abitbroken Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 Well this was a while ago, he doesn't really talk to me about his ''relationships'' anymore. Unless it's something bad with his girl, but that he likes or loves someone, not anymore, I'm thinking I must have not hid it well and he noticed it bothered me. Even if he doesn't go to you for advice - you are missing the point...there still IS a girl. I can't imagine him not being in my life. If we stop messing around, I don't care, I could deal with it, that's just sex, I could get that anywhere, but not seeing or talking to him, I can't do that. I never really believed in the '' love of my life'' thing, but I think he's mine. I can't get over him no matter what I do. I always said that about my ex husband when he tried to dump me. But you know what? After some physical separation and time went by, not to mention counseling, etc. - that feeling went away. And I kept saying the love of my life thing too but in truth he was the only one who was there for a lengthy amount of time (years) and when i had physical distance I realized it wasn't love if he treated me that way. Yes you CAN do it, and it helps to have someone like a sister or good girlfriend or a counselor that you an call when you get the urge to call him. When it comes to everything else, except US, we communicate fine. At one time we never spoke about us at all. it's just recently he's, you can say ''opening'' up a little, but soon as it starts to get a little heated, he'll change it or gets quiet. Like last week when I told him my ex was still here,(no we're not sleeping together, we sleep in separate rooms)and he didn't like that. This time instead of laughing it off like I always did, I said I feel the same about you and your girl. He got quiet. Punk So...you can make small talk. You can talk about movies. Current events. Funny things that happened. But you can't talk about your relationship or where you stand without it getting weird or heated. It leads me to believe that the two of you can't talk about serious issues together and hypothetically if you WERE really together with a baby in the next room or built a life together, it may not change. The relationship with my ex and I was that way. When I was really upset about something I would stuff it. It might take two to tango here, but I have a feeling that with the two other women, etc, and others, he can't face 'serious topics" or anything that requires him to be accountable to anyone. And that's why he isn't there for either child I have noticed that you say "its not like that now" or it "used to be that way" or "that was a while ago" a lot. Some things could be bygones, but there are somethings that people do or say that speak volumes about their character no matter if it was a year ago or yesterday. And it also sort of speaks to you sort of sidestepping the reality. Instead of "yes, thats a bad quality about him, or that's something I don't want in my life, but I'm still hooked," you are defending him at every turn. True, you all make good points and aren't wrong about anything, I'm definitely gonna look into birth control. Don't see any point in the pill since there's no one else and we barely see each other, but I know there's lots of others like a shot. I'll do my research. There still is a point in the pill if you take it regularly because then you will always be prepared. There will be no excuse that you don't have other protection or if you refuse to make him wear a condom. But the problem is if you are not good about taking it. There are other things your gyno can suggest if you are a bad pill taker. And there are coupons on link removed and deals at cvs or walgreens sometimes on condoms. Carry one (or more) in your purse. I don't know, maybe you are a norplant candidate because so far you have refused to use protection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 22, 2010 Author Share Posted July 22, 2010 I know, things have to change, I'm upset right now and when I see him next month we're gonna talk seriously. No laughing, giggling, pushing & chasing each other like kids like we always do. I'm in some serious mode right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 I agree with abitbroken. You say you are best friends but you can't talk about serious issues, like the giant elephant in the room (i.e. your feelings for him and his non-reciprocation of them and unwillingness to commit). That to me says he's not really as a good a friend as you would like him to be, and honestly as long as he is with someone else he will continue that emotional distance from you- because he is unavailable. Like abitbroken I also believed I was with the love of my life many years ago and while I did love him, and he was a generally good guy, there were things about him that I couldn't accept and weren't fair to me as a partner and I did leave him, and although it was very hard at first, time passed and those feelings did go away and I realized he wasn't the love of my life because he wasn't 100% honest and he did things that hurt me, whether they were intended or not. I later met a wonderful man who I have been with for 8 years and married and had a child with, and I can tell you that what you are looking for IS out there if you break away from this toxic guy and start to take care of yourself and believe it. And- on the topic of birth control- although ideally you would stop sleeping with this guy if you were smart, I somehow doubt you will, so PLEASE if you are going to do it, use condoms as well as any other pregnancy control, since this guy has a history of sleeping around and you could contract herpes or HIV or some other disease for which there is no cure- and there is NO going back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lamour detruit Posted July 22, 2010 Share Posted July 22, 2010 You are in denial. You have no grasp of what is good for you and the reality, that nothing will come out of this. He already has many kids, and if you believe you are considered special to him, his behavior clearly shows you are not. I would highly suggest you stop seeing him, and especially you start being extremely careful in terms of condoms and the like if you do decide to have sex again. Considering I have read previous posts by you, I am guessing you will have sex with him again..but you will regret it once this all blows over..especially if you were to be pregnant by a guy who will not care for you and will not be in a relationship with you, or when you contract a non curable std. I do not see the strength of the relationship that you say is existent, it just seems like he is playing you..and you are a very easy target. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Share Posted July 23, 2010 I'm gonna double check & go to the clinic. I don't really trust that dollar test. As for him..I don't know. Part of me wants to end it & part of me doesn't. I sometimes thought he just wants his cake and to eat it too, like so he can be with whoever he wants & also have me on the side, but then I would think ''no he feels something for me, out of all the girls he's been with & can have, why he keeps coming to me'' but now from what I saw yesterday & today, I'm almost sure that's what he wants to keep me on the side. Punk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted July 23, 2010 Share Posted July 23, 2010 I'm gonna double check & go to the clinic. I don't really trust that dollar test. As for him..I don't know. Part of me wants to end it & part of me doesn't. I sometimes thought he just wants his cake and to eat it too, like so he can be with whoever he wants & also have me on the side, but then I would think ''no he feels something for me, out of all the girls he's been with & can have, why he keeps coming to me'' but now from what I saw yesterday & today, I'm almost sure that's what he wants to keep me on the side. Punk What did you see yesterday and today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Share Posted July 23, 2010 What did you see yesterday and today? Yesterday, about 10 mins after I spoke to him online I accidentally clicked on his name and it brought up his page and I saw he wrote something on her wall, so I looked to see what he wrote, and he said ''baby you look so good you won't be walking right tomorrow." I was like whoa, last month he's saying he doesn't want to be with her anymore and that he's going to come down here without her. Last week, he asked for pictures of me, which he's never done before and it surprised me, and he basically told me the same thing how sexy I was and that I got him ''excited.'' Today, when I signed on, first thing I saw was he changed his relationship status back to ''in a relationship'' and I know it was him, he can't say it wasn't. I'm upset because he doesn't have to act with me. When I bring her up, he doesn't wanna talk about her and the look on his face is like he doesn't care, and if he does talk about her, it's always he doesn't want to be with her. I don't know what's going on with him. Things where so much simpler when we first met it was just for fun. Once the we're best friends started, and we started saying ''i love you'' he got secretive about all that, and he acts like he doesn't care about them around me. He's online now too. I'm not saying anything to him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I'm gonna double check & go to the clinic. I don't really trust that dollar test. As for him..I don't know. Part of me wants to end it & part of me doesn't. I sometimes thought he just wants his cake and to eat it too, like so he can be with whoever he wants & also have me on the side, but then I would think ''no he feels something for me, out of all the girls he's been with & can have, why he keeps coming to me'' but now from what I saw yesterday & today, I'm almost sure that's what he wants to keep me on the side. Punk Yesterday, about 10 mins after I spoke to him online I accidentally clicked on his name and it brought up his page and I saw he wrote something on her wall, so I looked to see what he wrote, and he said ''baby you look so good you won't be walking right tomorrow." I was like whoa, last month he's saying he doesn't want to be with her anymore and that he's going to come down here without her. Last week, he asked for pictures of me, which he's never done before and it surprised me, and he basically told me the same thing how sexy I was and that I got him ''excited.'' Today, when I signed on, first thing I saw was he changed his relationship status back to ''in a relationship'' and I know it was him, he can't say it wasn't. I'm upset because he doesn't have to act with me. When I bring her up, he doesn't wanna talk about her and the look on his face is like he doesn't care, and if he does talk about her, it's always he doesn't want to be with her. I don't know what's going on with him. Things where so much simpler when we first met it was just for fun. Once the we're best friends started, and we started saying ''i love you'' he got secretive about all that, and he acts like he doesn't care about them around me. He's online now too. I'm not saying anything to him Do you see now what kind of player he is? He acts like he doesn't care because he is manipulative. I am glad you are starting to see this. Of course he's going to tell you that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He wants to get in your pants. That kind of talk gets you to agree to visit him or for him to visit you, or to talk you into sex once he's with you. Of course he knows you want to hear that you are the "only one" and he really doesn't want to be with the other ones. And he'll tell them the same about you. And you still don't know what's going on with him? If you stopped this, he would just find someone else to sleep with and I bet he has more than just the two mothers, he probably has others, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Share Posted July 24, 2010 I always knew he was a player since I first met him. That's the main reason I'm upset is cause he's lying to ME when I'm the one who never told on him. I even told him when he said he wanted to leave her that he should do what's best for him and the baby. I thought about there might be other baby moms, if they are, they haven't said anything. He's gonna see a side of me that he's never seen before. Won't be no sweet talk, doing everything he asks, wanting to make him happy...nope. I don't want to be second best anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I'm sorry that you have to see that but this is exactly what I was worried about. You are only seeing one side of the story, the side he shows you and the story he tells you, but you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors at their house, and he tells you what you want to hear and whatever it takes to get in your pants, and you are buying it. It's the oldest line in a cheater's book- "I'm not happy with my wife/partner", "we never have sex anymore", "I'm only with her for the kids/can't afford a divorce/separation." It's nice that you aren't talking to him now but that doesn't have any real weight- maybe this is the motivation you need to cut him from your life forever. Again, real friends don't treat you this way (lie to you and use you). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted July 24, 2010 Share Posted July 24, 2010 I always knew he was a player since I first met him. That's the main reason I'm upset is cause he's lying to ME when I'm the one who never told on him. I even told him when he said he wanted to leave her that he should do what's best for him and the baby. I thought about there might be other baby moms, if they are, they haven't said anything. He's gonna see a side of me that he's never seen before. Won't be no sweet talk, doing everything he asks, wanting to make him happy...nope. I don't want to be second best anymore I think this is what you need to see, that you really aren't anything special to him and you aren't any different than any of the other women he's lied down with and made babies with. This guy is a total scumbag, and you are letting him get away with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 24, 2010 Author Share Posted July 24, 2010 I'm sorry that you have to see that but this is exactly what I was worried about. You are only seeing one side of the story, the side he shows you and the story he tells you, but you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors at their house, and he tells you what you want to hear and whatever it takes to get in your pants, and you are buying it. It's the oldest line in a cheater's book- "I'm not happy with my wife/partner", "we never have sex anymore", "I'm only with her for the kids/can't afford a divorce/separation." I know those are things cheaters say and that's the thing...I don't want to sound easy by saying this, cause it does sound bad and he's the ONLY one I'm like this with, but he never had to lie and say those things to get in my pants. He got it whenever/where ever he wanted it. I was the geeky girl from the nice neighborhood, he was the hottest boy from the bad neighborhood. No way I was gonna pass any attention from him. I guess the yrs apart changed both of us. Maybe he can tell I want more now, so he just tells me that to keep me happy. It's nice that you aren't talking to him now but that doesn't have any real weight- maybe this is the motivation you need to cut him from your life forever. Again, real friends don't treat you this way (lie to you and use you). I'm still mad and don't want to talk to him. He did comment on my status this morning saying he wants to fight me. I replied back that he talks alot of s*** but never does anything about it. That's kind of our foreplay. We talk like that, which leads to wrestling, I get pinned down, etc... But when I said that, I meant it from the things he's told me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Share Posted July 26, 2010 Now he says we're getting married. He didn't ask, he just assumes we are. Now my head is all screwed up, my heart is on cloud 9 & my head is screaming W.T.F.!!! Never saw that coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 Now he says we're getting married. He didn't ask, he just assumes we are. Now my head is all screwed up, my heart is on cloud 9 & my head is screaming W.T.F.!!! Never saw that coming. Oh Honey, Read what you wrote above. I wouldn't believe anything this guy says. He is all talk and no action. Why are you still allowing him to jerk you around like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 26, 2010 Author Share Posted July 26, 2010 Oh Honey, Read what you wrote above. I wouldn't believe anything this guy says. He is all talk and no action. Why are you still allowing him to jerk you around like this? Believe me, I'm trying not too. I think I was doing good cause usually when I see him online, I always want to talk to him. These past couple of days, I didn't want too. Then he messaged me first yesterday asking what I was doing. I answered back. The convo turned towards us eventually and he said he wanted me to fulfill his fantasy before we got married. I figured he was talking about with her & me with somebody else, so I said 'I never said I was getting married' and he said with him when he moves here. Of course, my heart did like 20 skips in one second, and my ''auto reply'' was so hurry up. then he said soon. So now the stupid part of me who wants the love & happily ever after is screaming ''yes!'' and the smart part of me is saying 'this can't be happening and there's no way this can be real. I've never even been his girlfriend. Looks like we're definitely gonna have our first serious talk about ''us'' soon cause I don't think this is fair. He knows he has me wrapped around his finger. Guess I didn't hide it as well as I thought I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lamour detruit Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 No offense, but you are naive beyond words. This guy still has you wrapped around his fingers, regardless of how well you say you can resist. The whole "getting married" thing is just a ploy to get you back to him, so he can continue the cycle. That is obvious to everyone. He will never marry you. The whole "fairytale love" thing never even existed in the first place, because you guys have never been together, and he has always continued to stay with another girl. Get your act together. Nothing will happen between you two except for you being used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 26, 2010 Share Posted July 26, 2010 Arabella, You know better. Deep down you do. You jsut don't give yourself credit. Do you honestly think a man who has been juggling women thinks you are "the one." You are just the one not giving him as much lip right now, that's all. The other two (or more) have children with him and are probably bugging him about taking responsibility but because you just give him a blank smile and put up with it while being angry or sad on the inside he thinks he can walk over you a bit better. I was with a man who didn't treat me that great. There were no other women (not sexually, but to be honest he confided emotionally too much in other women), but when he suggested marriage I lost a lot of my senses because I felt that he was "choosing" me and I felt validated and that I finally would be treated well. Well, wouldn't you know it, a year into the marriage things went WAY downhill and before the 4th year was up, he was gone. and I mean as in gone=totally out of my life - whereabouts unknown. I have a feeling that it is extremely validating to hear those words, but its garbage. he won't marry you. But let's say hypothetically he does, your life will be full of drama and be prepared for him to have women on the side. That's a guarantee. And it will start with the mothers of the kids. And he'll tell some gal that he really doesn't love you and you don't have sex and will be running around in notime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted July 27, 2010 Share Posted July 27, 2010 Yes- you need to stop him in his tracks and tell him flat out: "Do not propose to me. You lie, you cheat, you have never been faithful, I know you are a player, you have children with at least 2 if not more women. You are NOT marriage material and I would be a fool to even consider marrying someone like you." Read that over. You yourself admit he's never been faithful to anyone and is a total player. Why would you EVER consider a marriage proposal from him? (and, that really wasn't a proposal, it was just more BS musing from him, saying what he thinks you want to here to keep you around.) A man who was serious about marrying you would not be with another woman, sleeping with both of you, have a track record of being a total player and cheater, would not lie to you, or use you. If you are looking for your happy ending, believe me this is NOT it. Please wake up and stop allowing him to do this to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 28, 2010 Author Share Posted July 28, 2010 Ok I get it. He's a cheater, a liar, and we'll never have a happily ever after. You know a couple of yrs ago, I convinced myself that no guy would ever love me, but now I'm trying to undo all that, and since there's no one else I care about, thinking he really cares sort of helps. Even if it's a 0.5 percent chance he cares..it's better than nothing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 Ok I get it. He's a cheater, a liar, and we'll never have a happily ever after. You know a couple of yrs ago, I convinced myself that no guy would ever love me, but now I'm trying to undo all that, and since there's no one else I care about, thinking he really cares sort of helps. Even if it's a 0.5 percent chance he cares..it's better than nothing How old are you, Arabella? How many men have you dated seriously and what were those relationships like? I really think you are shortchanging yourself. You seem to be mocking the advice you have gotten here, advice from thoughtful, kind people who actually have your best interests at heart and are trying to help, which ironically is more than anyone can say about the guy you are clinging to. Just some food for thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 28, 2010 Share Posted July 28, 2010 Ok I get it. He's a cheater, a liar, and we'll never have a happily ever after. You know a couple of yrs ago, I convinced myself that no guy would ever love me, but now I'm trying to undo all that, and since there's no one else I care about, thinking he really cares sort of helps. Even if it's a 0.5 percent chance he cares..it's better than nothing You are willing to accept just a small scrap of affection because "its better than nothing?" Believe me, I've had the "better than nothing" thing and his sister told me that my ex was a wonderful man. Some women have guys that break their jaws and he doesn't so that somehow makes him a prize. If you actually walk away from him and perhaps get some counseling etc, or whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself, you will have an excellent chance of meeting someone where there is a 70 to 100% chance that another guy "really cares". I guess it boils down to that you have no respect for yourself. If you had respect for yourself, this guy wouldn't come around because you'd be a gal that knows she is better than having to share a guy and better than a guy occasionally coming around for a booty call. And because you think "that's the best you can do", you do NOT want to be at a higher level of respect for yourself because it means that he will leave you alone and find other women who will be pushovers and you can't stand that thought as codependent and dysfunctional as it sounds. My ex freaked when I started coming into my own, and he did everything to keep me down because he was afraid I would leave him if I figured out I deserved better treatment. He left me instead, but I am with someone who I deserve now and treats me well. Believe me, give yourself a chance. Get rid of this guy. Or it seems if you merely didn't answer his calls, he would stop calling and he would go away. Get some help. Go to counseling or support groups. Do volunteer work or something else that fulfills you and makes you feel good and pretty soon you will feel a lot more respect for yourself and down the line you will meet a good, upstanding man who loves you and only you. But you will never get there hanging onto the hope that this man MIGHT love you after he wades through and spits out other women and then will only be with you if you keep your mouth shut while you are upset on the inside and put up with his inevitable other kids with even more women. Sorry to sound harsh, but its hard to read all of this. You can do better, even if "better" is just being with yourself for awhile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Share Posted July 29, 2010 How old are you, Arabella? How many men have you dated seriously and what were those relationships like? I really think you are shortchanging yourself. You seem to be mocking the advice you have gotten here, advice from thoughtful, kind people who actually have your best interests at heart and are trying to help, which ironically is more than anyone can say about the guy you are clinging to. Just some food for thought. I'm 22. I've been with lots of guys. Only two were serious, all the others were just guys I messed with or dated on the side for a month or two. The serious relationships I had were disasters. Cheating, arguing, fist fighting, etc. One is here and we just finished arguing cause he wants cold beers NOW and I don't want to go to the store at 2am when he could put the ones he has in the freezer. That's a everyday thing when he's here. When I was messing around, I convinced myself that sex was all guys would want me for. I snapped out of that though once I ''changed'' and stopped messing around. I'm definitely not mocking any advice given here. I appreciate it all. It might be a little frustrating when I try to explain how we are and all I read is ''he doesn't care, he's using you" which is fine, I'm not upset. What I'm just trying to say is out of all the guys I've been with, NONE of them are around, except him and I really don't think he searched for me online after almost 4 yrs and drove hours to see me just cause the sex was good, and if that is the reason than wow lol Well now she found texts on his phone to another girl, so he has to leave. I didn't wanna get into ''oh there's ANOTHER one? or well what about us meeting up?" cause his kid is more important, so I just played my best friend role and tried to cheer him up about having to leave his daughter. I guess it boils down to that you have no respect for yourself. If you had respect for yourself, this guy wouldn't come around because you'd be a gal that knows she is better than having to share a guy and better than a guy occasionally coming around for a booty call. And because you think "that's the best you can do", you do NOT want to be at a higher level of respect for yourself because it means that he will leave you alone and find other women who will be pushovers and you can't stand that thought as codependent and dysfunctional as it sounds. Back in high school I was like that. Now I know I deserve better. I tried o get over him with that alcoholic fool in my room, I tried again with this other guy I met a few months ago. Neither worked. It's not about the booty call. If he was to say to me that he wants to be faithful to whoever he's with, that's fine. Yea, I'll be hurt, and it would probably be better that way, but I can't stop being his friend. Maybe there is somebody out there who can take my mind off him, just haven't found him yet. My ex freaked when I started coming into my own, and he did everything to keep me down because he was afraid I would leave him if I figured out I deserved better treatment. He left me instead, but I am with someone who I deserve now and treats me well. Believe me, give yourself a chance. Get rid of this guy. Or it seems if you merely didn't answer his calls, he would stop calling and he would go away. Get some help. Go to counseling or support groups. Do volunteer work or something else that fulfills you and makes you feel good and pretty soon you will feel a lot more respect for yourself and down the line you will meet a good, upstanding man who loves you and only you. But you will never get there hanging onto the hope that this man MIGHT love you after he wades through and spits out other women and then will only be with you if you keep your mouth shut while you are upset on the inside and put up with his inevitable other kids with even more women. Sorry to sound harsh, but its hard to read all of this. You can do better, even if "better" is just being with yourself for awhile. That's the thing. I feel fine. I feel good & I know I'm pretty now. Honestly being alone makes me think of him more, but I'm not jumping into anything just to get my mind off him. I tried that with that singer and had to rip him a new one for lying & trying to play me, and it worked too, no more of his lies since then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lamour detruit Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 You are only kidding yourself. You are still used for nothing but physical things. In time, you will see that as well..but by then, it will be too late. There is not more to the relationship you guys have than you are trying to portray. It is a nice attempt to try and convince yourself, but it isn't fooling anyone else. You are still not with the type of guy that would treat you right, and until you have the self worth you need..the cycle will continue as it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secretness87 Posted July 29, 2010 Share Posted July 29, 2010 I've been following a bit of your posts for a bit and I'm just wondering what's the update with the pregnancy thing? and oh yeah, I agree with what everyone else has said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arabella314 Posted July 29, 2010 Author Share Posted July 29, 2010 I've been following a bit of your posts for a bit and I'm just wondering what's the update with the pregnancy thing? and oh yeah, I agree with what everyone else has said. Still no period. Last time I got it was June 3rd. Looks like I'll just have to find that clinic and go myself, cause I'll be waiting on my friend forever, and also she'll have to bring her kid with us & that little girl makes me not want to have kids Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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