Woke up still as lonely as last night

[FootofGod]

I guess I won't post on here anymore because I am just not politically correct.

 

Just trying to get you to see that, while you may have a strong desire for companionship, there's no immediate need for a man.

[dancingcolors]

I am not afraid of masturbation. I just want to share my life with someone. And I am not sitting here with no life at all. I go to craft shows every weekend, selling things I make myself. I man my booth alone all weekend. I drive to them alone, put them up alone, man them alone. It would be very nice and VERY NORMAL to have someone to share all this with, or at least have someone to come home to, to cuddle with, sleep with, rub my back and shoulders. I think you are the one who has the problem with sex, not me. Going home to an empty bed, is very lonely, and the longing for someone not just for that, but just to rest my head on their shoulder. Last week my car blew up on the freeway, on the way home from a show. I dealt with it. I can do it. But boy, it would have been a heck of alot nicer to have a good guy to help me through all that, and also to help me find a new car. These feelings are all VERY NORMAL and I can't believe I am even engaging in this. If I knew how, I would pull this thread, and you could go have your little pick on somebody party somewhere else.

[dancingcolors]

Well, it is a need of mine. Nothing else can really replace it.

[dancingcolors]

How Important Is Love To Your Health?

Posted By Dr. Ben Kim on May 15, 2003 Emotional Health and Well-Being

In addressing lifestyle factors that influence health, it is important to consider food choices, exercise, rest, and environmental factors like fresh air and sunlight. Scientists are beginning to discover that there is one facet of life that ranks above all of these factors in determining wellness and longevity. This facet is the level of love and connectedness that we feel.

 

It is becoming clear that wellness and longevity are strongly dependent on experiencing supportive relationships with family and friends, and being involved in groups and activities that give us a sense of purpose and contribution. For example, a recently completed study that looked at 7,000 Californians over 17 years found that those who lacked meaningful social connections had a 200 to 300 percent greater chance of dying prematurely than those who felt more socially connected. A study of nearly 1,400 people with heart disease found that those with a spouse or confidant died at approximately one-third the rate of those who had no one to confide in. Another recent survey of more than 21,000 older adults found that weekly church attendance was associated with 7 years of longer life expectancy for Caucasian Americans and 14 years for African-Americans.

 

Well-respected author and medical doctor, Dean Ornish, makes a powerful claim for the value of love and intimacy: "I am not aware of any other factor in medicine – not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery – that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes. Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer, and what leads to healing."

 

In his book, Love and Survival, Dr. Ornish writes about cultivating a feeling of love and connectedness with those close to us by expressing our feelings rather than evaluations. He refers to this as using "I feel" statements, examples being "I feel afraid that you'll think I'm not good enough if I don't make enough money," and "I feel hurt by what you just said." These sorts of feelings cannot be argued about, because they are true to the person saying them. If we express our true feelings to those who are committed to loving and supporting us, then through increased vulnerability and compassion, we can increase our understanding of and love for each other. Of course, being vulnerable enough to share true feelings in this manner requires great courage and a feeling of safety and trust that each person involved must strive to foster. "I feel" statements are distinctly different from our evaluations, which tend to make others feel judged, decreasing feelings of love and connectedness. Examples of evaluations include "You're always on my back," and "Why can't you do that differently?" It is important to be careful not to disguise evaluations in the form of "I feel" statements, as these statements are really judgements in disguise. An example of this is, "I feel that you're a jerk."

 

The extent to which communicating our true feelings can increase love and intimacy in our lives is largely dependent on the willingness of those involved to listen with compassion and to strive to deeply understand the other person's feelings and perspective. Empathic listening of this nature requires tremendous patience and a commitment to putting love before tangible entities. An excellent resource on empathic listening is "Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood," habit number five in Dr. Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

 

In summary, if you are interested in wellness and longevity, it appears fruitful to foster meaningful relationships that provide a sense of love and connectedness. As Dr. Ornish states succinctly, "Know that this really matters to your health."

[Hell_On_Heels]

That's a good article. I especially liked it because it points out that we all need love, but there are many kinds of love - family, friends, groups and activities, and of course, romantic love.

 

My breakup almost killed me. Or I almost killed myself over it, that would be more honest. I didn't, I have 3 children and they only have one parent left living - me.

 

One of the things I keep using to pull me through this mess is my vision of my life in 1 year, 3 years, 5 years...and even though I think my ex bailed on me for stupid shallow reasons, he did make some good points about things I need to finish and things I can improve on. I have my own bucket list as well.

 

So that's all I do. Put one foot in front of the other and work to attain those goals. The biggest thing for me now is finding a job. Had an interview today, and man, it was so hard to get myself ready and out the door, much less put on my game face. But if I don't, my visions of my future will never come true.

 

I think it is the same for you. You have a vision of what you want and need. You need a plan to make that vision come true...and if you want to be loved, as cliche as it is, you have to start by loving yourself. Then your friends and family. And when you are happy with who you are, a man will come along who recognizes that and treasures you.

[blueeyedme]

I've been working in Portland and living in the Pearl district since February. While I will be done here in September, I really enjoy the city and love the Pearl district. Someone else mentioned Hawthorne and SE - I like both of those areas as well.

[incaangelique]

Hey there girl. Please don't stop posting here. You sound cool to me. I love craft shows and jewelry making too. I think it's amazing that you are able to live off of your art. I wish I had the talent to do that. I agree that is totally normal to want to have a relationship. I wonder if you are just hanging out in the wrong places.

[sunday2010]

I'm so with you.all this BS on being whole and indepenent.Go on onlin edating and thats whta guys are looking for miss indepenent.non commital attitudes are getting me down.I'm over it as well.thats how my ex got about" I can't make you happy, it has to come from within type bull * * * * ".this is how lots an lots of people have been brought up with that attitide.I need somebody in my life i miss sex, i miss love and cuddels.I'm just dead insid enow it just sucks.I've never been so lonely as I hav ethe last two months, and whats out there for me is not much.I've been on 6 dates and all have been not interested etc.I'm 36 I don't know where I'm gonna end up

[TurtleDove12]

What the hell are people fighting about?

 

Jesus Christ. Can we be civil here?

 

People can be fine by themselves...it's not about being whole or saying these cliche things, but there's a difference between want and need.

 

Yeah. Most people would much rather be in a relationship than not in one. And yes, it's a life goal for most people. But let's not say that everyone is full of **** or whatever's been said.

 

DancingColors, I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you find what you're looking for.

[FootofGod]

Look at Susan Boyle, guys, she's never been kissed in her whole life and she turned out okay...ish.

 

Geez, I keep trying to lighten the mood in here, but it looks like you guys are still stuck with the humor switch on. If you're not ready to go without someone, you're not ready to have someone and you're just going to hurt yourself more and keep saying "but I need it!" You are acting like addicts to the T. You can only find companionship once you're committed to struggling without it.

 

On a tangent, Mother Theresa was miserable and her work questionably cost her her faith. She was a sensationalized figure for the Catholic Church's image, which makes her sad situation even sicker. Read her private letters! She stopped sterilizing the needles because she knew they were going to die anyway.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Sunday, my ex said that to me, too. "I can't make you happy. It's not my job to make you happy."

 

I replied, "No, but you sure influence my happiness."

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes...but the religion doesn't quite factor in the happiness, emotional soundness of the people involved in the union. They push for people to get married but once married they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Many marriages are very unhappy...marriages of convenience, marriages for image, marriages for breeding. A bad marriage with the wrong person has made people LOSE their health and well-being and operate in a bad way rather than a good way. I wouldn't put much stock in some of the religious propaganda because they often look only at the surface rather than what goes on beneath the surface. There are many lonely people who are married...many married people who actually can't count on their spouse for support and help. Anybody can get someone...and certainly plenty of people have "bought" their way into relationships (providing sex, money, powerful position, etc) but the tough part is finding a good relationship with mutual respect, connection, warmth and compassion that lasts for life rather than just the intial wooing stages and honeymoon period.

[bish0p2004]

 

Seriously, why would you want a man? Men suck. Have you taken a nice good long look at us? 9 out of 10 of my fellow kind are total dbags with no real redeeming qualities and we're all so ugly and misshapen compared to the natural beauty women have I just go "wow, no wonder women are crazy! I'd be messed up, too, if I had to like that!" I don't know how you guys manage!

 

Uh...speak for yourself there, buddy!

 

Dancingcolors, I like your posts...a lot.

[hmmwhoknows]

Uh...speak for yourself there, buddy!

 

Dancingcolors, I like your posts...a lot.

 

Hahaha, I was wondering if someone would notice this.

 

And I'm with DancingColors as well. It's all good to be independent, but when you've grown up from a broken home and are all too aware of the harsh realities, it does make one yearn for a time when people didn't split at the drop of a hat. It simply wasn't an option in the past.

 

I kind of wish I'd been born a few centuries ago. Sure it was a hard life, and I would have died young. But I wouldn't have had to deal with so much bull ish regarding "dating" and "love." There wasn't even a concept of romantic love until recently, and it's still not prevalent in Japan. Take that as you will.

[MsDexter]

Many marriages are very unhappy...marriages of convenience, marriages for image, marriages for breeding. A bad marriage with the wrong person has made people LOSE their health and well-being and operate in a bad way rather than a good way. I wouldn't put much stock in some of the religious propaganda because they often look only at the surface rather than what goes on beneath the surface.

 

I agree! That is exactly why my relationship ended religious propaganda. We had NO other problems just the image he was putting accross to people who might want to convert because he was with a non-Christian and like you said people do marry for image for convenience and all I think that is exactly what he is going to do.

[orchidrose]

Hahaha, I was wondering if someone would notice this.

 

And I'm with DancingColors as well. It's all good to be independent, but when you've grown up from a broken home and are all too aware of the harsh realities, it does make one yearn for a time when people didn't split at the drop of a hat. It simply wasn't an option in the past.

 

I kind of wish I'd been born a few centuries ago. Sure it was a hard life, and I would have died young. But I wouldn't have had to deal with so much bull ish regarding "dating" and "love." There wasn't even a concept of romantic love until recently, and it's still not prevalent in Japan. Take that as you will.

 

As a person who's also grown up in a broken home, I completely disagree. In many respects, I wish I could thank my parents daily for breaking up. They were completely unsuited for each other and hated each other. I already have enough traumatic memories for the few years that they were trying to stick it out for the kids; I can't imagine decades more of them staying together and inflicting pain on me.

[orchidrose]

I was writing a post on your other thread before it got closed.

 

Dancingcolors, I think you're taking a lot of the things said in this thread as personally attacking you, and that's simply not the case. Yes, people can be harsh or forceful with their advice, but that's all it is: advice. Take it or leave it. It's not an attack on your personal judgment or feelings; it's just trying to get you to see things in a way different from your own.

 

Personally, I have a lot of concerns about people who say that they need a relationship to feel happy and complete. If a man I was interested in dating told me he believed that, I'd have a tough time pursuing things further. All it does is hold you back. I found that thinking that way held me back even in the littlest ways: there were restaurants I was waiting to try with a partner; activities I was waiting to do with a partner. Why wait? Why make yourself miserable? Enjoy the time you have with yourself and learn to do the things you love, without a partner. All a partner is supposed do and can do is add to your happiness, not create happiness from thin air.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wholeheartedly agree. I took a road trip on my own and loved every minute of it. While it would have been nice to have the security of someone traveling with me, I made it on my own, found my way around, did things I wanted to do and was not held back by someone else.

[uncomfynumb]

Dancingcolors, I think you're taking a lot of the things said in this thread as personally attacking you, and that's simply not the case. Yes, people can be harsh or forceful with their advice, but that's all it is: advice. Take it or leave it. It's not an attack on your personal judgment or feelings; it's just trying to get you to see things in a way different from your own.

 

Amen.

 

What is boils down to is looking at the cup as half full, looking for the silver lining in the cloud, looking for and finding things to be grateful for rather than focusing on things that you don't have.

 

I believe that I attracted a wonderful person into my life because I had faith that I would and I focused on being positive and happy. When I decided to sleep with him as no bearing on any of this. And if this relationship doesn't work out, I will be ok, I will be happy regardless because I do believe that happiness is a choice. Sure external factors can affect moods but it is one's personal perspective and attitude that makes the difference at the end of the day or in this case, the beginning of a day.

[hmmwhoknows]

As a person who's also grown up in a broken home, I completely disagree. In many respects, I wish I could thank my parents daily for breaking up. They were completely unsuited for each other and hated each other. I already have enough traumatic memories for the few years that they were trying to stick it out for the kids; I can't imagine decades more of them staying together and inflicting pain on me.

 

Well, my parents split up for a good reason, and remain so. That doesn't mean they were completely unsuited, and to be honest my father is still in love with my mother after all these years. Neither of them have remarried, and my mother went through a terrible breakup whereby she was dumped via email. At this point, I doubt she'll ever want to date again.

 

Either way, they are great friends, and our family is as whole as it ever was (esp with a 3 month old baby boy, my nephew!)

 

I think you're misunderstanding what I said. It's more disillusionment with the way relationships work in the modern era that I feel, not a belief that couples should stick together even if they're terribly wrong for each other. My parents didn't break up for some slight offense; they had been married more than 20 years at that point. What I'm saying is that people DO break up over nothing, without seeing how things play out. People make hasty decisions but stick with them because they're stubborn and set in their ways. Maybe it's because I'm always on the receiving end of this that I feel screwed over. I don't start dating on a whim, nor do I break up with someone on a whim. Many people do, and it disgusts me.

[annie24]

DC - are you currently taking steps to find a boyfriend? I know you mentioned that you go to a lot of craftshows, selling your work, but you aren't going to meet single men that way! Do you have an online profile? do you have some hobbies where you might meet men naturally (church, a sports team, etc...)? Can you ask your friends if they know a nice man for you? Reach out and use all your resources!

[orchidrose]

Ah, that does make sense. I misunderstood.

 

I guess I have difficulty with what you're saying, too, because in my experience, when you get to a point where a hasty decision is being made, things should be over. I didn't pick up the phone intending to break up with my ex-ex, but I did.. and it was totally for the best. There had been such a decline in the relationship that what appeared to be hasty was actually due to a lot of issues.

[hmmwhoknows]

Ah, that does make sense. I misunderstood.

 

I guess I have difficulty with what you're saying, too, because in my experience, when you get to a point where a hasty decision is being made, things should be over. I didn't pick up the phone intending to break up with my ex-ex, but I did.. and it was totally for the best. There had been such a decline in the relationship that what appeared to be hasty was actually due to a lot of issues.

 

I hear what you're saying. I just don't know how many more times I can be dumped and still believe that the woman made a rational decision. Because it means that I am wrong, every single time. I must have no judgment of character whatsoever, and nothing to offer, if every girl I love finds someone better than me.

 

Seems like some time, the decision had to have been made in haste. Probably wishful thinking though.

[dancingcolors]

I don't not do things because I don't have a partner, but it isn't that fun. I went from Oregon to Montana, to Washington, to Montana, to Oregon, to Montana alone. What was fun about that? I went camping on the Oregoin Coast a few years ago for 10 days alone. Not fun at all. Everyone else in the campground was with partner and family. So, I am abnormal for wanting and needing someone?? Not.

 

I know the difference in how it feels to be alone, and to have someone. This forum wouldn't exist if I was the only one feeling like this, and there was something wrong with me, for feeling this way.

 

And it is WAYYY more fun being in bed with someone you love, than being alone. Sorry, if anyone wants to dispute that. You are entitled to your opinion, but I am entitled to mine, and it is not a cup half empty, or negative. it is just a staement of fact.

 

I go everywhere I want to go alone. It is just way better with someone, and yes, I need a man. I am a Libra, we need relationship the most of any sign. I validate myself, even you you want to invalidate me.

[orchidrose]

Hey, you're entitled to feel the way you feel. If you truly feel awful when you're going around doing things on your own, then that's your prerogative. I think it's really easy to get down about doing things on your own when you go out and see families and couples. I completely understand.

 

I guess I just see it as something that can be controlled. I realized awhile ago that I felt upset by being alone because I let myself get upset. If I stay positive and happy, not only will I have a good time on my own, but it will attract more positive energy (i.e. a really awesome guy).