My GF hit me

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow. I feel horrible. For her and me, and what I thought was "us".

 

Yes, I recorded some of her raging on my phone but not the worst parts. She also took 3x running battering rams with her shoulder at my main door - I managed to record the door moving a few seconds after the last one and her screaming and yelling outside.

 

Sigh.

 

Ouch...that is major out of control behaviour. You can't talk reason to someone like that.

[DN]

Then at least you have some record of her abuse. You may need it.

[emma j]

wow, ok.. there is so so much that i want to say and i really don't know where to start.

 

everything that is being said in this thread, everything you are telling us that is happening that is being said i was deeply in not just 2 months ago.

 

i like you wanted to and would have married him in a heartbeat. His charm literally swept me off my feet and i fell hard. so so in love with him i would have literally done anything for him. I am still very very much in love with him but without the rose tinted glasses.

 

He blamed me on everything. his rages, his anger, his punches things everything was because i made him like that, i provoked him, i triggered him and he was always in control, always manipulating and everything was on his terms.

 

I like you wanted to fix him badly. i'm studying as a role in the caring profession and have reserch alot on mental disorders and particulary what he has, therefore i felt like i could fix him. that if he just got this part of him under control all would be good, but who am i kidding. This is his and her personality we're talking about, its not going to change its who they are. My ex also had a very bad childhood, emotionally depreived, adopted by his aunt and rescued when he was just nine because of what was happening at home. its why he is the way he is now, but thats no excuse. I also realsie now that i can't fix this person, not when he continues to blame everyone else and control me into things it really is me.. he and her are really deluded. they see what they want and will manipulate the situation.

 

your getting these txts now cos she's trying to control you. heck i'm well used to them, but i fell for it everytime.

 

I really could go on and on and on about how similar we are and our situations but i have had numerous people do the same to me when i was going through it and the truth is i listened to NONE of it. I was so deeply in love, thought i'd never find love like this again that i continued.. EH love like this again. i hope to NEVER find love like that ever again. I and YOU are in an abusive relationship, surely we deserve alot more that than...

 

Just please please don't go back. in the ned he ended it with me ( his weekly dumping) and we jut haven't spokent since. Yes i'm in a heap, yes i'm heartbroken but i'd rather be this right now that where i was 2 months ago. I even spoke to his family to day, they said i was much much more than he will ever be, and there right and so will you be..

[Ms Darcy]

I was drawn to her as she was so magnetic and literally everything I have written down that I want in a wife after my only other possible marriage material relationship ended 5 years ago.

 

Crazy folks are often incredibly charming at first.

 

It makes no sense to me how someone can not realise that they are the problem despite the relationship going off the rails in such dramatic fashion.

 

Do you think this same statement could be said about you, because you haven't quite ended contact with her?

 

She said she knows it's a problem and wants to fix it with further counselling, me learning how not to trigger her (to set off rages ...

 

I did - I told her yesterday as she was raging that it was over.

 

Doesn't her raging scare you?

 

I know she has a rocky relationship with her Dad and her first relationship there was some physical violence against her. From there, the next guy cheated on her, and the next one moved to another country for work, and then the one before me was allegedly abusive as well (although for this one it sounds like he may have been going through some stuff like me - ie; trying to get OUT of situations)

 

I think I have probably copped the worst of it, but I am definitely not the first. Yes, she admits that she was an angry person before she met her first boyfriend and interestingly today said she feels "broken". I've never heard her admit that sort of thing before

 

She agreed and that's why she was keen to sort it out through counselling.

 

Honestly, her past is not your concern. I suspect she only really respects men who abuse her and it's really unfortunate that you are spending so much energy thinking about her past versus asking yourself why you don't leave her alone completely.

 

Best of luck.

[yeawutever]

I hope you're going NC forever with this type of woman. No normal sane human being would react like this. If you would stayed with her, two things would have taken place:

1) She proceeds later on to fatally injuring you with a weapon until one day you're either dead or in a hospital. Like another poster said, even a very tall person can get injured. If someone stabs you in the chest with a knife or has a hammer, the results will be deadly. Even a 10 year-old child can hurt you if he/she has a weapon.

2) The fight escalates and one day you react in self-defense (like a battered woman would do too).. hurt her badly in the process as you're trying to get away. She calls the cops and guess you serves jail time? YOU

[sahara56]

Thanks all

 

I am going to see her sister in the next day or two to talk with her as we had a chat a few months ago when something got out of hand. I also have a time booked with our counsellor later this week. I've also sent an email to a lawyer to see if there is anything they can do to cover me in case things get worse.

 

It's totally heartbreaking that she consciously knows she has a problem but doesn't declare all-out war on it. I realise this is because it would be admitting failure and that would be too much for her to bear so it's easier to blame someone else.

[DN]

What is the purpose of talking to her sister - and the counselor?

[sahara56]

We have been seeing a couples counsellor for a few months and last week during our session we organised individual sessions this week. When she was mad the other day, she called them and canceled her appointment in front of me. I intend to keep mine to talk through all of this with them.

 

In regards to the sister, I guess I want someone who knows her to understand what happened and give her some support.

[DN]

Anything you say to her sister will be misinterpreted. Don't go there.

 

Certainly see the counselor but make sure that the counseling is now directed to life without her not with her.

[Stay_home]

The next time she does all that, call your local police department and tell them that you want to press charges for 2nd degree assault. That girl sounds like a real hot mess and if you continue seeing her the abuse is only going to get worse. If she tripped out like that over a facebook page, imagine what she'll do if another woman were to smile at you or hug you.

[sahara56]

Her sister and I have talked before, so I think I'm safe on that. I heard through mutual friends that she said over the weekend we broke up as I didn't want to get married...(as stated, I would if this wasn't there!)

 

I sent her an email this morning with some links to BPD information and said it was my final effort to show her that I care about her. No response yet, suspect because I am on her death list forever now. She said previously that I should be 'happy' when she is still texting angrily at me,etc as then I know she 'cares', whereas if she wasn't to respond, then I know she has moved on.

 

Alternatively, she's really having a good look at herself. And yes, when I talk to the counsellor, I need to look at myself now too.

[DN]

Stop worrying about what she thinks about you and remember what she does to you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Her sister and I have talked before, so I think I'm safe on that. I heard through mutual friends that she said over the weekend we broke up as I didn't want to get married...(as stated, I would if this wasn't there!)

 

I sent her an email this morning with some links to BPD information and said it was my final effort to show her that I care about her. No response yet, suspect because I am on her death list forever now. She said previously that I should be 'happy' when she is still texting angrily at me,etc as then I know she 'cares', whereas if she wasn't to respond, then I know she has moved on.

 

Alternatively, she's really having a good look at herself. And yes, when I talk to the counsellor, I need to look at myself now too.

 

Sadly someone with BPD never really takes a good long look at themself. They are only happy (and I use that term loosely) when they are in total control of someone. Did you ever notice your ex getting a smug look on her face when she manipulated you to do what she wanted? That's how they operate..they thrive on manipulation and twisting stories around...they thrive on dominating their loved one and they pick fights and act unreasonable because they thrive on drama. They have two sets of rules...one for how people need to behave towards them and the second for how they feel they can behave towards others. They have boundaries for themself but violate everyone else's boundaries and throw temper tantrums or try to manipulate the situation if the other person is trying to prevent them from crossing those boundaries. They became master tacticians like the planners at the Pentagon...where people who get hurt are distilled down to the term "collateral damage". You and everyone else your ex hurts are simply collateral damage...they just do not compute as humans because the only thing that counts are her plans and tactics for domination of those who love her.

[Ms Darcy]

I sent her an email this morning with some links to BPD information and said it was my final effort to show her that I care about her.

 

Alternatively, she's really having a good look at herself. And yes, when I talk to the counsellor, I need to look at myself now too.

 

Stop sending her emails. Stop talking to her sister. Take this break-up as a gift and get yourself some intensive counseling.

[lavenderdove]

Look, why are you so worried about someone who beats you up and then goes clubbing? That's not a person in pain, that's a person who is running roughshod over her loved ones and not feeling the slightest remorse.

 

I know it is hard, but you have to acknowledge that a lot of your attempts to 'nurture' her are really about trying to make her someone who is remotely tolerable to you and others. You are not seeing her clearly, what you see as 'hurt' is your own hurt, not hers. Co-dependent people project their own feelings onto others, so by nurturing her, you are trying to save yourself and your own life, and mitigate the damage she does you.

 

You need to learn to empower YOURSELF, not other people. You can save yourself directly by going to a counselor and learning how to stop trying to 'fix' other people to bring yourself happiness. I know you have good intentions for her, but she is making her choices, and perhaps she is absolutely fine with who she is, and doesn't want to change. That's actually clear form her responses. She is just trying to 'manage' you in the same way you are trying to 'manage' her. Whenever there is too much focus on changing someone else in a relationship rather than yourself, it will eventually fall apart.

 

So please have mercy on yourself right now. She doesn't want to change and is only doing the therapy to manipulate you rather than change herself. You need to protect yourself and your interests and forget about trying to manage her. I don't think she wants it, and the more time you spend with her, the farther you get away from your own needs, and risk yourself being involved with a violent person who may harm you physically or lie and make false allegations against you to spite you.

[sahara56]

Thanks for all your input and slapping me with some dose of reality

 

I know that the behaviour is wrong and that I have been party to it. My personal belief is that she is correct in that I do have an influence on it. What I mean is that when I have done some things such as the SET technique (only over email as I find it hard to do in conflict situations in person right now), she calms down considerably.

 

Does this mean she doesn't have a SERIOUS problem? No. Does this mean I have to condone it? No. Does this mean regardless of whether she does/does not get treatment, that I have nothing to sort out? No.

 

What I do know is that the characterstics and talents of the person and her interests are very hard to find in my experience. That's why I fell in love with her. Does this mean I am not "worthy" or cannot find another person? No. I can find female companionship very easily, which is one reason she gets sensitive.

 

I have FINALLY put my foot down and took action after she went off the deep end to show her that it is NOT acceptable and hope (because of my love for her, not the illness) that she will realise she has some work to do no matter who she ends up with. THe cycle of blame and abuse has to end.

 

I am willing to start helping her end it, now. If she doesn't, that's fine. The hurt will be all mine and I will take it as a lesson learnt on others and more importantly, myself.

 

After sending the BPD links yesterday she didn't respond to the email, but she did SMS me to say that she saw our therapist by herself last night and she wanted me to know. I took that as a positive step and said I was happy for her and hope she got something positive out of it.

 

I will wait for further communication from her side rather than push it anymore. In the meantime, I have to focus on my own life but hope (perhaps in vain) we can have one together.

[Ms Darcy]

I will wait for further communication from her side rather than push it anymore. In the meantime, I have to focus on my own life but hope (perhaps in vain) we can have one together.

 

Why is that? Do you think you can't find someone to love who doesn't hit you?

[sahara56]

As I said, I CAN find lots of people. I have, and none of which have done ANYTHING like this. I can quickly call lots of people on my phone and find companionship if I so desired or go out and meet new people easily. I don't have a problem with that.

 

I have a problem finding someone that I actually care about. Rightly or wrongly, I do care about her.

 

I am not blinded to see how bizarre, inappropriate and possibly fruitless this relationship is/was/or may be. I'm just saying that taking all the pyscho-analyzing away about my background, my personality and her background and her personality, that I intrinsicly do like and want the things that she has

 

This is clearly a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR issue that I do not have to deal with if I chose someone else. It's too soon to tell if she will understand how major it is. I live in some faint hope.

[lavenderdove]

The point is you can say that there are so many qualities in a tiger that you just adore and don't see in a house cat, but that still doesn't make a tiger a good house cat, nor will it prevent that tiger from mauling you to death.

 

You can make that choice to try to live with someone who is abusive, manipulative etc., perhaps you need to ask yourself why you are desperately attempting to turn a tiger into a house cat, when it is not her nature. You can't cherry pick the things you like in the person, and say, i really want x, y, and z but she needs to stop being a, b, and c. She is who she is, and if you find yourself trying to 'manage' her to get what you need from her, it is not a healthy relationship.

 

Please keep up the counseling on your own so that you can learn how to have a healthy relationship without the co-dependence issues. You have to quit trying to 'shrink' her because that sets up an unhealthy dynamic (i.e., 'diagnosing' her as BPD and sending her materials on it etc.). Only a counselor/psychiatrist should make a diagnosis and suggest any treatments.

 

Frankly, sending her literature on BPD when she hasn't been diagnosed is over the top and might send her down the wrong path if her problem is she is bi polar or something other than BPD. It might also justfiably upset her, becasue you are trying to be her daddy/shrink rather than treating her like an equal there...

 

You can tell her what you will and won't tolerate, as in, i will not tolerate someone who hits me or verbally abuses me, and if you don't stop that now, i will not be in a relationship with you. You need to learn about boudaries and establishing them, and 'shrinking' her oversteps your boundaries with her, while not really addressing the real issue that pertains to you, which is her violence and over the top behavior.

 

Rather than self diagnosing her, a more appropriate approach would be to tell her you think she is perfect for you in so many ways, and a wonderful person in some many ways, BUT she has some behaviors that are just intolerable, like the violence and verbal abuse, and that if she wants to be with you she needs to take them to a doctor and work on them, because you will not be with her until she has that under control. Then resist the desire to 'shrink' her and 'help' her with her mental state, as that is the realm for professionals.

 

There's a reason for doctor-patient confidentiality, and you shouldn't be inserting yourself into her mental health and trying to make excuses for her based on reading up on BPD, nor assume that is her problem. She may be 'normal' but traumatized by a violent home and needs to unlearn that, or she may be bi polar and need medication to control her mental state, or she may be a sociopath who will never change, or she may be a spoiled selfish girl who feels entitled to rage at someone should she be in the mood, or any variety of other reasons for this kind of behavior.

 

But this is HER behavior and she needs to control it, and having you label her BPD isn't necessarily correct, and may cloud the real source of this behavior. She needs a doctor to do that.

[Cheetarah]

I don't understand why you're sending her any literature. You're not a doctor, so stop. It's not up to you to slap a potential diagnosis on her. BPD is not diagnosed overnight or even quickly. Behaviors and patterns need to be observed for a lengthy amount of time before it is considered.

 

You may think you're "helping" her by sending her these materials, but you're inadvertently sending the message that you don't see her on equal ground. BPD is a mental illness that has a lot of negativity and hopelessness surrounding treatment. If it is something she MAY have(which again, you should really stop attempting to diagnose), she needs to find out the brunt of her information from a professional - Who can advise her of the treatments available, and the ones that may help her. Not from reading some stuff on the internet and possibly getting the idea that it's not treatable AT ALL, among whatever else.

 

You need to set boundaries. Not diagnose. Not be the knight in shining armor. Not play shrink. link removed Actually, I would advocate leaving as most people would, but if you're going to stick around...You've got to be firm in boundaries.

 

And I suggest backing out of her mental space and pulling into your own - There's something not right if you have tolerated these behaviors. As you know, the only person we can change, is our own self.