Did my (ex?)boyfriend step over the line sexually?

[Day_Walker]

Not realizing you were driving drunk because you were drunk doesnt make it any better.

 

 

Not true, a person can be so intoxicated that they cannot be held responsible for their actions. Being intoxicated gives a person an inclination to do that that he/she would have not done but for the intoxication.

[OpentoLife]

Not true, a person can be so intoxicated that they cannot be held responsible for their actions. Being intoxicated gives a person an inclination to do that that he/she would have not done but for the intoxication.

 

Are you kidding??? So I can sit in my house, drink a whole case of beer and 2 bottles of Jack, get into my car, crash into another car, kill the people in the other car, and I won't be held responsible?

 

If you're so drunk that you kill someone on the road, you're responsible.

If you're so drunk that you rape someone, you're responsible.

 

And that last line of yours, is NOT a get-out-of-jail free card. Being drunk is no excuse. It is your decision to keep pouring alcohol down your throat.

[Puckdog27]

Not true, a person can be so intoxicated that they cannot be held responsible for their actions. Being intoxicated gives a person an inclination to do that that he/she would have not done but for the intoxication.

 

Really, wow. Then how do you explain all the DUI laws?

 

Just because it gives you an inclination doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your actions. Not in any place I ever heard of anyway. California doesnt have DUI laws?

[deardeer]

Thank you. Immediately after the flashback I had trouble eating and sleeping for a couple of days. Luckily, I was able to get in to see my therapist early, and she told me the same, that this could be a good break-through in a sense.

 

My therapist and I actually discussed my breaking up with him as well and it was really helpful in being able to process my emotions around the whole thing. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't ending things with him for the wrong reasons.

 

I am also not going to do any more drinking. That was honestly another part of the relationship that bothered me, we both seemed to drink way too much when together.

[OpentoLife]

Thank you. Immediately after the flashback I had trouble eating and sleeping for a couple of days. Luckily, I was able to get in to see my therapist early, and she told me the same, that this could be a good break-through in a sense.

 

My therapist and I actually discussed my breaking up with him as well and it was really helpful in being able to process my emotions around the whole thing. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't ending things with him for the wrong reasons.

 

I am also not going to do any more drinking. That was honestly another part of the relationship that bothered me, we both seemed to drink way too much when together.

 

Congratulations. I'm so happy to read the positivity from your post.

 

About the drinking thing... I think that's a great idea to stop drinking right now. Clear your head, work on yourself. Then when/if you do have a drink again, just remember... moderation. Instead of having 5 or 6 drinks, sip on one all night. Of course, it would be my advice to stay away from it altogether. (I don't drink at all, don't see the point in it really). But if you do, moderation is the key.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Your situation definitely requires more communication and an understanding on his part as well as yours. I'm really sorry about what you've gone through. It sounds like your bf really cares about you and wouldn't intentionally hurt you. In his eyes you were seemingly enjoying it. Guys tend to think of that as a green light that it's now on the table as an option. He may not have taken what you told him about the abuse as I am not willing to do that. Think of it like this. Many women are molested or raped vaginally, and while it may be difficult at times, and their bf's must be patient it doesn't usually mean that they will not have sex. He may have misunderstood how strongly you really felt about it. Now that he knows, if he tries it again he's being a selfish priick.

[moonsparkle]

i dont think your overreacting because of what happened to you in your past but i dont think he was wrong either i think it was just a misunderstanding he may have thought exactly what he told you he did, and each situation is different, yes u told him about it initially but maybe because u were drunk both times he thought you might trust him to do it?..i say dont get upset with him but rather talk to him about it and make it clear that in no way or any state ur in do you want to have anal sex, also if you feel like you cant trust that he wont do that during sex, then you should probably stop having sex with him instead of having sex with him and expecting him to not do something, even though when a girl says no its no! and he needs to learn to respect that. just talk and see what happens

[Cheetarah]

I was also a victim of sexual abuse. I understand your reaction perfectly. I also see why you would say you thought it'd be obvious. I mean, if someone told ME that when they were a child, someone did xyz thing to them, I'd steer far the hell away from it.

 

I had those flashbacks, too. Even in more recent times, though they are far less frequent. They are completely traumatizing, and it doesn't take a genius to gauge that from one's reactions. I NEVER had a boyfriend who attempted to do the things to me again that brought on the flashback. One reaction was enough. Didn't matter if their heads were 'fuzzy' or not. You. just. don't. do. it. - UNLESS you get an absolute O.K from your partner. And if (s)he says stop, you don't assume it's stop for now, stick penis in anus later on when feelings 'wear off'.

 

OP, I am so glad you got to speak with your therapist. I hope you're feeling better, sweetie.

[waveseer]

I think you should talk with him again to clear the air. I also think you should break up with him because you are not sexually compatible.

[DD123]

you are definitely expecting too much of him. the man is not a mind reader! he didnt know you were sexually abused (which is not something you should keep with someone you are close enough to be having sex with...???) and he obviously didnt know the connection between you getting freaked out that time and the anal sex, especially since it sounds like you enjoyed it. just be upfront with him!

[lavenderdove]

^^

Umm, is everyone here missing the post where she said he did it a SECOND TIME *after* she had told him about the abuse and freaked out about it? She couldn't have been more clear when she cried and had a flashback for a full hour and told him about the abuse and that he shouldn't do it. And then he did it again!

 

The sad thing is that people who have not been victims of serious trauma think their rights to have 'fun' take precedence over another person's right to control their own body and experiences. Which explains why there is so much abuse to begin with.

 

I applaud the OP's willingness to confront her own past and work to build a happy life for herself. She can and should control her own body and not have sexual experiences forced on her by ANYBODY if she has once said no. So she made a very wise call to break up with this guy, because he not only minimized her trauma, but knowingly contributed to more of it after she informed him of the experience and told him what he was doing wasn't acceptable.

 

We can't control all the harm done to us when we are overpowered as a child or in situations where violence or threat is used, but we can certainly control who we take as intimate partners, and if someone is so disrespectful and selfish as to try to force anal sex on a child abuse survivor, then they deserve to be dumped.

[mmmd]

this guy is a complete tool for trying it again after you talked to him.

 

i was with a girl who had been abused and had "triggers" and i stayed FAR FAR FAR away from them IMMEDIATELY after she told me about them.

 

what he did was absurd

[Puckdog27]

^^

Umm, is everyone here missing the post where she said he did it a SECOND TIME *after* she had told him about the abuse and freaked out about it? She couldn't have been more clear when she cried and had a flashback for a full hour and told him about the abuse and that he shouldn't do it. And then he did it again!

 

 

This is the part that blows my mind, that anyone can imagine miscommunication here. And were talking about anal sex at that. Is everyone having so much anal sex out there now that its just assumed to go ahead and enter??? Ive been with a decent amount of women in my time. 2 have allowed me anal, and it was only after much discussion. I didnt realize it was just an assumed activity that you could just go ahead and slide it in with out discussion now a days. Boy am I missing out. I would really be curious how many of the posters on here just have anal sex at will like this guy appears to do.

[lavenderdove]

I have never had a guy try that ever without bringing it up in conversation first. In fact, guys always apologize if they are having vaginal sex and it 'slips' and impacts that area by accident, even without it going inside. Anal sex can be incredibly painful unless you are prepared for it and trying to do it together with lube etc, not just one person trying to ram it in on the spur of the moment without asking first.

 

So only a totally insensitive, selfish, or brutish person would try this on a woman without discussing it with her first.

[tiredofvampires]

I agree with everything being said about anal sex being a not-lightly entered upon (literally) matter, even in the most "normal" of cases.

 

I'm putting myself in the position of this guy, having gotten the UNAMBIGUOUS, UNEQUIVOCAL, DIRECT evidence that a certain sexual act was this traumatic, and I can't imagine even if this wasn't anal sex, I would WANT to do it with her again, even if she asked me to. If in the future, she said to me, "I'd like to try this again", I'd say, (even if it's something I wanted to do), "Are you sure? What makes you feel more ready now?" If she was drunk, I'd say, "Sweetie, let's not go there right now, I wanna do it when we're not s-faced." (I think even drunk, I'd be thinking, "LUBE", at very least.) When the time came, if my partner wanted to attempt something that was THAT traumatizing before, I'd be telling them all the way "Are you sure, okay, but tell me to stop if you need, and I'll stop right away." And I'd do it very gingerly and watching their reactions the whole time, and even asking, "how is it? is it okay still?". I'd do it with a lot of trepidation, myself. If they wanted to "brave" something like that, I'd want to be part of working through it with them, not just eagerly thinking, "Wow, cool, maybe they're finally over their freaking out, and the party can begin!"

 

A lot of people here have also chalked up the "miscommunication" to his being drunk and not thinking clearly, but this is what the OP said in the OP about his reasoning later, to her:

 

He has left me messages and sent emails apologizing and saying that since I had been into it at first during his initial attempt he thought it may be something I was up to try again.

 

He did not say, "I was drunk, I wasn't thinking clearly, I don't know how I could have wound up doing that!" He said THIS, above. So he was clearly reasoning from a standpoint of unilateral decision-making and thoughtless presumptuousness. A man without cement between his ears would have realized the first few minutes before she screamed were minutes where it hadn't registered what was going on, fully, and that being hit by a flashback wiped away any semblance of pleasure prior to that, making it null and void.

 

There is no leg for this guy to stand on.

[Puckdog27]

Well said TOV...hopefully alot of people who are chalking this up as "miscommunication" are paying attention to how to treat a partner.

[arcadefire]

One, anal sex isn't something your bf or anyone for that matter should just do without asking the person consensually. Any form of sex needs consent.

 

Second, since he knew about your past trauma and decided to ignore it, then what else will he overstep your boundaries on? He seems like a person who wants to do what he wants without consideration for you.

[Kaiyinn Flynn]

I don't think there's any excuse for what he did, at all. He knew about your past and he tried to do it again anyway. That's simply not okay, even if he was drunk. Personally, I wouldn't give him another chance. You deserve to be with someone who respects you.

[lostinmargins]

Um, that's messed up. No other way around it, this guy is an ass for attempting anal sex with you after you'd explicitly told him about your history and how uncomfortable it makes you feel. It was inconsiderate and insensitive on his part, and honestly, I wouldn't forgive him if I were you.

[ponyboy314]

Sexual abuse is like shell shock for war veterans. The after-effects don't vanish so quickly and it leads too often to reacting in such a way that those who know you now feel as though they are getting blamed for sins committed upon you by others. This is understandable on your part, but it is still unfair.

 

When you say that you don't want anal sex because of something that happened in your childhood, you are essentially saying that there is something he can't enjoy with you because of something someone else did, like he has to pay the price for sins committed by others. He was not the one who sexually abused you as a child, so he's likely wondering why you can't see the difference between him and whoever did this to you back then. Maybe he thought that if you two knew each other better and began to trust each other more, you would come to see that what happened then might still have a seriously effect on you, but what happened then and what's happening now are two different things.

 

And if you think he violated your trust, then what does this mean? That the moment you told him that anal sex sparks an uncomfortable memory, that he just wants it more? That doesn't sound right. If you say that anal is out of the question because of your childhood, that probably means that you just threw a wall up between you and him and he wants to climb over it. A part of your sex life is closed off to him and of course he doesn't want to have to walk on eggshells when you two are together. That's no way to have a healthy sexual relationship.

 

No, I am not discounting or minimalizing what happened to you as a child. But as long as you can't go in that direction as an adult without it sparking painful childhood memories, then you are probably bound to not trust any man too much, for fear that it would all happen again. And if you throw up a wall between you and your partner, he might get tired of trying to climb it.

 

Perhaps he should respect your boundaries more, but you can't realistically shove guys away and expect them to be okay with it. No, I'm not saying that it's fair to you, but I am saying that it's not fair to him either. But then, just like every other aspect of life, relationships aren't usually fair.

[OpentoLife]

This is understandable on your part, but it is still unfair.

 

...you are essentially saying that there is something he can't enjoy with you because of something someone else did, like he has to pay the price for sins committed by others. He was not the one who sexually abused you as a child

 

...A part of your sex life is closed off to him and of course he doesn't want to have to walk on eggshells when you two are together. That's no way to have a healthy sexual relationship.

 

...Perhaps he should respect your boundaries more, but you can't realistically shove guys away and expect them to be okay with it. No, I'm not saying that it's fair to you, but I am saying that it's not fair to him either. But then, just like every other aspect of life, relationships aren't usually fair.

 

 

Are you kidding me??? So if she said no to him (pardon the visual) "pooping on her" then she is wrong and being unfair too? Partners should just do whatever the other person wants without any regard to how they, themselves, feel about a certain act? A LOT of women say no to anal sex. Does that mean they are unfair by "closing off a part of their sex life"? You're essentially saying that it is not fair that she refuses to have anal sex with this guy. And how is he not being able to have anal sex "paying the price" for what happened to her? What planet do you live on?

 

I just can not believe some of what has been said in this thread. I know we are all different and have vastly different views on every subject but it is still shocking sometimes.

[Puckdog27]

When you say that you don't want anal sex because of something that happened in your childhood, you are essentially saying that there is something he can't enjoy with you because of something someone else did, like he has to pay the price for sins committed by others. He was not the one who sexually abused you as a child,

 

WOW....just when I thought I heard all the things that could be said to defend what was done, 2 weeks later the winner comes along!

[srssatellite]

Some good points are made here, but please let me explain.

 

It's not the OP's fault that she was abused, and ponyboy is not saying it is. What I gather from this is that ponyboy is saying that the OP's boyfriend is trying to show the OP that he won't hurt her and wants to help her through this. After all, the best way to overcome something is to face it head-on.

 

I had something similar to this happen with my wife and I. She was abused from an ex, and after a year of no issues performing oral, she started to refuse/avoid giving me oral. And it does frustrate you when you realize that you are being forbidden from enjoying something because of what someone else (someone that is much less than you in all ways) did years before, and it creates kind of a competition to prove that you are not going to hurt them, you are not going to force them to do something they don't want, and that they can trust you.

 

I realize that the OP never did anal with her boyfriend then began to refuse it, so my example may be a little off, but I see where ponyboy is coming from.

 

To the OP, give it time, tell him why you reacted the way you did. If he's loving and understanding and wants to be with you, then it won't be a problem.

[ponyboy314]

Are you kidding me??? So if she said no to him (pardon the visual) "pooping on her" then she is wrong and being unfair too? Partners should just do whatever the other person wants without any regard to how they, themselves, feel about a certain act? A LOT of women say no to anal sex. Does that mean they are unfair by "closing off a part of their sex life"? You're essentially saying that it is not fair that she refuses to have anal sex with this guy. And how is he not being able to have anal sex "paying the price" for what happened to her? What planet do you live on?

 

I just can not believe some of what has been said in this thread. I know we are all different and have vastly different views on every subject but it is still shocking sometimes.

 

You seem to have interpreted my words in such a way that would allow for a great deal of righteous indignation on your part.

 

In case you didn't notice, she said that she was "getting into it" until she had a flashback or something. That means anal is something she might actually like, and that the only thing keeping it from happening is what some scumbag did to her as a kid. And because of that, someone can't even enjoy something with her because of the sins of OTHERS. Someone else did something terrible to her, but her guy (or ex-guy or whatever) is the one who can't even touch her without that coming up.

 

And no, it is not fair that she refuses it in psychological grounds. Sound cruel? It is. Again, I'm not downplaying what happened to her, but as long as she can't handle it because of bad memories, it's clear she'll never really learn to live with it.

 

Oh, I'm sorry, you think she should have this cloud over her head for the rest of her life instead of learning to deal with it? I'm speaking as someone who wants to encourage her to get through it and hopefully move on. You're speaking as someone who seems okay with her being haunted forever.

 

You want to know what planet I live on? The real one, not the dreamworld you live in.

[Sparkly Eyes]

The guy has two options after the first mistake...either tell the girl that he is sorry she is abused and he is not willing to be with her anymore if this issue is going to come up OR help her to resolve her issue with him, perhaps by talking to her when they are both sober. Ramming his penis in her rectum again when he is drunk is NOT one of them. If you think this is what real men do, then I have to feel sorry for real men and stick to the dreamworld men I've had so far.