Going on "the break"

[Bigchief]

Thansk for the advice, yea well I splet it all out there a few days ago, two hour phone call and sent her flowers too- nice ones! Shes still not sure shes waiting for a sign etc.

 

OK now its back to me, completely agree with Matt- its time to be selfish- eat good, live good, feel good. I also intend to be with other people, why not? My heart may not be in it but its good fun and will take my mind off things.

 

No point in waiting round like a moron to be dumped!

 

Got my fortune told over the w/e the lady was amazing-not really a believr in this stuff but she knew everything so accurately re above situation- I will be happy in love soon.....but she didnt know who with, it could be the ex? Anyway she got everything else right so I believe her about this.

 

Thanks again

[Bigchief]

Crap, so ive been doing the NC and it is working brilliantly! I feel much better, been working out, been catching up with friends I havent seen in ages, going to a music festival next weekend, work is going really well. Life last 4 days have been best in weeks and I am really looking forwrad to the weekend!

 

Also she has been going crazy (not that I want to make her sad etc) but when she texts I usually wait ages and then send something back completely crap like hope you have a nice evening, or something polite but with Zero affection, OK technically not NC but almost. Anyway she rings me all upset saying she misses me so much and she wants to see me again and do I miss her.......etc. I was out with friends at the time so it made it look as if I was having a great time (this is so petty but you know what its like!). Anyway she wants to meet up early next week to talk. I said OK.

 

Oh but then she asks me have I kissed anyone since the break.........oh oh. I did kiss (just kiss) one girl as per my previous quote. But when we went on the break we did say it was cool to do whatever as I didnt see the point in being exclusive to someone who just dumped you essentially and I did forsee something like this happening.

 

So legally (as per the terms of the break up) Im fine, in reality she wont be cool about it at all, AT ALL!!!!! I know she hasnt kissed anyone. I dont want to lie to her so I said, it was none of her business in a jokey way and she thought I was just messing and trying to make her jealous, however I know shes going to ask me again, and again.

 

What do I do? Just keep saying its none of her business or Lie or tell the truth.

All of those are pretty crappy options, Im a bad liar and if she found out I was lying later she would go nuts. We never lied to eachother in the 3 years we were together, its not in my nature.

 

I think the truth would kill her and could mean thats it

 

I am not going to be able to say of its none of your business for ever.

 

Help?

[1guygirl]

tell the truth, and face up to your actions, jus as by taking the break, she has to face up to her part

 

if its going to work, its got to be on a foundation of truth, and its jus the chance youre going to have to take

 

when i was on a break with my now ex, we both agreed that we wouldnt date/kiss/whatever with anyone else. how else could we sort things while getting off with other peeps. had it been a full on break up tho thats diff, and when he did get with someone else whilst we were broke up, yes when he told me it stung, but im glad he was honest because i could then make an informed decision to go bak to him. had i found out later id have felt weird about it. remember to withold the truth is also a lie

 

your call

[FrenchFries]

IDK...maybe it's just me but all this stuff people do in NC seems so manipulative. I get it, you want your ex back and it's all fun and games right now, but it may bite you in the butt later on.

 

Anyhow, my opinion should you tell her about the kiss? Yes because she asked. I know an answer like "It's none of your business" would make me suspicious so she probably already thinks you did. You will have to tell her sometime, may as well be sooner than later. Don't let it be something she finds out about through someone else, or find out you were just stalling all along. It's hard to tell. Might it solidify her decision to make the break permanent? Possibly, but that is a chance you will have to take. The two of you did agree that exclusivity was not necessary but in reality what you did while apart will matter at some point.

 

You could just request that the two of you not speak about such things until you are talking about getting back together. Sounds like you are having a good time out there. Perhaps you will decide you don't want to go back.

[Bigchief]

OK this is it...the moment I’ve been waiting for and it’s come as a surprise. She wants to get back and for us to be serious and be with each other forever. Only thing is now its caught me completely off guard and I am now unsure about it.

I don’t know what the issue is I should be delighted, It’s what I’ve been praying for and now its happened I am not looking forward to meeting her, its like I had dealt with the fact we were gone and now I almost resent her for it. What’s going on, is this Grass is Greener syndrome?

 

Really confused I didn’t think this would happen so suddenly and I can’t believe I am not ecstatic. Have I fallen out of love with her?

If we don’t get back am I going to realize in a month I made a mistake?

I dont think we will ever be the same again.

[Ms Darcy]

Let's remove all discussion of GiGs here. Only SHE can and should tell you what her motivations for leaving and coming back were. I think you are right to be cautious. I would not consider taking someone back who could not communicate what exactly is going on inside. Why? Because she very well might take off again in the near future saying "the spark is gone."

 

Concerning your feelings, there is some very natural resentment. You might even feel taken for granted - that she can leave and come back like your suffering didn't matter.

 

I would advise you to take it slow. You don't have to make any decisions soon. Just listen to what she has to say and communicate to her that she needs to prove herself trustworthy before you really let her in again.

[Bigchief]

thansk but even of she does proove herself to me, Im not sure whether I want her in again........its amazing I was getting on fine just the last few days- really really well.

My life was so simple. No financial worry, no new car, no new house (she always wanted me to get these things)- job going great...

no timetable, no pressure. I feel and look better and am happier now! I am rediscovering my interests and my friends.

 

Im going to meet her and see what she has to say. We invested 3 years together and I really care for her, just not sure if its love still? I think she made a big mistake by calling the break and giving me the time to experience myself again. It makes me very sad that this happened, she sent me a lovely email that said she loved me and she clearly put a lot of effort into it.

 

why are things so complicated? How did it potentailly go from her dupming me to me dumping her........oh no!I guess its not that simple the break was called due to issues on both sides and now its become clearer for us both only in opposite ways from which we initially started. Maybe.....I dont know, I'll meet her and find out, the only thing I am sure of is that I am not ready to go back to a full realtionship immediately and definitely not ready to propose.

 

Thanks again

 

Confused

[Ms Darcy]

That's the funny thing about psychology. When she ran, you wanted her. When she stop running, you wondered if she was really worth chasing. My only advice to you is to ... breath. When you are confused you don't want to make any decisions that you might regret. Being left leaves a huge scar. It breaks trust and I can understand why you are confused. Just give it time and be happy that you have a choice that many people do not have.

[Bigchief]

We met, she looked beutiful and had a little present for me. She talked about what we should do next year together, we shoudl move in....she was at a bad time in her life- now ist all sorted and shes got her priorities straight and I am num one.

 

Should be music to my ears, it would have been a month ago, only now I cant look at us in the same light, its gone......? How can she suddenly fall back in love with me...Im suspicious maybe.

 

I told her it wasnt that simple and i needed some time to get my thoughst straight. She is so disapponted (she is very sweet and sensitive). I would hate to hurt her but I cant even text her, I dont want to see her, I could meet her tonight and I dont want to.

 

The things that is stopping me from breaking up is- I still have strong feelings for her and care for her, I know she will be absolutely devistated.

Also , is this just a temporary feeling and it might pass- I dont want to be kicking myself in 2 months time when I meet her with new guy!

 

The tides have turned I am in the driving seat and it sucks, it was easier with her dumping me. I probably sound like an ididot but I had just started to move on and begin to enjoy being single and free.......then this happened.

 

Now its up to me whether I make this decision and the outcome will change my life forever its probably teh bigest decsion ive ever made----I got the feeling I got to make it soon.

 

any advice?

God both options are terrible, maybe we shoudl get back on a trial run and see what happens?

[Ms Darcy]

No rush to do anything really. Take your time to think about it.

[cc89131]

Think about it and let us know.

[homebody]

Hey Bigchief I am in a similar situation but in the reverse. My bf wanted to take a step back to get himself together. He has money probs(not enough of it), past hurts from old relationships, and still grieving for the loss of a sibling. So he is going to go to counseling and then we will see. He thinks I am the the perfect woman and loves me so much blah blah blah, but for me, I think it's best for me to get on with my life for now. I do wonder if I will be in your shoes when all this is said an done. Grief and work stresses are hard and that is the only reason why I am deciding to give it some time. Not knowing what is going to happen is the worst for me.

 

Second chance? Yes If you love her, but I would go very slow. This is the problem with taking a break or stepping back. It's hurtful. It can never be how it was.

 

It's just best to start over, especially if the feelings are still there. She needs to know and be willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust as she "broke" the relationship. Maybe both of you can go to a counselor to find out how to reconnect without the resentment. Then you can work through your feelings and it may help you both figure out what to do. Good luck to ya!

[Cloudy Days]

Bigchief, it's understandably hard to go back to the way things were considering she initiated the break and gave you doubt about the relationship. In fact, there would always be this idea inside your head that perhaps it may happen again... that every time she goes into this mini crisis, she deals with it in such a way that places you on the sideline.

 

Take it slow and see where the next step takes you.

[Bigchief]

Thanks for the advice folks and sorry to hear about your situation Homebody.

OK she spent all day crying so we are going back (on a trial basis)......we are meeting later and will chill and do something nice tomo.

 

I hope it works out, I don’t feel heartbroken anymore but I do feel sad that I’m less confident about us now, its kind of like a dark loss of innocence feeling..(just read that back....what the hell am I talking about..... lol)

 

The experience has made me stronger and learn a lot about myself, my life, my situation- it has been very hard. My gut feeling is we won't last, I hope if we break we can be strong and she doesn’t get hurt like I did because she is a little angel.

 

Who knows it might work! Anyway I'll let you know how it goes. Many thanks this is a great site, in all honestly I would NEVER have gone on something like this before only the despair drove me here and it’s been such a support. People are nice, there is humanity out there!!

[Ms Darcy]

OK she spent all day crying so we are going back (on a trial basis)......we are meeting later and will chill and do something nice tomo.

 

The experience has made me stronger and learn a lot about myself, my life, my situation- it has been very hard. My gut feeling is we won't last, I hope if we break we can be strong and she doesn’t get hurt like I did because she is a little angel.

 

So you got back with her because she was crying? That's what your sentence implies.

 

If your gut is telling you it won't last ... well, I always say trust your gut.

[Bigchief]

we met she stayed over we had a lovely day.........she knows that something has changed and is heart broken. Devistated, way worse than I was and I was terrible. I cant say what she wants me to say, hopefully I will soon my heart just needs to heal.

 

She has exams coming up and I care for her so much I cant pull the trigger before these happen, I just cant. I really hope I can get my head back into this but its not easy. I think we will go on holiday ion October (after her exams) and try to rekindle the flame. She will also get a job offer or not between now and then. God I hope she gets it.

 

I care for her so much just my heart has been broken and it cant just come back liek that. I really ament feeling it right now but if I break up with her it would cause her too much distress and I just cant do that to her period. I still love her so much but just dont feel in love with her.the old cliche.

 

I feel teh exact way she felt 2 months ago and she changed her mind so it could happen to me?

 

Ms Darcy, I did in a way get back because she was crying but stratedgy goes out teh window when you have that happens you.

Im lost now and hate causing hurt but what can I do.........if I call it quits or say I need a longer break I will ruin her life potentially- fail her exams, not get job, she would be screwed. I cant do that

[Ms Darcy]

Who knows? You could change her mind and then she changes her mind again.

[homebody]

BigChief I think your relationship has just become complicated. I am not sure people just fall out of love so easily, but maybe it is possible to fall out as fast as you do in. I think time will bear out the truth. I think somewhere maybe you resent her a little bit and that is what is making you feel like you aren't in love. I guess the blinders have come off, it's hard to look at another person's frailties for the first time. I hope you can rekindle the flame (least your eyes are bit more open), move past this and get back on track. Good luck!

[Bigchief]

ehhhh Ok, one fact I neglected to tell you all is that I had a sexual encounter with some random girl (never met before) prior to my ex stating that she wants to get back. As I said in my quotes from 2 weeks ago I considered us finito and therefore would play the game. Anyway the world is a small place and my ex found out and went ape sh*t.

 

Seriously a night of random passion has ended up playing center field......even in a big city u are always watched.

 

After being grilled I came clean and have given all the details (honestly) and now recon we are 100pc finito. As I said we were on a break and I thought we were really finished. Bottom line im in a whole load of trouble (because I initially lied about it last w/e). I wasn’t expecting a grilling on my sex life over the break and my story had so many holes in it, it was destined to fail. Anyway I came clean 100% and now feel like a weight is off my shoulders. I was wrong to lie but could not tell her face to face when we met, as I wasn’t expecting these questions. Now ive told her and she is VIVIL. Just to remind you she dumped (went on break) me and we had no obligations to each other, we cleared this at the break.

 

So I was with this girl two Saturdays ago and then I get text off ex on Sunday saying she wants to get back...unexpectedly

 

Now im in the dog house because despite the fact that we said if we scored on break we would keep to ourselves, she grilled me and I am a hopeless liar and failed miserably. Now she has gone crazy........CRAZY, I think she even rang that girl (who by bizarre coincidence knows her friend).

 

Am I in the wrong? I don’t think so I just think this is closure.

God almighty this is a soap opera 

 

I think she has vilified me to all her friends and her parents, ie therefore no chance of a come back. Now I don’t want to get back, im sorry I didn’t break off when she texted me two weeks ago.

 

I was faithful for three years only going astray after I was dumped now she wants me back and is using this break period against me Are women crazy?

[beachbound]

Wow...quite the situation you are in. It reminds me of a couple I once knew...let's just call them Ross and Rachael (Friends!) Just kidding.

 

Truthfully, you were on a break...what happens on a break should stay on the break. What if it took her 2 years to figure out how she felt about you...should you then wait 2 years to open up sexually to another woman?

 

The flip-side...was it a break or a break up. A break implies a short amount of time...I would say less than a month. And it also implies that ever said time, there will be a conversation had between both of you to figure out where you each stand. If this was never discussed, my thoughts were that you were broken up.

 

In the end, it sounds like you really didn't want to get back together with her and although maybe you would have handled things differently, it is what it is now.

 

P.S. Your not loving her now could easily be resentment you have for her leaving the relationship. It's something I know I will struggle with should I get back together with my ex. You need to consciously be aware of it and talk through it or it will eat you up and destroy your relationship.

[Bigchief]

We are back, not the same as before (understandably) but she is 100% and "more in love than ever". I am giving it 100% and it feels good.

Were going on holidays in October and really hope it works out.

 

I came clean re the "encounter" I had and it was very upsetting for us both.....but honestly it’s great to get that off my mind, it was the first step forward.

 

For those on a "break" make the most of it, look after yourself and be selfish, learn to love yourself and NC or very low C is the way to go......if its meant to be it is meant to be.

 

I would suggest a few all out statements of love, flowers a few weeks in, but other than that be cool and try to get happy. Make the most of single life!

 

Still confused, but she’s a great girl and still have very strong feelings for her, so i hope that we can get back on track slowly but surely.

 

Thanks for all the advice!

[Ms Darcy]

Good luck and let us know how it goes~

[Bigchief]

Oh Oh , I’m back and not good to be honest. To remind you and save you reading all the posts. My GF went on break with me last June, broke my heart, I kind of got myself together kissed a really nice new girl and then got back with the original GF (in August). Things have been mixed but most of the time I have been unhappy and its not the same as before. I have a good job in London and have just been offered a better job (once in a lifetime offer) in Frankfurt. She is still studying (unwaged). I am 33 she is 26. OK now its all came to a head again and she wont move and recons that long term relationship wont work.

 

So basically I am waiting final offer from new bank and then will have 3 weeks to consider. This issue has highlighted all our issues and everything has come to head. She thinks I am selfish asking her to move- I hinted at proposal and will look after her over there financially- but I know it would be a disaster as I would be travelling all the time and although there is good English speaking jobs (for her) in Frankfurt she’s not into it. I can’t handle the stress of a new job and a moaning GF.

 

She says I am killing her dream because she can only do her course in London- all my friends and family think i would be mad not to take job. All her friend and family think I am selfish (I guess its down to the spin). Im really disappointed that she doesnt see the opportunity hear and if i refuse and we break up- I am a class a moron!!

 

I do love her but this is one issue that we cant seem to sort, and it’s a nice issue (a positive job offer) in fairness. We will have to go through a lot more bad things together if we spend our lives together, such as illness etc.

 

I didn’t look for the job it just came along out of the blue, its with the top bank in my sector, it’s a brilliant post money etc.

 

What do I do?