Reflective82 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I absolutely love this book. It sounds dramatic at first but the basic premise is just being a little hard to get and not pursuing men, and therefore ending up with a man who is ambivalent or not crazy about you. I lent it to a friend who credits it with her marriage, and indeed, the men that I do this with (not on purpose, men I just don't like) I cannot get rid of. There is a reason that the men you like as a friend but not more, can't stop calling you! I cannot say enough good words about this book but everyone's opinion is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I had my own version of the rules far before that book was published. It was close to what the rules were and they worked for me at the time. I found some of the rules in the book too extreme and silly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflective82 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I would also add that I have broken the rules, pursued men, starting bringing up the future and marriage, being available at the last minute....and watched men's interest tail off. Some aspects of the book sound dramatic but I don't think they are manipulative, it is just saying not to pursue the guy so that you won't get hurt. It doesn't say to be unfriendly or say you aren't interested in them. And I 100% agree with not accepting dates at the last minute....guys who do this have either had a cancellation, or are just bored that night and seeing who is around. If you value someone, you ask them out in advance. I started seeing this last guy at the last minute and soon it was calls at 8 to come over that night for sex. I have broken the Rules and it has never worked. Also, I don't see why it matters that the authors are divorced as it isn't about how to make your marriage last forever, it is how to attract men in the beginning and I can honestly say both my previous boyfriends were crazy about me for the early years and pointed out how well I played it at the start and how romantic it was. It was when I started BREAKING the rules- being needy, pushy and dominating, that the relationship tailed off. But of course that wasn't the only reason and no book can guarantee a marriage for life Most women learn The Rules the hard way- by pursuing men and being rejected Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonny15 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I absolutely love this book. It sounds dramatic at first but the basic premise is just being a little hard to get and not pursuing men, and therefore ending up with a man who is ambivalent or not crazy about you. I lent it to a friend who credits it with her marriage, and indeed, the men that I do this with (not on purpose, men I just don't like) I cannot get rid of. There is a reason that the men you like as a friend but not more, can't stop calling you! I cannot say enough good words about this book but everyone's opinion is different. That book and other crap like it is makes me vomit. A book that encourages women to play games with the heads of men. Yea...real nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflective82 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 You obviously haven't read the book then. It doesn't say to play games, it just says to not pursue guys and to let them take the lead in the INITIAL stages of dating, therefore avoiding turning them off by coming on too strong or appearing easy and therefore taking away that initial excitement and spark of early dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflective82 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Also I can vouch for The Rules personally....this guy I have been ignoring will NOT stop ringing or texting me! The guy I texted? Not interested. Everyone knows this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonny15 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Also I can vouch for The Rules personally....this guy I have been ignoring will NOT stop ringing or texting me! The guy I texted? Not interested. Everyone knows this! Ignoring a guy just to get his attention is game playing. This crap also screams.."i'm too lazy to do anything but sit around and look pretty, while I make the man do all the work". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I didn't play games. I was that busy/active that if a man called me for a weekend date after Wednesday night most of the time I already had plans and if I didn't I believed that having a date with myself was far more important than being someone's afterthought (with a few exceptions of course). Back then , there was no texting, fewer cell phones and until the late 1990s/early 2000s e-mail/instant messaging really wasn't a way to communicate either especially for planning dates (I'm talking about in the major city where I did my dating and among my circles of friends,etc -might have been different elsewhere). It's funny -the men who really wanted to see me for a weekend date night made sure to get in touch with me in advance -and now it's so much easier with texting/email/cell phone. I also know that now because of that people are more casual about making plans more last minute -I know dating has changed. Again that's how it worked best for me in the particular relationships I had and wanted. My husband was fairly traditional when it came to dating so there were no games involved on either side. So were most of the men I dated/had relationships with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonny15 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 See that is better. You didn't ignore him in an attempt to make him do as you wanted him to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sara-pezzini Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 You obviously haven't read the book then. It doesn't say to play games, it just says to not pursue guys and to let them take the lead in the INITIAL stages of dating, therefore avoiding turning them off by coming on too strong or appearing easy and therefore taking away that initial excitement and spark of early dating. maybe it should be called rules, with exceptions, cause this is not true for every man or every woman, i pursued my BF early on, i let him know i liked him, i asked him out, i told him i loved him first, i texted him, and guess what? we are in a very serious, committed relationship for already three years now and are thinking marriage, so all "rules" have exceptions... i have never believed in rules and all that crap that people say and do nowadays, all the headgames, the mentality that if he does xy or z he is not into you and move on, next, i follow my heart and my gut and my common sense and i ended up with my great love....had i followed the rules i know for a fact i would not be with him now and i would still be single, a virgin and depressed...and he would probably still be scared to open up and trust a woman, let someone in and come close.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 I agree with the concepts in the Rules. Some of the rules are a bit extreme and I think may scare some good men away, like rarely call a man back etc. But the concepts of not pursuing men, not being too easy or too available, not overwhelming them with feelings, neediness and intensity, work especially well for Anxious women in relationships with Avoidant/Ambivalent men. The rules do not condone any kind of deception. Rather, it's about being a little bit mysterious and not overwhelming men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvstruk Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 The rules do not condone any kind of deception. Rather, it's about being a little bit mysterious and not overwhelming men. I think it is deception in that you are being disingenuous. You are playing a role by following "the rules". If I am interested in someone it would be the most attractive thing if I saw that interest returned. I am interested in her for who she is and I want to see "who she is" expressed honestly. Not expressing how you are feeling in words and actions because you are playing a role (playing games) can't help anything. work especially well for Anxious women in relationships with Avoidant/Ambivalent men But I could definitely see how "the rules" would offer some sense of control and comfort to anxious women. As I do not consider myself avoidant or ambivalent of a person I am interested in, I would prefer "the rules" were not applied to me since I view it as nothing more than game-playing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 I think it is deception in that you are being disingenuous. You are playing a role by following "the rules". If I am interested in someone it would be the most attractive thing if I saw that interest returned. I am interested in her for who she is and I want to see "who she is" expressed honestly. Not expressing how you are feeling in words and actions because you are playing a role (playing games) can't help anything. It kind of becomes a way of life. I can't even imagine chasing after men anymore. So I don't feel that I'm suppressing who I am by not asking a guy out. I naturally show my interest receptively instead of actively. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 The rules are only helpful for people who aren't attractive by being themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 The rules are only helpful for people who aren't attractive by being themselves. I think many people who are smitten have trouble "being themselves" - so guidelines that help ground/center the person during that time can be helpful so that they don't give the impression of being overly needy/clingy, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvstruk Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 I naturally show my interest receptively instead of actively. Thanks for this. I think the girl I am interested in has the same approach, which has had me confused but I think I am starting to wrap my head around it. She has probably read the book. Hopefully I can ask her someday. Or is the first rule of "The Rules" that there is no "The Rules"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonny15 Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 If a woman isn't willing to show interest, then I will not be able to know if she is interested. Men aren't mind readers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 I read "The Rules" years ago, and it sounded really deceptive to me, and it seemed like it was about snaring "a good catch". Thing is though that I couldn't say I have been overwhelmingly successful in relationships. I did read another book though which I should read again which I think was better - not deceptive or manipulative, but encouraged women to be more emotionally healthy. The title is deceptive, but it is called: "Why Men Love B's" The B doesn't actually stand for female dog but something else - I can't remember what. Still, I don't know if it's just me, but that book made me feel more pressured and more inadequate about not having a ragingly successful career. I'm just a normal woman - and I'm sure I could be happy with an average type of guy - ie I'm not Ms Perfect out to try and snare Mr Perfect. Are there any books written for normal average people who would settle for a normal average life???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 old book, old thread. And the women who wrote the book ended up divorced so not exacty an endorsement on how to find a man who was right for you and KEEP him. The book was a fad for a while, but like all fads faded out when it proved to be more about selling a book than actually being effective. it was all about manipulating and deceiving men and treating them like they were unintelligent clods or dogs on a leash. It had a few (very few) good pieces of advice to not be overanxious and leap on a man like he was your last meal when you first met him, but other than that it really was demeaning and quite sexist/anachronistic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonny15 Posted May 18, 2013 Share Posted May 18, 2013 but other than that it really was demeaning and quite sexist/anachronistic. But some women want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to be all independent, and do things themselves. Unless of course it dosen't benefit them. Then they want the man to do all the work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 But some women want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to be all independent, and do things themselves. Unless of course it dosen't benefit them. Then they want the man to do all the work. So what? So do "some men". A person who is only independent when it benefits them is not independent anyway. In my experience most adults are balanced -they act in an independent way to the best of their abilities and know when they need help from someone else. I think it's very mature to ask for help in those situations. When I was dating it would have benefited me to ask men out more often (because I didn't find it difficult and I like knowing what my plans are) but since it mine and my peers' experiences that made men uncomfortable in the initial stages of dating I stopped doing it because it did not benefit them. I found other ways to show interest so it all worked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonny15 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 So what? So do "some men". A person who is only independent when it benefits them is not independent anyway. In my experience most adults are balanced -they act in an independent way to the best of their abilities and know when they need help from someone else. I think it's very mature to ask for help in those situations. When I was dating it would have benefited me to ask men out more often (because I didn't find it difficult and I like knowing what my plans are) but since it mine and my peers' experiences that made men uncomfortable in the initial stages of dating I stopped doing it because it did not benefit them. I found other ways to show interest so it all worked out. Who are these men? Really hot guys that have all the choices? I personally don't see why a straight male would be turned off by a woman asking them out. Or think they're an easy lay either. It just doesn't make sense to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Who are these men? Really hot guys that have all the choices? I personally don't see why a straight male would be turned off by a woman asking them out. Or think they're an easy lay either. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't think it has to do with someone's looks -I think it has to do with comfort level in a kind of role reversal in dating. I hope that role reversal minimizes until it fades away so that it's just as typical for women to ask out men as the traditional way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wilyone 11 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 If a woman isn't willing to show interest, then I will not be able to know if she is interested. Men aren't mind readers. It's pretty easy to tell if a woman is interested because she'll accept dates, perhaps not all the time, but if she's going out with you she obviously likes you! If she is responsive to your physical advances, then she is also obviously interested. I mean is it really that hard? Or are you honestly more intrigued by the women who tell you how much they like you and run after you, blowing up your phone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 It's pretty easy to tell if a woman is interested because she'll accept dates, perhaps not all the time, but if she's going out with you she obviously likes you! If she is responsive to your physical advances, then she is also obviously interested. I mean is it really that hard? Or are you honestly more intrigued by the women who tell you how much they like you and run after you, blowing up your phone? I think there are many ways to show active interest other than asking someone out on a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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