Anyone elses physical features polarize people?

[meister]

This is the OP here.

 

I read some of your comments in this thread and many of you are quite insightful. Thanks. I've read up on BDD and I do think I have a minor case but there are many symptoms I don't have. For example, I'm not really preoccupied with a particular flaw like many BDD sufferers are, rather I just generally don't feel I'm attractive usually. I also have zero interest in cosmetic surgery and apparently many BDD sufferers do. In addition I don't think about my physical experience all day like many BDD sufferers want surgery; however, when I do think about it , I'm not happy about it!

 

My biggest problem is I generally just think very low of my physical appearance no matter what positive things people say about me. This gets reinforced with the negative reactions I get half the time from people as I mentioned in the original thread. Not sure if this is BDD or just low self esteem.

 

IS BDD just an excuse for ugly people? Are ugly people supposed to view themselves as attractive? I think i see reality while according to BDD theory I'm delusional.........

 

Some of you people on here with possible BDD, how does yours manifest itself?

 

 

Someone mentioned they would give me the "straight goods" if I posted a picture haha? I don't want to post pictures in this thread but if someone wants to give me the straight goods you can msg me and I'll hook you up.

 

I don't think it would accomplish anything though because either

A: You say i'm not very attractive and it lowers my self esteeem

or B: you say I look okay and I won't believe you because I think you're just being nice

 

 

Honestly I guess all of this is not really that big of a deal but I just wish I would feel good about myself more often!

[xyzzzz]

Here are some mindset for u have "90% people like your look" look; "decent looking and i have my own style,work a bit and I can get a fair result";"I have the least desirable look but I accept it and dont try to get things from my look but my other strong abilities".

If I have to relate, lol I seriously have no clue about where I stand when it comes to "beauty".I think because I used to be kinda obsessed about look and tried all the time to analyse if Im attractive to people,which is exhausting and confusing.And even now,if you let me think..I'll still stumble into some freaky mind circle. I still dont know what to do except stop thinking.I have to say it doesnt work all the time lol cuz when it comes to someone I like,I'll feel insecure again and I dont expect to get him using my "charming personality".Huh...........

But maybe it works for u.." Im not that gorgeous type but I have my own style"

[xyzzzz]

Why..if someone is really not attractive,cant someone just accept it?

Having said that I dont think someone can be ugly.Ur not un-proportioned right?Get a good body,wear decent outfit,shave clean.It's that easy!When I walk into a bank I feel the guys just all look good.Why? They dress decent.Shower shirt suit shoes then shove off.

It seriously is so easy for guys to look good,at least in girls eyes. To girls it's somehow critical.

As for the"straight look"..I can help u if u need it.I will be blunt.lol

[shyguy1]

Junior High was ages ago and I think it would be best if you got over it. You cant compare every girl to this one or you will remain single and a virgin for a very long time. It's really hard to feel sympathy and want to help someone who claims he's unattractive and will remain a virgin forever then turns around and says he want a girl that compares to another girl who was of model standards. If you want to succeed at dating and potentially find someone, you need to give people a chance. This doesn't just go for you, but all of us.

 

Yes it was a long long time ago and yes I've tried to get over it, easier said than done when you've been in as few relationships as I have. I said in my initial post that a person wouldn't necessarily have to compare to her from a feature standpoint, (to be fair I did also mention that she would have to be at least fairly good looking)

 

Perhaps the fairly good looking comment was a bit much, I however don't think it's unreasonable to expect there to be at least 'some' physical attractions there, or otherwise what's the point?

 

I guess the only reason I've had trouble getting over her, is because quite simply put it's the only time in my sad pathetic life that I've ever felt 'love' I've only gone on a small handful of dates in the time since then.

 

I would be lying if I said that my attitude about not only myself, but life as a whole wasn't a major hindrance.... it is and I know this.

 

I come from a long line of stubborn people, we simply deal with things because we can always 'handle' them. It's not a great trait to have and it's certainly hurt me, more than what it's helped.

 

I could have gotten help a long time ago... might feel better about myself today and even be in a relationship (although I doubt it.. there goes my negative side again) All the same wish I had sought out help, but can't go back in time.. it's a mistake I must live with.

 

As it stands right now, I'm not in a position to get help. I have a roommate who got laid off a few months ago and having a hell of a time finding work. I have insurance from work and could get my physical health issues checked out with only a 20 dollar co pay, but quite honestly I'm so broke from paying twice the bills and nearly twice the rent, that I can't even always afford a 20 dollar co pay.

 

Then there's the fact that things like therapy and/or anti depressant medication is expensive and generally not covered by health insurance... due primarily to this Country's stubborn reluctance to admit severe mental issues, are every bit the 'disease' that severe physical issues can be... So getting help for my emotional issues, isn't likely to be a possibility for awhile.

[Curious_Girl]

You are so cool, random girl! This is a great post!! (Not just the bolded part)

[Curious_Girl]

Similarly, I have had no luck in the relationship aspects of my life. Women don't find guys who "look like terrorists" attractive. I'm also pushing my mid twenties and am still a virgin. I do not have an "entitlement mentality" I simply don't think that I should be allowed to live my life just like anyone else does.

 

If you are religious, why are you not dating Sikh women? They shouldn't mind.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I've always had a thing for guys with "interesting" facial features or voices. Magazine, generic good looking (although I can appreciate it) does little for me when looking for a potential mate.

[randomgirl59]

No I agree that attraction is a key role, its not everything but it does play a part. I just think continuously thinking about her and the relationship you had will ruin your chances even further. Its like approaching a relationship when you still haven't gotten over your ex. You might meet a woman who is the complete opposite of your first love but that isn't necessarily a negative thing.

 

I'm sorry you are unable to get help. I'm assuming you're from the US? I'm from Canada and the whole issue with therapy is complicated. Psychiatrists are covered by our government's health plan but psychologists aren't. Psychiatrists also can prescribe medicine but aren't as focused on cognitive therapy which is needed (in addition to or without meds) for people with issues like depression, negative thinking, social anxieties, etc. Not to mention the waiting lists are extremely long. My doctor keeps recommending me this psychologist who is supposed to be amazing, but I cant afford it. I definitely agree that mental issues are health issues and need to be seen as such.

 

There is still hope though, while seeing a therapist can help you, in many instances it ultimately comes down if you want to help yourself, particularly when it comes to issues like negative thinking. (but obviously schizophrenia and the like need medication and doctors) I think if a person is really determined to change, they can without seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. The only thing you need a psychiatrist for is if you need medication like anti-depressants. I would try to avoid meds if you can anyway, because they dont always work.

 

Try buying books with exercises that help you identify negative thought patterns and solutions to make them stop. A good book is The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It gives you a list of negative thought patterns and tips on how to change them. There are also books on self esteem, social anxiety etc. If you cant buy books, then research the net. I know this doesn't necessarily sound convincing, but there are sites out there that can assist in on improving self esteem, countering negative and defeatist thinking, etc. I'm not a doctor, I cant diagnose you, but from many of the things you say it seems like you're suffering from similar issues as me. Loss of hope, extreme negative thinking, pessimism, telling yourself you'll never find someone....these things you need and can change yourself if you're determined to, maybe not to the full extent, but even just a bit helps. Its all in the mind. I know its easier said than done, and it takes a lot of work, but its better than not trying at all.

 

I've gone to many therapists in the past, they all tell me the same thing "you are being too negative, things are not as bad as you make them out to be, you dont know what people are actually thinking, etc" When you realize these things yourself, then you can take steps to change them, and you dont necessarily need a therapist for that. They're just going to tell you things like "get out of your comfort zone. Put yourself out there. Talk to women, ask them out" The books will tell you the same.

 

Medication may still be needed, so I would at least talk to your doctor about your options, but if you really cant afford it, then at least try to do what I mentioned above. I know its tough, I'm nowhere near close to being "cured" myself, but if therapy is out of the question, the least you could do is try. You never know what's going to happen in the future, its not possible. You may remain single, but you also may not, so its pointless to keep telling yourself that you will. Because you just dont know.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

 

Thank you!!

[CRCfem]

My bf is sikh and he has experienced similar treament in the UK, but hopefully getitng less and less bugged by it As for me, I think sikh men are beautiful!!!

[sweetpea03]

I'd say he's universally attractive. You don't seriously find him ugly?

 

I think he is ugly, in all seriousness.

 

There isn't a universal attractiveness. For every person who finds Brad Pitt attractive, there are others who find him unattractive, like myself. It just depends on what certain women want. And we all want different things.

[lostnscared]

Brad Pitt is attractive to me as in I can see him and see why people deem him a good looking actor. But in terms of IF I could date him, If I find him hot, meh no. He has nice body though.

[ibu]

I think he is ugly, in all seriousness.

 

There isn't a universal attractiveness. For every person who finds Brad Pitt attractive, there are others who find him unattractive, like myself. It just depends on what certain women want. And we all want different things.

 

I would have to agree with you here. Brad Pitt certainly isn't my idea of an "attractive guy" either. Attraction is subjective, OP.

[bostonbruins44]

I am not really sure why this is an issue or a concern for you since you have been able to date women whom you are very attracted to. Your scenario describes just about 100% of the people on earth..Some people will find you attractive, others will not.It's not something to be concerned about.If you are continuosly getting rejected by women that you happen to find attractive then it might be an issue but I don't think that is the case with you.