I can't believe what I did, I am a horrible person.

[FootofGod]

So me and my boyfriend need to break up? I am so close to him....I'm so scared. Will I ever find a man that loves me and tries to do as much for me as he does? I doubt it...We need to break up?

 

Even if you did, wouldn't you just treat him the same way? You have your own problems you need to figure out. You do not know how to love and no amount of somebody loving you is going to make you able to love them back - thats all on your shoulders. No man can make you love him, and you might just find the perfect thing and tear it apart. Forgive yourself and be a better person. It sounds like you did some terrible things and I don't know your bf and rather or not he's a good person, but you share some blame in pushing him to the point to where he chose to do terrible things as well, even though it is STILL his fault that he chose to do them.

 

Look at the actions in your life and relationship. If you don't like what you look at, start doing things you'd like to look back on. If you cannot even control your own actions, seek help, or take help if it is offered. No matter how bad you think you have it, you can always choose to make it better or worse and it's never too late to start choosing better.

[Cheetarah]

I am going to be blunt here. I mean this with the best intentions, even if I sound like a total jerk. I apologize if you view anything I say as an attack. I've been in your shoes, so please take that into consideration.

 

I'm going back and reading your posts, the trends.

 

You are isolating your boyfriend. You're cutting him off slowly, bit by bit, from a social life. First the female friend, not wanting him to go out with the guys... You threaten him with break-ups then freak out when he leaves. You've made irrational and unreasonable demands as a way to test your boyfriend's love for you. I can place money on the fact that I believe you're an incredibly intelligent woman, but you seem to have the emotional maturity of a child. It seems like you have problems with alcohol/drugs. The time your boyfriend gives you is never enough. You essentially want to imprison him to guarantee security. You put all your eggs in one basket - That basket being your boyfriend.

 

He is not responsible for your happiness. He is not responsible for meeting your irrational demands. You are driving a huge wedge between the two of you with your smothering and abusive, manipulative behavior. You cannot, cannot, cannot make someone your everything. The harder you grip, the more likely it is that you WILL lose him - And I know this is exactly what you fear.

 

“Relationships-of all kinds-are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”

 

If you want to have a chance at a healthy and stable relationship, you need help. This guy is not your father. He is not expected to put you on a pedestal and love you unconditionally with no reservations. Romantic love is FAR different than paternal. Or if you don't like the father bit - You want someone who is gonna take it ALL. No boundaries, be there after every nasty, abusive thing you do, prove to you that they really 'love you afterall.' Guess what chick, everyone has a breaking point -And he can't give you that. Imprisoning him isn't gonna make it happen. This isn't to say your boyfriend is absolved from any wrong-doing. It takes two to tango. Just as you are not all bad, he is not all good. There's a grey area that you're tending to miss here.

 

But...It DOESN'T need to be this way. You aren't doomed to this kind of life, thought patterns, and behaviors. You're not limited to this. But you need help beyond this forum, dear. Abuse of any kind is serious business. The sort of emotions you're dealing with are pure torment, I know. But get outside of your head for a moment and reach for a hand. You're not a terrible person. You are someone with some issues, and there's help out there for that. You already know the problems exist, so you are a step ahead of the game. Take the next baby step and reach out.

[Kinkz]

Hey if the person has really taken pills and drinks i don't think she would be even able to read the replies any longer! Because those two drugs makes you drowsy.

[mirandastroup]

You need to call someone because you aren't happy and you are outwardly showing it everyday when you are grumpy tohim and it just escalates with the alcohol gets in your system--believe me the best thing you can do right now is get help for yourself!!!!!!

[orillia]

There is SO much wisdom here!

 

OP I think you need help, both with your insecurities, and your drinking/drugs.

 

Drinking/drugs are a temporary escape from your problems. They cause more problems than they solve, ultimately.

 

If you want to try to build a better life for you and your bf, you need to figure out why you're self-medicating.

[No One]

Leave him alone for now. You both should get as much sleep, and, peace and quite as possible. In a day or two, you'll have to discuss everything.

[GrowingUp]

So when he came home on Sunday I asked him how he felt. He said that he was hurt and he can't believe what we did last night and its really dangerous. He said he wants me to stop being so controlling or he can't do it anymore. He said I complain too much about everything and I'm too negative and he can't take it anymore. He ended up taking me up to a lake and watching fireworks with me (I didn't expect that) I don't know what to do because for the last few days he has been cold towards me..I ask him about and he says he is trying to forgive me but he feels sad and disappointed. I don't know what to do anymore you guys. I don't want to lose him but I feel like I am already losing him...it hurts. Last night his friend came over to visit and when his friend left guess what I did? I acted cold and upset..why? Why can't I control my emotions. I feel like I'm so lost...I don't even know what to do anymore.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I once had a friend exactly like you. No matter how hard her boyfriend tried to please her, she created drama. She was never happy with anything he did for her, always found reason to complain, picked fights with him, threw his possesions around, broke his possessions and it did escalate into her physically abusing him. One time she raised a hand to strike him and he lifted up his hand in self defense to block her so she struck his hand then went on and on about how HE was abusive to her! She came from an abusive household and basically like her father, she herself became abusive. You seem to have many of the same behaviour patterns as this woman I was once friends with. Deep deep unhappiness about life, huge chip on her shoulder, angry at the world, thought everyone was against her when it was her who was pushing people away with her aggressive attitude. It is not too late to fix yourself..but you have to want to fix yourself and stop yourself as soon as you see that you are griping over everything your boyfriend does.

[GrowingUp]

THIS SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME! I'm glad I can fix this, I really don't want to lose him. He seems really mad at me. I need to change the way I act when he hangs out with his friends also . Sometimes I will be fine with him being gone and then I will keep looking at the clock and start getting mad for no reason...or I will start imagining him doing things he isn't supposed to be doing like cheating or something stupid. Anyone know what that means? I know this is just a message board and you guys can't cure psychological problems or anything. I just need as much help as I can get right now. Thank You.

[Cheetarah]

GrowingUp,

 

Are you pursuing the help of a counselor or anything?

[GrowingUp]

Well I stated earlier in my post that I have tried to get free counseling, I went and it was not helpful at all. I used to have insurance but not anymore. So do you have any other suggestions? Thank You.

[lostnscared]

That sounds very unhealthy and downright scary.

 

If I'm reading correctly--he choked you and then you passed out?

 

I think both of you got out of hand. You hit him and provoked he hit you back.

 

I don't agree with domestic violence in the least--especially when the man is a lot stronger and does more damage. However you hit him and probably out of shock he returned the favor.

 

I think that the fact that it even got to that point is scary.

I think you guys need some time apart-maybe a few weeks? You need to regain your sanity and so does he. The situation is still very fresh and being together right now is only refreshing it and I don't think it's helping either of you heal.

 

I also think that with your issues, even being in a relationship at this point is unhealthy for you and the other person.

 

My issues are nowhere near as harmful as yours, and I've found that it is difficult for me to be with my guy and work through my issues at the same time. Because solving these types of issues is 100% self comittment and often is difficult to do with another person. Which is the reason why you'll see these threads where people with issues such as mine or yours end up losing the one they loved because they weren't able to work through their issues AND maintain the relationship. It's too difficult.

 

I think you need to be committed to yourself for right now. Take some time to get help. To reflect. To get to the root. To identify why this happened. To work yourself through preventing it from happening again. And much therapy is needed for your other issues.

 

In the meantime he needs to also get some help. Because although you say he's been great. his actions were a bit too much. Choking you past unconsciousness is not healthy at all. tHe correct thing to do would have been walking away, OR simply pushing you away in defense and leaving at that.

 

He is cold right now because reality has probably set in.

 

It's up to you what decision you make. But i honestly think time apart will work in your favor.

 

Eventually when you both are healed and have had time to reflect and work through your issues. Then I think couples counseling would be a good route *if* you two choose to stay together.

[GrowingUp]

So we live together we have to make arrangements to move out. This will be hard.

[lostnscared]

So we live together we have to make arrangements to move out. This will be hard.

 

I'm not saying he has to move out permanently. Rather if possible one of you guys needs to move out temporarily--that could mean staying with a friend, hotel, etc. While the other person remains at the home. In a few weeks you guys come back together and try to work out.

 

That is just my suggestion. I just think that the wound is very fresh. Seeing each other right after it happened seems to have put this distance between you two. And you have many issues internally that need to be worked out, without having to focus on working out this relationship.

 

If in a few weeks you feel better and feel ready to see him and talk it out. Then do so, and then talk about couple's therapy.

[Cheetarah]

Well I stated earlier in my post that I have tried to get free counseling, I went and it was not helpful at all. I used to have insurance but not anymore. So do you have any other suggestions? Thank You.

 

These were suggestions I saw in your other thread.

 

Sliding scale therapy. I did this once, when I was unemployed. I worked with a student therapist(under the watch of her superior, who was a psychologist and professor) weekly. I payed $10 per session. They videotaped the sessions with your permission - It wasn't necessary in order to receive the therapy, so you could say no if you'd like.

 

Are you able to put yourself in someone else's shoes? Empathy? Maybe it would help you to see what it looks like from HIS side.

 

Go to link removed. They will get you therapy you can afford; it's what they do.

 

You truly do sound like you have pretty severe insecurity issues. Fear of abandonment issues. He won't stick around long, if you don't get help.

 

And go back to my other post and order that book. It's under $10. And it will be very valuable.

[GrowingUp]

Oh yeah I'm looking into that. Thanks