No contact gets harder each day

[skynet74]

It's now been 22 Days since I last called My ex. We were together for 10 years. I never thought that there would be a time when I would not call her for so long. But since she did the breaking up and wanted her space, I feel that I really have no choice. She said she would call me when she is ready to be friends. Right now she says she wants closure. Well her closure feels like a knife through my heart every second of the day. What happens after closure anyway? Will this help us become friends again which could in turn lead to trying the relationship again someday. I miss her a lot and I know that she has to be missing me too. She even told me when she broke up with me that she would always want me in her life somehow. I hope she meant it. I guess her not calling me for so long really starting to get to me. I am trying to stay strong and not pick up that phone..... but it's very difficult. My Life is one Big emotional Roller Coaster right now. One minute I feel a little better. Then the next minute I feel like I'm literally going to die without her. I need to clear my head and forget about her for now. But Damn..... that so hard to do. She was a HUGE part of my life for 10 years. I can't just forget that.

 

 

John

[elronbluz]

Brother I can relate it's been about 7weeks for me and it seemed like it was never going to get easier, if you can do it i suggest therapy, as i was going through depression and anxiety attacks it really helped(if this applies to you )and if not sometimes it just helps to talk to someone thats not involved in the situation(objective) unlike friends or family. You have to stay busy, and respect her wishes or it could ruin any chances in the future. I recently came to the revelation that she has a different life now that doesn't involve me, and although we agreed many times to remain friends in the event of a breakup. you never know whats gonna happen till it does, and it really sucks. You've got the right attitude so hang in there, the ball's in her court and you can't runaround the net to get it so keep posting and you'll get lots of support and sugestions here. Ron

[bitterbear18]

After a month of not seeing and general chit-chat with my ex over the phone and email I'm finally going to sit down and have a closure conversation over dinner.

 

Although I find that's it's pointless given that it's been a month and things are different now I want to have the dinner to drill home the point that I'm in control and doing well without her.

 

I'd suggest you only do this if you're comfortable. If you're clearly not then take your time until you feel ready. If she needs to get anything off her chest then I suggest that she email them to you instead.

 

Hope that helps.

 

B-Bear

[reborn]

Skynet,

I know what you mean. It is really hard, but have come a long way. 22 days when you feel the intense feelings of heartbreak can seem like an eternity. Do not call her. Give her the space she asked you for. I know it is almost downright impossible, but believe me if you call her, you will not only feel the pain that you feel now, but you will feel more hopelessness.

 

It is always better and wiser to let them call, when they are ready to. The reaction and openness they have towards you is much better. You may call her now and she may not be as receptive to you as you will like.

 

It is hard to give space. But even though you think that hearing her voice, talking to her, seeing her will sooth that pain you feel like a knife at every second, it doesn´t. Because she is somewhere else now emotionally than where you wish her and want her and need her to be with you right now. The only one that can sooth that horrible feeling is you. Stand it. Try not to let your head run the show. The we "feel" our emotions in the mind they get blown out, distorted bigger and more overwhelming than they really are. Don´t add mental wood to things you are feeling. Try not to hold on to the memories that pop in your head, concentrate more on the sentations that you are feeling in your body. That tightness in your chest, that knot in your throat, what feels that a horrible, hollow inside your heart and soul and breath..... that is all you should do. Breathe into that hollowness and tightness, slowly inhale and concentrate on your breath moving up and down, coming in and out. Heal your self and take care of yourself. She cannot take this pain you feel away, no one can, it must be lived, but breathe it will make it go away eventually.

 

I wish there was a quick cure for this craziness, for this horrible pain. But there isn´t. There are no short cuts, unfortunately. However, you can try to make it easier on your self by breathing and trying not to fall into a depression.

 

I know it is hard. Impossible almost. This is the heaviest cross one has to bear, that of being adbandoned by someone so close and special to you but think of others who have persevered. Time heals all, even if you think that the weight of each minute is much too hard.

Try to stay in your body as I said and not to put wood in your emotional fire by giving it more dimension with thoughts, lamentations, etc. Feel the loneliness and the emptiness. They won´t kill you, but they need to be felt. Go to websites. Go to the latter one first to the q and a section. you may helpful advice to a situation such as yours. However though reading and learning is helpful, also writting on this website and reading it, and talking about what happened and trying to make sense of it.... as they distract you for a while from your pain, yet you and I both know that you go back that suffocating emptiness feeling and pangs of loneliness. The only way to feel better is to feel, to breathe, to accept your reality painful as it is. As much as you wish not to see it, you must look at it scare in the eye, with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child as they say. Don´t go into the past, don´t go into the future with your thoughts, stay here in this painful moment where you don´t have beside you the person that you love. Stay in the moment, breath in the pain. It is the only solution. S

 

At this time I am also going through this horrible emotional post breakup experience. However, this time it feels different. It has been my fourth breakup with the same person. In all occasions I have been dumped. Sounds pathetic doesn´t it? Then he comes back and I in love accept him. He is no meany, i am no victim. But relationships and the way we relate sometimes have a way of becoming twisted, of acquiring an unhealthy life that we sometimes cannot see until we find ourselfs unexpectedly in the painful place again.

 

I no longer yearn so much for my ex, though I wish to be with him. I no longer go over and over and over again all the nitty gritty details of what I have done or said wrong in a self blaming festival. No, even though I admit to wrong doing as I am not perfect this time I donñt blame my self. Im no longer fantasize constantly with what we did or him coming back. Though I wish he does. Im no longer going repeadly through each word he has said to me when he left me and right before, trying to make sense of something that may only be really clear in his head... or maybe not even there. For me this is the fourth time, and Im facing my breakup with pain, wishing even to die sometimes, however with more wholeness and the maturity of a pro in these issues. It is sad that I have learned so much about loss in only 2 years with my boyfriend.

 

For the first time I see it as his problem not mine, I feel hurt and disapointed, yet i do not blame him as we all have a right to choose and be wherever we need to be emotionally and also we have a right to give or not to others or be or not with others. We have no control over other people´s feelings and they have a right to own those feelings. That does not make them a bad person. In the case of my boyfriend however, im considering his behaviour much resembles that of a commitment phobe and that he may not be the right person for me much as I like to think he is, and much as I love him.

 

For the first time I am trying to face this pain as the woman that I am, trying to live in the present, enduring my pain, which is MINE one day at a time, one hour at a time one minute at a time. Trying to function as a normal person, showing up to work each day even though inside im broken. Showing up to live each day, trying to take care of me. And not blaming or persuing another that is not willing to be with me.Why? Why? Why do insist on trying to retain another that wants to flee? Why do we all want to be and retain someone that does not want to be with us? Why do we want to hold on to something that adbandoned us, that is no longer even physically present.

 

Take care of your self skynet, let not your feelings bring out of perspective the respect and the care that you owe to your self. Whatever her reasons or your pain there is not right or wrong in these matters. There is only reality, and our only job is to try to accept it as is right now, today at this moment.

[leftalone]

skynet, I'm right there with you, too. Almost to the day. I have been doing NC for the first time since our break-up in March, and have gone 21 days. Unfortunately, the whole thing almost came crashing down on me when i ran into him a week ago in a deli, but I'm still kicking.

 

What has been the worst thing for me about NC has been in those moments when I feel proud of myself and sort of self-righteous by thinking 'he probably wonders why i haven't contacted him', another moment will hit me where I'll go "but he hasn't contacted me". And in the last few days of my NC streak, there has been some new grief hitting me - the realization that I am losing hope and starting to accept as reality that this relationship is over. I shake that out of my head when it hits me, it's just too hard to get my head around.

 

I admit that basically I haven't done what you're supposed to be doing during NC, which is to not use it as a tool to get that person to come back, but to use it to work on your own healing. The idea of 'healing' has been basically unacceptable to me thus far, only because with it comes the fact that that means I would have gotten over him. And truthfully, I don't know if I'm ready to get over him, as self-torturous as that sounds. I still love him.

 

But the physical anxiety, the panic, the collapsing grief that would make me literally have to hide in the bathroom at work...with or without my effort, those things are easing. A few weeks ago I would think about one year down the line, and saw myself experiencing all of this wrenching pain just as I was in that moment. And here it is, three weeks later, and my life is one tiny fraction more bearable.

 

Hang in there, skynet, when you think you're really just going to keel over and can't stand one more minute, just remember all of us walking around feeling just as you do. Remember that somewhere in this world, there are people who understand...we'll all get by...

[reborn]

I think everyone that has responded to this post is doing the no contact. Im too. Lets stick together on this, give each other strength. When we can no longer bare it think there are like 3 or four other people (and millions more) doing it. Take a deep breath, you can do it. We are all here for you. special1ly when they ask for space nc is the best option we have and a tool that protects the little self steem we have left that isn´t completely crushed. Keep going forward, hang in there we are all with you.

[danimal77]

Reborn and all others,

 

I thought that I would contribute some. This is my second time on Enotalone. For this is the 3rd time my ex has broken up with me. It was a 2 year relationship and the 3 breakups were all within the last 7 months.

 

Like Reborn, my ex came back to me everytime. Whenever she left me, she would always say that it was the last time and we were over and she wanted to move on, without me and to leave her alone and let her live her life and there are no more feelings and........

 

I never really aplied the NC rule until this time around. Everytime, I would wait a couple of weeks, so that things could cool down and then I would go slow with her and usually between a month to a month and a half, she would be back in my life. It seemed like we were meant to be, everytime she came back, yet I was so scared to lose her, that I shut myself and her out to the point that she left again. I tried to protect myself to the point that I drove her away and denied her of the same love I needed from her.

 

Where I am today, is 16 NC. I spent the first 11 trying to get her back and convince her, as I always tried, to no avail as was always the case and then I applied NC, as was always the case, but this time, I am not at the same place I was the last times. I am really standing back and not rushing anything. I am feeling the feeling this time. I am seeing things for what they are and why they are the way they are. To make some sense of the entire situation.

 

I contemplate, okay, my track record speaks for itself. I got her back X amount of times, through some space and then re-earning her trust and easing her scared heart, because they are scared too and don't think they're not. They just have a better way at concealing it than us. Do I wait for her to contact me, when I know fully well that she is probably way to scared or apprehensive to do so. Why would she take a chance on getting hurt again, even if she is having her own doubts and regrets. She chose to leave because she truly believed that things would always be the same way. We would be happy for 2-3 weeks and then there would be fights and arguments and you know what? Do I blame her for feeling this way? No. Do I blame her at all? No. She is taking care of herself, as I am doing right now as well, in my own way, in my own time. Maybe I could and should be doing more for myself, however, it's my life and I will not lie back on my bed and take a deep breath and/or cry anymore. I have to go up from here, with or without her.

 

Finally, will I wait for her to make contact? The answer is NO. I will make contact with her, because I am the one who pushed her away. For now, I am respecting her wishes and adhering to the time and space she requested, or more so demanded of me. When I do make contact, it will be for the right reasons. It will be when I feel secure enough in myself that whatever the outcome of it will be, I will be okay with that. No more desperation and no more acting on emotion and impulse. I was a confident and calm man who knew what he wanted and knew how to get it, through action, when I met her. Let than man resurface and we'll see what happens and comes my way at that point, as a result of.

 

Peace,

 

Dan

[ShamrockLover]

Hey Skynet, I smell what you are cooking. I actually have only been doing the no contact for a day. My gf and I separated on the 13th of this month, and I tried contact via email and what not. At fisrt just to try to get her to chat with me. After a week, I called and we hung out for a couple of hours and what not,, we chatted on Im, just small talk and what not and I screwed up yesterday, I called in the morning and woke her up while I was at work.. I just wanted to say sorry for not responding to last IM cause i didnt hear it come in, I was sleeping. All she said was going to bed, goodnite sleep well. THe tone of her voice sounded unhappy. Now I am just trying to give her space. It sucks because My job is so boring and we used to talk on and off throughout the day. the temptation is so strong to call and say hello. I wish that I could.. I am afraid that will ruin any chance of getting back with her. I guess i dont have any advice, I just know how you feel. keep your head up. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, but never lose sight of what really matters. Dont get caught up anywhere but the here and the now. best wishes

[sweetione]

Don't do it!! Learn from my mistake. It won't make you feel any better. And then you will have to start from day 1 all over again.

It seems to get harder around the 3rd week but stay strong!!

[danimal77]

ShamrockLover, sweetione is right!!!! Don't not do it, just don't do it yet!!!!! Not in the frame of mind you are in now. You will come accross as lonely, weak and desperate. She will shut you down and yes, you will be back to square one.

 

I am all for contact, but when you are strong and calm enough to do so. At that point, let your ex see you in a positive light and someone to perhaps be desired.

 

For now, stay away and don't friggin break down. You will sorely regret it. Take it from me, okay.

 

Wait it out and when the time is right. It could be spontaneous on your part, but not driven by impulse, but by comfort, within you.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[peachents]

skynet74

 

Im on about the 9th week of no contact and im pleased to say that it really will get much easier for you from around this point.

 

I strongly advise that you resist the temptation to break NC as you will feel very low if you do give in, esp if you dont get the response from her whcih you may hope for. WAIT for her to intitiate any contact!

 

Also, while you do hopr to get back together at some point, try to face the fact that this may or may not happen and run through the possiblity of it not happening. I suggest that before you can friends or regain contact, you must be comfortable with being JUST friends with her.

 

Good luck & remember the world is now your oyster. You WILL get thru this and become a better person no matter what the outcome!

 

 

[danimal77]

Skynet,

 

Your ex will most likely not call you back. If you break the NC and don't get the response you wanted, that is okay. It doesn't have to end there. Don't expect anything from him or her. You're not calling to get anything. YOu're just calling and that's it.

 

Once again, to each his own. You can stay away for ever and hope that maybe one day he or she will contact me and if not, that's okay. It's like going for a job interview and waiting for them to call you back after the interview. Some will right away, if they are desperate to fill the position, but some candidates don't sit back forever. The persistent individual will call up a couple of times and even if they don't get the job, they will be remembered and maybe even admired for their persistence.

 

Anyways, do what you want to do. Go NC for the rest of your life if you so desire. Things don't come to you in this life. You have to go out and get it.