TurtleDove12 Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 No, you cannot help but feel that. At least you're strong enough to admit it, many others would not. You'll feel that. No shame in it. Try to keep perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted July 3, 2010 Author Share Posted July 3, 2010 So, I woke up this morning about to start 3rd day NC and got a text from him: "Good morning! I hope you have a good day. Sorry I haven't been in contact. How are you? I'm sad I was in an accident this morning. He was in an accident. Should I say anything? I won't make any action till I get a vote. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurtleDove12 Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 Well he's obviously ok. He wouldn't be texting if he weren't ok. I don't know what you'd say in that situation. You cannot be concerned with what's going on in his life IF you want to move on, I don't think contacting him is the best idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bungalo Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 Oh Cherry. I think you should turn the tables on him and not respond or contact him for a while. Not to manipulate him, but to heal up. If he wanted a solid rel/ship with you he would be banging on your door. Look, you and I are alike..I hang in well beyond the call of duty. Work on respecting yourself. Think about what YOU NEED not about him. I know it's hard..I'm going throught the individuation process again after being a part of a couple again. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted July 3, 2010 Author Share Posted July 3, 2010 It's hard not to care. He's upset, and I can't be there for him. I won't respond though. Maybe he'll feel real loss once he realizes I'm not there by his side when times get rough. But I'll be honest, I feel like a horrible person. I'm walking away when someone I care about is seeking comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bungalo Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 Can you be with him platonically? Think about this very hard. I think about this all the time. The highest love is letting go of getting anything in return. You obviously still have feelings for him. If you have to contact him do it, but don't expect to feel better, don't expect the longing for more to go away, don't pretend that you're not going to go into a downward spiral when he dates other girls. Talk is cheap. Actions speak. Again, if he wanted you, he would show up in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bungalo Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 It's almost better when they're cold and evil to you after a split. Helps you move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherryberry123 Posted July 3, 2010 Author Share Posted July 3, 2010 It's almost better when they're cold and evil to you after a split. Helps you move on. I know, it would help a lot. But, he's just too sweet. A part of me wants to say "Just say something horrible to me! Make me hate you!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moving Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 Can you be with him platonically? Think about this very hard. I think about this all the time. The highest love is letting go of getting anything in return. Yeah, this is one that I wrestle with in being friends with my ex. It seems to me that this really should be what I mean when I feel that I love him Romantic love - wanting or expecting something in return - definitely seems like a "lower" form of love. It's possessive, it's demanding, it's ... greedy, in a sense. When it hurts to talk to my ex, I wonder if I should finally tell him - "I love you, so we can't be friends. I can't talk to you and continue to hurt." And I wonder - why should love be a source of hurt. Why should it not instead be a source of joy - that I can care about and feel for someone positive in my life, regardless of what he or anyone else thinks or does. What does it mean to say, "I can feel caring for you and be around you only if you feel the exact same way about me, and if not it's too painful for me to deal with." I don't know the answers to any of this - just asking the questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurtleDove12 Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 "I love you, so we can't be friends. Right on the money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted July 3, 2010 Share Posted July 3, 2010 Ok, when you start debating with yourself about what love means and how you should be able to love your ex even if he has a new girl and you have to watch them together and just take it, then you are truly desperate and circling the drain emotionally. It means you are so desperate to hang onto him in your life, that you will hang onto abstractions like 'what is love' as a justification to keep him around and not have to do the work to let go and move on. Honestly, most people don't have every person they've ever dated still in their lives for their whole lives, in fact, that can be counterproductive and lead to affairs when in weak moments with their current partners, or to never truly bonding with the current partner because deep down they still want the ex who is with someone else. Most exes who never married and don't have to see each other due to kids do let go entirely when they finally get a new partner they are serious about. So it is just a matter of time until his guilt wears off and he gives you the boot entirely. Better to leave with dignity on your own timetable than when he gets a new serious girlfriend who demands he stop wasting all that time blabbering with an ex. So just STOP this kind of thinking. It is not good for you. If you want to debate what love means, then go take a philosophy course, but don't try to use this kind of thinking to talk yourself into hanging onto someone who has left you and doesn't want you anymore. It is painful, but keep reminding yourself, he could have had you, but instead he chose to break up with you and doesn't want you enough to make you a partner. He may be fine with hooking up now and then and ego strokes that you give with with all your contact and telling him you miss him and asking him for reassurance, but really, it isn't selfless love at all, it is you wanting him back and not being able to let him go off and live his life with someone he likes better than you. That is the truth, he doesn't love/like you enough to be your partner. Remember that, and try to let go. And a more genuine selfless love would say, he doesn't want me, so i have to let him go find someone else and quit mooning around telling him how much i miss him and making him feel guilty and making him talk to me about how i feel fat and etc. all the time like we're still together when we're not. Just let him go, and focus on finding a partner who does want to really love you and be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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