No Contact is Killing Me

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi. Here I am again, battered and bruised. My relationship is over, ,and I feel over. I have never been able to be apart from him without feeling like my entire being has been shattered and within inches of death. I hav written out the long story of my saga in previous posts, but right now I just need to write out how much I am hurting. I know this will end, but I have felt like this for so long, it just doesn't seem possible. Who else will read to me Kahlil Gibran? Who else will know exactly what to do to make me laugh?? Who else will be as soft, and sigh when he hugs me? I am terrfied I will never find anyone to love like this again.......I can barely move, I am in so much grief.

 

Are there tender souls out there, with soft eyes, soft limbs, soft, kind hearts, soft words????? I cannot stand the coldness of my world right now.....so cold, so deeply alone.....

[ben37d]

i know it must be extremely hard, but i have been through rough times and the only way i made it through anything in my life was to look at the positive in anything. god has a plan for everyone in life and even though this person made you feel good in all those different ways, there will be another person who can make you feel that way if not better. look for help in friends and family. there are many people out there that will be there for you no matter what and at times like this you need to reach out to them. just have hope and optimism that there will be better days ahead. i know it will take some time to get over it but just try to keep yourself together and keep up your courage because you will need it. i hope you get through this tough time and i hope this helped

[mahlina]

Aaww. I feel for you. That feeling is so similar, yet so foreign to me. I think it's because for me, I'm at the oppossite end of the spectrum that you are in. I understand. It will be okay. You sound mature enough to handle the facts, consequences, and aftermath of the relationship. I sincerily know how it feels. Hang in there! You are a tough kitten. Just know that you are stronger, and will pull through.

 

My best advice for healing from your break-up (I know that the fresh wound is the worst!) is to:

1.) Keep busy- Whatever you do, keep your mind busy enough to the point where you don't have to sit around and think about him. It's nice to awknowledge the sorrow. Don't repress it, but at the same time, try not to dwell on it too much. Dwelling will perhaps make it worse. Dwell, but don't over-dwell all of the time. It's good to keep your mind: healthy, active, and busy!

 

2.) Keep Yourself Rejouvenated- Think positively. Think of happy thoughts. Think about the sad thoughts as well, but keep in mind, "If it didn't work out, then oh well. There's no point in me chasing a 'fantasy'." Sure. We wish that relationships didn't have to end, but it did. Leave it at that. Bite the bullet, and move on with your life, by thinking of positive thoughts, that will be consistant and ongoing, so that you'll be able to get yourself out of bed every morning.

 

3.) Spoil Yourself- Now's your time to be you, to find you, that special person, who you know most, your best friend. You are your bestfriend, not the ex anymore. He can still be your bestfriend, but the only person who knows you most at heart (including family) is you. So spend time on doing FUN things that you enjoy. Plan a trip. Try a new do, a new look, a new hair color, whatever that interests you.

 

4.) Indulge in Reading- Go to the bookstore. Grab your favorite cheesecake, and stroll down along the aisles that you find interest in. Cooking, Fitness, Kevin Aucoin (make-up artist), the botanical section (perhaps you can take up collecting certain plants. For me, it's orchids.), Home Decor, Philosophy, whatever it is that excites you!

 

The most important thing to keep in mind is: The ex is not the last person that you'll love. Just know that. If you found him, you will find someone else. He's not the last man on this planet. There are lots of 'other' fishes out there. Just be patient. Don't search. You'll find the next guy, when you least expect it. Hopefully, he'll be 10x's better than 'the Ex.'

 

Keep in mind: Good News! This pain is only temporary! Believe it or not. I swear. I never thought that I'd truly get over my ex, but it happens. You'll get so caught up with life, that suddenly, the ex will just slip off your mind. Not completely, but enough for you to realize, "Boy, the break-up isn't so bad after all!"

 

Whatever it is: Keep yourself feeling:

1. Young

2. Effervescent

3. Rejouvenated

4. Healthy

5. Fit

6. Happy

7. Busy and having FUN!

 

Always remind yourself of the 'brighter' side of life. That's why I love comedians. They have a way to look at life, capture the essense of 'seriousness,' and poke fun at it. For some people, it might be annoying. That's why I love those who have a sense of humor. Life's too short to be dwelling on the ex's! Have a good time! Live out your life everyday. Tomorrow is a 'new' day. Besides, you are still YOUNG. So, cherish it while you can! It's not the end of the world, right? There are some 'benefits' to being single as well!

 

Hope this helps!

Mahlina

 

P.S.- It also helps to pop in your favorite DVDs/Movies. Anything funny, bright, cheery and happy is good. I love chick flicks! Buy some chocolates while you're at it! LoL! But remember to 'exercise' afterwards! Adios!

[bleeder]

Very good advice posted so far.

 

But as to what Mahlina has mentioned about reading, I feel that it is a tad hard to focus on reading when your soul is going through the rollercoaster ride of detachment from a relationship.

 

But I strongly agree that sports or a hobby is very therapeutic. In the meantime, focus on yourself. We do not need to be a certain half of a another in order to be whole. The death of a relationship could signal the birth of your new self.

 

All in all, learn to be happy. For though no man is an island, islands are still able to stand despite being surrounded by troubled waters. Take care.

[tinelli88]

If you get a chance you should read my other posts of advice to know that I feel practicality is very important. Here, though, is something different. You are something different. Altogether so. There are certain people that exist from time to time that feel things on an altogether different level. You, my dear, have the wonderful gift and curse of tapping into the fundamental pulse of life. You are in great pain now, no doubt, yet, this is only one side of it. You are lucky in that you, by default, feel the other side. One can only feel the lowest of lows if one can, and has, felt the highest of highs. You met someone who was great. You felt completely in tune with that person. The reason was becauese whatever you had going on was continued by you. A person that loves so deeply can, and often is, able to draw out the best of someone for some time. Why? Because, at that person's true core they WANT to be the caring, loving person, they have. Sadly, they may not able to be or continue at that level. There are people out there that will cherish you as much as you cherish them, I promise. There are people that will open your mind and make you want to thank all that you were born. They are the people that share your passion for love. You have to keep in mind that the things that you two shared were important because YOU made them important. You WILL find someone whose little actions are directed towards you and done so for as long as they can breath. There are so many people out there looking for someone to put on a pedastal. This is what you deserve so, if this person is not willing to give your deep heart its due then, as painful as it is, relax and know that you will, eventually, find love that is so earth moving, and eternally reciprical as to be the envy of fairytales. People that love so hard don't usually end up old and sad spinsters. They do, however, go through the right trials and tribulations (to steal a phrase) to make them the most desirable of mates. Keep your chin up. I know this does not help now with your pain but just remember that the FEAR you are feeling now won't drown you. You will be ok.

[lost_vagueness]

Without repeating what everyone has said above, I just want to say that no contact is hard, hard work sometimes but it is for the best. I found that the times I most needed to speak to my ex were the worst times so to do.

 

I think it's kinda like an addiction. Let's say you were an alcoholic and you really, REALLY needed a drink. What's the worst thing to do? Yep - drink! You can only really have a quiet beer again once you've been through a decent period of time (weeks, not hours!) of not craving it, and can trust yourself not to let it go to your head.

 

It's really difficult sometimes, but it gets easier. Honest!

 

Remember that you are not defined by your relationship.

[sweetione]

I feel exactly as you do. The pain is unbearable. For me, I feel so unlovable. I gave all of my love - and he threw it back at me. It is hard to understand any of it and just to work through it and do something seems so pointless and lonely all the time. I don't know how I will love again...how can i trust that they won't throw my love away too.

They say time heals all wounds so i will abide my time and hope that this hell will pass.

[AprilLuis]

I understand, I am going through the same thing right now, I have looked to this site for the support that I need. I am trying the No Contact rule and it is killing me. You can take a look at my posting in the Love Forum. Thats how confused I am read that post.

Its only been 6 days, he has called a few times but its always something to do with the house he just bought and the house that he asked me to move out of. THe house was my life the life we were starting together. To me everything seemed great for the 5 years we were together then we moved in together not even 6 months later I am out, with no explanation just that he is not happy and needs to see that makes him happy. Ughh it hurts I am bleeding inside. Why does he call? Doesnt he know that everytime I hear his voice it tears me apart? Doenst he know that I am trying to go on? Uh I have been running this through my head over and over I still cant understand it, his family his friends my family are in Awhh like WHAT!!!

Noone saw this one coming.

We just need to be here for one another to give ech other the strength that we need. YOur not alone I am not alone but we feel like we are alone because we are not with the ones that make us whole inside.

I am here for your support and I am looking to everyone on this site for my support. Its great having this site for support, you dont know me and I dont know you and there is no judgement, just some hard strong advice and even though it has been 6 days I can take a moment and think without crying. The only time I cry is when I am alone in bed, maybe that will pass, maybe in wont. We just need to take it say by day. Many of these postings are saying No Contact....they must know something that we dont, they must have gone through this before. They also say let them miss you, they will call back.I just hope they are RIGHT!

 

God bless and I am here if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Take care and my thoughts and best of wishes are with you.

AprilLuis

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey romantic_sweetheart,

 

Of course everyone has said the right things. I'm right there with you. Each day is a new day--sometimes a new day for hell, sometimes one with hope and direction. Last night I got out of my apartment and went on a group bike ride, and just being outside and being around people I didn't really know felt so good. It let me know there is a future for me beyond my ex.

 

The other thing is I have also relied upon my faith in God, and in whatever mysterious way, I know that there's something good waiting for me in my future. I wish I could know what it is right now, but that's not part of God's plan. And so I just need to sit tight, be thankful for the love that my ex gave me, be thankful for the great fortune I've received so far. But ultimately just exercise patience.

 

And do the sort of things Mahlina suggests.

[lost_vagueness]

we feel like we are alone because we are not with the ones that make us whole inside.

 

I know you won't feel this right now, in fact this might not even make any sense, but remember that it is YOU that makes you whole, not someone else. If you need someone else then that is a dependency. To move on and be with someone else you need to start with a whole you, and no-one can give you that.

 

Many of these postings are saying No Contact....they must know something that we dont, they must have gone through this before. They also say let them miss you, they will call back.I just hope they are RIGHT!

 

I know exactly how you feel. A month ago I was on this site looking around thinking this No Contact would never work. It never felt like it would. But the aim of the exercise is to break contact and mend your own wounds, so don't do it with the expection of them calling you later. Just hang in there, focus on other stuff and think about making you whole without another half. It's better in the long run. Good luck, keep your head high.

[romantic sweetheart]

Thank you all for writing such kind words to me. It has been so helpful to keep hearing this advice, repeating in my own heart, so that soon I can heal. Thank you from the bottom of my heart--