Up down, all around, it's useless.. no.. I'm useless

[turnera]

You mean your boss, instead of telling you good job, told you he thinks you should be exercising? All that means to me is that he is WORRIED about you and thinks you need to be exercising to either get healthier or get out of your depression.

[startinover]

No. my father. I'm not explaining it right. He basically told me I've been nothing but lazy up until now and everything is my fault for not trying harder.

 

Id like to see him work that many hours, go through what I've been through, have no outlet, nobody who catered to his needs, have someone verbally abuse him constantly... and try harder. Bull. That would never happen.

 

All my problems are a result of trying harder. I have limits. I'm a person. I'm tired. I wonder what he'd do if I ended it one day. Is that what it would take? I wish I could pick up and leave. I hate evryone.

[doityourself]

Startin Over, How are you feeling today?

 

It sounds like you had an awesome weekend. Do you know why? Why it was so good? What was different than any other day? Can you take that and try to copy it.

 

I’m so glad you were able to resist the over-drinking. That’s a super hard thing to do, you should be proud of yourself! I wish I can be as strong as you and quit self medicating (pot) myself also. You understand that’s what you’re doing, right? When you drink or do drugs its temporary makes you forget all and makes you feel better, but the real issue is that alcohol or drug always wears off and your back to where you started if you didn’t make it worse.

 

If I could change anything in my life, it would be to stop smoking, ciggs and pot. I would keep all the abuse and everything I went through if I could just stop. Stop spending my money, my energy, my time on something that is so self destructive and worthless.

There will be many of people in your life that’s going to tell you to do this or do that, hey try this it’ll work. But you have to find your own peace (that’s what I call it) what makes you feel better, what gets you through the day, and nights.

 

I’m so happy that you’re feeling productive, nothing like a day of good work to clear the brain.

 

Why not visit your grandmother, is she the type you can talk to? I miss my Meemaw, enjoy this time you have left with her. If not there are you going to go somewhere for your vacation?

 

I wouldn’t worry so much about how people look at you. Work on yourself, get happy with yourself. It’s super hard to be in a relationship when you have issues with yourself; it’s hard to give when you’re so tired.

 

I also talk all over the place, as you see. I think that’s the anxiety that does that, makes your mind and heart race. I try to take deep breathes, focus my mind on really listening and feeling that breathe going out. Sometimes it takes a couple times to work but that’s what helps me.

 

Anyway, I hope you continue to feel better, and know that there will be times that you get so overwhelmed, just take those breathes and realize your only human.

[turnera]

He basically told me I've been nothing but lazy up until now and everything is my fault for not trying harder

What EXACTLY were his words?

[startinover]

he said "you should exercise everyday"

After I was extremely productive. I told him I could if I had normalhours everyday.he said I'm lazy and make excuses.

 

Why am I even entertaining this questioning? Everyone always pointed at me, instead of my father or sister. How come they can do no wrong? Why do they get to be hypocritical? How come they have accidents or bad things happen or important things.. While I screw up, am responsible and aren't important... My things and situations don't matter? How come he got free houses from his parents? Why did he give my sister one? Why was she allowed to not work for extended periods? Why was she allowed 4 months to recover after a surgery, and I was expected to push through with no downtime every single time?

 

Why do I have to redline when everyone else coasts? Why are my feelings not important? I hate my life.people hate me.what's the point anymore

[startinover]

I'm sorry if I'm coming off mean turnera I'm just so frustrated and want to cry. I know you're trying to help. Thank you

[doityourself]

Startin over-

 

Why are you letting everyone decide for you? Why does it mean so much to you what everyone else gets or has?

 

Worry about #1 and thats you.

[turnera]

Why? Because you're a man. And your dad was likely raised with the typical "You're a man, get over it" mentality and that's all he knows. So he uses it on you. It's all he knows.

 

He sees a son who spends a LOT of time being introspective, sad, depressed, suicidal, quiet, and angry. All 'girly' feelings-type stuff. He does NOT understand it nor does he want to. He just wants you to be like him, and stop feeling and thinking, just DOING.

 

Because you don't, he doesn't know what to do with you.

 

Your sister is a girl so she's supposed to be babied. That's what you do with girls.

 

Do you see how the way YOU see life is completely different from the way HE sees life?

 

Have you seen the show Glee? There's a gay character on there who comes out to his dad, and his dad just said "I know. I've known since you were 3." And he accepts him and loves him.

 

BUT...

 

He still wishes he had the son he expected and wanted to have. When another kid comes into his life and IS the way he would have wanted his son to be, he goes bananas, bonding with this kid. And hurts his own son's feelings no end.

 

But that doesn't make his dad bad. Just understandable.

 

IMO - and I don't know you guys, but I'm taking a stab - he doesn't know what to do with you. He just wishes you would be like him so he could understand you. But wanting that and reacting in such a way doesn't make him a bad person - just lacking in communication and social skills to be able to deal with you.

 

JMO.

[startinover]

I don't know. I guess their approval is all I've ever known but its obvious I will never get it. I need to get out of this hole. I'm trying to change that. Id love to visit my grandmother but I need to find a new job asap bc I don't want to come back to this anymore. What bothers me is that a break will be that much farther off. Maybe something part time I don't know.I really don't know which direction to go at this point.

 

Going back to your previous question, I had a nice weekend because I thought about your nice words. No one has ever said something like that to me before. Made me feel good for a bit. Thank you.

[turnera]

Come to Houston. There are TONS of jobs still available here. Good-paying jobs.

[turnera]

What does your therapist say about your need for approval and how it affects your thought pattern?

[startinover]

F

 

But that's what I've done my whole life! Verbal abuse? Keep going. Bullies? Deal with it. No one like you? * * * * it. Do what I say or I hate you, no love for you. Screaming in pain? Lazy liar. Lyme and body problems? Your problem. Finished college but your girl is gone? So what. Another one? Keep studying. Learned to alleviate bodypain? Good, work on me my back hurts. Extreme grief over a horrible circumstance and its on your conscience.. and someone else left you that you loved after you put tons of effort in? Dui? More deaths? Worked the whole time?

 

My whole life has been doing and no thinking.

 

I appreciate your input btw and you're probably right.I feel like the guy in that show, haven't seen it though. Its mindblowing that he doesn't see what I made it through and that he needs to f off and be supportive for once in his life.

 

I wasn't taught necessary life skills bc he was too busy ttrying to make me his version of an ideal son and because he was taking his pressures out on me

[startinover]

Come to Houston. There are TONS of jobs still available here. Good-paying jobs.

 

What kind of jobs? Hows the pay? What's the climate like? is houston near the gulf? I could use a change.

 

What does your therapist say about your need for approval and how it affects your thought pattern?

 

I haven't been able to afford a therapist til now. Or had time. I am close to home for work this week and next and have time off the following week. After that its up in the air. Therapy needs consistency (and money) to work which is why I never went.

[turnera]

Houston is the Energy Capital of the world. Oil & gas. We also have one of the biggest medical complexes in the world, home to Dr. DeBakey and the MD Anderson Cancer Center, considered by many to be the best in the world. And home to NASA Johnson Space Center, home to an average 80%-90% of workers that are professional grade (degreed), with about 6000 employees doing the coolest work in the world. Home to Continental Airlines (but not for long, grrr). So the pay is great as long as you have a degree. Even if you don't, it's still one of the few places where we have TONS of blue collar work, with all the oil & gas work and the Port of Houston, that pay well.

 

I just did a search of my company alone, just for Houston, and got 250 job openings. It won't go higher than that, so there are likely more. So, for the whole company worldwide, I'd imagine probably a good 1000-2000 jobs.

 

Remind me again what your degree is in?

 

Plus, the standard of living here is unreal. We have a 4700-sq-ft, 5-bedroom house that we paid around $340,000 for. In California, even after the bust, it would go for a couple million easily. Lots and lots of Hispanic labor here keeps the economy and expenses low; it was one of the least-effected cities the past two years.

 

Houston is about a 40-minute drive to the Gulf of Mexico and Galveston Island. Fourth largest city in America (I think) in population, and probably THE largest in terms of land. It's rice swamp land here - all flat except for the bayou areas, which are a tiny bit hilly. But we're one of the most 'treed' cities in the country, thanks to our just-retired mayor.

 

Winter is about a month long, and if we get 32 degree temps, it's maybe twice a year. Snows about once every 10 years. The rest of the time, from October to May, is 70-80 degrees, and June to September is 80-100.

 

All in all, it's a great choice. If you can live without hills or mountains.

[turnera]

I wasn't taught necessary life skills bc he was too busy ttrying to make me his version of an ideal son and because he was taking his pressures out on me

Here's the thing, startinover. You have a TREMENDOUS amount of anger over not getting the dad you wanted or wished for. Very understandable. But there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Except grieve over what you never got and choose to look for something ELSE in your life.

 

My husband is really negative. Our daughter is a lot like him, unfortunately. She'll come home from school and say 'my day is ruined! Johnny won't come to my party! It was such a good day til that. Now it's ruined!'

 

And I would say to her "Look. You can CHOOSE to let one thing color your view of your whole day, and you can then go to bed miserable, wishing it had never happened. But what did that accomplish? All it did was waste a perfectly good day, because you pinned the whole day's worth on whether Johnny said he'd come to your party. So in the end, you can just throw away your days by grading them on whether other people give you what you want, or you can wake up each morning and decide to LOOK for what you want and MAKE it a good day worth living. If all you do is knock down days because they aren't good enough, you'll wake up in 50 years and realize you just wasted your entire life being miserable. When you didn't have to, because you could have gone out looking for the good in everything. It's your choice.'

 

If you don't have time for therapy, at least start picking up some books or books on tape for your commute. Start with Dr Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief. Read it with your dad in mind. Learn to get beyond this grief you face. So you can look for the good in everything else. You can do this, ok? But you have to decide to make the first step.

[doityourself]

If all you do is knock down days because they aren't good enough, you'll wake up in 50 years and realize you just wasted your entire life being miserable.

 

This is so true and the most scariest thing in my life, You couldnt have said it better tunera.

 

I think me and you can take this to heart, Startin Over because for people like us its hard to see through all the disappointments in our lives, all the torture, the letdowns, the insanity of depression and the guilt to enjoy the happy things that we don't even recognize anymore because we are so caught up in the past, what we didn't get, what we missed out on.

 

I understand what your saying and I'm also a very angry resentful person but I'm finally coming to realize that life is what I make it, I cant spend all my time and energy on being unhappy instead of spending that time looking for my happiness.

 

I to agree, I have missed out on a lot. Don't wait to long. Go see a doc, if you cant afford a therapist then go see your family doc and tell him what your feeling, symptom wise and he can prescribe you something for the tense, hair pulling feeling, I have been taking my meds (wellbutrin and xanax) for around 2 weeks now and I cant tell you how much difference it has made for me. I don't feel like I want to punch someone in the face just because they were smiling.

 

I hope that you find some peace with yourself and stop living in the past and working toward for your future.

[startinover]

I'm going to send you a PM.

[startinover]

Here's the thing, startinover. You have a TREMENDOUS amount of anger over not getting the dad you wanted or wished for. Very understandable. But there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Except grieve over what you never got and choose to look for something ELSE in your life.

 

It's more than him, it's the other stuff too, but yes you're right. I carry too much anger over these things and it's bad for not only me, but others too.

 

My husband is really negative. Our daughter is a lot like him, unfortunately. She'll come home from school and say 'my day is ruined! Johnny won't come to my party! It was such a good day til that. Now it's ruined!'

 

And I would say to her "Look. You can CHOOSE to let one thing color your view of your whole day, and you can then go to bed miserable, wishing it had never happened. But what did that accomplish? All it did was waste a perfectly good day, because you pinned the whole day's worth on whether Johnny said he'd come to your party. So in the end, you can just throw away your days by grading them on whether other people give you what you want, or you can wake up each morning and decide to LOOK for what you want and MAKE it a good day worth living. If all you do is knock down days because they aren't good enough, you'll wake up in 50 years and realize you just wasted your entire life being miserable. When you didn't have to, because you could have gone out looking for the good in everything. It's your choice.'

 

Your daughter and husband are very lucky to have you. Expectations of me have been so extreme that they have crushed me. It sounds very nice to live with lower/healthier/rational levels of expectations. Try for better, but don't beat yourself up or go crazy. The sick part is that I can sort of only go with my gut. I don't know how to live that way even though I know it's better. I'm so used to the opposite. I'm used to people walking all over me. I'm used to letting it happen. I'm used to not thinking about myself or my needs. I think when your own parents don't care enough about your emotions, and only feed their own, you get a warped sense of reality. I mention both parents not because my mother isn't loving or caring, but because she enabled that behavior and never stopped it. I'm not used to peace but I'd like to be. The thought is very nice.

 

This past year has been very scary even though I've eliminated certain stressors. But I know what I've lived hasn't been working so something has to change.

 

If you don't have time for therapy, at least start picking up some books or books on tape for your commute. Start with Dr Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief. Read it with your dad in mind. Learn to get beyond this grief you face. So you can look for the good in everything else. You can do this, ok? But you have to decide to make the first step.

 

I will pick it up tomorrow either during lunch break or after work. I think you mean On Grief and Grieving, right? Because I think the Stages were meant for those dying, not for mourners, although I've never read either, we touched on them in a college psych class. I will also get back to you about the rest either a little later or tomorrow. Thank you.

 

This is so true and the most scariest thing in my life, You couldnt have said it better tunera.

 

I think me and you can take this to heart, Startin Over because for people like us its hard to see through all the disappointments in our lives, all the torture, the letdowns, the insanity of depression and the guilt to enjoy the happy things that we don't even recognize anymore because we are so caught up in the past, what we didn't get, what we missed out on.

 

I understand what your saying and I'm also a very angry resentful person but I'm finally coming to realize that life is what I make it, I cant spend all my time and energy on being unhappy instead of spending that time looking for my happiness.

 

I to agree, I have missed out on a lot. Don't wait to long. Go see a doc, if you cant afford a therapist then go see your family doc and tell him what your feeling, symptom wise and he can prescribe you something for the tense, hair pulling feeling, I have been taking my meds (wellbutrin and xanax) for around 2 weeks now and I cant tell you how much difference it has made for me. I don't feel like I want to punch someone in the face just because they were smiling.

 

I hope that you find some peace with yourself and stop living in the past and working toward for your future.

 

I definitely see that I have missed out on so much due to torment, abuse, and later on, anger, resentment, and pain associated with it. I don't want to be like that anymore which is why I spent nearly two years isolating myself (and alienating myself by freaking out, god it's so hard to describe these things accurately), plus reading and healing.

 

Three books that helped me get to this point were The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, The User's Manual for the Human Experience, and No More Mr. Nice Guy. The first one is just brutally shocking to your system when you see how these vicious cycles start and continue. All 3 were amazing for identifying my problems, explaining how I ended up in my scenarios, put a stop to the people causing my pain, and helped shape my perspective.

 

Unfortunately, none of them actually helped me with the anger or resentment, which have quite obviously made me miss out on so many wonderful life opportunities. I guess that's why I continued to come back here, because I'm still stuck (but I don't want to be).

 

I may go see a regular doctor if I don't see a therapist at some point, but I personally wouldn't take something like Xanax because I would probably end up abusing it and the last thing I want to do is end up stunting my growth again lol.

 

Hey, for the record, you don't need to be punching anyone in the face to feel better about yourself. You're really awesome just for talking and being cool to me. And if you keep it up, you'll find other people that value that a lot too!

[turnera]

I definitely see that I have missed out on so much due to torment, abuse, and later on, anger, resentment, and pain associated with it.

Here's what I see. I see you identifying yourself, DEFINING yourself, based on what was done TO you. Not what YOU have done. Do you see the likelihood of failure in that methodology?

 

Nearly every comment you make is ALL about what people did or didn't do to you. And when you do talk about yourself, you say it in terms of an accomplishment not worthy of comment. In other words, what "THEY" do is all powerful; what YOU do is negligent, not worthy of esteem. You list your accomplishments as though they were what you did in your sleep, but you list 'their' misdeeds as though they should all go to jail.

 

A psychologist can help you delineate that thinking, so that you can start the process of cutting the negative thinking out. Because as long as you preface every single thing you say with "What 'they' did to me has ruined my life," it DOES ruin your life. When you no longer give others the power over you, when you take charge and say "screw them all, this is MY life and I'll take a different path hereonout," you can start to get the life you really want. But it will never happen if you keep starting out every sentence with 'I was abused...they hated me...no one ever cared...'

 

Stop giving 'them' that much power. I promise you, THEY aren't giving you any thought at all.

[u4me]

It hurts my heart to think of anyone so tortured they would take their own life. If you left, I would miss you.

[startinover]

It's over. It really is over. Oh my god. I'm fine. I'm here. My parents love me. I fixed the important things, removed the bad ones. It's over.

 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart

[turnera]

Huh?

 

What happened? Did you talk to someone?

 

fwiw, I came here to show you link removed. It just named Houston as the #1 city in America for young professionals.

[startinover]

No. It was basically just you and doityourself hammering it into my skull lol. I dunno. Something about her kindness and your perspective just hit me. I mean I've heard it from people close to me but that rarely means anything (not that I don't appreciate it) because it's kind of like your grandmother telling you you're handsome and amazing and the best person ever. It's like okay thanks I love you too but it's expected lol.

 

The stuff about my father not knowing what to do with me, and not knowing how to communicate. The stuff about anger and resentment, but then telling me I'm living in the past, etc.

 

I DO have a lot going for me. The bad parts ARE over. I DO have people who care about me. I DO have nice things. I HAVE the ability to make moves. I've LEARNED how to maintain myself. I don't have friends I can really talk to about this type of stuff, and most of them are in relationships and not available, but I have people I'm still friends with. I've removed the stressful and toxic people. I AM a worthy partner. I'm not rich, and I absolutely need a new job, and possibly a new environment, but I CAN do that. I'm wasting my life away by focusing on the past. A past that everyone else has already moved far far beyond. Things aren't amazing, but they're certainly good!

 

I'm still thinking of a fresh start somewhere, and I'd like to make something of myself on my own. It's getting old hat here anyway. Thanks for the link, I'll check it out when I get a few minutes

[turnera]

Something about her kindness and your perspective just hit me.

Ouch! lol

 

I am SO glad to hear you talking this way.

 

What was I watching the other day, some movie, and the gist of it was that the person had never stopped thinking in their old, comfortable, negative thought patterns. It was like a slap on the forehead, when they finally realized they could have had a whole different life, if they had just done that.

 

Good luck!

[startinover]

Ouch! lol

 

I am SO glad to hear you talking this way.

 

What was I watching the other day, some movie, and the gist of it was that the person had never stopped thinking in their old, comfortable, negative thought patterns. It was like a slap on the forehead, when they finally realized they could have had a whole different life, if they had just done that.

 

Good luck!

 

Lord no! No no no, don't take it that way! If it wasn't for your directness and insight it wouldn't have clicked!!! One without the other wouldn't have worked. Plus seeing it onscreen instead of in person, on my own time rather than sitting in a clunky office, I could read it over and over, let it sink in, and not feel like there was an agenda.

 

It kinda does feel like a slap on the forehead lol. Man, I wish I sent that email today instead of the other day lol. She was cute and from the same culture. Blahh!!