Ms Darcy Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 That was an excuse, because she couldnt say "Im here to see you" because she isnt there to see you, shes there to see how it effects you.... If she says she wants you, keep in mind that she seems to be at rock bottom....... you asked who doesnt have their own cell plan at 25...someone who gets fired 3 times in 3 months......shes clutching for straws right now Amen to this. Why would you want someone back who got fired three times in three months. Clearly, a failure who would bring that back into your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gullible Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Hey bro is she over there right now? I just ignored a voicemail from mine, don't leave me all alone in the land of no contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveyjones Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 So I ignored the first message and went out for a bit. When I came home I had another message from her saying "I really want to talk about Tobias (our cats name) and the furniture. Please get back to me" Looks like I was right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 So I ignored the first message and went out for a bit. When I came home I had another message from her saying "I really want to talk about Tobias (our cats name) and the furniture. Please get back to me" Looks like I was right. Its easy to mistake any contact from them as them wanting to be back, usually its just they need to know your still on the line. I'd respond "please make arrangements to pick up your furniture, provide a date and time and I will be there to let you in. You can say hi/bye to Tobias then" I understand that pets are like children, but they don't come with mandatory visitation rights like kids. Like I said, when she dumped you she dumped the cat too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bish0p2004 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Its easy to mistake any contact from them as them wanting to be back, usually its just they need to know your still on the line. I'd respond "please make arrangements to pick up your furniture, provide a date and time and I will be there to let you in. You can say hi/bye to Tobias then" I understand that pets are like children, but they don't come with mandatory visitation rights like kids. Like I said, when she dumped you she dumped the cat too I agree with this. Be as blunt with her as possible. If the cat means a lot to you, then keep it (don't use it as a means to keep her coming back to you though) and let her know that you are not comfortable with her visiting. If you don't care too much about the cat, give it to her. If she doesn't want it, keep it, but still don't let her visit just to see it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learning2relax Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 IMHO - the cat and furniture is an excuse. Plain and simple. You have evidence that the rebound may be gone - no pic, relationship status, etc.... (man how FB influences us in this day and age makes me nutso). She showed up at your DOOR this morning to see the cat?????? Really? If she missed the cat so much, as was stated previously, why did she wait 3 whole months and then coincidentally shows up in the morning before you are going to work - to see the cat??? No - it was to see you and to gauge your reaction to her. She is feeling insecure about where she is finding herself at right now. She has to finally look at the bed she made for herself and try and make heads or tails of what she was thinking when she made it. She told you that she didn't want anything else and now ALL OF A SUDDEN, she wants it back - and wants it back now - the point she has to show up about it (again - when she knows you are going to be on your way to work) and contact you about it on FB in the same day???? What has she done without it up until this point that makes it so damn important now? The answer.....Nothing! Why you say? Because she is using the cat and the furniture as excuses to have a conversation with you. She really wants a different conversation but is feeling to guilty and remorseful to be bold enough to just come right out and say it. So she uses the furniture and cat to initiate contact and start a conversation while she gauges if it is "safe" for her to veer the conversation down a different path. Again - my two cents. Take it or leave it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Why you say? Because she is using the cat and the furniture as excuses to have a conversation with you. She really wants a different conversation but is feeling to guilty and remorseful to be bold enough to just come right out and say it. So she uses the furniture and cat to initiate contact and start a conversation while she gauges if it is "safe" for her to veer the conversation down a different path. Again - my two cents. Take it or leave it. The only part I fear here is that the OP will take this as her wanting to converse about being back together. Like I said, she is at rock bottom and is looking for anything that feels secure, and he is secure. As soon as she is on her feet again, she will be flying out the door Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveyjones Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 So here is the exact message word for word she sent me last night after I ignored her the first time. "??????? i really want to talk about the furniture, Tobias, etc. please get back in touch with me" I wonder what she means by "etc". I think she is a little shocked that I am not jumping at the chance to reply back to her. That's what I would have usually done in the past. Anyways, I don't want to give her any of the furniture back because like I said earlier, she said she did not want it and I am not her personal storage unit. She claims that she had nowhere to keep it at first, but now she does a few months later. Why should I give it back? So her and who ever else she might be with can use it? Thing is though, I really don't want to get into another fight over it now that we are talking again. Plus I don't see why she needs it so bad, the furniture was given to us for free. Its not like its anything expensive or nice. I think I will just give her some vague replay about how busy I am and that we can talk about everything sometime later this week and just keep avoiding saying anything about the furniture. Hopefully she will just drop it after a while. Like what Learning2relax said, "What has she done without it up until this point that makes it so damn important now? The answer.....Nothing!" The first time she asked for it back was over a month ago and I told her no. What makes her think that things would be different this time? The last thing I want is to give her what she wants and then to have her never contact me again after that. But the cat thing is settled. He is staying with me. If she really wants to see him that badly, she can come over here even though she says it's "hard for her" to show up to my apt. It wasn't to hard for her yesterday morning!!!! I think my best bet is to stay friendly but firm. I'm not sure if she is trying to feel me out or if she is just trying to get what she wants out of me. But it is strange that after 3 weeks of NC she is coming around with this same old crap again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 "??????? i really want to talk about the furniture, Tobias, etc. please get back in touch with me" I wonder what she means by "etc". I'm not sure if she is trying to feel me out or if she is just trying to get what she wants out of me. But it is strange that after 3 weeks of NC she is coming around with this same old crap again. The etc means "I have nothing else, but this will bait your curiosity"....and it has.... Why is she coming back around again with the same old crap? Let me explain it like this....... When I was a kid, me and my buddies would fish at the rivers (Im from Pittsburgh PA, we have 3 big rivers) and we didnt care what we caught, just as long as we caught fish. Carp are scavengers that will eat about anything. They arent really edible and they dont put up a fight, but they grow to be huge. One day we learned to make a bait called cherry doughball which was pretty much a cornbread mixed with cherry jello. We caught big carp quicker than we could reel them in. After that its all we fished with. My point is, there were better fish to catch out in those waters, but cherry doughball guaranteed we'd catch a fish.......The same old crap is cherry doughball, and she is expecting you to be the fish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gullible Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 And if you've always caught fish in the same spot, you'll keep going back. It might take a few times of not catching anything before you finally give up and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveyjones Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 I liked that fish story. You are wise. Can anybody help me out with some good advice on how I should respond back to her? I don't want to fall for her cherry dough-ball trick, if that is what she is trying to do. I want to respond in a way that does not make me look overly excited that she has started coming around again. I do not want her to think of me as a door mat that she can just walk all over whenever she wants, but I also don't want to just ignore her if she is actually trying to reach out to me in a positive way. I have ignored her messages so far and I am thinking of simply responding now by saying this. . . "Sorry I haven't gotten back to you. I have been really busy lately. I should probably have some free time later on in the week." Is this a good reply? Yes? No? Its simple but does not really show her that I am that interested in talking to her again. My main goal is to really find out what she is up to without having to put to much of my self out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 I would remove the cordialness. She doesnt need to know that you are sorry, been busy etc. etc. I would ask her what it is she needs to discuss in regards to each. Does she now want the furniture? Does she think there is open visitation to the cat. etc etc. Unless you want this person back, keep it business only or she will leach on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveyjones Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 Well I want to go the "I DO want the person back" route for now, just to see if thats what she wants as well. What I dont want is to be nice to her, have her get what she wants, and then never contact me again. That would hurt. So I am just trying to see if she really does want to try again on our relationship or if she is just being selfish and trying to get what she wants out of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Well I want to go the "I DO want the person back" route for now, just to see if thats what she wants as well. What I dont want is to be nice to her, have her get what she wants, and then never contact me again. That would hurt. So I am just trying to see if she really does want to try again on our relationship or if she is just being selfish and trying to get what she wants out of me. Well....tread lightly....IMO....she is looking for a psychological band aid, but I guess it doesnt hurt to hear her out. Just know what you're risking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 Well I want to go the "I DO want the person back" route for now, just to see if thats what she wants as well. What I dont want is to be nice to her, have her get what she wants, and then never contact me again. That would hurt. So I am just trying to see if she really does want to try again on our relationship or if she is just being selfish and trying to get what she wants out of me. The psychological thing to remember is that when someone leaves you, you don't need to lay down and let them walk over you. In fact, you need to appear completely moved on - distant, vaguely friendly, and confident in yourself. If she wanted to get back with you, she would and should say something directly about it. If you are taking her coming around as wanting to get back, you are playing yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 22, 2010 Share Posted June 22, 2010 If she wanted to get back with you, she would and should say something directly about it. If you are taking her coming around as wanting to get back, you are playing yourself. We have a bingo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveyjones Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 The psychological thing to remember is that when someone leaves you, you don't need to lay down and let them walk over you. In fact, you need to appear completely moved on - distant, vaguely friendly, and confident in yourself. If she wanted to get back with you, she would and should say something directly about it. If you are taking her coming around as wanting to get back, you are playing yourself. I agree 100% - and that is what I am going for. Ever since she showed up the other day, she has been doing most of the talking and contacting. * Update * So I sent her a message responding to her request to talk about the cat, furniture (which she is not getting either of) etc. saying that "I have been super busy lately and might have some free time later on in the week." No more, no less Her reply: "its OK, i just want to get things figured out. i know that you think i just left, but i didn't want to leave the way i did. i really miss tobias dave he was my baby......... i am working weds thurs and fri till 6 what is going to work for you?" "i know that you think i just left, but i didn't want to leave the way i did." Sounds like someone may be regretting their decision now? Its funny that she thinks she left me when in actuality, yes she did leave one day but then tried to comeback later on and I basically told her to go back to where ever she came from and went LC to NC and now here we are again with her thinking of ways to get back in touch with me. I know, I know, I might be over analysing this, and I probably am, but I my instincts are telling me I might be right. Plus I know her too well. Ignore this? Let her wonder why I am not getting back to her? That sounds like the best idea to me. Like Ms Darcy said, "you need to appear completely moved on - distant, vaguely friendly, and confident in yourself." If I ever do respond to her messages, I will make sure to keep them short, simple, and to the point. Wish me luck. I'm sure I will be hearing from her again soon wondering why I am not telling her which day is going to work for me. Truthfully, none of those days work for me if we are only going to be talking about the cat and furniture BS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 i really miss tobias dave he was my baby......... "i know that you think i just left, but i didn't want to leave the way i did." Sounds like someone may be regretting their decision now? Sounds to me like she misses the cat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Sounds to me like she misses the cat Agreed. Sounds like she's trying to get back together with the cat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scheme00 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 sounds like shes upset that your mad at her and she misses the cat. I would say something short and sweet but direct like "Im not able to meet up. If your situation was different or you wanted to reconcile the relationship then there would be a possibility to sit down and talk. I gotta run, best." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 sounds like shes upset that your mad at her and she misses the cat. I would say something short and sweet but direct like "Im not able to meet up. If your situation was different or you wanted to reconcile the relationship then there would be a possibility to sit down and talk. I gotta run, best." I have to disagree with this. Really ... try to put yourself in the shoes of someone who left you. When they leave, you must know it's because they don't want you anymore for whatever reason. All you have to do is say that you are willing to either reconcile or move on ONCE. After that, not matter how cordial, it comes off beggy. She's got a love affair going on with the cat and she feels guilt about dumping him. No more no less. Bringing up the recon makes a dumper roll their eyes. Plus, it sounds like feline blackmail - either recon or no kitty visits for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 sounds like shes upset that your mad at her and she misses the cat. I would say something short and sweet but direct like "Im not able to meet up. If your situation was different or you wanted to reconcile the relationship then there would be a possibility to sit down and talk. I gotta run, best." I disagree too. Notice one thing. She said she missed the cat. She never said she misses you. Stop trying to rationalize her words meaning and actions as her wanting to come back around and take them literally, until she says other wise. An example.....her words = "I didnt leave the way I wanted to".......Her actions = "she left" What does it matter how she wanted to leave? She left. Left poor Tobias too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveyjones Posted June 24, 2010 Author Share Posted June 24, 2010 My stance on the situation is this: I am not going to take any of this as a sign that she wants to come back. Yet. I need more solid proof before I start thinking that way. But a few things concern me. First, the first week of the break up she sent a text saying "I am not even going to fight you for Tobias." Second, she never made any plans in regards to the cat in the past. She never asked how he has been or dropped off any food for him or anything like that. If Tobias is still her cat too, then I would think that she would/ should show some sort of support for him within the last 3 months. ie. helping to pay/ take care of him and checking up on him to see how he was. She has done none of that. And third, when we were in LC in the beginning of the breakup for the first couple of weeks, she never mentioned anything about the cat at all. Nothing. So why now all of a sudden it is such a big deal? Especially after I haven't contacted her in 3 weeks? I think the cat may be her only reason she has to try and contact me without actually coming out and saying "I made a mistake." But then again, I could be taking her words and actions for something they are not. But this is just like her, I never would expect her to come right out and admit her mistakes right off the bat. She would never put her self out there like that. She can be very stubborn and loves to be the one in control. My plan is to stay with NIC and just respond to her as blankly as possible until (and if) she starts to open up more about "us." I am never going to bring up our past relationship with her, Ive moved on for all she thinks, but why is she bringing it up by saying that she didn't want to leave the way she did? Its over so why bring it back up, especially if we are trying to move forward? (She stormed out after a fight, and I told her to stay away and never begged for her to come back. I even packed her stuff for her while she was out.) So who is the dumper/ dumpee here? Now that we have both had time too cool down, I think we both want to figure things out, but I am going to let her do most of the talking since she was the one who left. The truth will come out in time, but until then, I am not going to take this as a sign that she wants to come back, but as a sign that she may be experiencing some guilt/ regret. Updates to come as they roll in. Picture of Tobias, the cat that is causing all of this drama. Haha -link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveyjones Posted June 24, 2010 Author Share Posted June 24, 2010 whoops. lets try that pic again. image removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 Awww. I'm in love! What a cute kitty. And quite the drama-seeker. By the way, your ex seems kinda worthless. I think you shoud read the book Uncoupling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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