Boyfriends role with my son

[LostLeo42]

You are all so right. He is my responsibility. I will teach him the best I can. I just get so envious of people that have a family where they all do things together. Just 2 is hard sometimes.

[lavenderdove]

But you can always make a choice to look for a man who does want to be more part of your life, both your own and your son's.

 

I don't think after 5 years that you are expecting too much of him IF what you want is a real partner rather than just a guy who isn't all that committed to you. Some people want more commitment from someone than others, so you have to decide whether you are willing to take 'commitment lite' from him, or whether you want a man who is more deeply bonded to both you and your son.

[sidehop]

As much as he may not be his biological father, he can still get involved to be that father/male figure which I strongly believe is important for any child in a family. History shows a child growing up without a father or weak father figure in the household eventually causes wide variety of psychological problems later in life.

 

And I agree with lavender, if after four years he's not considering all of you as a family unit (as much as he may be involved in other areas) there may be a commitment problem. I feel terrible about what happened his sister and don't know his exact view on the situation with your son but he can and has the opportunity to raise your son together. Otherwise I'm afraid there will be a long-term impact on your son's behavior and not having that close bond that a boy needs from a male figure.

[uncomfynumb]

Yes you are wrong in the fact that you expect a boyfriend to assume the role of father to your son.

 

The moment that you decided to conceive a child and bear a child with a man that was not 100% willing to meet that obligation is the moment that you took on 100%responsibility for that child and that means filling both roles as best as YOU can, not dating a man to take on that responsibility for you.

 

Have you considered the effect of having a man get close to your and your child and then leaving might have on your child? Your son has already suffered a tremendous loss in his life and you are potentially adding more; more drama, more loss, more regret. In addition, you teach your son about relationships, that they come and go and that is ok. Why not teach him values instead?

 

Your son needs you. He doesn't need a man to pitch him a ball as much as you think the does right now. His needs should be way above and beyond yours. And on another note, you should feel lucky and blessed that you have a man that is willing to date you at all because single mothers aren't the cream of the crop. Don't take that offensively, I'm a single mother of a soon to be 17 year old son. I also chose to forgo dating until he was 9 and was better able to handle it and understand it. And that would be my advise to you. Forgo dating, getting your needs met and devote that time to your son.

 

Go learn how to pitch a ball...

[uncomfynumb]

Your kid is controlling you and you are letting him because it is easier to give in then to set boundaries. Wait until he is towering over you and see how that feels.

 

You give a 5 year old choices. Sign up for swimming lessons or lose your TV/game privedleges for a while. What do you like better, baseball or football or soccer? He must choose one. Kids often act out like this and try to control things when they feel like their environment is out of control. You are the mother here. Don't forget that. As for not knowing sports, that is an excuse.

 

This whole thread reeks of you needing someone to help you with this responsibility and to make it all better and go away.

[abitbroken]

Sometimes kids act up more in front of parents. I know I probably did when I was that age. But once my parents left I would stop the tears and get involved with other kids. I would try to find an event like a class setting like gymnastics and tumbling or karate or another type of activity where there is structure where you sometimes DROP HIM OFF and leave him for half hour to an hour or two. No one will laugh at him. Or what about an art class? I have known single moms with athletic sons regardless. Also, there is Big Brothers/Big Sisters that I highly recommend. It would give your son one more adult buddy as a mentor. I knew a few people over the years who either volunteered as a big brother/sister or benefitted as a child or single parent or military parent. it would take the pressure off of you to expect this of your boyfriend.

 

I think that the posters said that you expected too much of your boyfriend are right. He is not a dad to your son, at least at this point, and it also may be confusing to your son to promote a dad clone situation. He DOES have a relationship with your son, but does not parent him.

 

I also suggest that sometimes - if you see your boyfriend almost every day than at least once a week have a "date" night where there is a babysitter involved and you have an evening with no son to keep your relationship fresh. Or you can even do a kid swap with another mom or dad where you take their child for a night and they take yours.

 

Honestly, what I would do is have times when you and your son are just together and when you and your boyfriend are just together as well as time all together - this will strengthen all relationships all around. But also - if your bf doesn't want to marry and you do, you have to think about that too. maybe insisting one on one time with your son was a way to sort of get him to commit more or look like he was committed?