How do you forgive a cheater?

[Staple]

A long one guys, but I broke it up into paragraphs for those who don't want to read everything. Thanks for the support everyone seriously.

 

Or perhaps she loves drama, attention and for people to love her much more.

 

I don't know. But she seems to be a very hateful person. Just yesterday she told me about how she hates her roommate and wants to move out. I asked her why, because honestly her roommate is such a sweet person, and she told me "I just hate her" and then gave me an example of how when she told her roommate she was going to go work out, her roommate mentioned how they should do it together or something. Basically she felt like her roommate was showing off how skinny she is. Which is ridiculous in my opinion.

 

 

 

I don't think you did much wrong other than letting someone take advantage of you. It seems like you were trying to fix things by doing things to show her how much you loved her as if that were the issue at the heart of the matter.

 

She doesn't seem to be trying that anymore though. I mean, it doesn't erase the past, but right now she's really been acting like the girlfriend she should have been a long time ago =\. Cuddles more, etc...

 

 

Please tell me that you're joking.

 

I'm not, and I wish that were all. On the letter, she called him "My Brown Bear" (he was Puerto Rican) and ended it with "Love, your bunnies". The problem with that? She calls me "Boo Bear" and among the nicknames for her, I did call her bunnies. I can't believe anyone could do that. I'm telling you, it's not the sex part that hurts the most, its the way she completely disregarded me emotionally as if those two years meant nothing.

 

When she was in Puerto Rico having sex with him, I messaged her a lot on Facebook asking her why she didn't answer her phone. She actually messaged me back with some weird excuse and followed it with a long letter on how much she loves me and thinks I'm amazing....this is while she was sitting in the bed with the other guy....

 

She also borrowed $400 from me to pay for towing her car, and then obviously didn't pay it back...her mom actually gave her money to cheat on me instead of paying me back. Btw, I never asked for the money back--not until I found out. That's when I told her simply put, if you don't give me $400 soon, I'm going to make a big deal out of this. She ended up giving it back. It's funny, she justified not paying me back by blaming me for the car being towed (I was checking on her car, but she never told me I had to move it or they would tow it, otherwise, why wouldn't I have done so?)

 

On our anniversary, again, through the e-mails I found and phone call logs, she was busy talking to him and they were discussing how she was going to break up with me. In the meantime, I took her out to her favorite place (Rock Sugar) and bought her a long coat to wear (she has NO jackets except for the two I bought her, and honestly I did not want her to be cold all the time). I was waiting to see if she would at least say "Happy Anniversary" but she didn't =(.

 

I wish that were all of it. Honestly speaking, she gave me so many excuses for cheating. I just don't get any of them. They were all so trivial. I'm serious here, I know the difference between a real problem and a trivial one. For example, she doesn't like how I don't like hard-rock music the way she does. Or she doesn't like the way I make her feel stupid just because I'm in school and she isn't (not even kidding here). Or she doesn't like my sisters for being so skinny (she's not even fat, she's actually very attractive, no idea why she's so obsessive about this). And so on.

 

She even said that I'm "scary when I'm angry". I asked her why. Did I ever hit you? No. Have I ever shouted at you? No. Have I ever insulted you or used bad words to degrade you? No. So what do I do exactly? She said well, when you're upset it shows on your face....and? Sometimes I get upset. Sometimes, not getting the LSAT score I wanted during practice upsets me. Sometimes, my girlfriend sleeping with other men upsets me. I have the right to be upset! I just hate how she is trying to label me as some kind of psycho...

 

I actually asked her, seriously, are you going to give me one proper reason? How can you cheat on someone for not liking your music? She couldn't give me one single good reason. She just says, "I can't think of anything right now". Ah well. Honestly I think she just had a crush on that guy even before we dated, and it just worked out that way, that she needed me to be her boyfriend until she could meet him.

 

 

You sound like a very romantic and caring guy and I can see how much you're hurting. For your sake, I wish you would get mad at her and break up with her instead of letting things gently fade away. I think that when you look back on this many months or years from now that you're going to be upset that you let her walk all over you and never stood up for yourself.

 

I just can't bring myself to do it. I just keep her around because I'm lonely, that's the truth. And her cat is like my best little buddy now. He follows me everywhere, we play games together, and to be honest I just don't want to lose him too.

 

But I can't deny that every time she sits in my house I just want her out of it.

 

This morning, we're sleeping (I know, in the same bed, disgusting I know) and she hogged the entire blanket. I swear I am not lying, I asked her nicely "Babe you have the entire blanket on your side, just be careful I really don't want to get sick" and she replied with "Jeez, I can't help it, ugh, just shut up". I asked her why she couldn't just say "Okay, I'll try" at least. You can't ask her anything without her going berserk on you. I'm not even kidding.

 

 

When you move and start a new life for yourself please get some counseling and start working through why you felt you didn't deserve more than this. I think you've also got to gain some understanding about why you chose this person as the one that you'd love. There had to be red flags at the beginning and you don't want to make the mistake of choosing someone like her again. Since you've been struggling with this for so long, you may have conditioned yourself to feel that those extreme lows (and the highs when you come out of them) are associated with true love, when really they're just part of dysfunction.

 

It's like you're reading my mind. The extreme lows and highs...its exactly what I'm experiencing all the time. I hate her so much right now, but I know that later on I'm going to love her all over again. Don't know what to do anymore.

 

She just makes me feel so damn miserable. She just had to mention the other day how "I'm with you because you've changed"...and I just didn't have the energy to tell her, listen, I didn't change one single bit...I have not changed a single thing about myself, this has always been me. I'm not a perfect person...and I know I must have made mistakes that may have hurt her? But I knew one thing for sure, that I loved her, and even when she hurt me (so many times during our relationship), I went back home, saw her sleeping and just forgot about everything negative. Maybe she just focused on my negative side.

[Squiggy]

Sometimes people live their life the way they want to live their life. In my opinion, she doesn't want a perfect boyfriend. At the start ofcourse that's what everyone "thinks" is what they want, but as time passes through, the reality sinks in and changes their idea of who they want to be with. Imagine herself with a guy who does everything for her, what other things can she do? She has a guy who looks after her, a guy who brings her out, guy who buys her clothes. She woke up one day and said to her self "is this what my life is supposed to be?"

 

Being with a new guy is just so much more interesting to her right now. The guy doesn't know how to dress, doesn't have a job, but really really likes . For her, this is life, it has to be exciting, has to be spontaneous, has to be challenging.

 

You have to accept it that she'll be forever remember you as "the prince that loved me" but she'll be the princess that everyone will have to hate. And this is not because of her friends, her mother, her upbringing, this is her choice that she'll live with for the rest of her life. What she makes of it is totally up to her.

 

You have to make that choice too, you can forever try to shield the person you love from all the danger. Or shield yourself from all the danger and learn to let go. It's a tough decision I know, but we all have to make that choice atleast 100 times in our lives.

[savignon]

I know it sounds stupid but she's important to me, despite what she did...does that make sense?

 

It doesn't make much sense to me, to be honest. If I were sleeping with someone else for 2 years, my SO wouldn't even blink about moving accross country...and it wouldn't be happenstance that he was going so far in the opposite direction!! I don't always understand guys who want girls who treat them this way.

[savignon]

I just keep her around because I'm lonely, that's the truth. And her cat is like my best little buddy now. He follows me everywhere, we play games together, and to be honest I just don't want to lose him too.

 

You are fooling yourself. The fact that you have so little regard for yourself after everything you just spewed about her (and I say spew because it's like you're spitting...you don't have one kind thing to say about this girl)...the fact that even with all of this disdain you have for her, you don't have an ounce of strength to stand up for yourself has nothing to do with a cat.

And that fact that given everything you've said, you'll shrink away in bed begging for just a corner of the blanket is making me shudder. I have to say that with the lack of respect you have for yourself, other people will naturally follow (ie telling you to shut up when you just want a fair shake)

The unfortunate thing is that this whole scenario will repeat itself in your next relationship, because underneath it all is not her or her mother or the Brown Bear...it's that you don't respect yourself enough to say "I can do better".

[dreamygirl]

Did your ex apologize to you for cheating? Was she really sorry? She may do it again especially if you let her think you can by hanging on to her. Its better to let her go but if you can't, remain in low contact and try to date others, you may find someone you like better.

[Staple]

Savignon, you have a good point. Ugh, its difficult. I think she seems regretful. And she's been doing some great things--for example, when I came back from D.C. this weekend she was waiting for me with dinner, candles and sexy lingerie. That was great.

 

Still, its difficult sleeping next to her knowing what she did, ah well. The hard part is you think you know someone, I thought she was the sweetest girl in the world, but then they turn out to be something entirely different. People cheat I get it, but the way she went about it, and the way she treated me in the weeks afterward showed such a lack of respect for others and a selfishness in her that I never knew existed. She really cared for nobody but herself, and I don't think that's something that will ever change. It's sad because I really loved and cared about her, in fact, I still do.

[Ms Darcy]

How do you know she's not sleeping with someone else right now?

[Staple]

Of course I can't be 100% sure, but she sleeps over at my place all the time, and anyways I couldn't care less considering that she already did it. I'm leaving to D.C. in a month, and probably won't see her ever again after that.

[Staple]

Ugh I'm so angry with myself right now. Why am I still with this person I do not know. She calls me up after her work and tells me she's coming over, gets me excited to see her then she goes home and calls me up when she's there and tells me she's too tired to come. This is not the first time she's done this and I'm getting so sick of it. WHY AM I INCAPABLE OF BREAKING UP WITH THIS PERSON.

[FootofGod]

Oh of course she's regretful, but regret isn't enough. You'd have to be a monster not to be regretful, no matter who it was. To be able to have sex with someone and not feel guilty enough to stop it from happening takes some kind of degenerate. I've thought about cheating on my ex, you know just in the "what if I had sex with another woman" way, and no matter what, when I really thought about what it would actually be like, not just typical fantasy stuff, I just felt sick. I could feel the guilt before I did the deed, and I wasn't ever actually planning on it. I don't know how anybody can overcome that guilt then look in the mirror. Of all the pain I've gone through, it won't be anywhere near as bad as that of a cheater.

[Staple]

^ I don't know why I find that hard to believe. When I found out she was still going out with friends, calling the guy up, etc..., I don't think she was able to feel an ounce of guilt until she saw how hurt I was, and I think that was what she was trying to avoid, feeling guilty at all. I hate her, ugh.

[beautifulangel]

Hi Staple,

Guess you really have to look at this issue objectively. You really have to ask yourself if you will be able to forget her sleeping with another guy, check your emotions and ensure that you don't take any decisions emotionally pal... its very important. I had a break up and my girl went into a rebound and i have a feeling my ex did sleep with this guy much before she broke off with me officially... yes it hurts man. But than we have too choose if we are going to give this power to our exes to treat us like this just because we are putting all our faith in them. Is it really worth it pal?

[beautifulangel]

well said bar35... what a great insight pal... Superb...

[Staple]

I'm never getting into a freaking long-term relationship again. BIG mistake.