Anyone still holding on to the possibility of reconciliation 2+ years after divorce?

[floridagirlal]

I have been divorced for 2+ years (since April 08) and my ex husband WILL NOT let go and move on. Everytime we speak he tells me that he loves me, misses me, and will wait until I come to my senses and make a good decision. He tells me that he doesn't respect the decisions that I've made but he will wait for me. Sometimes he's gentle about it and other times he's mean and angry about it but the message is always the same.

 

I didn't enter into the decision to divorce lightly. This was a thought (and efforts at reconciliation even AFTER the divorce) for many months and probably even years. I made the decision based on the situation that I had in front of me and filed for divorce. He obviously thinks that we could somehow work things out and be a happy family again. He says that it doesn't matter what I've done, he will forgive me for everything. What he doesnt' understand is that I'm not seeking his forgiveness!! I haven't done anything AGAINST him!

 

Is anyone else holding on and hoping for reconciliation?

[maddyfaye]

I was up until recently after she left me in Oct of 2008. ( 14 year marriage) I just don't understand how the memories don't mean anything to her. I am seeing someone now and my daughter met her last weekend and really likes her. This will likely get back to the ex but she is happy with someone else. I learned from my mistakes and now look at the glass half full more. ( Many women I have yet to meet and am very capable of making happy) I do miss sharing my life with my ex and being able to talk to her about memories we shared with our daughter. Do you think this matters to her? She is keeping contact strictly by email about our daughter. She so used to crave my conversation and it would seem I have proven longevity.

[floridagirlal]

We were married for 12 years and have 3 children. The memories mean a lot to me but the struggles of living with him and the fact that he paid little to no attention to my needs and desires in life left me with a situation where I felt lonely and ignored. There are times where I remember good times with him and those are memories that I would have if we were still together or now that we are apart. The memories don't go away.

 

I made desperate pleas to him for conversation, trips away to reconnect, personal time with him without the kids, etc. He ignored it all. He readily admits now that he did not understand how desperate I was for his attention and that he placed too much importance on the kids' lives and not on "our" life together. WE were the two people who created those children and WE were the two people who would have been living together when those children were grown and gone. He didn't value that point of view.

 

I needed much more (emotional, personal attention; not physical or monetary things) and he didn't want to give it to me. I had to make a decision on what I needed.

[maddyfaye]

I can understand as I too treated her too much like a business partner and gave most of my love to my daughter. I created a big void of affection and this new guy learned of it and showered her with it. She didn't feel wanted or loved in the later years. This is tough because passion naturaly fades over time and one cant compete with something new. She told be in the summer of 2007 that I was her soulmate and the feeling was overwhelming. Is she really going to feel the same about him 13 years later. It sounds like you gave him enough of a chance by communicating that your needs weren't being met. She mentioned to me in 2004 that " you aren't an affectionate guy" and I thought I improved but not enough. It's too bad that we often learn when it's too late. I took her for granted and didn't appreciate what I had until it was gone. It seems she listened to friends and cut communication so I could get over it but from my POV how could she diss me after everything we shared even though I did admit to my mistakes. No doubt in my mind that we were meant to meet and the way it ended seems the same but i do miss sharing my life with her. Your ex needs to understand that you guys served a purpose in each others life but it ran it's coarse and that her will find happiness that we all find with something new. My ex likely felt that I didn't want her and also could have been happier with someone else. At my age though it's the company that I miss the most. ( I am 41 and she is 34)

[coolgirl]

Even though I was only married for 3 1/2 years and have no children with the ex and filed for divorce on my own I still hoped and wanted my ex to come back and reconcile and pick up werer we left off. This was after the divorce. I cried, begged, pleaded for him to change his mind and lets work something out but nothing. And realized there was nothing I could had done and say to make him change his mind.

 

As hard as it was slowely I learned to let go and move on with my life because we divorced for a reason and that was that to get on with our lives. Do I hope for a reconcilation with him he dont even stand a chance if he ever did come back. He treated me like crap and his family as well. And I would not go back to the person he has become.

 

My divorce has been over 2 years but still moving on and not holding on any hope as far as reconcilation. Because I know for a fact that I dont want him anymore and dont need him anymore. Even though I hold this stronger anger against him I know for a fact that this will pass. Hope this helps a bit.

 

Do you want to reconcile with your ex ?

[alcide]

Gues ur mind is made up?uhu

[floridagirlal]

Oh No!! I definitely DO NOT want to reconcile with my ex! There is NO question in my mind about that! As I mentioned before, I didn't enter into this decision lightly. It was well thought out and discussed WITH HIM before the actual divorce action was taken. It aggravates the heck out of me that he won't move on with his life and allow me to be happy in mine. I don't antagonize him or remind him about the crap that he did to me that I hated. I just accept that he wasn't able to love me the way that I needed at the time and I'm not able to love him the way that he wants me to now. I have been in a happy relationship for almost 1.5 years now. I've moved on and am happy.

[surfNski]

Yes, some people still hold on to hope. Some people take those vows seriously and vow to be there through thick and thin. For many of us moving on from the one we put all our trust, heart, and love into is a little more difficult.

[maddyfaye]

Yes, some people still hold on to hope. Some people take those vows seriously and vow to be there through thick and thin. For many of us moving on from the one we put all our trust, heart, and love into is a little more difficult.

 

It's definitely easier for women.

 

1.) Almost always seems to be a guy waiting

2.) Girls can go online and be contacted by 300 vultures

3.) It seems women can get attatched to someone new quicker

4.) women are capable of rewriting history to justify actions by using words like emotionally abusive and controlling to clear their consciense.

 

I am not saying that this was the case in the original thread but I have learned not to invest too much into any one women again and not to get married a second time.

[coolgirl]

Oh No!! I definitely DO NOT want to reconcile with my ex! There is NO question in my mind about that! As I mentioned before, I didn't enter into this decision lightly. It was well thought out and discussed WITH HIM before the actual divorce action was taken. It aggravates the heck out of me that he won't move on with his life and allow me to be happy in mine. I don't antagonize him or remind him about the crap that he did to me that I hated. I just accept that he wasn't able to love me the way that I needed at the time and I'm not able to love him the way that he wants me to now. I have been in a happy relationship for almost 1.5 years now. I've moved on and am happy.

 

 

Well you need to talk to him and tell him that you moved on and you are happy now and wish him the best and that he finds happiness himself. He is somewhat going to be a part of your life because he is the father of your children and tell him that you will talk to him if it has anything to do with kids related issues. That is his problem that he does not want to move on it shouldn't be yours. If he's hanging on to some hope that your going to go back to him then thats something he's going to work out on his own. But in the meantime talk to him and i'm sure he's will get the hint and talk if its related to the kids thats all. Simple as that. In the meantime dont let it bother you because he cant move on. You just go on with your life and make something out of your relationship. I'm sure one day he will come to accept that the relationship is over and he's gonna move on one day. It took me 2 years to move on.

[floridagirlal]

Yes, some people still hold on to hope. Some people take those vows seriously and vow to be there through thick and thin. For many of us moving on from the one we put all our trust, heart, and love into is a little more difficult.

 

If he had put all of his trust, heart and love into me then maybe we wouldn't be divorced. He chose to put all of his energy into the children instead of his marriage and his wife and now he has neither.

[Lastchallenge]

I'm waiting for my x to file I'm sure it's coming before the end of the year or earlier next year on my end in willing to give it one more try since this was out first break up ever.. That's why I feel te chance would be necessary but reagrdlessnof whatever happens we need to know that we will be ok no matter what. I also realized the person she has become and I don't really know if I could accept that..

[floridagirlal]

I have talked to him and told him that there is no hope for us getting back together. We have agreed that he couldn't love me then and I can't love him now. He will always be part of my life and that's why I want to be able to talk to him without having to hear about how he misses me and is still waiting for me. He doesn't get the hint. He claims that he has changed and that it wouldn't be the same if I came back but the fact that he is still so stuck in "his" way leads me to know that he hasn't changed and will never change. In his world, there is no other way of thinking other than his own. There is no regard for someone else's wants or needs. I don't want him anymore and don't need him anymore. I want something different in my life and it doesn't include him.

 

He tells me he loves me and misses me and in the next breath he bad mouths me to my kids. He tells them that I'm a * * * * * because I have a boyfriend (only 1 of 2 that I have dated since the divorce). He tells them that I'm not acting like a wife (I'm NOT a wife anymore). He becomes the martyr and makes it look like he is such a good guy to wait around on me. Fortunately for me, my oldest girls are 12 & 13 and they know how happy I am now and that I'm a good mom. My youngest is only 6 and she is probably very confused although I know that I provide her a happy, stable home that is free of drama.

[maddyfaye]

My ex likely feels very similar to you and it's cool that you reached out to see how he might be able to get over it. We as guys are more logical and don't make as much of our decision based on emotion. I understand your feelings but a guy might ask how much of your decision has to do with the excitement of a new relationship. I mean he sees his kids far less, vows and promises were cancelled and he is left with child support. I mean if the feelings of love and lust fade over time and of course someone new would provide the intense feelings you desire ( for a while) why on earth should guys want to give in to getting married these days. No way I will EVER get married again. ( and I had a good marriage)

[floridagirlal]

Maddyfaye, I didn't have the excitement of a new relationship when I made the decision to divorce. I didn't decide to divorce because there was someone else....there was NO ONE else at that time and for a long time after the divorce was over.

 

Vows and promises weren't kept by him during the marriage. Why should I keep them now that the marriage is over?

[maddyfaye]

Maddyfaye, I didn't have the excitement of a new relationship when I made the decision to divorce. I didn't decide to divorce because there was someone else....there was NO ONE else at that time and for a long time after the divorce was over.

 

Vows and promises weren't kept by him during the marriage. Why should I keep them now that the marriage is over?

 

Hey sorry you are right and I guess that is a question for my ex that I will never ask because I have to pretend a lot of things never occurred in our long relationship. I will just share my wisdom with guys that need to know what can happen if they decide to get married and don't show enough love.

[BrokenHead]

It's definitely easier for women.

 

1.) Almost always seems to be a guy waiting

2.) Girls can go online and be contacted by 300 vultures

3.) It seems women can get attatched to someone new quicker

4.) women are capable of rewriting history to justify actions by using words like emotionally abusive and controlling to clear their consciense.

 

**** Boy this is my WW to the letter *****

 

Heading to D/S and she is trolling around old high school flames to find the next _lucky_ guy. Still M but she's acting like she is back in high school (lovely chats I picked up with her GF online)...wondering why this guy is being aloof and giving her the hot and cold shoulder ...duh maybe he knows you are still married and has a little bit of respect for the institution!!!

 

Yes I'VE been the controlling one and I've been emotionally abusive...get serious former AP #1 an ex-cop even convinced her to get help for emotional abuse at a shelter to help build a case for D and to let her play victim so she can avoid responsibility for her actions.

 

Someone MUST have done some research about this behaviour in WW it seems like this is a common "personal reality" they build for themselves.

 

Just feel blessed I am not her, to be inside that head must be a complete nightmare

[akmusic07]

Sounds to me that he hasn't reached the stage of acceptance. I have heard that this is very tough for some. Took me 2 years, but I kind of kept it to myself, secretly hoping it would work out.

[AutumnBorn]

It's definitely easier for women.

 

1.) Almost always seems to be a guy waiting

2.) Girls can go online and be contacted by 300 vultures

3.) It seems women can get attatched to someone new quicker

4.) women are capable of rewriting history to justify actions by using words like emotionally abusive and controlling to clear their consciense.

 

I am not saying that this was the case in the original thread but I have learned not to invest too much into any one women again and not to get married a second time.

 

 

Wrong. It's true of the partner that leaves - male or female. They've already disconnected emotionally by the time they leave. Read Uncoupling. (Men use words like "trust issues" and "beyatch" when they're chan ging history.)

 

Well, maybe #2 is true, but they're all losers. At least all those who've contacted me have been losers.

[The Don]

Oh No!! I definitely DO NOT want to reconcile with my ex! There is NO question in my mind about that! As I mentioned before, I didn't enter into this decision lightly. It was well thought out and discussed WITH HIM before the actual divorce action was taken. It aggravates the heck out of me that he won't move on with his life and allow me to be happy in mine. I don't antagonize him or remind him about the crap that he did to me that I hated. I just accept that he wasn't able to love me the way that I needed at the time and I'm not able to love him the way that he wants me to now. I have been in a happy relationship for almost 1.5 years now. I've moved on and am happy.

 

This is a good thread. A couple of things stood out to me which was the ex-husband is still holding oon with hope...do you think maybe, just maybe he chose a different approach, you all could have made a difference? The other thing is, I applaud you in talking to him about the divorcem..that was huge. I say that becsause, I wasn't afforded that opportunity. I found out about the divorce after being separated for 2mths by a phone call from my wife at the time as she sat in the atty's office asking me where I could meet to sign the papers...I had no idea as to what papers she could possiibly be talking about. So kudos to you on that.

 

While, I know we all are imperfect, I was still willing to move past that for a reconciliation, she basically never looked back and became very mean and nasty to me. Why, I still have no clue.

 

What are your thoughts?

[lostandhurt]

In a word the answer is NO!

She simply is not the person I married.

selfish

liar

uncaring for anything but herself

 

Why would I want to reconcile with that kind of person?

 

Lost

[floridagirlal]

While, I know we all are imperfect, I was still willing to move past that for a reconciliation, she basically never looked back and became very mean and nasty to me. Why, I still have no clue.

 

She probably became mean and nasty because it makes her feel better about her decision. If she just "sprung" the divorce on you without months and/or years of discussion about it, she feels guilty that she is holding your heart and stomping on it. It would make her feel justified in her decision if you were cruel and mean back to her, but, if you are nice to her then you are feeding her guilt. That's my opinion.

[The Don]

Interesting...because I was never mean nor cruel in return. Although, she may never agree because I didn't do maybe 2 or 3 things she wanted me to do. I didn't do them because 6wks after we separated she became FULLY involved with another man. For me, to do them would provide me the opportunity to give her her ice cream & cake too...being used.

 

A month after our divorce, I decided to return a vehicle she left at "our" home. She would never pick it up, so I delivered to her home, I notifyed her that it was there. She called back & left me a NASTY VM and saying how glad she was to no longer have to talk to me again in life. Hu??? Where did all of that come from???

 

I only took it there because, I didn't want it to be a problem in the future because I asked her to not disrespect the home by bringing him to our home which angered her that I would make the statement. Oddly enough, a fewweeks later, she expected me to take it to his home....I COULD NOT believe it! So after giving her a wk to pick it up, I decided enough was enough & delivered it. Was I wrong??? Was that mean or cruel? I only wanted to maintain some dignity & self-respect & to not be used for convenience.

[John Bendix]

She probably became mean and nasty because it makes her feel better about her decision. If she just "sprung" the divorce on you without months and/or years of discussion about it, she feels guilty that she is holding your heart and stomping on it. It would make her feel justified in her decision if you were cruel and mean back to her, but, if you are nice to her then you are feeding her guilt. That's my opinion.

 

The Don.

 

I think that this post by floridagirlal hits it on the head.

 

She will probably continue with type of interaction because it "worked so well" for her. She got to hide dealing with her feelings (usuallyto the point of distress) behind an emotional wall. A wall that is protected with the weapons of anger, hostility, and resentment. She has probably built it into a part of her defense mechanisms, dysfunctional as it may be, so (as perceived by her)she will not feel that emotionally threatened or distressed ever again.

 

A plan that does not work. Those emotions are still there. They have not been effectively dealt with at all. They will resurface when they build up, as has been shown, even when an innocent comment or act comes her way.

[John Bendix]

In a word the answer is NO!

She simply is not the person I married.

selfish

liar

uncaring for anything but herself

 

Why would I want to reconcile with that kind of person?

 

Lost

 

Lost,

 

I was thinking the same-