So my ex showed up @ my house this morning

[Daveyjones]

Awww. I'm in love! What a cute kitty.

 

And quite the drama-seeker.

 

By the way, your ex seems kinda worthless. I think you shoud read the book Uncoupling.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy, I will definitely check that book out.

[scheme00]

awesome kitty!!!

[Daveyjones]

Thanks scheme00, he is an awesome cat. And I am not even that big of a cat person! (I'm more of a dog person, but Tobias acts like a little dog sometimes haha)

 

So here is a funny little thing that happened to me yesterday. . .

 

My mom stopped by my apt. and we were just sitting in my living room having a normal conversation. I happened to be facing the window that looks out to the street and I decide look out the window at the exact same time my ex was creeping by in her car. I am 100% sure that it was her. And she even drove by a second later going in the other direction! I caught her "stalking" me! I'm sure the reason that she didn't stop by was because she saw my moms car in the drive way. Anyways, after my mom left a few minutes later, I got into my car as well and left for the day to go run some errands.

 

There is no reason for her to be driving past my house. In order to drive past my house, she would have to go out of her way to do so. There are no stores or office buildings in this area that would make her have to drive down my street. She definitely drove by on purpose. I could even see her in the car looking my way as she drove past. Hahaha. I wonder what she was up to? She was the one who left me, so shouldnt I be the one being creepy and trying to drive past her house? I don't even know where she lives now to be honest.

 

So this is making me think that maybe there is more to the situation then her just wanting to see the cat again. I always thought that there was more to it then that. But who knows, maybe she was just trying to scope out the place so she could steal the cat at a later time? Haha. If she wants to get in touch with me, she should just come out and tell me what she wants instead of beating around the bush with the cat, furniture and creeping around my apt.

 

Just thought I should share this info with all of you guys.

 

To all the women of ENA: What does it mean when she is cruising past my house when she was the one who left in the first place? This is the first time I have caught her doing this, so who knows how many times in the past she has drove by without me noticing?

 

I don't know weather to be flattered or creeped out. I guess me going NC/ NIC is starting to get to her.

[Cadence44]

I can see how it was really amusing to you to catch her in the act. That must be flattering.

 

But even if her failure of a spy mission indicates that she does want to come back, can you say that the underlying problems that led to the split have been dealt with? Has she had time on her own to get herself straightened out without relying on a man to help her?

 

Tread cautiously because it sounds to me as if 007 potentially wanting to come back to you might be because she knows that you will be there for her and she can further avoid the scary prospect of having to depend on herself to fix her own life. I don't mean to imply that she doesn't care about you, but she sounds quite immature and needy.

[Ms Darcy]

You should be creeped out. It indicates a fundamental inability to communicate.

[Daveyjones]

I can see how it was really amusing to you to catch her in the act. That must be flattering.

 

But even if her failure of a spy mission indicates that she does want to come back, can you say that the underlying problems that led to the split have been dealt with? Has she had time on her own to get herself straightened out without relying on a man to help her?

 

Tread cautiously because it sounds to me as if 007 potentially wanting to come back to you might be because she knows that you will be there for her and she can further avoid the scary prospect of having to depend on herself to fix her own life. I don't mean to imply that she doesn't care about you, but she sounds quite immature and needy.

 

Has she fixed her own problems? I am going to go out on a limb here and say probably not. I hope she has though I do care for the girl and wish only good things for her. I would not mind trying things with her again, but we would have to have a serious talk about it first.

 

You should be creeped out. It indicates a fundamental inability to communicate.

 

Agreed. Not really creeped out though, just kind of amused/ relieved that she still cares about me. (Maybe) I do miss her friendship + I hate living alone now and would not mind some company.

 

Maybe this split was what we both needed to get out life together. I am a much better off person now then I was 3 months ago. I hope that I can say the same about her.

[Ms Darcy]

. Not really creeped out though, just kind of amused/ relieved that she still cares about me. (Maybe) I do miss her friendship + I hate living alone now and would not mind some company.

 

Maybe this split was what we both needed to get out life together. I am a much better off person now then I was 3 months ago. I hope that I can say the same about her.

 

 

Yes, she definitely cares about you. But she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you at the moment. Assuming she has issues, those are not things that can be "fixed." (It drives me crazy on this site because I hear that all the time ... I've fixed my issues. Even for seemingly fixable issues like: she hated that I was unemployed, but now I have a job - the larger issue was probably concern about ambition or ability to suceed.) Issues can be addressed or worked-on, but it's a long-standing battle. You can just barely begin to address serious issues in only three months.

 

We've seen four recent reconciliations fail on this site alone and it's because the dumper never really addressed the underlying issues. Just some food for thought.

[Puckdog27]

Issues can be addressed or worked-on, but it's a long-standing battle. You can just barely begin to address serious issues in only three months.

 

We've seen four recent reconciliations fail on this site alone and it's because the dumper never really addressed the underlying issues. Just some food for thought.

 

Well said!!! Its taken me 3 years and another failed relationship since I first found this site to come to grips and make changes completely. I did better in the last relationship, but it still creeped up....BUT the best is the person I am with now is the most amazing of any of them and she deserves the person who I become the most.

 

Thats why we must take from a break up, chalk it up to life experience and learn from it and move on. Trust me, if they were the person you were supposed to be with, you would be with them. Thats what "supposed to" means.

[Radeon]

Got into this thread a little late, apparently.

But the situation with your cat sounds just like my gf's situation with her clothes. She made a conscious decision to move out of my house, leave me in another country, and go back home. She insisted that it wasnt an overnight decision and that she weighed her options. She broke up with me and we went NC for a month... Then every 20 days or so, she messages me saying "I WANT MY THINGS."

 

When I play her game for about 30 minutes or so, she breaks down and tells me how much she misses me and how much she still loves me, and that she finds comfort in me. She literally said, "I run to you for comfort."

 

I'd be her comfort if she never dumped me to see other men, but as far as I'm concerned, the lack of any sort of care or ambition in her life is their problem, not mine. Let your ex keep her issues to herself.

 

If someone has to manipulate you into talking to them again, imagine the things they'd do to you if you trusted them and never questioned their actions.

[thedude27]

Well obviously the cat and furniture are a fail safe for her. Whatever it is she wants (she wants to keep you on the hook in case, she misses you and wants you back, she wants guilt relief, she wants someone to pay her bills, etc, etc (dont read too much into my etc's lol)) the cat and furniture are fall backs for her in case you reject her. She doesnt want to put herself out there and get her ego crushed when you say no, so at the slightest hint of things going awry she falls back to "I'm really here for the cat". Its easier for her to feel things out that way rather than to "man up" and say "hey I miss you" or "Hey can I have $100". She's using it to ease into (and out of if it doesnt go well) the real converstation she wants to have.

 

Its like when you were a kid and you break up with a girl and she comes back and says "she still likes you", then you say "well I dont like you" and then she says "I dont like you either I was just joking". The cat is her way to not get rejected.

 

 

As for what she wants, I think she wants to get back with you. HOWEVER, I think she wants to do that because things arent going well in her current relationship and either she cant be alone or for some other rebound reason. Maybe it could be for a real reason in time but this smacks of desperation on her part. I would be VERY skeptical that its for security/lonlieness reasons and she will just leave again when the next guy shows up.

[Daveyjones]

I think you hit the nail right on the head.

[Daveyjones]

so the ex has been stared e-mailing me again after I have been vaguely responding to her requests to pick up furniture and see the cat.

 

Whenever I ignore her messages for a few days, she responds with something like "???? when can we talk?" That is usually when I respond back with my "sorry, I have been busy" reply. I also told her what days of the week I have off of work and that we could talk more then.

 

So today I checked my messages and there were two in my inbox from her from a few days ago. She is still talking about the damn couch and the cat. The first message talked about getting a truck so she could pick up the couch! I never told her she could have it!

 

The second message talked about how she was "so jealous" that I am going to a concert this Sunday to see Furthur (Furthur is a grateful dead cover band with actual grateful dead members) This used to be our thing, seeing this band. And Phish as well. Haha, yeah we were a hippy couple, traveling around, following bands back in our day as a couple. This show is only 45 min away from where we live, and we have been talking about going to it together since before our break up. Anyways, I am getting off topic here.

 

So, I like the fact that we are talking again, but its only about stupid things! I dont want to keep playing the vaguely friendly, distant guy anymore. I just want to have a normal conversation with her. About anything, just not about the cat and damn couch.

 

She is messaging me more and more, and I even caught her spying on me so what gives!! Is the cat and couch really her fall back in case I tell her to get lost? (Which I really don't want to do) She also mentioned something about how she is going to try to get a hold of me on Tuesday (today) to give me a little bit of money that she owes me. It's only $20 so I don't really care, but is that another way for her to try to scope out things with me? I mean what ex gf tries to get back to their ex bf to give back 20 bucks? Especially when she supposedly was the dumper. Same with the couch, if she wanted out so bad then shouldn't she go forward with out looking back? I know that if I dumped someone, I would never get a hold of them ever again for any reason. I would just move forward and say screw the couch I will just get a new one.

 

Too many mixed messaged here and its starting to drive me crazy. I was doing good when I was in NC. But now that I hear from her every few days, its making me think of her more and more and how much I miss her. AND our conversations are about nothing good.

 

If she really does want the furniture, I take that a sign she is not coming back to live with me. But why does she stalk my house and bring up a trivial 20 dollars. And why does she always tear up and give me hugs/ physical contact when she sees me? I just act like I am uninterested when this happens, but as soon a s she leaves I get a feeling like "AH HA! SHE MISSES ME!" but who really knows at this point.

 

I have not responded to her latest e-mails and do not plan to. I have a feeling that I am going to see her this week and I am just going to have to act cool again. Hopefully this time we can actually talk about something different then the cat and couch. I almost want to tell her off and tell her to go to goodwill or something is she needs a couch so bad, but I don't want to get tempers flaring since she is at least contacting me again. And flying off the handle and screaming at her does not really fit the image of a cool calm and collected guy who has moved on, right?

 

I guess my question is, since she has expressed some sort of interest again after a no contact period, how should I act now in order to maybe at least start going on dates with her again? Do I keep acting distant, busy, moved on but happy to hear from her? Or do I just tell her straight up that I miss her and see what happens? I'm starting to feel me self slip back into my hole. I always thought that I would be happy when she came around again, but she is doing a good job at keeping me confused about what she really wants.

 

My instincts tell me that there is at least some interest on her part, but I do not want to be put in the friend zone. But maybe the friend zone could lead to better things? I mean we lived together for over 3 years, and she claims that she didn't really want to leave the way she did. She claims that she still loves me and that I have changed her life forever. (in a good way) I don't know, love is a crazy messy thing. I guess my plan is to just stay distant until she says something different to me.

 

Sorry for the long rambling post. I just had to vent.

[iBroken]

Definitely do not tell her that you miss her.....otherwise, you might push her away.

 

I dont know what to suggest here - do you want her back? I think so since you are mentioning asking her to go out on dates and stuff?

 

Why not make arrangements for her to come get the couch and/or cat. Then have some casual chit chat. Then from there, see if she wants to grab a bite to eat sometime.

[Daveyjones]

That sounds like a good plan, but I really dont want to give her the couch. She left, she didnt want it when I asked her if she did want it, now she wants it back.

 

Its an issue of me not being a door mat. I am not her personal storage unit. She cant leave, do what ever she has been doing ever since she left me and then expext me to giver her the couch that she left behind and said I could keep.

 

She has always done whatever she wants, and usually I give her whatevershe wants, but like I said. I am not a door mat. I am all for casual chit chat, but I am not going to let her walk all over me.

[abitbroken]

I would be careful about telling her where you are going. If she knows where you are and when you are out of the house, she could very well break in or she could very well run into the landlord and make up a story about how she locked herself out.

 

by the way, if she always gets her way and now is acting sort of psycho, why do you want to keep the door open for dating? I wouldn't give in - I would tell her to keep the $20 she feels she owes you. For the time being I would resist her requests to stop by and keep resisting. Don't give in. If you REALLY want to be with her or see her...not until she shapes up and starts acting respectfully towards you versus trying to break you down.

 

If you want to give her the sofa, have a FRIEND deliver it to her or you say "if you really need a sofa, here's $50" and send it to her. and tell her to look in the for sale ads. But if you don't want to give it to her..don't/ I would NOT give her the cat. The cat is a living thing and she proved not to be taking care of him by just up and leaving. Also, if her cell phone is shut off, you have no proof that she can financially handle taking care of a cat. Unless she came into the relationship with the cat and had him for years before she knew you. I got the dogs when my ex and I split. He just up and left with no warning. Didn't hear from him in awhile. So the dogs became mine.

[BunnyTee]

I'd recommend an attitude of cool yet distant and mostly uninterested if you must deal with her. Be polite, but by no means congenial and/or inviting. It sounds as though you know all too well why this ex is an ex. I'd agree that she's probably looking to use you for her own ends.

25, fired from 3 jobs, no cell phone of her own? I wouldn't trust her with a box of rocks much less the cat! Remember: if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck..it's probably a duck.

[Daveyjones]

Well, so today was strange.

 

My ex showed up again at my house and this time we just talked and it was good. we made plans about the cat and things and every thing worked out. She said that she misses me and that I was her best friend.

 

She had to leave for a while to go drop some off some of the things I gave her back to her house and she actually came back a while later to hang out some more. We had made plans to go out the next day and all was good. Then she started to get a little emotional after talking about some of our mutual friends. Then my mom showed up out of no where!! She stoped by for no reason and I was horrified because my mom does not like my ex and it was awkaward. My ex started to tear up even more and said that she had to go. I was trying to ask her what was wrong. And she would not really give an answer.I asked her if she still wanted to go out tomorrow and in between her sobs she said that she would get a hold of me. I didnt want to seem clingy so I just said ok and let her go.

 

wow. just when I thought I was actually going to have a good day.

[Puckdog27]

Its an issue of me not being a door mat. I am not her personal storage unit. She cant leave, do what ever she has been doing ever since she left me and then expext me to giver her the couch that she left behind and said I could keep.

 

She has always done whatever she wants, and usually I give her whatevershe wants, but like I said. I am not a door mat. I am all for casual chit chat, but I am not going to let her walk all over me.

 

I asked her if she still wanted to go out tomorrow and in between her sobs she said that she would get a hold of me. I didnt want to seem clingy so I just said ok and let her go.

 

wow. just when I thought I was actually going to have a good day.

 

Dude.....it seems to me you are heading down the path that leads to becoming a doormat....all while trying to avoid being a doormat.

[abitbroken]

Dude.....it seems to me you are heading down the path that leads to becoming a doormat....all while trying to avoid being a doormat.

 

I agree - she seems to be manipulating you. She got her "way" by you offering to go out and making arrangements about the cat and then when something that she didn't like happened - your mom shows up - she just sobbed out of there. Now she knows you'll "worry" or you are hanging on her calling you. The other day you didn't want her to have anything, but now suddenly despite her crazy behavior you are making arrangements about the cat - I think you need to let more time pass before giving her ANYTHING that isn't a personal item of hers.

 

Also, if she lost 3 jobs - can you be sure she can take care of the cat? I would wait and see if she can actually hold down a job, etc, and if you can only communicate by facebook and she has no phone - forget it.

[Ms Darcy]

Seriously, she's lost three jobs in a short span. She doesn't seem gf worthy. Why try so hard for her?

[RobD70]

I was trying to ask her what was wrong. And she would not really give an answer.I asked her if she still wanted to go out tomorrow and in between her sobs she said that she would get a hold of me. I didnt want to seem clingy so I just said ok and let her go.

This was a slip, don't ask her personal questions or ask her out. This puts pressure on her and makes her want to run. Don't ask her any questions at all.

 

You showed too much interest so now you need to pull back like before. She has to prove herself to you and basically crawl through broken glass to earn you back. All indications show that she is desperate and is looking for you to be her safety net until she gets back on her feet. You can't trust her so try not to let your personal feelings cloud your judgment.

 

Assume she just wants to use you until she proves to you otherwise.

[Daveyjones]

Seriously, she's lost three jobs in a short span. She doesn't seem gf worthy. Why try so hard for her?

 

I wish I had a better answer for you other then I love her. We have both been through a lot together and she will always be one of those people that hold a spot in my heart for better or worse.

 

This was a slip, don't ask her personal questions or ask her out. This puts pressure on her and makes her want to run. Don't ask her any questions at all.

 

You showed too much interest so now you need to pull back like before. She has to prove herself to you and basically crawl through broken glass to earn you back. All indications show that she is desperate and is looking for you to be her safety net until she gets back on her feet. You can't trust her so try not to let your personal feelings cloud your judgment.

 

Assume she just wants to use you until she proves to you otherwise.

 

That sounds like a good plan.

 

 

She does not have the cat. She says she just wants to take him for a week here and there. Well, what happens if I start dating some one new? I'm sure she would not be happy about me sharing a cat with my ex. Haha.

 

Anyways, she got a hold me a few hours after she left my house and said that she was sorry for leaving like that. She is coming back today supposedly to bring back the rope that she used to tie the bed onto her car yesterday. It was one of my nice MT climbing ropes. She also claims that she wants to hangout either today or sometime this weekend.

 

I am still not sure what she wants, looks like just a friendship at this point in time. I am definitely going to drop back a little bit more until she proves her self to me a little further.

 

I responded to her message by telling her "Ok (about the rope.) If I am not home just leave it on the porch." Haven't heard from her yet, but that was only about a half hour ago.

 

So I guess the situation yesterday was not as disastrous as I thought. She has apologised for leaving and still wants to see me. . . or does she just want something else now. Hmmmmm.

[Ms Darcy]

Sometimes love isn't enough. Unless you are content with potentially being her sugar daddy, there is no reason to be with someone who cannot (yet) take charge of her own life professionally and financially.

 

I know that sounds unromantic, but it's a sign that she's not ready for prime time.