mrshuma Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Kia-Kaha: after we broke up I did the usual begging and pleading then after a couple of days I clearly told her I couldn't take being friends and talking on the phone. I wanted to work on our relationship but she wanted her space so I told her not to contact me under any circumstance unless she wanted to talk about us reconciling and that's IF I would even take her back. I told her that she hurt me very bad and that I never expected this from her after 7 years so she is going to have to fight to get me back. I've been NC for 19 days and she has only sent me 1 email asking about a password to a router (which I didn't respond). She didn't like the idea that I was doing NC but that's because she wanted it to be easier for herself if she could still have a part of me in her life. The bottom line is, even though I haven't moved on I'm not going to respond under any circumstance because I haven't seen one instant on these boards where breaking contact because the SO misses you or gives you breadcrumbs ends up working out anyway. I'm sure she cares about you and misses you but that's not enough to go back. She has put up a wall but its still very early (you haven't gone NC for very long). I have read in certain instances that it can take the dumper up to 3 months to realize how life is without you and to wonder about the relationship. You are going to continue to hurt yourself if you keep taking her phonecalls if its not for the reasons you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrshuma Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 The best thing to do is call a friend you haven't talked to in awhile, hang out, go out for a drink, exercise, start a hobby, read a book anything to get your mind off things. For the first week or so I couldn't even get out of bed, but then it got better and you will see that time passes much quicker. I'm not saying I have moved on and there isn't any closure, but I'm giving her at least a couple of months to come around. If she doesn't contact me then I have my answer and at that time I will know what has to be done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 I really appreciate you spending your time responding to me and also for being so gentle with my broken heart. I am starting to definitely see how NC may be beneficial. If nothing else, she may start to miss me and start to forget about the person who has been begging and pleading for her to work on this with me. She knows I am open to that, I don't need to keep bringing it up. LC was not helping me in regards to either moving on or moving forward. I guess that only leaves one option. I hope I am strong enough when she does try to make contact to stick to my guns and only talk if she wants to discuss the relationship. I hope she doesn't catch me in a moment of weakness where I would just give anything to talk to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrshuma Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Kia-Kaha: exactly, you just admitted that LC wasn't working and its almost as though those 7 weeks didn't really get you anywhere. She is going to miss you and when you aren't having your 2x a week chats its going to have her wonder whether you have moved on or not. It will get her thinking and if she really is serious she will get back to you to talk about your relationship. If she doesn't come back then you have your answer and she was never serious about working things out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrshuma Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Kia-Kaha, hang tough man, I know how hard NC is and almost every day there is a point where I want to break, but I realize that if I do want her back I have to respect myself and better myself. If she comes around and I have improved as a person it will only help our reconciliation as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 Kia-Kaha, hang tough man, I know how hard NC is and almost every day there is a point where I want to break, but I realize that if I do want her back I have to respect myself and better myself. If she comes around and I have improved as a person it will only help our reconciliation as well. Thanks man. I do need to hang tough. I know that she will be thinking of me tonight, and I am sure announcing NC has been driving her crazy all day thinking of me. It's like when someone tells you to not think of an elephant, that's all you want to think about. I want to thank everyone that has been here for me today. I have had a really crazy, messed up day and I think everyone realised how desperate and crazy I was, and really rallied together to help make me feel better about everything. I hope to one day be able to do that for someone else on here too. I am sorry that you are hurting too MrShuma, and I hope for the best for you (whatever that turns out to be). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulod Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Hey Kia, Read through your new posts from last night, man your situation mirrors my own!!! was still in contact with my ex for about 5-6 weeks after the breakup, I still have her txt from start of march saying that she still loves me, has trust issues with me due to me being a clingy,drunken idiot and that she's bitter at things that happened in the past. We both tried to fix our problems whilst we were together, and we both did have problems, but we just seemed to push them aside ...which was fine until one or both of us got drunk or had a fight, then all those issues, resentment, hurt feelings came to the surface and it kicked off big time!!! last time we did that was at my works christmas party, something broke inside of both of us that night I'm sad to say and we couldn't continue. Mate, going NC is to help you heal, you'll be able to sort out your own issues and become a stronger, better person, your ex isn't going to forget you trust me!! my ex is in a right mood with me at the moment due to overhearing me say to a friend that Id gone out to a party and had a girl take a liking to me ( I wasn't interested as still got ex in my head) and that I seem to be attracting women now that I'm healing and becoming the old me again ( it's nice for an ego boost but that's all) point of me saying that is...it's been 4 months since she broke up with me, and judging by the way she reacted she's no way forgotten about me, and I'm sure your ex will be the same. MrShuma is right, you need to respect and better yourself, become the person you should be, not the person you are at the moment, people will start to see the difference in time trust me!! I get positive comments all the time now about how well I'm looking,doing, how unstressed I look etc. 3 months ago I didn't think that was going to be possible! time and patience is the key mate!!! and it is hard! very hard to let go of the one you love! I miss my ex every day, but I can't think with my heart, got to think with my head for now. keep occupied, hang out with your mates, re-connect with some old friends. It does work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 Hi Paulod, NC is seriously the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a total mess. It is only just the start of day 2, and I have never, ever felt this bad before in my life. I want nothing more that for her to call me. I just want to hear her voice again. I want to stop crying. It feels like I have been crying for 24 hours straight. She says that breaking up with me is the hardest thing she has ever had to do, and now this is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done, so I keep wondering why we are both putting ourselves through hell rather than sorting it out? I know that I have to stay strong, and that she knows that I am here when she is ready to discuss our issues. I am just having serious doubts as to whether she will ever make that call. Thanks everyone for letting me know I am doing the right thing. Please continue to help me with this as this is the hardest thing I have ever done and it has only been 24 hours! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 Day two starts badly... I have serious doubts as to whether my ex will ever come around and try to work on this with me, I am thinking she is just going to walk away and be thinking that "it just didn't work". This makes me very sad and makes me wonder whether I should call and just let her know that I still want to be friends. Having her in my life somehow is better than not knowing her at all. Maybe I should just leave and go back home where I have family support. Maybe this really was not meant to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cadence44 Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Don't do it man. The conflicting messages that you tell yourself are a given at the beginning stages. You're going to find your emotions and coping mechanisms are going to be all over the map. The key is to never act on impulse. Always give it a few days before you do anything. You'll usually find that by that time that your outlook will have shifted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 Thanks Cadence. I am really mixed up which makes me realise that I am not ready to even talk to her. But I feel mixed up because I am not talking to her. Does that make sense? I hope you guys are not getting annoyed with me... I have so much to process and so many feelings going crazy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cm17 Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear the pain you're feeling! If you were with your ex for over 3 years it must be so hard not communicating. But even just a week of not talking can help to clarify some things, even if its just about yourself... The first week of nc with my ex I made sure to focus as much as I could on my friends and go to the gym. It really helped. Its like a bad hump to get over then its easier, right now it must feel so abnormal not talking to her. In a couple of weeks it won't be so bad. Others have said this, she won't forget about you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 We have tried NC once before (when we were having previous problems) at her request but she didn't even make it through the first week before crumbling. I know that what I am doing is right because of how all over the place I am right now, my mood literally shifts hour by hour between coping and falling apart. I know she won't forget about me in a few weeks, but I am scared that the few weeks will allow her to decide to move on from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 i want to make sure I am maximising my chances of her agreeing to try again with me in the future, because I want to marry her and have a beautiful life with her. It has taken me my lifetime to find her, I don't want to lose her now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cadence44 Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Thanks Cadence. I am really mixed up which makes me realise that I am not ready to even talk to her. But I feel mixed up because I am not talking to her. Does that make sense? I hope you guys are not getting annoyed with me... No, no one's getting annoyed with you. Posting things like this is why the forum exists. I think people only get annoyed when someone comes here for advice and people repeatedly give that person good advice, but it's never incorporated. I'm really glad you see what a rollercoaster you're on right now. Don't be scared to let her go for the time being. If what you have is real, she's absolutely not going to forget about you any time soon. Sometimes people don't appreciate someone until it occurs to them that the other person isn't an absolute. What your absence is going to do is make her think. That's usually going to work to your advantage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 14, 2010 Author Share Posted June 14, 2010 Don't be scared to let her go for the time being. If what you have is real, she's absolutely not going to forget about you any time soon. Sometimes people don't appreciate someone until it occurs to them that the other person isn't an absolute. What your absence is going to do is make her think. That's usually going to work to your advantage. This is what I am scared of though. She broke up with me because she felt that she didn't feel the way that she wanted to and was not "in love" with me. She was looking for someone to marry etc, and I am not sure I was being that man for her. I want to be that man for her, and I am scared disappearing is making it easier to get over me. But I will not contact her (I promise). After all it has only been 1 and a bit days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulod Posted June 14, 2010 Share Posted June 14, 2010 Hey Kia, It is and probably will be the hardest thing you will do...but it will make you stronger!! even now I get down about things, wonder if we could have sorted stuff out without splitting up....I still don't get why she dumped me? I have theories but just don't know, have no idea if she misses me or wants to be with me again in the future, no matter how close we were....will it work out with her in the end?? wont it?? that's part of the rollercoaster you are on! You are going to be mixed up for a while, its natural mate! Cadence is right, let her go, let her go for as long as it takes...you both need space and time to work on yourselves without stressing each other out, you need to try and occupy your time doing things you enjoy...it helps you become you again. And no one is getting annoyed with you...hell look at my posts..most of them are me saying how much I miss and love my ex, how much I want to be with her, how guilty I feel about getting on with my life without her...the rest are about me healing and becoming me again! and that's only recently!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 Thanks everyone. The first few weeks of our breakup, I felt totally alone and lost. I was trying so hard to reach out to anyone who would listen, and posted thread upon thread on here trying to get people to help me. I really appreciate all the advice and the help and support you have all given me, NC is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I never wanted to walk away from her, I am not that kind of man. I was taught that you must fight for it if you feel it is worth fighting for and that any problem has a solution. NC feels like the opposite of everything my parents' taught me, and so feels very difficult for me. As time passes though I am sure that everything will become more clear to me. My path will become more obvious and I hope that this time apart will bring my ex back to me. But I also know that this time is for me to work on me for me. I am feeding on each of your words, so please continue to give advice as you see fit. Much love, Kia Kaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulod Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Am with you all the way mate, I was taught the same which is why doing this feels so wrong but yet is right??? just had another depressing time tonight, been building up for a while!...had to post it on here...people 24/7 will help you no matter what, whether you want to hear it or not they will give you great advice much love to these guys, they really are the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 Am with you all the way mate, I was taught the same which is why doing this feels so wrong but yet is right??? just had another depressing time tonight, been building up for a while Paulod, are you ok? What happened? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulod Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 Ahhh just being an idiot....as I said one of previous posts, my ex overheard about me going out to a party and that woman were now somehow finding me attractive? I honestly didn't know she was there, if I did I'd have said nothing and nothing happened at that party..attention was nice after so long but that's it, to be honest I only want attention form one woman, but it's not going to happen anytime soon!...so she heard,I got the dirtiest look off my ex, then she just ignored me...makes me sad that she now thinks that I am just a player when I'm not, I know we're split up but I want to be with her, am not interested in anyone else and don't want to be with anyone else, she cant or wont see it! but I have to move on for my own welfare Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 Paulod, I am sure she was just hurt. I don't think she thinks you are a player or anything like that, but was probably just hurt and surprised because she may have felt that meant you were moving on from her. I am sure our ex's break the relationship before they can move on from us, so they are going through a breakup too. I am sure you would have been hurt too if you overheard her say that. But at the same time, her being hurt is HER problem. Sorry that sounds harsh but she has the opportunity at any time to start to reconcile with you. You sound like a really caring person and I am sure she knows that better than I do. Maybe ask your mutual friend that you were talking to if he/she could smooth things over for you (if you trust them enough to not screw things up for you). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulod Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 ha if only she new the truth eh!!! I'm no player and I'm not really moving on! just want to settle down with her! yeah from what I get from the little snippets from my friends that maybe all is not well with her, she seems to be over compensating on just how happy she is?? unless life really is that brilliant?? I'm hurt that she's hurt?? and yeah I would be in bits knowing she had a good time with another guy but what do I do??? be the guy I was...or become me again??? her dumping me is allowing me to be the guy I was....although I'm going out and having fun, I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't want to sleep with another woman She's to stubborn to ever admit she could be wrong in case it's taken as a sign of weakness...she doesn't need a man apparently??? she's got this brick wall built up! she's bloody scared of true commitment in case she gets hurt! that's her problem! Am going to put the feelers out subtly...see how she feels, what you reckon?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kia-Kaha Posted June 15, 2010 Author Share Posted June 15, 2010 yeah from what I get from the little snippets from my friends that maybe all is not well with her, she seems to be over compensating on just how happy she is?? unless life really is that brilliant?? Something I found out a long time ago is that friends will kinda tell you what you want to hear. They don't want to be the one to tell you something horrible, even if it is true. Also you have to be careful that they are not clouding your judgement with their own biases. It's like when you watch American Idol or Britian's Got Talent and think "why did noone tell this person they can't sing, and let them embarrass themselves on international television? Also, your friends only know what she has told them. Maybe they saw her on a great day (or a terrible day), or maybe they saw her in a situation where she was just trying to put on a happy face to not ruin the occasion. Lately, I have tried to come to peace with the idea that only she knows how she feels. I try hard not to put my friends in the middle of us because it's just not fair on them. Am going to put the feelers out subtly...see how she feels, what you reckon?? I am sorry, I don't think I can give you advice on this. I am still too close to the problem and feeling too romantic about it all. I have been getting great advice from people on here, maybe someone else can help??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulod Posted June 15, 2010 Share Posted June 15, 2010 hmmm I did think of that, but when I've got 3 of of my mates at work telling me that she is in their face saying how good life is???they really don't want anything to do with it if life is so good, why advertise?? and if it was so good why be peeed off with me for moving on??? You got to wonder! and one of my mates she never used to speak to as she thought he was a gossip and never liked him!?? now all smiles? I don't put my mates in the middle, I really just say how it is, if I'm feeling low..or good they know, I'll speak about how I am, how I'm feeling, it's the way I am i guess my heart is on my sleeve always! Yeah I know, only she knows how she feels, and only she can say yes or no, can't force it, just gotta keep doing what we're doing mate...look after ourselves...thats the priority! sorry for springing that on you, was wrong of me, will put the feelers out and will see...nothing to lose.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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