If you're not attractive, should you settle so you're not alone?

[Capricorn3]

i dated my wife as friends 30 years ago and we happily married now. sometimes looks over come what the person is really like.i never concidered her as a potential wife and the mother to my children but after a few months of just being friends,i realised what a great person she was and .... well the rest is history went on to have 3 great sons and now they left home we still as much in love as then . so the answer to your question is yes know the person not the face g/l

My story is almost identical to the above. I dated my husband when I wasn't attracted to him at all and would never have believed in a million years that I'd ever marry him ...... and now we've been married longer than you're alive, lol.

[Wayfara]

If you're not attractive, should you settle so you're not alone?

 

I mean, date people that you're not attracted to, just so that you're not alone?

 

I'm not exactly sure what you mean. But if you're asking if you should date people you're not attracted to to broaden your range, hoping attraction will grow after a couple of dates, I've no answer for that, sometimes it works. I don't do it because without attraction as guideline it would difficult to select which ones I should get to know better, so I concentrate on the ones I'm attracted to (but I wouldn't be against getting know someone more after attraction already have popped out if we started out as friends).

 

If you mean settling down with someone you're not attracted just not be alone my answer is definitely no. I think settling for someone you aren't attracted to kind of defeats the purpose of having a relationship in the first place. Why have a relationship with someone you don't want a relationship with? There are other means to fix loneliness and sexual frustration than specifically having a relationship. If you want a genuine romantic connection you won't get that from someone you aren't attracted to anyway, I don't think a romantic connection can exist without some kind of attraction. Having a relationship for the sake of having a relationship is pointless, it's the connection between the persons involved that gives the relationship value. We shouldn't use people as means to get a relationship, it's the other way around, a relationship should be the means to get the person we want. We should want a relationship because we want the person, not wanting the person so we can get a relationship. If a relationship had a value by its own, regardless if we felt any love, connection or attraction for our partner, we could just go to elder care and try to trick someone with Alzheimer that they are in relationship with us.

[meteorstrike]

I got a cat.

[LightbulbSun]

As far as not being attractive, I'm average looking and overweight. I'm trying to change the overweight part of it, but I can't help but think that a pretty girl would go for...a pretty guy.

 

Plus, I'm geeky/nerdy looking, and geeks/nerds don't do well in the dating arena, unless they're a doctor or something.

[LightbulbSun]

This is all negative thinking, once again, and my therapist has told me to stop doing that.

 

I dunno, maybe it's a bad idea to focus on dating issues right now. I'm interested in this girl, but if I'm not ready to date, I'm not ready to date.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The answer can only be....if you want to. Would you want someone to settle for you that didn't really want you? If you could live with that and think it is best, do it. Otherwise be proactive.

[MD Geist]

Would you want to invest the time and money into a house or car you don't like very much?

 

I sure wouldn't and the same could be said about a person you do not want to date. Its forcing it to happen, id much rather be alone than go out with someone i'm not interested in. Two girls I met on POF where attractive but the reason why I never dated them was their personalities where terrible.

 

I can be alone.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

I also find it amusing that the advice given to people in our situation is that we need to stop sending up "desperate vibes." Who's desperate?! Been involuntarily single/celibate for way too long to be much of anything except hopeful! The most I can be accused of is wishful thinking.

 

And the idea that "guys can smell desperate." Really? Funny how they can't sniff out "crazy," "manipulative," "controlling," "demanding," "helpless, "self-absorbed," or just plain "mean" until they've already been through the meat grinder. Weird how that works, isn't it? Maybe they should do a study on it.

 

 

a guy will take out/ sleep with a pretty, desperate chick no problem. I see it happen all the time. The girl throws herself at the guy and he is ecstatic. Yet if an ugly girl does it, he is absolutely discusted. It's not the oozing of desperation that's the issue.

[LightbulbSun]

a guy will take out/ sleep with a pretty, desperate chick no problem. I see it happen all the time. The girl throws herself at the guy and he is ecstatic. Yet if an ugly girl does it, he is absolutely discusted. It's not the oozing of desperation that's the issue.

 

That hasn't been my problem. I've had some really pretty girls throw themselves at me over the years, and I always freeze up. I guess because I feel like I don't deserve them.

 

It's the ugly girls that I feel more comfortable around, yet if I find them ugly should I date them if I'm not attracted to them?

 

I am perpetually screwed up.

[Hermes]

As far as not being attractive, I'm average looking and overweight.

 

You and 95% of the population, LightBulb. Don't beat yourself up.

 

H

[Hermes]

Now, the next bit:

 

the ugly girls

 

Describe an ugly girl for me...

 

H

[LightbulbSun]

Now, the next bit:

 

 

 

Describe an ugly girl for me...

 

H

 

Maybe not ugly, per se, but someone I find unattractive. I don't know how to describe it other than that.

[testcase]

Ah what the heck I'll jump on this thread. I haven't read much of the in between post yea when I first started dating in high school / middle school... I was dating a few girls who I wasn't that attracted to. I guess they were attracted to me and we had a lot of fun. I was a lot heavier in high school so I suppose I didn't feel nearly as attractive as I do now, so I didn't mind dating girls who weren't as conventionally attractive.

 

It was fun I got my experience with women and now I'm dating some of the most gorgeous girls I could imagine. It's funny I see some of my friends who haven't had much luck with the ladies and I'm like why not just date some girls, have fun and get experience. If your waiting for the perfect women, or man, you're going to be waiting forever.

 

I guess my advice would be, and people on this board may hate this but whatever. Find a girl that likes you. A girl that treats you well and roll with the punches. Have fun flirting, getting to know women and how to date / treat a women. This will build your confidence around girls and build yourself up. I bet if it's your first girlfriend and first relationship you'll find her to be extremely attractive once you get more comfortable with her.

[Sparkly Eyes]

you're telling him to have fun with the ugly girl and then leave her for the pretty ones?

[EQIQ]

i dont know. the two guys ive had a relationship with loved how i look, or so they said. now im getting older and i think im gonna have to settle for just about anyone at this point because im basically throwing myself at people and no one will even ask me on a date. hell id probably let someone hook up with me just to get some attention from a man, but no one wants to even do that. no one even tries to get sex from me on online dating sites. i would basically go on a date with any guy that asked me at this point, but I can't even get anyone, nevermind my "type". i dont even know how my ex was attracted to me. it must have been a fluke.

 

Picture and location requested lol j/k.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

haha, well im not in canada, that's all you need to know

[Sparkly Eyes]

Where in Canada?

[LightbulbSun]

Well, for example, I'm interested in this girl at church. I find her really pretty, and she seems interested in me...yet I feel like, again, I don't deserve her because I'm unattractive.

 

I know underneath it all I'm really not, I've been told by attractive girls that I'm 'cute', and even been called sexy. So it's not me...yet it is me. I don't know what other people see, but obviously I don't see it or feel it.

[Fudgie]

I have the belief that there is no one out there who is "unattractive". Everyone has SOMETHING, even if it's just one thing, about them that can be considered attractive to someone else, maybe not everyone, but someone.

 

Don't forget too that personal attributes and personality is really the key thing. If you are lacking in those, it doesn't matter how attractive you are, the relationship probably won't last. And you know...if really just dress to your body type and keep yourself clean, really, it's fine. Girls aren't as picky when it comes to looks anyway.

 

I have a feeling that you probably look a lot better than you think you do! (judging by what the other girls said). You're your own worst critic you know.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i agree, if an attractive girl is even talking to you, there must be something she likes about you... even if you can't see it.

[LightbulbSun]

Thanks.

 

I guess I'm just my own worst critic. Even my therapist has said that I'm my own worst enemy.

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

maybe. Although i dont know how the online guys can tell that im desperate when they won't even talk to me. Unless they automaticallu assume that I'm desperate because I'm the one that's sending out the first email because apparently women are getting dozens of emails a day and only the ugly ones have time to look at guys profiles and send initial messages. i might be oozing desperation in real life. But i see other girls do what i do and guys just consider it flirting and flirt back. i was a positive fun person until about 15 guys rejected me in the past month or so. now I am basically willing to have sex with anyone and no one will even come near me.

 

I understand how you feel and believe me guys feel the same way sometimes. I know that I have been tempted as of late to just get out there and start sleeping with whoever will do it with me. Part of it is a need for intimacy that I’m severely lacking in my life and part of it is the desire to feel wanted by somebody, anybody. I feel like my confidence needs a swift kick after some of my experiences as of late and have wondered if just jumping in the sack would give it to me.

 

But it’s really not who I am. I’ve never been the kind of guy to just sleep with someone just because I can. I like to have feelings for them and take the time to believe at least that they share those feelings for me. Otherwise it’s a very cheap experience that I know I will end up regretting in the end. That’s just me.

 

But it does come off as desperate. Desperation is not a good vibe because no one wants to feel like you’re just getting with them because they’re there. In a relationship you want to feel chosen by the other person. You want to feel like they wanted you above all the other choices they had not that they felt they had no other choices.

 

I’ve been told I’m a good catch and that I’m attractive. Many of these comments come from friends and family. I’ve had some lady friends call me handsome from time to time. I get flirted with but it always seems to be by girls who aren’t seriously interested or at least they won’t admit to being interested which I would assume is because they aren’t. But when it comes to a real relationship with love and devotion I can’t seem to find anyone who thinks I’m suitable for whatever reason and that is really what I want.

 

I always say to myself if I’m such a great catch and I’m so handsome then where are all the girls who should be throwing themselves at me and offering themselves to me? Hard to believe you’re good looking if no one thinks enough of you to even try and get your attention other than women who are using you to boost their own egos but want nothing serious to do with you beyond the ego boost. I understand how it feels to think that someone even wanting sex with you would be considered a step up from not feeling wanted at all.

 

If my advice is worth anything I’d say take it easy. Flirt but don’t come on too strong. A guy wants to know you want it but not like you’re desperate for it even if you are. From what I gather girls feel the same way about guys.

[Organs]

I think you should at least date the girls. Doesn't mean you're settling. It just means you're meeting them in person.

 

You might be surprised. You might find you're more attracted to a girl than at first you realized.

 

I used to absolutely require that a girl be thin, and yet I've seen many curvy girls that turn my head. I used to not be attracted to black girls and now I don't care about their skin color.

 

You don't have to hold out for a supermodel, but you don't have to settle for someone to whom you're not even attracted.

 

I think, ultimately, you just need to get broken in, as far as dating and socializing goes. I often describe how I lost my virginity, and while my method is generally frowned upon in this forum, it led to my first relationship and took the edge off the whole dating thing.

 

I don't know how you can, but somehow I think you have to go for broke or something. Not necessarily going to a prostitute or anything, but something where you don't have to earn a date and have it....maybe "arranged" is the word I'm thinking of, but.....well, I dunno.

 

Maybe you just need to be more active in your community? Community support classes, volunteering, take a dance or cooking classes....

 

Personally, I think if your self esteem is that bad, you're at your mid-20s or older, and you're still bummed about being sexually inexperienced, you need a helping hand. It's like, if you're just mildly annoyed about your relationship inexperience and you're in your early 20s, it's like hopping a gap that's four or five feet accross. And the older and more frustrating it is, the bigger the gap is. In your case, I'd say the gap is about ten feet. So you need a proverbial bridge or stepping stone so you can make it accross the gap, metaphorically speaking.

[Celadon]

This thread is interesting in that some people say they won't date anyone they're not attracted to, while others say that attraction can grow once you get to know someone.

 

It raises the whole issue of persistence, and the question of when is persistence appropriate. Or with whom it is appropriate. If you pursue or hope on someone who is not attracted to you, you may wasting your time. Or ... you might be successful in the end.

 

I wonder how often it is that someone who thinks they're not attracted to you will change their mind?

[Go Habs Go]

You shouldn't settle, regardless of what you look like. Settling for a relationship is doomed for failure.