of humor. Never forget that when your life takes a hit, it will affect your loved ones, so don't think you're the only one that's in a funk. Be there for each other, but when it comes to your commitment to each other, you have to prevent the rest of life from interfering.

 

You both fall in love with each other because of how you acted towards each other with compliments, flirting, dates, communication. Keep it in mind, remember how you treated each other then and apply it throughout your time together.

 

 

I think it all comes down to people feeling that they don't have to work to keep their SO/spouse once they've accomplished a relationship. Not to be a d*** but think again. I tried to make this as gender-neutral as possible, as when I make these exact same statements to people they get on their gender-superiority complexes and accuse me of unfair beliefs. It's not gender roles, it's spousal roles, you compromise on who does what.

 

spearntime

The fact is you are trying, and that is what counts. People are not perfect, but what really matters is that you're making an effort. It's impossible to perform these with 100% effort your entire life, but the fact that you are consistently getting a good 80% and striving for more is what keeps you highly exalted by your spouse.

[Raoul]

Have you ever listened to DRLAURA? She swears up and down that unless there are serious emotional issues in someone, people cheat bc they aren't being taken care of in their relationship.

 

She goes on and on about how women should:

 

Have sex regularly with their husbands and not deny them for manipulative reasons

 

Not nag about stupid things...or anything for that matter

 

Feed him reglularly (make him lunches, etc...) and kind of "take care of him"

 

Joke, laugh and play with him...keep the humor heavy and the drama light

 

Be his girlfriend.

 

 

Not sure if any of this helps....I've been trying these things with my husband and although I'm not perfect...and it's been hard to do....it does help some.

 

This is blamng the victim. Cheating is about the cheater not the cheated. Its about betrayal, not the other person your lover has taken on.

 

Dr. Laura is a media star that makes her money with television ratings. If you listen to people like Dr. Phil, Keith Ablow and Dr. Laura, much less Oprah - yada yada, you are not getting considered advice. You get advice designed to have you build viewers and sell products rather than help you understand yourself and your situation.

 

The tools of psychology and therapy are already weak enough. Pretending that media hounds can offer anything other than the soap selling that it is, causes way more harm than good.

 

Raoul

[lostandhurt]

^^^^^^^^^ I agree completely! ^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

Lost

[maelstrom]

The problem I have with this Dr. Laura approach is, it sounds a little like trying to ignore issues and put a nice front on. I don't want a relationship where I can't be honest about how I feel. I don't want a relationship where I have to take care of someone all the time.

 

But the bigger issue that I keep coming back to is the trust one. At this point I just can't see how anything good can come from the cheating. I don't know how I could manage to even let him touch me again much less have sex again. I keep having fantasies of never having to see him again. It's a supreme struggle to keep talking to him when he calls and feign interest in his life when I'm just so hurt and angry. I pretty much have to bite my tongue off to keep from making comments about the infidelity. I am working on trying to stop my negative thoughts but they keep creeping in and the more I try to stop them the more they come out in the form of nightmares.

 

I really don't want to speak with him but I feel guilty about this considering he's stuck in Afghanistan. But then I think, * * * , why doesn't he just call his GF and * * * * * to her about his awful life...why do I get to hear all his whining and have to send him stuff he asks for and try to be nice when all I got was crapped on.

 

I wish I could be a bigger person. Hopefully if I keep at it I can learn something, but right now I'm just PISSED.

[Rogue55]

In my opinion, when there's a lack of fulfillment is when one party looks elsewhere and commits infidelity. Whether that fulfillment is emotional, sexual, financial, etc. is dependent on the persons involved. I don't buy into that whole "people cheat only because they get an opportunity" or any of the gender-biased reasons.

 

It truly comes down to when a fulfillment that was once there is no longer there, and when communication has failed to work to bring back that fulfillment, then people begin to find that fulfillment elsewhere. They may never lose any love for their significant other, but still branch out to find that fulfillment.

 

that makes perfect sense.

I'm so glad I found this forum.

I've been seeking answers to questions for a long time now.

and seeing others points of view

is really helpful.

 

thank you.

[Live-N-Learn]

Every married person knows that cheating is wrong. Many times they have exhausted all avenues in the marriage and have lost hope that anything will ever change. Instead of getting divorced for whatever reason (kids, familiarity, finances, image) they cheat. Once this happens many times they will end up divorced anyways.

[maelstrom]

I'm coming to the realization that the reasons don't matter. It is what it is.

 

What I'm wondering about now is the PURPOSE - I have been reading some people do it for a warning and some do it to end the marriage, and some are just selfishly doing it because they can get away with it.

 

In my case I did it because I have emotional issues and express pretty much everything through sex. I have been unable for many years to have a real conversation with someone. I never wanted to end my marriage nor was I sending a signal, I was rationalizing the situation and being selfish.

[odile]

I'm coming to the realization that the reasons don't matter. It is what it is.

 

What I'm wondering about now is the PURPOSE - I have been reading some people do it for a warning and some do it to end the marriage, and some are just selfishly doing it because they can get away with it.

 

In my case I did it because I have emotional issues and express pretty much everything through sex. I have been unable for many years to have a real conversation with someone. I never wanted to end my marriage nor was I sending a signal, I was rationalizing the situation and being selfish.

 

You were the cheater?

For some reason I thought that it was he that had cheated on you...

[maelstrom]

Both have cheated.

[odile]

Both have cheated.

 

 

 

Aha, I remember now. Sorry for the memory lapse.

[odile]

I'm coming to the realization that the reasons don't matter. It is what it is.

 

What I'm wondering about now is the PURPOSE - I have been reading some people do it for a warning and some do it to end the marriage, and some are just selfishly doing it because they can get away with it.

 

In my case I did it because I have emotional issues and express pretty much everything through sex. I have been unable for many years to have a real conversation with someone. I never wanted to end my marriage nor was I sending a signal, I was rationalizing the situation and being selfish.

 

 

That's really sad.

One would think that your spouse would be a someone with whom you'd be able to have a 'real conversation' with...

I would not want to remain married were this not the case.

 

Do you have any idea what was it that prompted your reticence?

[Raoul]

In my opinion, when there's a lack of fulfillment is when one party looks elsewhere and commits infidelity. Whether that fulfillment is emotional, sexual, financial, etc. is dependent on the persons involved. I don't buy into that whole "people cheat only because they get an opportunity" or any of the gender-biased reasons.

 

It truly comes down to when a fulfillment that was once there is no longer there, and when communication has failed to work to bring back that fulfillment, then people begin to find that fulfillment elsewhere. They may never lose any love for their significant other, but still branch out to find that fulfillment.

 

So they betray their promises to show that they haven't lost their love? Please.

 

If we're talking about people that have informed their 'other' that they may go outside the relationship and there is agreement, then okay. That is rare to the vanishing point.

 

Typically one goes outside the relationship without the knowledge of the other. The wanderer then lies (by omission and commission) to the unknowing partner about what's going on. Does this sound like love to you?

 

Not only is infidelity a lie to a significant other and therefore cruel, its selfish in extremis. The 'cheater' wants it both ways, the significant other and the side relationship. They use the unknowing partner as safety net and training wheels. They lack the courage to be true to themselves much less their partner. Lies all around for everyone!

 

As I said, its not about just sex (or fulfillment - blah, blah, blah). To pretend that it is is misdirection.

 

Raoul

[maelstrom]

That's really sad.

One would think that your spouse would be a someone with whom you'd be able to have a 'real conversation' with...

I would not want to remain married were this not the case.

 

Do you have any idea what was it that prompted your reticence?

 

Yes, I was sexually exploited at the age of 13 by a much older man and ever since that time I have compartmentalized my life. I am unable to have authentic relationships with anyone. I am working on trying to overcome this. I do not know at this point if my marriage will survive my personal changes. I do not think that if I was an emotionally healthy person I would want to be married to my husband.

[iamaperson]

I do not think that if I was an emotionally healthy person I would want to be married to my husband.

 

Could you elaborate on this...?