t3nder_v1ttl3s Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 The thing for me is that I find attractive women attractive. Like many others my head will turn for a pretty girl. But that’s usually it. Sometimes if I do get the chance to get to know her I won’t really like her much. Other times I’ll never get to know her and she’ll be forgotten soon after seeing her. Real attraction for me is something deeper and I can only really fall for a girl once I get to know her. Sometimes this happens with a girl others might not think of as beautiful and other times it happens with someone others think is hot. The key for me is getting to know her. So I can fall for a girl I don't have that initial physical reaction to and I have. It’s ultimately her personality and how much I enjoy being around her and how she makes me feel that attracts me to her and causes me to develop feelings. The problem with this is I either meet girls and end up in the friend zone by the time I start liking them or they get frustrated because they’re interested but I haven’t reached that point yet where I’m interested and because I haven’t made a move they move on. I don’t know what I could do about this because that is just how attraction works for me. It’s hard for me to consider dating a girl until I feel that connection with her. That takes time for me and doesn’t usually happen just from seeing her or hanging out with her one or two times regardless of how good she looks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curious_Girl Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 I guess my advice would be, and people on this board may hate this but whatever. Find a girl that likes you. A girl that treats you well and roll with the punches. Have fun flirting, getting to know women and how to date / treat a women. This will build your confidence around girls and build yourself up. I bet if it's your first girlfriend and first relationship you'll find her to be extremely attractive once you get more comfortable with her. Totally agree. It can be easier to build up to what you really want. It doesn't mean you're "using" anyone. You can just go on a date or two with women you're not super-attracted to - or at least not repelled by, lol - just to get some dating experience. I think, ultimately, you just need to get broken in, as far as dating and socializing goes. I often describe how I lost my virginity, and while my method is generally frowned upon in this forum, it led to my first relationship and took the edge off the whole dating thing. I don't know how you can, but somehow I think you have to go for broke or something. Not necessarily going to a prostitute or anything, but something where you don't have to earn a date and have it....maybe "arranged" is the word I'm thinking of, but.....well, I dunno. I actually agree with this, too. I don't know that you actually have to "hire" someone but I'm not sure that making such a big deal of your first time is productive at your age. If you were younger, I'd say yes, wait till you're really in love, etc. but it's obviously bothering you, so I'm inclined to say just do it. I know that probably isn't a popular POV, but the anxiety you're feeling is not getting better, and if you're with a woman you really like a lot, it might just get worse. Unless you are waiting till you get married - which I don't have any problem with - but that's not the case for you, I'm 98% sure! I was 20 y/o my first time and not in love with the guy. But he was a good guy, and hot!, and I have good memories. But it was not a serious relationship or anything; I just really wanted to get it over with, so to speak cuz I was getting stressed about still being a virgin (I mean, totally, I had only ever kissed before that). I have no regrets at all about it, but I know not everyone has the same mindset. It's funny but now, I would only have sex in the context of a serious relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyoshiro Ogari Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 No, you need to find someone who you are attracted to -- at least emotionally or personality-wise. It's a funny thing. Some people equate attraction only with the physical, and if that's the case, and you yourself are not attractive, then good luck. Like attracts like. Other people consider attraction to be some combination of physical and emotional/mental. That's when people can fall in love after knowing the other person for awhile. However, personally, I am very perceptive as to who a person is from the start. So I know if I'm attracted to someone emotionally/mentally early on. It's unlikely I'll "discover" who the person is after several months of knowing them. Is it possible to be attracted to someone and not be physically attracted to them? I don't think think that's possible. Their personality actually makes them physically attractive whereas they weren't before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 As far as not being attractive, I'm average looking and overweight. I'm trying to change the overweight part of it, but I can't help but think that a pretty girl would go for...a pretty guy. Plus, I'm geeky/nerdy looking, and geeks/nerds don't do well in the dating arena, unless they're a doctor or something. I dated a pretty guy once, he had pretty hair and pretty eyes. He was one of the few men I'd call beautiful. But, I don't really want pretty. It's nice. But, rough is nice too. So is burly and sharp and awkward. It's not a specific mold that you need. If you look at our society's top "beauties" that everyone seems to love, you'll see how different they are. How some men just love Angelina Jolie and others don't bat an eye at her but want a Halle or a Sandra. All these women look completely different. Different facial structures, skin tones, measurements, personalities, energies. Yet, they are all considered high beauties. Same for men. What does a saddening yet intellectual like Adrien Brody have in common with the square jawed Brad Pitt or the fierce-browed and scowling Di'Caprio? You just have to find what works for you. And, that takes a lot of practice. LBS, you have your ups and downs. I really feel for you and hope that things get better. It's a hard process. But, stick to your guns and please keep working on yourself. I hope you find some good results soon in what you want. Best of wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Is it possible to be attracted to someone and not be physically attracted to them? I don't think think that's possible. Their personality actually makes them physically attractive whereas they weren't before. I think it is. I have met wonderful guys that I could never date. It clicks mentally but not physically. It's not even their looks either. It's just a lack of chemistry. Most of the time, the mental attraction influences and causes the physical attraction. But, not every time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organs Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 By the way, geeks are doing better these days than you think. Trust me. There are girls who go nuts for guys in thick framed glasses and...other geeky traits. There are girls who love shy guys, too, and geeky shy guys are a huge plus for some women. Other than that, whatever help you can get, consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanutbutterandjelly Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 i love geeky shy guys. some of them i love skinny and awkward. others i love pudgy and huggable. introverts are a plus i've always gone for the geeky guys though and all of a sudden it's cool to be that way. browse the guys in brooklyn on okcupid if you dont believe me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanutbutterandjelly Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 as for glasses... the thicker, the bigger frames, the better... soooo hot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celadon Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Is it possible to be attracted to someone and not be physically attracted to them? I don't think think that's possible. Their personality actually makes them physically attractive whereas they weren't before. I do think someone can become *more* physically appealing once you are attracted to their personality. But I think one can't go from not attracted physically at all to attracted physically. For example, if you find someone unattractive because they are grossly overweight or have weird eyes, then it's just not something you can get over. (Seriously, there's a guy I know and he's got really thick lashes but instead of it making him attractive they make his eyes scary.) I suppose you could end up finding part of a person attractive, like his/her face or something. IOW, the whole package doesn't have to be attractive for you to find the person physically attractive in some way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EQIQ Posted June 21, 2010 Share Posted June 21, 2010 Where in Canada? Was that question directed at me lol? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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