Up down, all around, it's useless.. no.. I'm useless

[doityourself]

Startin over-

 

This anger your feeling, this hate for the world is not good for your health much less your mental stability. This anger will eat you up worse than the depression. I understand you want to lash out at people, you think we dont understand. We do, most of us on this site have been where you are, maybe not the exact but close enough. You can look at peoples posts and see all of the hurt, the abuse, the pain.

 

Your feelings are very important and should be to those around you. When you talk about blowing, what do you mean by that? Have you ever opened up about what happened to you? Ever tried therapy? Have you ever thought of telling your parents how they make you feel?

 

You need to release some stress some how, can you go jogging? or do something that will pyhsically wear you out so there is not so much time to think and dwell on life? Is your house dirty, clean it, slam cabinets, scrub your tub with force, jam out to some hate music. Whatever you have to do to get over this constant feeling of torture, even if its temporary.

 

And of course, keep coming on here, keep talking, keep opening up and letting some out.

[turnera]

Can I just ask you what you think you will get out of us doing nothing but virtually patting you on the back and saying there there?

 

I am in no way minimizing your pain. You have every right to your pain. I said as much.

 

But you also are not moving forward. Do you envision yourself in this miserable of a state in 10 years? Five years? One year? Of course not, that would be untenable.

 

So, I ask you, how can you NOT be in this state in one year, if not by making a decision to help yourself?

[startinover]

I can accomplish anything if my feelings are accounted for. That and a break. It's the only thing I'm really lacking. Healthy good feedback. Support. Smiles. A friend. Hugs. Phone calls. I don't know how to act around people because I've been a mess for so long. I can do things. If I can complete college, learn to be funny, work through a thousand deaths, insults, abuse, and other * * * * , learn various things after watching them happen once, gain higher understanding, put on 20 lbs of muscle when I had enough of the insults in less than 3 months, etc etc etc etc..... I can do things.

 

But I've never had anyone pat me on the back, let me breathe, and love me for who I am. I drink heavily from time to time because I suppress my needs and nobody cares. There were always outlandish requirements, assuming I ever even received them.

 

I give up. Take care.

[turnera]

startinover, there ARE people out there who will love and care for you.

 

Please get yourself to a therapist and get some help.

[doityourself]

Starting over-

 

I would give you a hug if I was there, I would say good job, you are great man that has make a success out of himself. You go to work, you pay your own bills, you have a house and food on the table. You have clothes to wear, and prob a car to drive. You should be proud of yourself.

 

What have you tried? If that didnt work try then try the complete opposite.

 

I can be poor me to, listen, I want to have friends that actually want to go do things and hang out with. I want to have extra money after bills to go do something fun with my kids. I want them to legalize pot, I want my body back before kids.

 

All Im saying is my list can go on and on. You think these things I just listed were frivious, well heres some real ones.

 

I want a day that I dont think about suicide. I want a hour where my nerves dont jump because of all the childhood trauma and stress. I want to be able to hug my boys and not feel weird about it. I want my brain to stop telling me Im a piece of Sh-t that will never be nothing. I want to have a mother that calls every now and then and tells me she loves me just as much as my 2 crackhead sisters that she babies.

 

We all have things that we want to change in our lives, its so hard to get the motivation to do handle to deal with it. Can you just make a list and start at number one? You have so much going on that its bubbling over.

 

Take a step back and think about what you need to do first, what it most important thing to take care of first? I would say yourself, go see a doctor, let him help you, its okay to need help.

[startinover]

Starting over-

 

I would give you a hug if I was there, I would say good job, you are great man that has make a success out of himself. You go to work, you pay your own bills, you have a house and food on the table. You have clothes to wear, and prob a car to drive. You should be proud of yourself.

 

 

 

I have worked since I was 13 and went to and finished school. I remember playing hooky many times to stay away from the jerks. That's around the time my grades started to drop significantly. I was an A student to that point. Past that, it was so hard to do college with underlying traumas and lyme. The lyme was to the point of excruciating pain even when I wasn't moving, it felt like someone was Indian Burning my forearms. I remember running cold water over them frequently when I'd do something simple like watch a movie. I went to countless doctors and body specialists to figure out what it was. My gf at the time suggested asking my chiropractor of all people what was happening and he suggested that I had Lyme after I wrote him a note. My general doctor completely missed it. I ended up at a specialist because my general doctor was an idiot and suggested that it was gone after a month even though I was still in immense pain. The specialist put me on horse pills for a year. I remember suffering with yeast infections for nearly a year because the antibiotics would kill all the bacteria, including necessary ones, in my body. They were incredibly painful also.

 

My grades were all over the map in college, but while I was with my gf and getting Lyme treatment, I managed to pull A's and B's for my entire last year.

 

Right before graduation, she left me. I really loved her. She had so much stress in her life, and I did too. I broke her heart, although I never meant to. The stress got to be too much. Her perspective was all off. She was a very sweet girl, so cute, and full of energy and happiness. She was like a big kid, much like me, except smart and loved animals. She was a short girl, but it's amazing how much she created for being so little lol. She made me so happy. All of my girlfriends have been similar actually. Different looks, but all pretty, and nice, and very similar in personality.

 

After Lyme, I still had tons of physical pain. I remember waking up one day not being able to move my neck because I was in so much pain. I remember getting screamed at for that. I was crying my ass off and nobody believed me. I managed to eventually get all of the issues cleared up without surgery with a a lot of precision deep tissue massage. I even learned the technique, although the money I paid is in the trash because the guy who taught it was using a legal loophole that's now closed. $15000 in the trash and my father thinks I'm a lazy failure. If I told him the truth he would probably shoot the guy. But the guy changed my life. He was one of the few people I trusted and now that trust is gone. I have used that technique to help my sister, father, and mother and plenty of other people who needed pain relief.

 

Even though it didn't fix any of the mental stuff, putting 20 lbs of muscle did a world of good for me when I did it years ago. I looked healthier, ate healthier, felt healthier. I did it in 3 months. I was eating 4500 calories a day and lifting weights 3 days a week. I went from squatting 85lbs to 255 lbs in that short time. My friend at the time was training me. He was awesome and very supportive. I kept it up, on and off for years after that. I can be physically fit, and I like to be, but my hours are too long now for me to even function, let alone do physical activity, and study, and look for jobs so that's been out of the picture for a long time. There's a full gym in our basement, that I bought and paid for over the years. Cable TV, stereo, all kinds of equipment and a nice big stretch mat. I was good looking to beginwith. I never saw that. I always thought I was ugly. Now I see it. I think a lot of people hated me because I was good looking and in shape. They didn't know how I felt on the inside, that I never saw what I had or was. Honestly, I still only care about who a person is and not what they look like (besides healthwise), but I know others see things differently.

 

I played the stockmarket once, and made $3000 out of it. I remember not telling my father about it because he would have flipped. It helped buy me my second car.

 

I bought myself a very nice (used) car with the money I've saved up over the years. People told me to sell it because it had problems, but I seeked solutions online and it's running beautifully now and is gorgeous. I also got myself a cable that connects to my computer so I can get and see failure codes, so I don't have to just take a mechanic's word for it.

 

I took a dance class last year lol. It's not for me but it was fun for a little while.

 

I will post more later

[doityourself]

Even though youve had some tough times, youve also had some times where its been good for you.

 

I understand the health thing, I went through some serious health issue just this last year and now finally feeling relief from it. There are just to many mistakes when it comes to our health from ourselves and from our doctors. So do you have to worry about the lyme disease now?

 

You sound very educated and it also sounds like your parents loved you very much even if they were hard on you. Have you ever asked your dad what kind of childhood he had, I bet you would be suprised. Maybe his father also was very hard on you, and thats all he knows.

 

I also think things happen for a reason so when you think about the past, think about why that happened. Not just that it made you unhappy, like your relationship with that girl. Do you think you would have married her, could you really see spending the rest of your life with her? Do you think you would still be together? I think you also learned some lessons from that relationship, what its like to hurt someone and be hurt by them. Thats a hard lesson but one we all learn at one time or another.

 

I hope your feeling better, keep talking.

[turnera]

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot of great stuff going for you!

 

Just want to point out:

Honestly, I still only care about who a person is and not what they look like (besides healthwise), but I know others see things differently.

I always taught my DD19 that she should not necessarily look for the good-looking guys, because they may tend to be more shallow or self-interested, as they were more likely to be favored; I told her that people who have overcome obstacles are more likely to be nicer people and, therefore, better partner material. So far, that's turned out pretty close to reality. And I know many other people who've taught their kids the same thing.

 

The whole world isn't obsessed with looks, and I know a lot more women who prefer personality and substance over looks in a guy; the other way around, I'd imagine it's less so.

 

At any rate, it sounds like you have a LOT going for you! If it's your work that's making you bottom out, and it sounds like it is, just go ahead and quit. Your health isn't worth one job. You can always find ways around not having a job, and you can always find another job. You can't get yourself into shape as easily, as you well know.

 

Take care.

[turnera]

I forgot to add that my DD19 has suffered from severe back pain off and on for over 5 years. Been to all kinds of doctors, all dismissed it as stress, etc. Finally I got the idea to go to a rheumatologist, and he came up with fibromyalgia. Oh yay, something that's non-physical but non-curable. Hang in there.

[startinover]

I forgot to add that my DD19 has suffered from severe back pain off and on for over 5 years. Been to all kinds of doctors, all dismissed it as stress, etc. Finally I got the idea to go to a rheumatologist, and he came up with fibromyalgia. Oh yay, something that's non-physical but non-curable. Hang in there.

 

Try deep tissue massag or a recent pt grad. I could be wrong but I am of the mindset that fibromyalgia doesn't exist. Not the way most doctors think it does. I can give you lots of resources from removing body pain to managing it. My friend who is a neurologist was telling me about his PTs methods, and it sounds like the newer curriculums are integrating the stuff I learned.

 

Pm me if you want to know more.

[turnera]

She just got a deep tissue massage a couple days ago; she stands at work all day and it's really killing her back. She felt worse after the massage.

 

I agree about the fibromyalgia; we told one of her other doctors what he said and he just said 'Oh, they gave you the fake diagnosis they give when there's nothing wrong with you.' I'd agree, except for the fact that she's been in pain for the last 10 years, long before she knew if she should be or not.

 

I'm going with her to her next appointment to the rheumatologist so I can get a more adult conversation out of him about what he really thinks.

 

Thanks for the offer; I'll see if I can figure out how to do it.

[startinover]

Doityourself,

 

Thank you for your kind words last week. It has been extremely hard to not lash out or hurt others after all the insanity that I've lived.

 

Logically, you're right, I've made it through some incredibly hard things and why should I give up now? Emotionally is a different story, but logic will have to prevail for now lol.

 

I kept thinking of the nice things you said over the weekend and it ended up being a nice one. I only drank a half a beer on Friday, and on Saturday I went to a housewarming. I only had 1 beer there as well. Then I went to a birthday party and only had a couple. This was over the period of many hours. Whereas normally I'd get a sickening urge to drink myself stupid, leave early and drink at home, for whatever reason, I really didn't feel that need. I ended up being a designated driver actually which was great. I didn't care that I was bored or tired at times. My sister and her boyfriend were also pushing me to talk to this girl that was there. After trying some light conversation, it didn't go anywhere so I didn't allow anyone to push me further. I didn't get furious, I just let it be mainly because I have much much more that I need to take care of, and I need to get some sort of stability in my life.

 

I've allowed too much time to go by with very little productivity. I need to work on that.

 

I have a vacation coming up in a few weeks. I can't wait for that since I will be able to catch up, at least a little. I wanted to go visit my grandmother, but I think it would be smarter to focus on cleaning up a few things in my life instead.

 

I'm pretty upset about the email I sent to this girl yesterday. A father and daughter came into my father's office a couple weeks ago and the daughter gave him her email to give to me. I guess he talked me up. Like there's anything to talk up at this time! Anyway, I highly doubt I'll receive any sort of response. As far as I know, she's got herself together and I probably sounded like a child or something. Blah. Whatever. I've been rejected before I can handle it again. And also, like I mentioned, I really need to get my life in order.

 

I'm only realizing now that my words are so all over the map because I've allowed so many things to build up, that I feel that I can't talk about, that they're still in there mixed in with things I need to handle.

 

So it's like I've got my past on my mind, the present annoying me, and the future looking bleak. But future depends on the present so I will try to stay strong.

 

I tried studying with a friend on Saturday but that went to hell because the book has tutorials that REQUIRES downloads from the internet. The files have been updated in a way that breaks practically every sample tutorial in the book so far. I'm pissed. Sooooo pissed. We pushed through it anyway but I'm confused. I have to review tonight before I make plans to see him again on Tuesday or Wednesday.

 

I exercised this morning and ordered some ecigarettes also. I'm sick of the financial and physical aspect of smoking. When I became insane after the end of the last relationship, I was drinking a small bottle of vodka daily, and smoking 3 packs a day. Plus sleeping 12 hours a day. It was nuts. I don't drink nearly as often now and I'm smoking a pack a day, which I suppose is better. But I'm realizing just how gross and nasty and expensive a habit it is, and it's only going to push most of the types of women I want away anyway so both for others, and for myself I should quit. I tried so many other methods, but this one seems good because you can still "smoke" even though it's mainly nicotine and water vapor. Still gross but much much better. Supposedly there's very little smoke too and others can't smell it.

 

I'm all over the map again and i have to get ready for, and leave for work.

 

Thank you all, especially doityourself, thank you very much. Will post more later.

[turnera]

Wow. Well, from where I sit, you sound amazingly like a great catch. JMO. All the things you've overcome, all you've accomplished, all the work you're doing to improve yourself...you gotta know that's all pretty impressive, especially to the ladies. We have a primal need to see our guy push ahead and accomplish.

 

I saw those cigarettes at the mall, pretty neat. No smell, not that much smoke. Good luck! My mom quit when she was 73, after developing emphysema so bad she couldn't walk 100 feet without having to stop and rest. But 50 years of smoking, and she just decided no more, and just quit. If she can do it, you can!

[Luna Sea]

I wasn't here when you first posted, but after reading everything, I'm so glad to hear that you're not giving up. Deal with your issues one at a time, or more if you can tackle several; I just don't want you to get overwhelmed from taking on too much at once. You have a lot going for you so keep it up!

 

Just a heads up about ecigarettes: They give you your fix 15-20min later than cigarettes because they don't contain ammonia like cigs do. A friend of mine who's using ecigs says she now has to predict when she'll get cranky from nicotine deprivation, so she can smoke it just in time for it to kick in lol.

[startinover]

Wow. Well, from where I sit, you sound amazingly like a great catch. JMO. All the things you've overcome, all you've accomplished, all the work you're doing to improve yourself...you gotta know that's all pretty impressive, especially to the ladies. We have a primal need to see our guy push ahead and accomplish.

 

I saw those cigarettes at the mall, pretty neat. No smell, not that much smoke. Good luck! My mom quit when she was 73, after developing emphysema so bad she couldn't walk 100 feet without having to stop and rest. But 50 years of smoking, and she just decided no more, and just quit. If she can do it, you can!

 

Thanks Turnera. I feel like I am a good catch also. It's frustrating because I have a hard time showing that. I come off as nervous or avoiding or eager, depending on the situation. Most women are turned off shortly thereafter. If I hang out with a girl more than a few times, typically they start to warm up to me. But that's rare because if someone isn't impressed the first time, typically you don't have a chance to meet them again. Throw in the lack of social life and it's a conundrum. Plus I'm always stressed out, it's written all over me, and I get mad or frustrated quickly and who wants that.

 

 

 

I wasn't here when you first posted, but after reading everything, I'm so glad to hear that you're not giving up. Deal with your issues one at a time, or more if you can tackle several; I just don't want you to get overwhelmed from taking on too much at once. You have a lot going for you so keep it up!

 

Just a heads up about ecigarettes: They give you your fix 15-20min later than cigarettes because they don't contain ammonia like cigs do. A friend of mine who's using ecigs says she now has to predict when she'll get cranky from nicotine deprivation, so she can smoke it just in time for it to kick in lol.

 

Thanks Luna Sea. You're totally right about taking the issues one at a time. This has been communicated to me by my last two girlfriends. Not that they actually gave a crap, because the second the focus needed to be on me, they were gone. Whatever. Everything happens for a reason.

 

I don't know why I try to do too many things at once and burn out. Maybe because I feel like I'm unworthy unless I'm busy? Maybe because I've had it drilled in my head that I need to be driven. I wish I knew. I will say that I know my limits a lot better than I used to, but I have to work on clearing my head somehow, and not getting overwhelmed. Maybe find a way to relax, or find a hobby that is relaxing. I typically play videogames when I need to unwind but I'm finding myself unfulfilled by that lately. I wish I had a hobby that was not expensive, yet still fulfilling. I'd definitely do that. I'm going to try exercising more regularly, but that's not really fun necessarily.

 

Also, thank you for the information on the ecigarette, I'll keep it in mind. That would probably have taken me awhile to figure out lol.

[Luna Sea]

How about yoga? I've never tried it myself but have heard many good things about it. It relaxes your body and mind, and so with a more rested & clear mind you can tackle real life with more positivity and probably more efficiency too. Are there any yoga people here who can say more on the subject?

[turnera]

That's why I always recommend volunteering. You're there, doing something, but it's for a good cause, you can feel more like yourself because you're doing something and not just there to meet people, so if there are any women there, you can just get to know them as friends. If it leads to more, so be it, but in the meantime, you're just being friends and being yourself. It should reduce the nervousness, etc.

[startinover]

How about yoga? I've never tried it myself but have heard many good things about it. It relaxes your body and mind, and so with a more rested & clear mind you can tackle real life with more positivity and probably more efficiency too. Are there any yoga people here who can say more on the subject?

 

I don't know how much id be into yoga but id be willing to give it a try. Anything really. Problem is my hours are so exhausting that they ruin any extra possibilities for calming or growth unless I'm at home which drives me nuts after awhile. Yoga would be possible if I got a dvd or something. Any other suggestions?

 

That's why I always recommend volunteering. You're there, doing something, but it's for a good cause, you can feel more like yourself because you're doing something and not just there to meet people, so if there are any women there, you can just get to know them as friends. If it leads to more, so be it, but in the meantime, you're just being friends and being yourself. It should reduce the nervousness, etc.

 

After the last relationship I contemplated peace corps, the army, and volunteer work but I became too unstable and the rest is history. I have nothing against it, in fact it sounds great. But I need a new job for it to happen.

 

Sometimes I work relatively nearby, but there have been plenty of occasions when I don't know where I'm headed until the night before, and it can change on a whim. Once, my boss told me to report to a distant client at 1am, 5 hours before I would have needed to get up to go there. I don't even get paid for travel. None of the workers do. But they make far more than I do so it doesn't mess them up financially like it does to me. I can't complain because I have no seniority and I haven't passed exams. I even hate my field. I'm not even sure what to look for outside of technical positions.

 

Id love to have a decent paying local job with normal hours. I want to have a life

[startinover]

Great. Lunch break is almost over and I feel a panic attack coming. only a few hours left today. have to just take some deep breaths and let it pass. ](*,)

[startinover]

I can't believe it. I just had my most productive day in a few years andafter seeing it all and congratulating me, he told me that on my long days I need to be exercising.

 

I'm furious

[sv1289]

look I understand your hurt upset scared I'm in the same boat as you! This is the 1st step reaching out for your needs. Be strong hold it together I'm willing to help!

[sv1289]

Please sumbody read my post on emotional stress

[startinover]

Furious is the wrong word. I'm taming my words like I tend to do sometimes. it hurts. How dare he? I even tell him what he's doing, sure in a mean way but what the hell. I can't even make it through a day at this point normally, I want to leave and be self sufficient and trying to make things happen again and he's still beating me down. Nobody likes me. I want a normal life but I want to end this. I can't handle this!

[startinover]

I'm breaking down please talk to me

[Luna Sea]

Who is "he"?

You can talk to me. I'm not too experienced in these things but the least I can do is to listen to you.